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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Gender - To know or not to know?

169 replies

justlemonade · 07/02/2012 22:07

20 week scan on Monday and I really can't decide whether to find out the gender or not. DH would like to. We have a DD who is 3yrs and she keeps talking about her 'baby brother' so I'd like to be able to prepare her for what is to come.

We didn't find out the gender with DD and I loved the surprise at the end of labour, but I don't know what to do for the best this time.

Sorry if this seems a trivial post as I know lots of people are asking for help with serious problems on this board. I just want to know what you all think the pros and cons are???

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ClumsyClogs · 09/02/2012 16:53

I did find out because that's what they do in my home country and I couldn't get my head around this surprise thing - I just had to know.

Good job I did find out, as I surprised myself thinking a few times - "oh, there is a willy growing somewhere inside me - how weird and a bit yuck!" It took a bit of adjusting but when DS arrived I was sooo ready for him! :)

vanimal · 09/02/2012 17:33

My SIL and I were pregnant at the same time - me with DC2 and her with DC3.

She had her 20 week scan a few weeks before mine, and found out she was having a third girl, when they really wanted a boy. She was (mildly) disappointed. Her DH was gutted, and moped around after the scan, was not at all excited when she was born, and generally cast a very dark cloud over the rest of her pregnancy.

We decided not to find out, and we had DD2. DH loved her to bits straightaway, and didn't get a chance to think about whether he might have wanted a son instead.

We have 2 DDs now and I am pregnant with DC3. No intention of finding out what it is, I love the surprise of finding out at the birth.

gardencat · 09/02/2012 17:36

I'm now 27wks, but I was convinced I was having a boy before the 20wk scan. We just couldn't decide if we really wanted to know or not, until we were on our way to the hospital... when I told my husband I knew and we may as well find out for sure. I think he kind of wanted to know, and neither of us wanted to keep talking about the baby as 'it', and we didn't want to miss any of the scan - in the event it was pretty obvious anyway! I think I was a bit nervous about having a boy but now I've had the time to think about it I'm delighted, though I'd probably feel the same way about a girl.

We've told people who've asked that we know but that we want to keep it to ourselves, with the exception of telling our mums (on strict instructions to keep it to themselves!!). It's nice to have a secret from the rest of the family and all our friends, and it's probably a good idea to keep the chosen name secret until we meet him and decide he suits it.

MrsLister · 09/02/2012 18:03

Absolutely 100% YES. I will be finding out.

I am quite literally the world's most impatient woman. I am struggling enough at 11 weeks!

I just think it will help me mentally prepare for what will be the biggest event of my life so far...

mummyloveslucy · 09/02/2012 19:31

We found out as I secretly longed for a girl. I thougt it would probubly be a boy, as my DH is one of 4 boys.
I found out and she was a girl! I was so excited I wish I'd left it as a supprise. I was thinking of the ballet and horse riding, all the things I was into. It turns out she's not at all interseted in either. Maybe next time I'll have a little boy who is.

mummyloveslucy · 09/02/2012 19:36

I'd better clarify, I'm not at all disapointed my DD isn't into the things I like. She loves music and swimming and I've now learn't to swim and really enjoy going with her and I'm also learning the piano alongside her.

SESthebrave · 09/02/2012 21:25

With DS we didn't find out - quite happy for a surprise and I really like the idea of the birth announcement having that element of anticipation and extra news. Nevermind the fact that neither DH nor I can keep anything to ourselves and we would end up telling everyone and probably telling them the name, leaving not so much for the birth announcement!

We did find out the gender with our next pregnancy as it was our 3rd mc and they tested the foetus. They told us it was a girl.

Now 24 weeks pg and we chose not to find out at the 20 week scan. DH was tempted though as he said knowing we could have had a girl, made him want one and he wanted to know. Ultimately this one wasn't obliging though so we had no option!

I am convinced that this one is another boy though as the pregnancy has been exactly the same as with DS. We are happy either way - just thankful to be able to have 2 DC :)

Has anyone ever experienced 2 pregnancies exactly the same but with different genders? I've not come across anyone so far, hence why I think this one is a boy!

BigFatHeffalump · 09/02/2012 21:38

I found out with both mine- I never understood wanting a "surprise" for me the surprise was meeting them- gender was an after thought and something to amuse myself with during the pregnancy when trying to bond with the babies.

Chesticles · 09/02/2012 21:41

I didn't find out with my first pregnancy (girl) and wasn't going to find out with the second pregnancy but the fact it was twins was a big enough surprise. I then decided it would be best to find to find out the sex as I wanted to be a bit more organized. I didn't want to be sifting through dd1's hand me downs whilst coping with two newborns. As it turns out it was 2 boys so I just cleared out all dd1's clothes

Where I work is very multi cultural and a lot of my french and Spanish colleagues couldn't believe I was considering not finding out! Apparently on the continent everyone finds out asap

OhTootles · 09/02/2012 22:49

We had two surprises though I kind of new with dd1 but dd2 was a shock, I had swung between boy girl all the way through. No experience of finding out but the moment dh said they were girls was magic.

Josh55 · 09/02/2012 22:52

We didn't ask first and had a girl which was fine with us, did ask 2nd time because we were so excited and 3rd time we didn't need to, we could see so well we were laughing. No plans to have anymore babies but wouldn't want to know, with 1 girl and 2 boys already it wouldn't matter.

UmmOfUmbridge · 09/02/2012 22:53

When my DS was born almost 16 years ago I didn't have a choice although I 'knew' he was a boy and didn't really have any names picked out. It was still pretty amazing when they announced I had a son :)

I've since had 4 daughters and found out with all of them although from very early on (around 10/12 weeks) I was adamant I knew they were girls. I became pregnant with DD4 just in time to announce it to MIL who was dying. She smiled and said DH was finally going to get his boy (DS is from previous rel). Everyone said because she was such a shock that she was going to be a boy but I could just never see her as a boy. I wasn't bothered either way although since there is only an 11 month gap between DD3 and DD4 it works out considerably cheaper - she is a hand me down baby!!

Like other have said, it's a surprise whenever you find out. We very nearly didn't find out with DD4 as DH wanted a surprise but I just couldn't NOT ask!

BiWinning · 09/02/2012 23:40

I found out on both. I liked being able to plan (to a certain extent) as I like to have things ready and 'in order'.

Labour was a surprise as was holding my baby at the end of it. The sex doesn't compare to holding your actual baby.

Rillyrillygoodlooking · 10/02/2012 00:03

I found out both times. I just HAD to know! If I ever had another one I might wait until I gave birth. Or not.
And as others have said, it is still a surprise at the end because you get to see what they look like! I was so surprised that DD looked so much like DS.

duchesse, they concentrate on the upper lip to check for cleft palate I would imagine.

Crmmum · 10/02/2012 01:55

I had a private scan at 16 weeks... They don't tell you the sex where I live on the Nhs. My thoughts were that it was still a surprise... Just 24 weeks early :) knowing that I was having a boy really helped me to bond with my bump, and we had a chance to consider names in advance. I'm only planning one more baby, and I think I would find out again for the next one, as I would be equally delighted with a girl (one of each) or a boy (have everything), but I'm a planner and a bit of a control freak, so waiting 9 months would kill me!

SilentBoob · 10/02/2012 03:30

Pregnant with #3.

We've not found out with any of them. I didn't mind not knowing with the last 2 but it has seemed a bit silly not finding out this time. Would have just been more practical to know. Nothing to do with gender preference or bonding - don't mind a bit what it is. But I could be washing the pink stuff OR the blue stuff NOW instead of doing the whole lot, or waiting until it's born. And we can't decide on names but then we think oh what's the point agonising when it might not even be a girl / boy and we have ended up with no name ideas for either.

But dh was adamant and he rarely feels strongly about things so I indulged him on this .

all4u · 10/02/2012 08:02

No as we had one early scan in my day. I had a strong hunch and was right in both cases though! Partic as No2 was a girl and I was catching every bug going and even had a bout of sinusitis (never had another but those who suffer from this now have my heartfelt sympathy!). For some reason no one seems bothered to research why the mother's resistance has to be even lower when carrying a female child than a male. The contrast was amazing. What intrigues me is when the brain conceals pregnancy totally from a Mum - they have no signs that they are pregnant and it does happen - why do different brains play their hand in different ways I wonder? Presumably there is no research because there is no scope for a new drug after thalidomide...

Flubba · 10/02/2012 08:19

I knew my first was a boy - I could sense it with all my maternal instincts.
I also knew my second was a boy - again, maternal instincts set in.
Needless to say, I had two girls. :o

Then, 3rd pg, I gave up guessing (but felt this one was also a girl). I had a boy. :o

(A bit annoyingly, the sonographer blurted it out to us with #3 at 35 weeks, but we kept the information to ourselves as we hadn't wanted to know and didn't want to take away that element of surprise with birth announcement)

MarriedtotheMod · 10/02/2012 10:22

First time around we found out. I really wanted a girl (I think a lot to do with the fact that my mother wasn't around when I was growing up - but we now have a lovely relationship and I guess I felt like having a girl would "put things right" in a way?) I had a few minutes of feeling a bit strange and mixed about it but it was really good to have the next 20 weeks bonding with my unborn boy. And obviously when he came out I loved him more than life itself.

Second time around we didn't find out until the baby was put on my chest (and actually for a while no one looked, I sort of forgot about it, I was just so pleased it was out!). It was another boy - but I can honestly say that I wasn't disappointed (although I briefly remember thinking "Jesus - do I have to do this again?!) I think it's lovely for my two who are 2 years apart, and I hope they really bond and get on (they don't at the moment 60% of the time but early doors hey?)

I'm still trying to figure out whether we want to go for a third. I wouldn't be disappointed with another boy but obviously would be over the moon with a girl. Although there are other factors in play now, as in can we afford it financially or emotionally? DH is coming up for 40 and feels too old to go back to sleepless nights again and with DS2 3.5 now it's hard to imagine going back to babyhood as life feels like it's getting easier again after some tough years.

Sorry - I've just realised am totally offloading! To be a bit more succint - it's magic either way, although I am glad we did things as we did. I suppose if you are very practical it can help to know...

JugglingWithSnowballs · 10/02/2012 11:47

I think it's great to know.

I especially think it helps your DC1 prepare for DC2 when you can talk about their brother or sister.

It was great for me to have plenty of time to imagine them during pregnancy and I think knowing the sex really helps with that imaging and bonding - but not in a stereotypical way - boys and girls can have many similarities as well as differences

I think though there's enough to process at birth without having the extra surprise of boy or girl. I feel the only reason to wait really is that people feel it's more natural. But why surpress knowledge when, as usual, it can be helpful ?

I remember sitting in the garden at toddler group after scan with DS gently getting used to the idea that I was having a boy (after dd) Happy memories though I'd been thinking two girls would be nice too. Really good to know - and I'm still remembering it ten years later !

JugglingWithSnowballs · 10/02/2012 11:49

Oh and dd thought of a name for her little brother

< small tear wells up in eye, sniff, sniff ! >

anja1cam · 10/02/2012 13:28

Agree with Juggling:
we did not find out for DC1, but DID for DC2, so we could prepare DD1 for being a 'big sister' and having a 'little sister'. And then of course we could not keep it a secret (though the potential names have always been kept a secret until after the birth day), but I kept reminding everyone that sonographers can get it wrong

treesprite · 10/02/2012 13:30

Had two pink surprises :).

Having had one or two friends who have lost babies at birth, I didn't want to "count my chickens". It was nice to know the sex once baby was safely with us.

Thaleia · 10/02/2012 14:33

We found out as I was so sure, it's going to be a boy so would have been strange if a girl popped out. Very happy and I agree, it's easier to bond with the bump.

Skodafabulous · 10/02/2012 15:50

I've got 2 DSs.With DS1 husband didn't want to know but I did so we both went to the scan, then he left the room whilst the US lady whispered the sex to me.I managed to keep it a secret from everyone until he was born.Because only I knew, it made the name discussions quite difficult and took us 3 weeks to decide after the birth!I was absolutely knackered with breastfeeding and found it really hard to decide something so important. With DS2, DH decided he did want to know this time so we both found out at 20 weeks.It made the name thing much easier, we had narrowed it down to 2 names before he was born.I also found it much easier knowing to keep all the blue stuff and get it all ready,maybe more of an issue with a second child as you have all the stuff from DC1.I always like the surprise of not knowing friend's babys' sexes until they come out but for me personally I have no regrets about finding out at 20 weeks!

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