Disappointed at gender, so ashamed

[YoungNun]

I've name-changed for this because I am so ashamed of what I'm feeling. I had a scan today at eighteen weeks and found out I am carrying a boy. I had genuinely never given any real thought to the baby's gender, because I was worried about whether it was OK (first pregnancy, not a young mother), but as soon as the sonographer said it was a boy, I suddenly felt terribly disappointed, and as if I'd unconsciously been counting on a girl all along.

I'm trying to work out why my feelings are so negative - surely it's more than some kind of superficial stuff about dresses and baking? Partly to do with the fact that there are lots of boys in the extended family and few girls, and the fact that I think mothering a boy will be harder, because I don't know how boys tick...? Am I actually being deeply sexist, and unconsicously think boys are inferior, emotionally limited etc, despite the fact that my partner is a wonderful man?

Please don't flame - I know I'm being ridiculous and unfair, and that I should be shrieking with delight that the baby seems to be developing normally, when instead I'm sitting on the sofa in tears, because I feel so guilty that I'm thinking this stuff about my lovely baby before it's even born. Has anyone else felt this, and do you have any advice as to how to kick myself out of this mindset? What the hell is wrong with me?

Hi there,

I'm in a very similar position to you - I had a preference for a girl
but found out 2 weeks ago at my anomaly scan that I'm having a boy.

I had thought it was only a slight preference but I have to admit I had to hold back the tears when the midwife told me and my husband the news. My husband is delighted about it and I haven't felt fully able to share my feelings about it. He knows I'm mildly disappointed but that's all. (I'm hoping his enthusiasm will rub off on me.)

I too feel ashamed about my feelings - it just seems so wrong to be disappointed about the news. And just because you know on a rational level, that it's nothing to be ashamed of, doesn't make it any better. I think this is something that you need to process over time.

There's lots of good advice on this thread - I have come to many of the same conclusions in the couple of weeks since I found out. I agree totally with the point made about how useful it is to find out the sex before the baby is born. It would be a whole lot more difficult to have to process these feelings after the birth.

Now that I've had some time to digest the news, I'm feeling a lot better about it (hopefully you will too). I think it's totally normal to 'mourn' the girl or boy that you now know you won't be having (regardless of whether you had a preference for one sex or other). Don't expect to feel enthusiastic about your forthcoming son straight away - it will come in time. Just try to trust that positive feelings will develop. I don't expect my negative feelings to go away straight away but I'm putting my faith in the fact that I will feel differently once he's born. All these ladies can't be wrong!

I'm trying to think about the fact that having a boy is going to be great too - it just won't be quite the experience you or I had imagined. There is nothing wrong with you (or me!) - it's just going to take some time to adjust to the idea.

Haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say that I'm sure that as your pregnancy progresses this initial reaction will dissipate and once your baby is born, you won't even remember you felt that way and you'll love your gorgeous little boy just as much as you would a girl.
I can completely empathise as I always had a preference for a girl (mainly because i just don't "get" boys - I don't think they're easier judging by the boys in my family lol) and as such, we decided not to find out the sex as I'm sure that once I've had the baby, I won't care. Plus, as my pregnancy has progressed (now 32+2), I've cared less and less about what sex my baby is because I've bonded with him/her now and I just can't wait to meet the little person growing inside me (and to see if she/he does that weird 3 sudden kick thing on the outside as well).

I found out I am having my third DS on Tuesday....having spent 10 years on IVF I am so happy that I have a family that at one point in my life seemed so impossible, but it still didn't stop a pang of disappointment on being told the news, that I will never have a daughter.

Don't feel that you should feel bad or ashamed about it - acknowledge those feelings, then move on - fill your days buying lovely boys things, choosing names and preparing for his arrival. He'll be more gorgeous than you can possibly imagine right now, so don't dwell on what might have been, celebrate what is!

I am currently struggling with the same issue.

It is pathetic, selfish, ungrateful, irrational etc etc etc - esp as I already have 2 girls - but am having an issue with number 3 being a boy. I just can't help it.

I have got some lovely lovely friends who have been helping me with these feelings and I am getting there slowly. It is helping that we are now buying stuff for the baby and planning his arrival.

I feel so guilty and ashamed also for feeling like this as have some friends who are struggling to conceive their first.

I have been assured that once he pops out these concerns will fade away.

I'm sorry - I can't have any sympathy.

I'm one of those who've been through years and years of hell to get to the point of having a viable pregnancy (still not out of the woods yet). When you're crying yourself to sleep night after night over the course of seven years of fertility problems and miscarriages and grief and pain - you tend to have little sympathy for people who won't get to paint a bedroom pink to be honest.

You cannot begin to imagine how offensive and upsetting these threads are to those who've been to hell and back to even get to dream of being a mother.

deja I know how you feel and I am so sorry you have had to go through this, I am so pleased things are looking up for you a little bit.
I am still on my journey too and I can;t understand it, I really can;t.

I'm with Deja amd farfallarocks on this. Years of struggling (and failing) to conceive, the emotional and physical stress of fertility treatment and a very recent lost pregnancy.

I must admit to struggling to understand how disappointing it is. I'd be delighted with either, tbh.

The pain of infertility is terrible and heartbreaking. But that doesn't mean the OP's feeling aren't valid. After all, it's not as if she can help her feelings & she has already expressed how ashamed she feels. I think it's a bit mean to make her feel worse. You didn't need to open and read the thread after all.

Because others have it 'harder' it doesnt mean people cant be upset about things that effect them. You don't have to be sympathetic or understand. I dont see how making others feel awful achieves anything.

Haven't read all the replies, but just wanted to add support to the OP and say, it's perfectly normal to feel how you feel.

FWIW I felt completely the opposite - I was determined I was having a boy, and really wanted a boy, and when we found out it was a girl, I cried. I too felt completely ashamed and guilty for feeling that way, but I was glad that I had found out to give me a chance to get to terms with it.

I did come to terms with it, and the way I saw it was that when they're inside you, and when they're first born, their gender is almost irrelevant. They're not a boy, they're not a girl, they're just purely and simply yours. And that is the most beautiful thing in the world.

I promise you, this will pass, and you will be more excited about this baby than you thought possible.

Good luck to you, and keep posting, it's what we're here for.

Deja, Farall and Jumping I cannot imagine how you feel.

I agree with Fayrazzled that YoungNun is entitled to feel this way and to seek support if she wants.

I'm not trying to make YoungNun feel worse, just trying to say that in the scheme of things, is it really that bad to be having a boy? I think she's incredibly lucky to be having a healthy baby - she knows that too.

Genuine question to those who have struggled with infertility-

When a woman with PND claims not to love her baby, do you feel the same way, or is it easier to accept that she is not thinking rationally due to PND being a universally recognised condition?

I ask as there are parallels to be drawn. Speaking for myself, I suffered ante-natal and post natal depression and my thoughts were not rational. My feelings about the gender of my baby were a symptom of the hormonal/emotional mess I was in.

YoungNun is clearly not trying to make those with infertility problems feel worse, she's just trying to get support for how she feels.

I am in no way trying to detract from the anguish and stress that trying to conceive must have on those who are going through it, but it doesn't mean the OP is not entitled to her own support for however she is feeling.

I have two sons, and very much hoped I would have a daughter at some point (but it was not to be). Both my boys are intelligent, fashion conscious, artistic, sporty and very loving. I sort of regarded it as my parenting mission to bring up two young men who would be decent, kind and generous people and tbh I would not prefer daughters if I could go back in time, but with my present experiences. I heard it said somewhere that the monst wonderful vairety of human being was a 5 year old boy, and I think it is true. OP, when he gives you the first mother's day card he has made at school I guarantee you will be happier than you can imagine.

Actually my post was to try and give the OP some perspective.

I think she knows its not rational?

Sometimes when I am feeling glum about life, I go and have a lurk on the relationships section and thank my lucky stars I have a lovely, thoughtful DH for example. It can sometimes help put your feelings or disppointment into perspective. Not designed to make the OP feel worse.

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to share my experience - it might help?!

When I first found out I was pregnant, I also felt strongly that I had no preference at all over the sex of the baby. But I was convinced it was a girl and all the old wives theories suggested this too which just strengthened that feeling.

At the scan, turned out it was a boy. It felt...odd. I'm not sure if I cried but what I felt was almost a very mild form of grief... all the imagining I'd done to that point involved having a girl.

Anyway, I agree with others that I am HUGELY relieved about finding out before the baby arrived. Had a private scan just to make sure (so clearly a big deal at the time), then began to adjust to having a boy.

For me, it didn't take very long. Maybe a couple of weeks? Now DS is 2-and-a-bit, I couldn't love him more, and I'm actually half hoping that I have another boy as I'm not sure what to do with a girl!!!

don't be ashamed! this has no bearing on how much you will love your son. it is about letting go of something you imagined, i think.

i did not have strong feelings either way before i knew - i had always imagined that i would have boys, and i have 7 absolutely beloved nephews - no girls in this generation! - but had been 'feeling' like it might be a girl. Obviously there was (is!) a tiny part of me that thought "ooh, i want to be the one to have the first granddaughter!"

but i was an 'older' mum with a high-risk pregnancy and hadn't thought i'd be able to have a baby at all. so i just wanted a healthy baby and when i thought about gender at all, i just went back and forth about which i hoped for.

the scan showed it was a girl. i was thrilled. but later i felt terribly sad, at the same time. maybe because i knew it was probably the only baby i was going to have and that was it, the little boy i could imagine was gone forever. (if they'd told me it was a boy, i probably would have felt the same way about my imaginary little girl!)

i have a sister who has three boys, as i mentioned. i know she also felt disappointment that her last was not a girl - not with her beautiful boy child, but with the gender as an abstract if you see what i mean, and i think you do!

anyway, i wouldn't worry. let yourself have the feelings, and move on.

I have every sympathy for those struggling to conceive or carry to term. life can be really shit.

However, that doesn't mean that feelings like the OPs aren't valid and that they shouldn't post about them for support and advice. Most people know it is irrational and that they should be happy they have the prospect of a healthy baby but emotions aren't rational are they?

If threads like this upset you, you should click to hide them. Posting on them isn't helpful for anyone - you or the OP. I don't go on threads where people are whinging about ridiculous things their DP/H has done and say they should be pleased they've not married a selfish wanker who then fucked off. I hide or ignore them.

Jumping, Deja and Farfalla - and anyone I'm missing out - I'm sincerely sorry to have caused any hurt to anyone who read this and has been unable to conceive or has a history of miscarriages. I am an older first-time mother who had been unsure I would be able to conceive, and I have friends who struggled unsuccessfully with IVF, and another couple I'm close to who had a miscarriage last year, also my sister is terribly upset by my pregnancy because her partner has two SN children from a previous marriage, and doesn't want them to have a child together.

The reason I posted on Mn rather than talking to friends or family is precisely what you have pointed out - because my feelings seem like an insult to their pain. Some of them are already struggling with the fact that someone they didn't expect to have a child has conceived, and my partner and I spent a lot of time thinking about the best way to tell people we knew were going to find it difficult.

I do understand how self-indulgent it looks, and it is that, more than anything, that makes me ashamed of myself.

I also just wanted to agree with soupdragon and others who have posted - yes, there are people who are struggling to conceive and I can only imagine how hard that is.

But this is the pregnancy board and there are all kinds of feelings and worries and doubts which accost you even during a perfectly healthy pregnancy; just because others are going through 'worse' doesn't make them any less valid. OP has apologised for this right from the beginning but as is evident on the thread, it's a fairly common feeling.

i didn't find out until the birth but i was sooo happy and excited i had a boy a real rush of joy but the day after i was mourning the sister my first born wouldn't have! still thrilled with my boy but let myself have one day to feel sad for that, silly really but i let go of that thought and carried on loving my boy who is a absolute joy!

I'm afraid I haven't read all the posts - apologies.

Just wanted to say that I heard Jack Osbourne on the radio this morning saying "Don't all Dads want a boy?" Similarly many women would (secretly)love a girl. Perfectly normal. Fact is, once your baby arrives, you will wonder how you ever thought it, and couldn't imagine life any other way. I promise! In fact I don't think you will even have to wait that long to get excited, just give yourself a bit of time to get used to the idea.

oh dear lovely i really wouldnt put any stress on your self over this you are entitled to you emotions and feelings in your experiences in life just as everyone else is, there are reasons behind you feeling the way you do try not to let it upset you to much and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.
i had two girls and i had my scan and found out i was having a boy and was not happy.
i had issues its true about past stuff but to be honest there are more important things to beat yourself up over than if you felt a bit of disappointment over the sex of your child.
my son came and i love him to bits, and as i have said on other threads about this subject wishing a girl had been a boy or visa versa for a second or a little while is hardly the worse thing you will ever think about your child while it grows up.
wanting to throw he/she out the window for talking constantly is definitely worse.
when i found out i was pregnant again i wanted a boy and was a bit disappointed i was having a girl so go figure. shows how i have grown, i am an equal gender disappointist