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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Disappointed at gender, so ashamed

185 replies

YoungNun · 27/10/2011 19:25

I've name-changed for this because I am so ashamed of what I'm feeling. I had a scan today at eighteen weeks and found out I am carrying a boy. I had genuinely never given any real thought to the baby's gender, because I was worried about whether it was OK (first pregnancy, not a young mother), but as soon as the sonographer said it was a boy, I suddenly felt terribly disappointed, and as if I'd unconsciously been counting on a girl all along.

I'm trying to work out why my feelings are so negative - surely it's more than some kind of superficial stuff about dresses and baking? Partly to do with the fact that there are lots of boys in the extended family and few girls, and the fact that I think mothering a boy will be harder, because I don't know how boys tick...? Am I actually being deeply sexist, and unconsicously think boys are inferior, emotionally limited etc, despite the fact that my partner is a wonderful man?

Please don't flame - I know I'm being ridiculous and unfair, and that I should be shrieking with delight that the baby seems to be developing normally, when instead I'm sitting on the sofa in tears, because I feel so guilty that I'm thinking this stuff about my lovely baby before it's even born. Has anyone else felt this, and do you have any advice as to how to kick myself out of this mindset? What the hell is wrong with me?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

hubbahubster · 27/10/2011 20:32

OP, another positive post about having a son here. My situation is different - DH's family is very boy-heavy so I never even considered that I might have a girl. When we first got together I was kind of sad that it looked unlikely that I'd have a daughter. But once I got pregnant and the scan confirmed it was a boy, I was totally excited. As one of my friends said, no one will ever love me like DS will. Your son will judge all women with you as the benchmark - how ace is that? Plus I can't wait for DH to be able to take DS out camping and doing boy things. And I feel nothing but relief that I won't have to put a girl through the horror of other bitchy teen girls. Boys are so much more straightforward!

chipmonkey · 27/10/2011 20:34

YoungNun, I was a bit shocked and upset to find that ds1 was a boy.
My family mostly had girls too and I think I had a preconceived notion that girls were nicer and easier.
Ds1 was a gorgeous baby and is now 15 and the loveliest, easiest boy. As are ds2, ds3 and ds4! Not one of them has ever given me any trouble.
I did have a little dd but she died this month aged 7 weeks It was lovely to have her for a little while though.

BrianAndHisBalls · 27/10/2011 20:35

anonymous - that's really nice

MrsCampbellBlack · 27/10/2011 20:36

Anonymous - agree thats a really nice post.

And this is the nicest thread I've read on this subject on mn - was a really sad one a few weeks ago which got very nasty sadly.

skidd · 27/10/2011 20:37

OP I felt like this and what really helped me was reading threads on here about how wonderful having boys is - will try and find them and link to them...

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 27/10/2011 20:40

Just wanted to say that the 20 week scan is at an evil time - right when the 5 month hormone attack hits - I had such awful depression for about two weeks I went into meltdown, then I was fine again. It's easy to say from the other side of it, but things will calm down again and you will come to terms and look forward to the little baby you're having :)
x

TethHearseEnd · 27/10/2011 20:42

It's great, isn't it MrsCampbell? That other thread was the first and only time MN genuinely upset me. So good to see reasoned views here.

Original poster

YoungNun · 27/10/2011 20:46

Thanks, anonymousbird. That means a lot. Don't eat any humble pie at all, or I'll start crying again, and I already look like a pumpkin, my face is so swollen.

MrsDobalina, that's exactly it. I genuinely didn't know I was harbouring a gender preference. Two minutes before the sonographer asked whether we wanted to know, I was frantically asking questions about developmental markers and indicators for chromosomal disorders and being dazed with relief.

OP posts:

peeoffkitty · 27/10/2011 20:53

So sorry for your loss chipmonkey.

Crosshair · 27/10/2011 20:56

I would say its pretty normal, I felt the same way for about a week after finding out. I thought of it as mourning the loss of an idea before getting excited about my little person.

lerees · 27/10/2011 20:58

I was gutted when they scanned me and they thought baby was a boy. We left the hospital with me telling my husband "shut up, you did this to me, i wanted a girl and your useless sperm has given me a boy". Seriously, I was a nightmare.

We booked a private scan for later that afternoon, and they confirmed baby was a boy. But when I knew for sure I felt better. And after a trip to a baby boutique and the reminder that my favorite colour is blue I came out of my downer.

I had even spotted a stunning Emile et Rose pink dress that I was determined to buy..... Even if baby was a boy.... I swear, it was that gorgeous! I had been convinced that girls clothes were so much more fun.

But after planning the nursery and buying a few things in blue or funky little outfits, I came around to the thinking that boys were more fun to buy for. And the boys things are much more practical while being cute or trendy. Where as the girls little frillies are gorgeous, but very impractical.

Don't feel bad, it's normal to feel let down when you have wanted a girl so badly. All the best for a healthy baby and healthy you. xx

Original poster

YoungNun · 27/10/2011 21:04

Oh, chipmonkey, I'm so sorry.

OP posts:

anonymousbird · 27/10/2011 21:09

chipmonkey - so sorry to hear that.

Secondtimelucky · 27/10/2011 21:13

I think it's pretty common, and I sometimes wonder whether finding out at the scan is helpful.

When I had DD1 I knew I harboured something of a preference for a girl. I felt bad about it, but I just always imagined myself with at least one girl. I deliberately didn't find out the sex, and part of the reason was that feeling. I knew that, in the moment that I met my baby, it would't matter the tiniest bit. And it didn't. It didn't cross my mind on the day. But I think that, if I had found out in isolation, I might have had a day or two of feeling like you, and beating myself up about it.

Of course, now I have two DDs and sometimes feel sad for the son I may never have. I'm an ungrateful cow really. Really want a no. 3- but not to have a boy, just because I feel I'm finally getting the hang of having babies!

Secondtimelucky · 27/10/2011 21:14

Chipmonkey - I have seen your news on other threads. I just wanted add that I am so sorry for your loss.

EsmeWeatherwax · 27/10/2011 21:19

So very sorry for your loss chipmonkey.

OP, just to echo what everyone else is saying, you will love your wee boy when you finally get him. There's no accounting for your feelings during pregnancy, mine certainly go haywire, in fact I spend the whole nine months wishing I wasn't pregnant at all, due to hyperemesis, and feeling incredibly guilty about it, but I love both my dd's more than I thought possible. I'm having a boy this time round, and am so very nervous, just because it's a walk into the unknown!

Do you think you maybe feel like this because it has become more real to you? Obviously you were very worried about any problems with your pregnancy, suddenly, its not just a thing, iyswim, but an actual baby boy in there. I know for me it all became so much more real when I found out the gender.

skidd · 27/10/2011 21:19

thread about how lovely boys are

suzikettles · 27/10/2011 21:25

I didn't know what gender I was having before ds was born and wouldn't let myself really think about it much (some weirdy hormonal desire not to "let down" the baby I was having by wishing/thinking about a baby of the opposite gender ).

Anyway, I was delighted with ds who is amazing and I wouldn't change for anything in the world, but yeah, I'll admit to mourning a bit for the girl I didn't have. Would it have been the same the other way round? Maybe but I'm not sure actually. I wonder if it's something about a baby in your own image? That you think about a girl who would be like you? There's the whole mother-daughter-special-bond stuff as well, and I have a lovely relationship with my mum which is different from the one she has with my brother.

But the reality is that boys are wonderful and I'm so lucky to have my son. You will adore your little guy

Stay123 · 27/10/2011 21:25

You will love your little boy totally and utterly. I have 2 little boys and definitely get the feeling from certain people that I should feel disappointed somehow. They are lovely little chaps and don't think you can generalise about the sexes. I think little girls are perceived as being less willful and kinder, etc, but I have certainly met quite a few little ladies that most definitely aren't. Also you imagine lovely shopping trips together when she is older but me and my mum never got on and some teenage girls are a nightmare.

heather1980 · 27/10/2011 21:33

i think it's normal, when i was pregnant with with ds2 and i found out that i was having a 2nd son, i was disappointed, but not because it was a boy in that i wanted a dd, but because i could never imagine loving another son as much as i loved ds1.
i have a much easier relationship with ds1 than dd.
my eldest is a dd and she is such a daddys girl i barely get a look in, ds1 is 3 and at the moment a complete mummys boy, which i shall enjoy whilst it lasts. ds2 is only 13 months and showing no preference to either of us!

sybilfaulty · 27/10/2011 21:40

OP, I was so disappointed when I found out DS was a boy, as I had 2 girls and adore them. I also love doing typically feminine things so was worried about what I would do with a boy.

I could not have been more wrong. My young fellow is the most wonderful boy, so full of character and fun. My girls are far rowdier. I truly understand how it feels but I promise you that your boy will be wonderful.

Don't worry. You need time to adjust to the news but in a few days or weeks you will get excited and then you won'[t be able to wait to see him. My son will be 3 in 4 weeks and I can't believe how it has flown.

I hope all these boy stories are making you feel better. Take care.

grumpypants · 27/10/2011 21:49

Y'know, every morning, ds3 climbs into bed, half asleep, pushing dh out the way, mumbles 'I wuff you mummy' and faLls asleep diagonally across me. Its probably the lovliest bit of my day! Its silly to think parenthood is the same, whatever gender you have. You need to get to know your local parks, to climb proof your house, to get to know other mums of boys. Its not the same - its all very well taling of tomboy girls and ballet loving boys etc. Just be aware that he will definitely love you above all other women for a very long time.

smartyparts · 27/10/2011 21:53

I don't get this as I desperately wanted, and got, boys .

But if I'd got girls - fine.

If you need to hear how great boys are - they are absolutely divine - beguiling, hilarious and they love their mums so much it's overwhelming. With a son, you will never be short of someone telling you how beautiful you are or noticing when you're dressed up to go out.

My eldest is now 13 and tells me he loves me several times a day, hugs me and has just given me a foot rub. He is such great company and we can walk for 2 hours with the dog and not run out of stuff to chat about. He and his brother are my greatest pride and joy.

Boys rock

MollyMurphy · 27/10/2011 22:02

Sorry your upset OP. I think I too was leaning toward wanting a girl but oooh our boy is so lovely - best child in the universe (no offence )

You'll feel the same, I'm sure of it. Think of all the fun boy toys; pirates/dinosaurs/spaceships oh my!....consider all those special mommy's boy hugs...and your house wont be covered in pepto bismol princess pink!!

Throw yourself into it and hopefully the disappointment will fade away amidst all the fun.

pushmepullyou · 27/10/2011 22:03

I'm another one who wanted a girl and got a boy.

I already had a DD and was so disappointed at the scan, although obviously relieved that he was healthy. I spent my whole pregnancy worried that I wouldn't love him properly when he was born. I had him by c-section and had a bad reaction to the morphine in the spinal and was a bit non-plussed by him once he was born tbh. He was a funny looking ugly little thing and I didn't feel the immeditate rush of love I did with DD.

BUT about 10pm that night I was asleep and heard a baby crying. I felt really irritated by the noise and then realised that it was my baby and therefore my responsibility. I dragged myself out of bed and looked over in to the little fishtank cot that you get in hospital, and there was the most beautiful little boy in the world He is nearly 8 months old now and the most wonderful baby that there has ever been . I honestly can't conceive why I thought I didn't want a little boy, because you see, he is not just any boy, he is my boy and the happiest, sunniest thing in my life

OP, you will adore him, I promise!

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