Disappointed at gender, so ashamed

[YoungNun]

I've name-changed for this because I am so ashamed of what I'm feeling. I had a scan today at eighteen weeks and found out I am carrying a boy. I had genuinely never given any real thought to the baby's gender, because I was worried about whether it was OK (first pregnancy, not a young mother), but as soon as the sonographer said it was a boy, I suddenly felt terribly disappointed, and as if I'd unconsciously been counting on a girl all along.

I'm trying to work out why my feelings are so negative - surely it's more than some kind of superficial stuff about dresses and baking? Partly to do with the fact that there are lots of boys in the extended family and few girls, and the fact that I think mothering a boy will be harder, because I don't know how boys tick...? Am I actually being deeply sexist, and unconsicously think boys are inferior, emotionally limited etc, despite the fact that my partner is a wonderful man?

Please don't flame - I know I'm being ridiculous and unfair, and that I should be shrieking with delight that the baby seems to be developing normally, when instead I'm sitting on the sofa in tears, because I feel so guilty that I'm thinking this stuff about my lovely baby before it's even born. Has anyone else felt this, and do you have any advice as to how to kick myself out of this mindset? What the hell is wrong with me?

My little boy asked today where his kids were going to sleep when I was old. He wants to live here for ever (for now). My heart is full of him.

I understand how you are feeling. I am seven weeks along with my second and although I don't know the sex, it feels like a boy. ( I felt that I was pg with a girl from day one with my dd - but I know this is not the same as knowing.)
Both dh and I really wanted my dd to have a sister. There will be a six year age gap and we live overseas with no family nearby. We both thought that they will be closer if they are the same sex.
I know we will be happy when the baby arrives, it will just be different than we expected.

Just echoing what most others have said - you will absolutely adore your little boy and when he arrives in a few months you will be baffled as to why you ever felt anything but joy. That said, what you feel is totally normal - please do not feel ashamed or guilty, whenever we have an expectation or desire for something that does not manifest disappointment is a normal reaction, it's human nature, never mind factoring in hormones!

FWIW, I have one of each, and with DC2 I was convinced she was another boy. While I wasn't disappointed at all I was so sure she would be a boy (name picked out and everything) it took me a good few days to get my head round it, and until she actually turned up I still harboured suspicions she would be a boy!

They are equally perfect by the way, though shopping for boy stuff much easier unless you really like pink!

Good luck with your pregnancy

Oh i thought i wanted a 2nd girl when ds was born and they announced he was boy i can honestly say i have never been more delighted in my life, i never imagined having a boy but he was just so perfect. Now i wouldn't swap him for anything he is just adorable. DD is very reserved where as he just adores everyone he meets, randomly tells me and others in the family how much he loves them and loves a good cuddle. I love that he is so black and white.

I really think your reaction is more normal than people think, i know of quite a few people who have been disappointed at the scan but nobody who has been disappointed at birtgh IFYSWIM. I've never found out for this reason.

I knew from the thread title that it was going to be a boy.

it seems to be a trend, you are not alone. You hear this more and more.

Can I just tell you OP, as mum of 2 boys, that boys are so wonderful and loving and fun. Just like girls are.

"I knew from the thread title that it was going to be a boy."

Is it just my family that has favoured boys for the past 40 odd years? :)

Hi i am another one struggling with the idea of a Boy and i realy dont know why.

I have 2 DDs 8 yrs apart and we struggled with fertility for 5 yrs (hence age gap) i had numerous miscarriages and with DD2 i thought i couldnt have cared less what sex she was but when they told me she was a girl i was relieved. I am 24 weeks pg with our son and DD is only 18 months old so it was a shock to get pg anyway and esp as we were not trying. Everyone kept saying how nice it would be if this one was a boy and i thought so too but when they told us he was boy i was disappointed and i realy dont know why. We cannot agree on a name, DH is set on a particular name and i have agreed to it because i just cannot think of one ifswim. I just cannot imagine having a son.

I realy hate myself for feeling this way and am so hoping when he gets here i wont care either way. I have known for 4 weeks now and i still havent got over the disappointment, i think i need a slap. And whats worse is i remember the heartache and pain with all the problems we had so that makes me feel worse. I wonder if a have alittle AND it is not like me to feel this way at all.

It has helped reading other peoples stories and knowing i am not the only one. OP you are not alone.

Ps 3 yrs ago i would have been telling you to count your lucky stars too. It so strange how things change.

I wonder if I am the only one who has this a bit but the other way around. We had always expected to have a boy and I had always wanted a boy i think but have just found out we are probably having a girl. I just can't help but be slightly apprehensive about this as I just find girls a bit confusing (yes I know this is silly as I am one). However, despite this both me and dp are already besotted and I know that we will love her to bits. I just try not to worry to much about the teenage years :)

Hiding- it's not just you. We haven't found out the gender, but even though I try not to admit it even to myself, I'm secretly hoping for a boy- I think same is true for my DH. Having suffered a miscarriage last year though, I know that I will be thrilled as long as I give birth to a live, healthy baby.

Young Nun- please don't be hard on yourself. As others have said, your hormones are all over the place. I think it's a good thing that you've found out now as you have plenty of time to get used to the idea. Go clothes shopping and make a beeline for the gorgeous blue clothes- not being a huge fan of pink anyway I tend to prefer blue anyway. You will be a great mum to this baby and need to be kinder to yourself- you have not committed a crime.xx

YoungNun, please try to relax. I have 3 of each and a body is just the wrapping. DD3 is such a tomboy and DS1 and DS2 like to cook and dress nicely! Pregnancy is a really strange time and chances are, once the baby is born you'll be so busy getting to know him that you just won't care. Congratulations and the very best of luck.

Don't be ashamed, I went through all that too when I found out it was a boy. I just allowed myself to cry and grieve for the daughter I thought I wanted and thank god after about a week or two it changed and now I can't even remember why I thought I wanted a girl. It was something to do with wanting to give her things I hadn't been given as a child, and wanting to be the kind of mother I didn't have... but I am sure if I had tried to talk myself round and think positive things about boys at that stage it wouldn't have worked. Now I love my little boy so much, it's impossible I could have loved him more if he was a girl. Just accept your feelings, they will change anyway

I was in your shoes OP five years ago. I was convinced that ds2 was going to be a girl. I was so ashamed that when I found out he was a boy that i shed a few tears for the girl (i'd imagined) that wasn't going to exist. One of the first thing I said to my beautiful son was "sorry" for ever wanting him to be anything other than him!!! I'm so glad I found out in preg that he was a he because it gave me time to get my head around the dynamic rather than spending another twenty (two) weeks imagining my daughter and cpoing with post birth hormones and a boy I wasn't expecting. I'd love myself more if I could honestly say I don't give a monkeys about gender, but I did. I can't imagine a world without my gorgeous ds2. I also can't stand gender stereotyping (ironically!!!) so my two boys are treated as two people not two boys (or two girls) We bake,play football, obsess about Star Wars, like the colour pink, have best friends who are girls and boys, go clothes shopping, do DIY,gardening, watch property programmes and the X factor together. I can't imagine either of my two being a girl would make a differance to the life we lead and the stuff we do. (Perhaps less cleaning of the floor around the toilet ,but that's about it! )

I had my DS on sat morning and can confirm that baby boys are just as cute, snuffly, soft, squishy, fragrant and fuzzy as baby girls! My DS makes lovely little noises and likes to cuddle up in bed and I think he already is a mummy's boy ! They have tiny little willies that are so cute and do wees in a huge trajectory!

Once your boy is here you will be so in love with his newborn gorgeousness that the image of a baby girl just won't compete at all with the real thing!

Good luck xx

Mother of two DSs here (and one DD) - boys are absolutely fab. They are full of love and affection, they are bright and interesting, they are absorbing.

DS1 (age 4) chatters to me all day long, is about to start ballet (two other boys at his pre-school do it, one of whom seems to be the 'cool kid' and he wants to join them), tells his baby sister he loves her about 50 times a day, and is generally wonderful (also a terror at times like all 4 year olds...).

DS2 (age 2) cuddles up to me at every opportunity, would eat every meal sitting on my knee if he could, loves going to children's theatre/puppet shows. His favourite activity is hoovering, closely followed by mopping the floor...

They both love Thomas the Tank Engine and all things mechanical which isn't my first choice of entertainment. Doesn't matter. I've started to get quite interested myself in a strange sort of way.

I am more fazed by the terrible 'pinkness' of all things girl, and am greatly hoping that baby DD does not turn out to be one of those fairy-princess types. But if she does, I daresay I'll find it all charming in a way I can't quite picture now.

I think people who are set on one gender or another have stereotypes in their heads about what the gender roles mean. Children are individuals, and two children of the same gender will be vastly different.

My advice would be, simply relax about the whole thing. Don't expect your son to like certain things or dislike others based on his gender; introduce him to all sorts of different activities and help him pursue the ones he likes. Talk to him and listen to him lots, and you will have a wonderful child you adore, not the 'typical boy' that you might be picturing somewhere in your imagination.

It's going to be fab. :)

I understand how you feel. With DD I convinced myself I was having a boy... I think because deep down I really wanted a girl and wouldn't know what to do with a boy. (I'm not a girly girl either, and I loathe the whole pink princess thing.) When DD arrived I was in complete, delighted shock. I spent the first few hours of her life randomly saying to myself "I've got a girl!"

I felt really guilty about not wanting a boy and I only recently admitted it to anyone because I knew I should just be grateful I had a healthy baby.

4 years later, pregnant again, and this time I was half expecting another girl, because most people I know have the same sex. I also still had the "What do I do with a boy?" thing too.

I'm now sat with my 17 day old boy on my lap. He's gorgeous, really cuddley and cuddles me back! Makes the funniest noises and faces, sleeps like a dream and is far, far more chilled out than DD was. I'm besotted with him. :) I've even got over the fear of him weeing on me... which he has managed once... he usually just gets himself. :o

Every Mum I've spoken to who has boys and girls says boys are far easier as they tend to be less independent than girls, so I'm looking forward to not clashing heads with him as often as I do DD.

I admit, I still felt upset when I packed away all the pink baby clothes I'd washed, just in case, knowing that I was unlikely to have a baby girl to wear them again, but then I look at DS and think of all the cute new outfits he can wear and fun things we'll do.

OP, honestly, you will absolutely love having a boy.

My Ds (nearly 4 yo now, and I am pg again) is so very loving, kind, sweet, generous, happy and has a wonderful sense of humour. He is just such an easy little boy (but was hard work as a baby, as he needed constant attention!).

I tell him all the time that he is 'my best boy in the world' and he tells me that I am his best girl, for all sorts of reasons eg 'you're my best girl because you wear petty nail varnish', 'you're my best girl because you have a big bed', but more recently 'you're my best girl because you give me the fluffiest cuddles, squeezes, strokes and kisses'.

Honestly, I melt at the things he says. He has always been a very loving and cuddly child, and there are no signs of that stopping. We play constantly and I just adore him and he clearly adores me too. It is so amazing. I have ambraced boys toys like wooden train sets (he is a real train lover and so we play for hours on end with his), but he also loves things like his wooden kitchen and cooking and arts and crafts and playdough, and lots of things that aren't typically 'boyish'.

When I was pg with him, I was absolutely sure I was having a girl. Everyone was. I came so close to buying a red velvet coat in size 9-12 months for the next winter in John Lewis for the baby! I was gobsmacked when the obstetrician said 'its a boy'.

Now that I am pg again, I can't imagine not being able to repeat this experience and my love for my DS, and so I really want another boy. I think we're going to find out the sex at 20 weeks (I'm 14 weeks now) as if its not a boy, I will need to prepare myself. I seem to have in my mind that I will not be able to feel this kind of love so intensely again unless the baby is male. Which I know is silly - I will feel this intensely because it will be my baby, not because of the sex of the baby. But I really do get where you're coming from.

I just found out last week that I am having a girl. Didn't realise I even had a preference, but feel really down this week. I don't understand most girls, don't like dolls and tea parties, can't BEAR pink... I never even considered that I might have a girl. Don't know why, but all my images of the future involved a little boy.

So i think I understand some of what you are feeling youngnun. I can't tell anyone. I'm already criticised for not being "maternal" enough (don't coo over scan photos and refused to get excited til after the anomaly scan in case there was anything major wrong), so REALLY can't tell anyone about this!

The comments here are mostly helpful, and I am so glad that MN exists. I think I'd be staring at a bottle of gin otherwise...

ps - not drinking it - it's not that bad. I'll do my best for it, whichever sex. Just don't think I'll love it that much.

No one but DH knows this, but I had my 20 week scan last week, and was so convinced beforehand that it was a girl. It is a boy. I cried all the way home from the scan and had some really awful, shaming thoughts about the situation. But now, jut a week on, I have bought some baby boy clothes and read some positive stuff on here about mother-son relationships and feel much, much better. I am still sad that I won't be getting a daughter - this time - but am excited to be having a son.

No one in RL knows that it's a boy yet, except our parents, as I don't want to have to deal "boys are a handful" comments while I still feel a bit wobbly, but even a week later I feel wholly different.

Not read the thread but just wanted to reassure you that your reaction is not abnormal, nor out of order. I was the other way round and DH said my face visibly dropped when we were told I was carrying a girl. I think I had my heart set on a boy because my family only ever has girls and I really wanted to produce a grandson for my dad. I also thought I'd identify better with a boy and had felt like I was carrying one for some reason!

HOWEVER, I am now completely in love with my little girl and wouldn't swap for the world. I think it was definitely the right thing to find out early because I was able to go shopping for lovely baby things and that made me come round pretty quickly. I felt I was able to begin bonding with her before the birth and enjoyed thinking of possible names etc. It really feels like it was meant to be and I am sure you will feel the same when your little boy is born.

And don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. You can't choose feelings and it's no reflection on how much you love/want the baby or a sign of being ungrateful etc. It's just an honest reaction to what was a 50/50 chance. I think most people have a preference even if they don't know it.

Go shopping or go to see friends who have little boys. You'll probably find that you'll get excited gradually and then when he's born you'll wonder what you worried about!

Don't feel bad, its normal to have a preference. When you hold your little boy in your arms you won't care anymore that he is not at girl. X

Hey OP (sorry haven't read all 18 pages) it has taken me ages to get used to the idea that I am having a boy.

I have 2 younger sisters and I have nannied when I was younger, always girls - not by choice just how it turned out. So I felt I could understand how to mother a girl. When we found out it was a boy my confidence hit rock bottom - I know nothing about boys my head was screaming.

It took a couple of weeks for my sense to set in and say - hang on, you know nothing about this baby FULL STOP. So put all assumptions aside and await this brand new personality to arrive (next week for me hopefully). I'm now (after 18 weeks) comfortable and happy just waiting for my child.

In those first 10 weeks of knowing he was a he I went through the gamut of emotions - disappointment, loss of the girl I'll never had (I'm an old 1st timer), dawning realisation I was being a bit of a presumptuous chump :)

Funny thing is my OH wanted a girl as they were less trouble I told my mum this and she laughed her head off! My mum has 3 gals and one boy (I had already left home for uni when my bro was born) and he was the easiest of her 4.

You'll be grand.

Thanks again from my heart, everyone who has commented. I went away for the weekend to walk by the sea and try to calm down, so am only catching up on the thread now. Unfortunately, I also stupidly met a friend who has a spectacularly charmless teenage boy in a spectacularly charmless shopping mall, and had a major internal wobble before telling myself very firmly that I am not giving birth to anyone else's son. This baby is mine and my wonderful, caring, funny, sensitive, baking-obsessed partner's and is in no way predestined to a life of inarticulate khaki-clad sulking and ballgames.

Loveinacoldgrave - exactly, am not telling anyone either, as I don't want the 'boys are a handful' comments either, when I'm feeling all over the place, though normally I'm the first one to pooh-pooh gender stereotyping. And Pamsco, you are exactly right, I know nothing at all about this baby, so I should stop bloody second-guessing its future on some reductive gendered grounds. HappyAsIAm and Wolfhound - thank you, that was exactly what I needed to hear.

Stupidly, I think a tiny contributing factor to the upset was that my partner and I had agreed from the start on a girl's name but seem to have no common ground at all on a boy's, so if this baby had been a girl, she would already have had a name and that bonding potential, but our little boy remains Baby X, and looks likely to remain so for some time..

I will be forever grateful to everyone who has commented on this thread for their kindness and sharing their experiences - especially to those mothers of sons who could well have found my original post very annoying. This has demonstrated to me the real worth of Mumsnet, if I ever needed convincing.

Good luck YoungNun. And YoungNun'sSon. Don't worry about the name yet. We had used our 'perfect' boy's name on DS1 and thinking of another boy's name was difficult - then at about 7 months pg, I suddenly said 'What about x' to DH (who had dismissed all my previous suggestions) and he immediately said 'Yes! That's it!' The name seemed so perfect that we couldn't believe we hadn't thought of it before. Didn't know if the baby would be male or female. But it was male - and that's DS2. Perfect (give or take the odd 2yr old tantrum...)

This is why I think it's best NOT to find out the sex at a scan.

I had my DS first, and when he was born I felt quite shocked - I had expected to have a girl, and I knew where I was with girls. I remember holding him and thinking 'what the hell do I do with one of these?!' And I wasn't bowled over with love at first sight - I'd have prefered a girl.... at that point. BUT I was overwhelmed by him and how gorgeous he was, and within 12 hours I was head over heels. He's now very much my PFB, and it didn't take long for me to not be able to imagine him being anyone else. I really can't labour the point about how completely gorgeous and awesome he is! (he's 5 1/2). I think when you have your baby it all makes sense, but at a scan it's one step removed and establishes a mindset that can be difficult to shake.

We have all sorts of preconceptions about genders, what they'll be like and what sort of parents we'll be to them, but they're just preconceptions.

I was helping out at DD's pre-school yesterday (she's 4, I'm rather partial to her too) and realised suddenly with shock that I actually find 'boys' games easier to play! I always thought I was a pretend play, baby dolls type, but actually I prefered fighting a plastic tiger with a plastic bull with a little boy there (my bull lost).

I'm lucky that I've got to experience parenting both flavours (and I'm expecting a 3rd, sex unknown), but I can honestly say, cliched as it sounds, that their personalities are their triumphs, not their genders.

It's really hard now you know the sex of your baby, but try to banish all your preconceptions. Work through the bad feelings and guilt (guilt is an unavoidable spectre that haunts all of motherhood), and try and get it into your head that your boy will be who he is - not just a boy.