Disappointed at gender, so ashamed

[YoungNun]

I've name-changed for this because I am so ashamed of what I'm feeling. I had a scan today at eighteen weeks and found out I am carrying a boy. I had genuinely never given any real thought to the baby's gender, because I was worried about whether it was OK (first pregnancy, not a young mother), but as soon as the sonographer said it was a boy, I suddenly felt terribly disappointed, and as if I'd unconsciously been counting on a girl all along.

I'm trying to work out why my feelings are so negative - surely it's more than some kind of superficial stuff about dresses and baking? Partly to do with the fact that there are lots of boys in the extended family and few girls, and the fact that I think mothering a boy will be harder, because I don't know how boys tick...? Am I actually being deeply sexist, and unconsicously think boys are inferior, emotionally limited etc, despite the fact that my partner is a wonderful man?

Please don't flame - I know I'm being ridiculous and unfair, and that I should be shrieking with delight that the baby seems to be developing normally, when instead I'm sitting on the sofa in tears, because I feel so guilty that I'm thinking this stuff about my lovely baby before it's even born. Has anyone else felt this, and do you have any advice as to how to kick myself out of this mindset? What the hell is wrong with me?

Glad you're coming round to the prospect. This thread is also fab to have a read of:
Having a Boy

YoungNun. I'm with you on the name thing!!! We used up our favorite two boys names for ds1, then ds2 came along and somehow we managed to find two more (which now are just HIM) DH and I really struggle to agree on boys names. So there is NO fifth and sixth favourite name! I didn't mention in my previous post that I'm two weeks away from my due date for no3 (who may possibly, according to sonographer, be a dd) She has got a name (Our girl name from 9 years ago when pg with ds1!) If you heard some of the frankly ridiculous boy names my dh has suggested (that don't even "go" with the other boys names!!! )I'm not looking forward to having those conversations again when I'm post birth!! I thought we had a name so was imagining my boy with that name which made the concept of a third boy easier to grasp (I KNOW now form prev pg that I will adore my child, whatever flavour, but I like imagining what they may be like too!) Apparently my DH has no recollection of that conversation even though I was very specific about how I like the name to be spelt!! Arggghhhhhh! So currently my little bump is slightly more imaginary girl than imaginary boy. I've joked with my sons that I hope the baby comes out clutching a note saying "Hi FamilyGinger. My name is......."

Good luck with your gorgeous baby!

I've been following this thread with interest a little embarrassed to add comment but here goes.

I am 10weeks+2 and am convinced I am having a boy. OH has always told me boys are the only species his family produce (although he has two sisters). His two sisters each have two boys and his brother has two boys also. We miscarried last year and it was a boy. We had a scan on Monday has the cheekiest look about it and OH exclaimed it's definitely a boy and I have to say I agree it looks more male than female (in as much as one can tell at this stage).

I see nice things about having a girl or a boy. With a boy I look forward to the watching OH teach him about football and how to ride a bike as he is an avid mountain biker. I suspect my Father will be heavily involved with teaching him manly things as he bought my young male cousin a tool kit for his 4th birthday. I admit though that dressing up and braiding hair, playing houses and telling stories bout fairies is more what I dream of. There are two little girls who live across the road and how sweet they are coming out of there house with there tiaras on and tutus, to play on the swings! My family was just me and my sister although my sister was always a bit of a tomboy which I never understood. I was very girly girly whereas she was into cars and football. We had a female cousin we were close too who was very girly like me and a male cousin who annoyed the life out of us. I think these factors have alot to do with it.

My pregnancy feels like a bit of a miracle, we had to undergo 18months of fertility treatment and a miscarriage to get this far and we are not our of the woods yet. I just want a healthy baby, boy or girl. I think it's just something I may feel I miss out on if I never have a girl rather than resent having a boy.

Sorry late with my comment, but just to say that I completely understand being disappointed when finding out the gender of your baby. I definitely had a preference for a boy and it turned out it was. Will find out in 2 weeks what we're having second time round. Not sure what I would like this time but think I will be pleased/disappointed either way if that makes sense...

I have so many friends (and their husbands) who have been disappointed when finding out but once they have chosen a name/decorated the nursery and the baby is born they couldn't imagine having the opposite sex...in my experience in general (not always me for one) the man would rather have a boy and the woman a girl. I have girl friends who have cried for weeks when finding out they are having boys but they wouldn't have it any other way now. Also men who are "forcing" their wives to have a 3rd or 4th child to get that boy...hmm....

I find it surprising that people think boys are seen as second best as where I live (not in UK) there is an absolute preference for boys (not why I wanted one as I had always thought from a young age I would have boys and had hundreds of boys names and no girls). When I "announced" I was pregnant the first thing people asked was "what are you having?" (we can find out at 12 weeks what the gender is) and when I said "boy" everyone congratulated me as if I'd won the lottery..my mother-in-law told me that a least I had the boy out of the way..very weird...interestingly my husband really had no preference either way...

I'm currently pregnant and don't know what the gender is, but just a thought - when I was with my ex, I used to marvel at how he adored his mother and used to think how great it would be to have a son, because it was far and away more devotion than I ever manage for my mother. Perhaps that is something to factor in while all the (very natural) feelings settle down.

Im having a boy and was quite pleased just think u wont have all the bitcheness of girls coming home crying because they have been left out and over boys :S they will just get on with it there are upsides to both boys and girls im sure u will b fine wen little mans here x

I have 3 - 2 boys and a girl. I have to admit to feeling quite hopeful that DC2 would be a girl, and she was. However, what I would say is that as you get to know the child, their sex becomes less and less important and their personality, quirks and traits (good and bad) become the essence of who they are, and it's that you fall head over heels in love with.

I love all of them equally (and sometime dislike them equally!), and although I wouldn't ever publicly admit it, I am completely and utterly besotted with our little surprise who at 4 is just adorable - he is honestly the most perfectly wonderful wee person ever, and I cannot imagine life without him.

I think it's probably easier for women to imagine relating to a female child, and if you've had a close relationship with your own mother it's natural to want that for you and your daughter. However, the relationship that you'll have with your son will be just as close, and seeing them grow from a little boy into a young man is incredibly amazing. I find myself looking at DS1 who is 14 and just huge with this great sense of humour, and thinking, oh my goodness, I created that!

DD is my daughter (she's an utter pain at the moment, but that's for another thread!) and it's fun having that female bond (most of the time!), but don't imagine for a minute that you won't have that same bond with you son.

Good luck, and here's to him!

OP - here's a positive thought for you: I always thought I cared what gender child I had. I even felt a little bit sorry for mothers who have two or more boys and no girls. I suspected, like you, that maybe my views were rooted in deep sexism (despite having a wonderful partner), or in not growing up around many boys. The truth is this: my son was born seven weeks ago. And with him I've realised that I really don't care whether I have a boy or girl now or in the future. I wouldn't care if my baby came from the moon! No one can prepare you for how much you will love your baby, like I love mine. Don't beat yourself up for your reaction to your news from your scan. You are going to love your baby so much that it feels quite overwhelming at times. You won't care what or who it is.

I understand exactly how you feel - I desperately want this baby to be a girl (having a horrendous time being pg so refuse to try again!). My 20 week scan is in mid December but I've already got so bad that my bf is banned from coming with me because I know that I'll be devastated if it's a boy and it won't be fair on him to see my reaction. Silly and unreasonable but I can't help it.

i felt the same way. good to hear i am not alone :)