Disappointed at gender, so ashamed

[YoungNun]

I've name-changed for this because I am so ashamed of what I'm feeling. I had a scan today at eighteen weeks and found out I am carrying a boy. I had genuinely never given any real thought to the baby's gender, because I was worried about whether it was OK (first pregnancy, not a young mother), but as soon as the sonographer said it was a boy, I suddenly felt terribly disappointed, and as if I'd unconsciously been counting on a girl all along.

I'm trying to work out why my feelings are so negative - surely it's more than some kind of superficial stuff about dresses and baking? Partly to do with the fact that there are lots of boys in the extended family and few girls, and the fact that I think mothering a boy will be harder, because I don't know how boys tick...? Am I actually being deeply sexist, and unconsicously think boys are inferior, emotionally limited etc, despite the fact that my partner is a wonderful man?

Please don't flame - I know I'm being ridiculous and unfair, and that I should be shrieking with delight that the baby seems to be developing normally, when instead I'm sitting on the sofa in tears, because I feel so guilty that I'm thinking this stuff about my lovely baby before it's even born. Has anyone else felt this, and do you have any advice as to how to kick myself out of this mindset? What the hell is wrong with me?

Agreed that the OP has every right to feel how she feels and to ask for support.

I don't know the sex yet (husband really wants to know and I'm not bothered enough not to find out) but I think I would need time to get used to the idea of having a girl. I've never imagined having a girl; I've always 'seen' my children being boys. It's probably environmental - almost all my friends have had boys - but it's there. I know ultimately it won't matter but thinking 'I could be having a girl' is very strange!

I had a baby girl first and as she was so wonderful I secretly thought baby girls must be best. Then I had a baby son and he is so wonderful I see the only thing is true is that your children are best. To you. They are perfect cause they are yours and gender has nothing to do with it. There will be no room for anything but love so don't worry. Baby girls will seem irrelevant shortly cause there's your very own baby boy arriving. Wish I could show you mine at the moment chortling while eating his biscuit!

Nothing wrong with being honest with yourself and you are looking at all the reasons why you might feel like you do, and that is how self awareness and self development grow. This is a safe place to express those feelings out of real life. Tell you what though, you will love your baby so very very much more than you can imagine and the love will grow with your boy. This feeling is like a cloud floating past and one day you won't believe that you felt it. Really.

I felt exactly the same ..... I now have two boys and I actually cried at the scan (oh the shame) when I found out no2 was a boy...I know it's terrible but I had always just seen myself as a mother of girls, more for the "bonding" I spose. I also knew that no2 was definitely my last so that was that. What can I say? I got over it, I adore my boys and I wouldn't have it any other way. And soon you will feel like that too.

If it's activities you're thinking of, although mine are both very sporty and outdoorsy, mud pies and tree-climbing types they also love baking, craft activities including sequins and glitter and sewing, shoe shopping on the net, dancing etc etc

If you like I can even PM you with all the advantages of boys [hwink](so as not to turn your thread into the usual bunfight)

I think women shouldn't beat themselves up about a bit of disappointment over finding out they are carrying a boy because although they don't talk about it much I recken men do the same the other way round. When DS was born I realised that I had been harbouring a secret desire for a girl and went through a hormonal weepy phase where I kept feeling like DS was viewed as the 'consolation prize' for not getting a girl (completely bonkers I know). Anyway we just found out that DC2 will be a girl and DH has been very quiet about it since. He had voiced a few concerns prior to the scan about girls such as "how will I know what clothes to get her dressed in?" and stuff like that. Another couple came round after their 20 week scan. We asked if they found out the sex and they said yes, it's a boy, and the DH did a 'victory dance'!!! By the way I am completely besotted with my son to the point where this morning despite the fact he was sleeping soundly I went to wake him up because I was desperate for a sleepy cuddle!

I could have written that. We had our 20 wk scan yesterday and found out its a girl. I had to keep telling myself 'at least it's healthy' and managed to keep it together long enough to get out of the surgery before I burst into tears. DH isn't talking to me as he thinks I'm being ridiculous. I'm sure I am and it's just that I'm a crap mummy - and the baby isn't even here yet. But that doesn't stop the tears!

I've never wanted a girl, I told DH that and he says that's daft as all women want to have a daughter. Well, I don't. I don't even want another child at the moment, but that's beside the point. I'd managed to convince myself it would be all ok if it was a boy, even though I was certain it would be a girl. The other reason, and I darent tell DH this, is that MIL is going to be impossible. She's obviously never gotten over bil being a boy. She's bad enough with DS, but this is going to be awful. Maybe I'll just give it to her and be done with it. Since DS was born, she's been trying to buy him pink flowery outfits, and when I point out he's a boy she said they were for his sister. He wasn't even 10 days old.

I know it's evil and wrong, and after all the trouble we had to get DS should just be grateful, but I'm not. I tried buying some cute pink things today, but that hasn't changed anything. I don't even like our girl's name anymore!

I've been told 3 times now that it's the "perfect" combination. Really? It was bad enough having to do the whole 'I'm so happy to be pg' when we told everyone, I don't know if I can manage it a second time." o yay, it's a girl" does that sound convincing? Thought not. I can't think of one good thing about having a girl.

I can empathise with this, but in a very different way. Throughout my first pregnancy I was desperately hoping that my baby would be a girl. We didn't find out, and tbh honest I think I really knew that he was a boy. However, when he was born, there was a birth accident, a shoulder dysctocia, and when he came out the reality of whether the baby was ok, was more important than the fact that he was a boy. We sadly lost our ds a week later due to a lack of oxygen causing brain damage. It really made me see that it is not the sex, its the healthy happy child that is the most important.
Having said that, when I was pregnant with ds2 we found out at 16w that he was a boy and I was so relieved as by then I desperately wanted a son. Not to make up for the baby we had lost, but because I wanted to have a son.
This is DC3 and we are having a girl. I admit that again I had hoped for a boy, so that ds2 would have a brother, and it is a bit unreal that we will have a girl. I am however thrilled that I am having a baby who is developing normally, and hopefully we will get to bring home and raise. Having a girl will bring new challenges and new experiences and I cannot wait for all of that.

It does sting when I hear someone being so sad that they are having a little boy, but I try t think back to the me who was first pregnant and how desperate I was for a girl.

Honestly, boys are wonderful (as I am sure girls are), and the miracle that we get to have these incredible babies in our lives should really ourway the preference for gender.

x

Young Nun, sending you a hug right now...

When trying for a baby, in my head I had thought god I really hope it's a girl. Ive all brothers, all male cousins, hubby, step son and even the dog is male. I was really worried about 'not loving baby etc' if i did fall pregnant.

As soon as i found out I was pregnant, it all passed away. It's healthy and ive 3 weeks to go and cant wait for whatever.

It's so easy to say dont get upset, but I kind of get where your coming from. All I would say is, my niece sadly passed away when she was little, she has been my only girl in the family for years, is not here now and we all miss her dearly. I feel so happy that baby is fine and well like yours, and when it boils down to it, just keep thinking about that, how lucky we are to even have a baby in our tummys, when some women just cant.

As soon as your handsome little chap arrives, you will forget all about your other feelings, Im sure. Dont be embarrassed because as i said before, i was worried before about it being a boy, but now, i am totally fine.

Hope your ok and sending hugs xx

I never found out before DS was born what sex he was and was disappointed not to have a girl but he's brilliant! Am still a little jealous when freinds get to dress their little girls in pretty clothes while my choice is monkeys or dinosaurs! Am now pregnant again and think will find out the sex at 20 week scan as want to know if it's a girl or not.

I was so upset when I found out I was having a boy that the midwife called me up, all worried, because the sonographers had called her, worried because I had been crying so hysterically at the hospital (I went for the scan on my own.)

In fact, TetHearseEnd, what you said about the link between AND and over-reaction to finding out the sex strikes a chord- I'm sure I had AND.

I was really really worried because my child's father has decided not to be in the picture, and I thought a boy would need a role model.

Well, DS is 20 months old now, and I couldn't wish for a more lovely child. Truly, he has been the easiest baby I know, and is such a wonderful character. You can't really envisage it before you actually meet your baby, but he will turn out to be the most wonderful child in the world to you, and you will look back in disbelief that you ever wanted him to be at all different.

Mind you, i still worry about role models etc etc, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it....

PS: Dont listen to horrible comments on here, some people are just nasty with no emotions. I had it on here too, just ignore them :)

I'm very sorry to hear about your son MrsRVC.

mrsrvc so very sorry to hear about your first little boy. x

MrsRVC sorry to hear about your little boy.

OP I had a similar reaction when I found out I was having a boy - it wasn't that I wanted a girl as such it was more that i'd convinced myself that was what we were having. I felt awful for a couple of days thinking 'what do you do with a boy??' but once I got my head round the idea and realised the things we could share (cartoons, dinosaurs etc) I was thrilled. Now DS is a year old and I love him more than anything. Got my next scan for DC2 next week and will be over the moon with either but i'm now thinking 'what would I do with a girl?' haha!

Don't worry too much, OP. I think I felt very similar feelings to you when I had our two DSs many years ago. In those days, though, we didn't find out the gender in advance. I was totally shocked to give birth to boys - I had a picture in my mind of the little girl I would have - with curly hair and a love of reading (a mini-me in other words).

However, 20 years on and I am so glad I had boys. They are both lovely (most of the time) and I am very close to both of them. DS2 is a great young man with real emotional intelligence and we spend a lot of time together (or did until he went to Uni). DS1 is also very affectionate although less understanding as he has ASD.

But DH didn't get his "mini-mes" either n- neither of them are like him at all!

anyway, all this about not being able to buy pretty things for your boy is silly! - and flame away if you like - but my DD wears her boy cousins' clothes and is currently going through a dinosaur fascination...the last toy i bought her was a plastic digger...i do the same things with her i've done with each of my nephews as toddlers. meanwhile, one of her boy cousins loves sparkly rainbows and pink clothes. two christmases ago i got him an e-z-bake oven. for birthdays he asks for art supplies, not sports equipment. sure, there are experiences unique to each gender - but your kid is going to be an inidvidual, not a gender.

OP am not sure if this will help or not, but try not to think in terms of having a girl or a boy but having a baby. Babies can be hard work no matter what sex they are. They can also be wonderful, life affirming and grounding. To start with, it really doesn't matter what sex they are - think of all the unisex babies clothes that are around, how many truly unisex adult clothes do you see? They still all need feeding, clothing, loving (and nappy changing!).

Later on, when maybe the differences start to become a bit more obvious, well by that stage, he'll be your son, and you'll be his only Mum. You will understand each other like nothing else. I suspect that you won't even really be aware of his sex, just that he's a part of you that's now walking around in the big wide world.

Also, how you feel during pregnancy can change instantly when that tiny, wriggling, brand new person that you've grown inside you for the past 9 months, lands in your arms, looks up at you for the first time and you realise that you can now call yourself a Mummy.

Don't be too hard on yourself, acknowledge your feelings, acknowledge that you are feeling VERY hormonal right now and go with the flow. You are going to be just fine.

OP hope you're feeling a bit more chipper by now. I wonder whether we all imagine that our first children will be DD's without actually being able to actually form that notion as a conscious thought? I think there maybe something in that.

Heres what I do know. The first thought I had after the surprise (didn't know before) that the baby was a DS was "I love you more than anything in the world".

Boys aren't like anything you know. They are bonkers, have no concept of risk aversion, need more excercise than large dogs and it will drive you potty trying to find clothes without tractors or monkies on.

They show you the world in a different way and you get round the clothes thing by heading for John Lewis. They seem to have cracked boyswear!

My husband's aunt said something to me once, just after I'd had my first son, and I thought it was so lovely. She has a son and two daughters, but when her son was born (her first child), she said the doctor exclaimed 'It's a boy!' and she immediately felt a bit deflated because she'd always imagined herself as a mother of girls. But then her son was laid on her chest and she looked into his eyes and she said that at that moment she realised that he was exactly what she'd wanted all along and she couldn't have been more happy.

I'm sure you will adore your little boy. I have two boys and I couldn't love anyone more. I too always thought I'd have a daughter and now I know I probably won't, but my boys are the light of my life.

Just wanted to add my experience of what's been said; I thought I wanted a 2nd boy but a few days into dds life I started thinking that she is exactly what we NEEDED (crying happy tears now)

I totally understand I was convinced I was having a much want baby girl I. Fact the thought kept me going during a v diff patch with my partner so when I discovered it was a boy I felt the whole world was against me and was distraught as crazy enough I did not think I was having a boy for a sec there is a 50/50 chance! Anyway glad I know now so that I have got my head around it and can be more positive It you will too most important thing now is a healthy baby good luck don't feel bad it's natural to have these feelings x

cairnterrier sums it up nicely

OK...

...imagine your boy seeing a pic of you in your wedding dress, and saying "When I'm a bigger boy I want to get married to YOU Mummy"

...trying to tell him off for making a mess and him saying "You look like a beautiful flower" and doing a full-on cheesy grin face

...picking him up from nursery/GPs and getting the full-on, four-limbed whole body HUG that little boys reserve solely for their mums :)

ooh ninthwave those full body hugs rock.

OP - have a DS but haven't experienced what you are feeling but just wanted to say (what you know already) but as soon as you meet your DS you will love him so deeply for himself and his individuality that his gender will cease to exist almost. does that make sense?

love love love having my boy - he's the best (but am sure i'd say the same if i'd had a DD). don't feel bad about what you are feeling - i'm pg with DC2 and would love another boy and feel slightly nervous of how i'll feel if its a DD. think it is just what i know and when they arrive it will be great no matter what flavour it is.

much love and don't beat yourself up over this. it iwll all come right in the end.