Disappointed at gender, so ashamed

[YoungNun]

I've name-changed for this because I am so ashamed of what I'm feeling. I had a scan today at eighteen weeks and found out I am carrying a boy. I had genuinely never given any real thought to the baby's gender, because I was worried about whether it was OK (first pregnancy, not a young mother), but as soon as the sonographer said it was a boy, I suddenly felt terribly disappointed, and as if I'd unconsciously been counting on a girl all along.

I'm trying to work out why my feelings are so negative - surely it's more than some kind of superficial stuff about dresses and baking? Partly to do with the fact that there are lots of boys in the extended family and few girls, and the fact that I think mothering a boy will be harder, because I don't know how boys tick...? Am I actually being deeply sexist, and unconsicously think boys are inferior, emotionally limited etc, despite the fact that my partner is a wonderful man?

Please don't flame - I know I'm being ridiculous and unfair, and that I should be shrieking with delight that the baby seems to be developing normally, when instead I'm sitting on the sofa in tears, because I feel so guilty that I'm thinking this stuff about my lovely baby before it's even born. Has anyone else felt this, and do you have any advice as to how to kick myself out of this mindset? What the hell is wrong with me?

I remember being unable to imagine having a little boy when I was pregnant with my first, don't know why, maybe because I'm a girl???!!! Odd. Anyway, fast forward 4 years and I now have 3 DS's! They are all brilliant little boys, and so affectionate, great fun. I am currently struggling with feelings you describe though and I too feel dreadful about it. I have only discussed it with my DH as I would hate anyone to think I didn't love my boys, and I know how lucky I am to have 3 healthy children.

For me I'm finally having to face up to the possibility that I may not have a daughter after (secretly) hoping for one in my second and third pregnancies. I don't look at my boys and wish any of them was a girl, it's separate from that. I think it's that I never even imagined not having a mixture of genders, I hoped for three or four children and in my mind they would be boys and girls. Silly I know, but I can't help it. We are possibly going to try for a fourth in a couple of years but first I have to get over this 'mourning of my imagined family' and embrace being a mum of only boys, something I never saw myself as, and still don't if I'm honest. I know that if we were to have a fourth boy that I would adore him, that has never been an issue, but I worry that I will always feel like I am missing someone.

You will love your baby boy when he arrives OP, but I do understand how you feel and I also understand the shame you feel, it is horrible.

I've only skim read but am pretty much going to say the same as everyone else.

I already have DS and actually really wanted another boy, so was disappointed and shocked to find out we're having a girl, am stil trying to get my head around it and I'm 4 weks away from due date now. I feel utterly guilty and very unfeminist to be disappointed to be having a girl, especially when I already have a boy

It's not something you can control at all, but I think good to know now and give yourself time to get used to the idea. Agree with makecakes that I was also most hormonal in this pregnancy at that stage which definately contributed to my negative feelings.

Boys are awesome, and your post has made me mourn a little bit all over again for the 2nd son I won't have....which is ridiculous but there we go!

So sorry for your loss chipmonkey

The thing to remember is that you don't get a boy/girl, you get your boy/girl.

I'm glad I found out with DS2 and DD as any disappointment was over and done with by the time they were born (and DS2 was born only 5 days or so after I found out by accident). Don't feel ashamed, deal with your of disappointment and then look forward to meeting your son.

I think everyone has a preference and you will adore your ds when he arrives.

I am hoping our second is a boy- to join our first boy as I just really like being a mum to a boy and secretly feel sorry when people just have one girl- which I realise is ridiculous.I think you get used to what you have and friends who have older boys seem to have much more uncomplicated relationships to those that have teenage girls so I have got my little prejudice going on.
I am sure I would love a girl just as much but feel more excited at the prospect of a boy somehow.
You will love what you have - you really will. Celebrate all the positives of boys- there are many!

YoungNun I found out yesterday that I'm having a boy. I've felt all along that I was carrying a boy I don't know why some instinct told me it wasn't a girl. I was overjoyed. I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad but I wanted to tell you some reasons why

Little boys are so affectionate and full of love for their mothers
You have the power and influence to shape a wonderful young man
You made him

Ok so they apply to girls too but I just want to get you excited about your son. He is your son a beautiful tiny little boy forming inside you, with nothing but pure love for you. I love that thought.

I would have been equally happy if I was told it was a girl because I feel I know the little baby better now. I'm always chatting away to him and singing to him (badly and usually Lady Gaga) you probably just got a shock is all, wait for the excitment to kick in and congratulations!

P.S. you have a teeny tiny penis growing inside you

Op - I felt this way after scan with ds1. Then I remember a few days later being at work and a colleague brought in her 3 month old boy and he was just gorgeous. I'd only been really looking at girl babies. From then on I started to look at the boys and it really helped me attach to him and the idea of a boy.

Fast forward 5 years and I'm typing whilst feeding my 4th son who is 2 weeks.
Yes a girl would have been nice for a change but they are all so different and unique in their characters and they really do love their mums. Someone once posted on one of these threads that if you are a MOB then at least you're the only princess in the house - I'm not princessy but I do feel special being the only girl amongst 5 males in the house.

Plus you learn amazing facts about dinosaurs, sharks, star wars etc that you never knew before.

Give yourself some time and don't be too hard on yourself. You'll be amazed how much you adore him when he's here.

Try and focus on all the positive male role models you have had in your life. You have the opportunity to raise a wonderful boy who will grow up to be like one of those men you have loved and admired. Boys rock!

I think it is normal and natural, you think your life will turn out one way and it doesn't, that takes some time to get your head around. We have two gorgeous DS's (who are absolute opposites so I don't believe in gender generalisations), just pregnant with no3. Whilst I insisted That we didn't find out the sex of the first two, we will find out this time so i can get my head around it (there is no way we will try for no 4 so this is our last chance for a girl)!

I get around the clothes issue (boys clothes are def not as nice as girls) by spending more on decent clothes, they are out there you just have to look harder for them! There also are loads of dresses in the shops in a really grim shade of pink!

Both our boys love baking btw!

I had ten boys round yesterday for a footy and tea afternoon with DS (who is 7) and they were kinda crazy and overexcited but were a hoot. Soooo funny. We sat down for tea and this bunch of 6 and 7year old boys took it in turns to tell jokes, sing songs and (oh yes) recite poems. There was also a lot of shouting and all that, but I wouldn't have it any other way. And they really look out for each other, someone slips up playing footy? At least 2 others are straight there to make sure their friend is ok. Really adorable.

I have to say, I really enjoyed their company. They were all gorgeous.

And my 7yo DS always pipes up with "Mummy you look lovely" and "Can I help you with that" and just generally be a complete poppet. He adores food and cooking and music and art and books as well as being a typical boy playing football, rugby and getting muddy. He's my little all rounder. DH is away and so DS and DD have taken it in turns to sleep in with me, and last night was DS's turn and never have I been happier to lie awake in the middle of the night just listening to him breathe and snuffle and then shuffle in for a good cuddle....

I know that if the one I'm currently cooking turns out to be a boy I will be disappointed as I would have liked one of each but on the other hand I quite like the idea of being a MoB (mother of boys). (we chose not to find out the gender in either pregnancy)

So okay you can't get to dress them up in pretty dresses, but I regularly cook and bake with my son (who'll be 5 in December), I hope I've inculcated a liking of dressing up smart when the occasion warrants it (eBay is great for picking up really nice, baby boy shirts - we've got piles of floral shirts for him there), he certainly compliments me if he thinks what I'm wearing is nice. But on the other hand he loves playing rough and tumble and I love joining in!

The thing is, it's your baby and you will get to learn what makes them tick, boy or girl because they are themselves, individuals. I can already tell that no. 2 is a different character to the garklet because it behaves differently in the womb.

You'll love your baby whatever the gender and there's nothing wrong with grieving for the daughter you won't have this time.

Boys like baking! I have yet to meet a 5 or 6 year old boy who ates baking cakes....they also love ressing up and they're funny! DH and I have 2 girls and we think we're done with baby making but we long for a little boy....I dream of him sometimes....I can actually see his hair....you have the baby you're meant to have. It'll be fine.

Your son wont be "a boy"

He will be your boy

And - eventually - you will love him more than you have ever (or will ever) love anything or anyone again.

x

I was devastated when I found out I was having a baby boy with ds1. (Yup, got 2 of them now )
My family is all girls and I only have nieces, dc1 was dd so I 'didn't do boys'.
But I was fine and gender has nothing to do with the love I feel for him. He's 5 now and ds2 is almost 1.
I cried and laughed when I found out ds2 was a boy. Sad for dd to not have a sister and happy to have 2 ds's.
You'll be fine. They're all lovely!

Just thought I'd add to! I have a beautiful little boy, he's 2 n half. N I wouldn't swap him for the world. He's been so easy n he's such a happy well mannered little boy. Yes he's boisterous and he does like to play fight but that's his dad as he starts it! Lol. Its just stereotypical. Not all girls sit quietly and play, like not all boys are boisterous, like my nephew, same age as my son, he'll just sit and watch tele and play quietly ALL day. When he sees my son, running around laughing he looks at him and gives a wierd look. Some are placid and some are outgoing, mines outgoing n I love it about him, he has fun and he's happy and very healthy. That's all that counts. I'm preg with number 2, and most ppl wud want one of both sexes, bt I'm not bothered as I find a boy is so much fun!makes me laugh everyday without a doubt. Ul come round, just think of the positives, trust me there's many!

Becaroo is absolutely right. When he arrives you will love him so completely and fiercely that gender will be of no consequence whatsoever.

Don't be ashamed, we all have dark thoughts, it's just that you have been brave enough to put yours into words.

You have had many kind and thoughtful perspectives on here and I do hope this feeling passes for you.

I personally don't understand it at all.

If you want to get some perspective, have a look at the miscarriage board or the long term trying to conceive board. I am not having a go at you, honestly, but sometimes I think it helps to be reminded to count your blessings, you are going to have a healthly baby and many would give their right arm for that, whatever the gender.

I didn't find out the gender in advance and was really shocked to have a boy. Like you I hadn't given gender much of a thought. I think it was easier to imagine having a girl because I am female. I love my DS and am very happy to have had a boy. I don't think that one gender is easier than another. Don't worry about it, you will find loads to play. Congratulations

Farfallarocks - I know you are absolutely right.

Thanks to everyone for their kindness. Immediately after I posted yesterday, I panicked and was about to have the thread taken down for fear of condemnatory responses (and I would have entirely understood why people felt like that because I was so disgusted at myself), but I'm very glad I ddn't. Quite apart from the substance of what you all said - which I am thinking hard about and really appreciate - it's good to know there are so many kind people who are prepared to share their own experiences with a anonymous hormonal wreck on the internet.

And with this disappointment starts your very first parenting lesson: you have to accept your children the way they are.
Because, later on you may find that he doesn't enjoy sport, or he is not academic, or he has a personality different to what you expected.

My boys are soooo lovely. You will love him to bits!

Boys are absolutely brilliant. They are so loveable and in a way they are less independant than girls so they want to be 'mothered' for longer. Boys are also a lot more straight forward because they are more laid back. Knowing what I was like as a teenager made me wish for a boy.
All that said, I know it probably wont change the way your feeling until your ready to be ok with it. Don't feel ashamed because feelings of shame will get in the way of you coming to terms with the idea of having a beautiful baby boy, and eventually being excited about it.
I think choosing a name and using it when you talk to your bump will help you to bond with your baby so maybe you can do that.
You will love your baby. youve got plenty of time to come to terms with it and remember not to feel guilty - your hormones are probably making you more tearful
x

I didn't know the sex till my baby was born, I had a slight preference for a girl (don't really know why), we saw he was a boy, for about 2 seconds I though 'oh, it's not a girl', and then because I was looking at this amazing baby that had just come out of me, and we couldn't believe he was really ours, I thought 'oh, but you're perfect anyway!' and I've never looked back. All boys are different anyway, don't assume yours will be rough/shouty/messy if you know other little boys who are like that. My now-toddler boy is actually really gentle not a yeller or a biter or a shover! When you see your baby, even if you think you're not over the disappointment right up to the last minute, you will very likely fall in love with him immediately or very soon. boys clothes are a bit boring, but apart from that, they're pretty great

I think there has been a big shift. People now seem to value girls more, and at the same time my grandmothers generation prefer boys! When she heard DC2 was a boy she said "I'll tell your grandfather, he will be thrilled" and "well, this is going to be a big change for DD isn't it now she will have a BOY in the family!"

I'm thrilled to be having a son and confess I'm very glad to have one of each.

I was also shocked to discover I was having a boy, as was covinced it was a girl!
I now have the most amazing little boy and yes, I too feel guilty for feeling a bit negative.

And with this disappointment starts your very first parenting lesson: you have to accept your children the way they are.
Because, later on you may find that he doesn't enjoy sport, or he is not academic, or he has a personality different to what you expected.

^^ this.

I have 3 DSs, two of which are stereotypical, weapon-mad, car-mad, noise-mad, always running boys. I also have one that does these things a lot less and prefers sitting reading, drawing, talking to me, etc. I wanted sons like DS1 and DS3, so DS2 perplexed me somewhat . However, I love all 3 to bits and am glad I have this calm island in the middle of the two crazy ones.

As others have said, you are getting a son, but also a child with its own personality. Enjoy him