Disappointed at gender, so ashamed

[YoungNun]

I've name-changed for this because I am so ashamed of what I'm feeling. I had a scan today at eighteen weeks and found out I am carrying a boy. I had genuinely never given any real thought to the baby's gender, because I was worried about whether it was OK (first pregnancy, not a young mother), but as soon as the sonographer said it was a boy, I suddenly felt terribly disappointed, and as if I'd unconsciously been counting on a girl all along.

I'm trying to work out why my feelings are so negative - surely it's more than some kind of superficial stuff about dresses and baking? Partly to do with the fact that there are lots of boys in the extended family and few girls, and the fact that I think mothering a boy will be harder, because I don't know how boys tick...? Am I actually being deeply sexist, and unconsicously think boys are inferior, emotionally limited etc, despite the fact that my partner is a wonderful man?

Please don't flame - I know I'm being ridiculous and unfair, and that I should be shrieking with delight that the baby seems to be developing normally, when instead I'm sitting on the sofa in tears, because I feel so guilty that I'm thinking this stuff about my lovely baby before it's even born. Has anyone else felt this, and do you have any advice as to how to kick myself out of this mindset? What the hell is wrong with me?

MrsCB I meant generally not you specifically. People only think girls are the easy option if they haven't had them. The one boy in the family isn't the least bit boisterous, DD runs rings round him. They're all individuals, generalising is pointless.

Don't beat yourself up OP, you can't help how you feel. I have two girls and a boy. I'm very grateful I have a mixture and I love my DCs equally.

My mum was disappointed I was a girl too C4ro. Boys seemed to be valued more than girls then for some reason. When did this change and why?

This interests me very much.

But people do generalise - especially before having children. I'm sure I thought a girl would be easier because I was a quiet bookish child and assumed any daughter of mine would be the same [deluded]

I do think though that its better to come on mn, talk about how you feel and process it before the birth and you shouldn't be flamed for that.

Don't worry or feel bad - you feel how you feel, no point beating yourself up over it. I am sorry you are feeling upset.

You have months before the birth, to get used to the idea of a boy, and bond with your baby knowing he is a he IYSWIM. Once you have imagined him as a boy for the rest of the pg, I bet you'll be desperate to meet him. I know some lovely boys, as well as some little monsters, its' the same with girls! You can, as northern said, get lovely things for boys, so do have a look - it might make you feel better.

Oh, and just in case it is about dresses and baking [hgrin], I know lots of little boys who love to cook, and one very boisterous little lad who came over recently, raided DD1s dressing up box, paraded out into the garden in wings, beads and wand, declaring "I'm a fairy!".

I wonder if its this whole 'princess' thing thats going on nowadays - and also girls seem to do better at school now than boys and so are in some ways seen as an easier option.

I have 2 boys my youngest has SN, and they really are wonderful. Boys are so much fun, and both of my children are beautiful (of course!). We won't be having any more because of the SN issues-and sometimes I do think I won't ever had a daughter, especially when I get older. I go shopping with my mom and do stuff with her, not a lot but stuff, and I know I will have a different relationship with my adult children as they're not going to want to hit the sales etc, and I do have a tinge of sadness about this. Don't beat yourself up, you're going to have a son, and you will adore him. It is strange sometimes what we think isn't it. I really didn't mind if we had boys or girls, but now my baby days are behind me I do have some sadness about never having a daughter. Don't worry about being flamed, there are plenty on here who will understand.

Youngnun, I felt exactly the same. I didn't find out the sex with DD but I did with DS and I felt horribly disappointed but I didn't tell anyone and secretly hoped they had it wrong! But really as soon as I met him I was so happy that he was a boy and now I love having a boy, he is so affectionate and such a mummy's boy and he is so much easier than DD ever was. I think it's quite normal but really as soon as you meet him you'll wonder why you ever wanted a girl (although they are equally wonderful but IMO no more so)

Hi YoungNun, I always imagined having a girl - grew up with a sister and mainly female relatives - and it wasn't so much that I wanted a girl, I couldn't imagine not having a girl!

When I was pregnant we didn't find out the sex of the baby, but at one point it occurred to me that there was actually a possibility that the baby could be a boy! From the moment that DS was born I absolutely loved having a son, and now I'd love to have another boy.

Don't worry too much about how you are feeling right now - I'm sure it is natural and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. Just relax and be reassured that you will love your son absolutely, and once he is here you prob won't be able to imagine him being any different!

Good luck!

Hey, I have a friend who desperately wanted a girl so badly that she spent her entire pregnancy convincing herself it was a boy, so she would be used to the idea once the baby came. (Her dp didn't want to find out the sex.)

Come the day, she gave birth to a girl, and her first thought was, "Where the hell is my son?!" You can change your mind a little too thoroughly

I really thought that DS was going to be a girl - I was utterly shocked when he came out and Dh said "its a boy".

But within hours/ next day, I had forgotten about the girl baby I was expecting and he is a lovely wee soul and I never regret his gender.

There are more clothes choices for girls which grips my shit considerably but an awful lot of it is pink and frankly inappropriate. And boys toys are better. Once he is here it will be impossibly to imagine him any other way.

But I couldn't do it until he was right there, waving his willy.

OP I am worried i could feel like you if the baby I'm carrying is not the gender I hope for. But I know that I'll love it like I love my DS. When yours is born you will forget all about how you feel today and just be overwhelmed by your delicious newborn.

"It's the truth that I knew it would be disappointment about having a boy."

Well, you had a 50% chance of being right, didn't you? Had it actually been the other way round, would you have posted "what a surprise, I was sure it would be disappointment about having a boy and I was wrong!"

OP, don't be ashamed. Feelings come and surprise you. I've been disappointed to find I was having a second boy and then disappointed to find my third was a girl (so, you would have been wrong there had I started a thread, NickNacks. I was delighted my first was a boy as it happens).

I loved them all the same the moment they were born.

Ironically, I own one dress myself, loathe shopping and my partner is the domestic god/ baker of the two of us, so I wasn't in love with some princessy stereotype. I'm trying to think analytically about it - I had a difficult relationship with my own mother growing up, so it may be that I wanted to heal that by being a good mother to a daughter, I don't know. I'm the eldest of three daughters, and my brother, the youngest child, is the sibling to whom I am least close, because I'd left home when he was still very young. Also that as I am an older mother, it's likely that this will be our only child.

Anonymousbird I have absolutely no defence. You are quite right. I have been telling myself to get real since ten o'clock this morning, and in much more unpleasant terms.

Thanks so much, the rest of you. It's lovely to hear from mothers of sons. I am re-reading your posts and feeling supported by them.

Op, when I got pregnant for the first time (10 years ago) I 'felt' like I was having a boy, and was constantly drawn to the boys section of clothes shops, eyeing up the jumpers with pictures of tractors etc on them, and making my boys names list. I was really happy about having a son, even though I hadn't had a scan. I found out the sex after a late scan, about 6 weeks before due date, and found out I was having a girl. I'm ashamed to say that like you I came home from the hospital and cried. When your baby is born though, I promise you, you will feel swamped with love, my dd is the apple of my eye, and I put my feelings of disappointment down to some kind of hormonal blip. Be happy, everything will be fine.

YoungNun, I had gender disappointment when I was pg. It was awful.

I was having a girl; when I found out I was devastated. I had wanted a boy my whole life. The strength of my feelings of disappointment shocked me.

Of course, looking back, I can see that my brain was riddled with hormones, I would have had the depression regardless of the gender of the baby, but at the time it felt awful. The worst thing was, I was carrying a healthy baby, and knowing how may people in the world would love to be in that position made me feel incredibly guilty for feeling the way I did.

The only information I could access about Gender disappointment was from mothers expecting boys and wanting girls- this made me feel even worse.

Interestingly, my ante-natal counsellor said that a large proportion of the expectant parents she saw suffering from gender disappointment were those who had been infertile for many years, and had eventually conceived through IVF; they had held on to a dream of a (usually) baby girl for so long, that when they conceived twin boys they were devastated.

It is almost taboo to discuss it- I could never tell anybody how disappointed I was, it seemed so ungrateful. I have posted about it a few times on MN, but tend to try and avoid the gender threads as it is a very emotive subject and I am tired of defending the feelings I had. Many people on here don't see it as a symptom of a depressive state, but as ungratefulness. Interestingly, women suffering with PND who claim not to want their baby tend not to be labelled ungrateful.

Of course, now my DD is nearly 2 and although she is not a boy, neither is she 'a girl'- she's an Angie and I love her more than life itself.

Please PM me any time you want- i promise you that you won't feel like this forever

Not to be really shallow (honest) as I know it's not about the 'stuff' but (whilst I'm in the mood for googling) how cool is this boyesque stuff?

stripes

bears

the girsl design is cute but check out the sky design

baby penguin

more stripes

I felt this way when I found out DS was a boy at our 20 week scan. A slightly sinking sense of disappointment that I wasn't going to have a daughter, at least this time. I'm close to my mum, have 2 sisters and went to a girls' school - I imagined I'd have the same sort of close relationship with a little girl as I have with my own mum, and I had unconsciously absorbed all sorts of sweeping generalisations about boys (noisy, messy, and don't really think much about going to see their parents once they've grown up - this last bit based on my own dad and husband lol!). I just had no idea what having a boy would be like. Slowly, though, I got used to the idea. Then I started to love the idea. A few weeks before he was born I suddenly thought 'What if they got it wrong? What if it's a girl!' and realised I would be really really sad not to have the son I had been imagining for those past 20 weeks. And he is the most awesome little guy. I feel so lucky to have him - I'm sure it will be similar for you.

OP when i found out my 2nd child was a boy,i was so confused,id never really thought about gender,but unconsciously i must have thought id have all girls,i have no brothers,no close male relations at all and i had no idea what 'boys' liked etc,etc.

i felt just like you do.

But the very moment he was born,i felt an overwhelming love,like nothing i had felt before,the love i have for my DD grew slowly,
but this washed over me immediately,
He is my boy,my light,my darling.

you will come to terms with this.
you will love your son.

hormones are horrid things sometimes,try not to beat yourself up about it,'tis a blip.

Youngnun - I was possibly a bit harsh on you, and for that I apologise. However, my first born was a boy and I could not love anything or anyone any more than I love him. I have a second child, who happens to be a girl who I equally adore. However, my love for them has nothing to do with their gender.

Sorry, however, my initial reaction was WHAT'S WRONG WITH A BOY, mine is to die for (to me!). So i was a little cross. And I shouldn't have been. And if you can't express your feelings here, then where can you?

I can't understand your disappointment, as I was never in your shoes, but please please rest assured, you will adore your gorgeous little boy with all your heart.

You will adore your son OP, and whilst you might always love the idea of a daughter, you'll never want to change your little boy. Such a special relationship between a Mother and Son. X

anonymousbird that's a really nice post.

Agreed- it takes guts to change your mind and apologise, anonymousbird. Lovely post

You feel how you feel. It's not wrong to feel that way.

A bit silly? Sure, but you're pregnant with your first and full of hormones and going through so many changes to your body, and how you think of yourself.

You're allowed to have a day of confusion and sadness that you don't understand.

I can't relate to your experience today, because my hospital doesn't tell you the gender, so I've never had to face knowing the gender that early.

But despite never having any gender preference before being pregnant first time, I surprised myself when I realised once pregnant that I wanted a girl. Not even that I wanted one, but that I found it hard to imagine how incould have a boy. It was ridiculous, and I knew it, but there it was.

Your boy will be scrumptious, and when he's born you won't be disappointed.

Congratulations - you're soon to have a son :)

Please don't feel ashamed - I think these are very normal feelings and probably much more common than people let on. Shows my ignorance, I'm surprised people get flamed when they are being brave enough to share something that's difficult to admit to oneself let alone anyone else.

I was also a bit disappointed when I found out Dc1 was a boy at the first scan. The biggest surprise was that I even had a gender preference as if you'd asked me 5 minutes before I found out I'd have truthfully said no.

In retrospect I think it's because a) I'm a girl and b) I only have a younger sister and so I found the unknown of a boy baby more daunting.

I loved having a boy and I honestly think boys seem easier to bring up than girls - less complicated! So much so I really, really wanted DC2 to be a boy at my scan - she wasn't and yes, I had the disappointment all over again in reverse

Really, don't give yourself a hard time, OP- I'm sure it is more common than is admitted to (although I really don't get the fact that it seems to be that more people want a girl. I had genuinely always thought it would be the other way!)

All through my first pregnancy, I was sure I was having a boy. When dd was born, we didn't even bother to check, so sure were we! The midwife said eventually "don't you want to know what you've got?" and it was a real "A boy without a winkle???" moment My first concern was that DH would be disappointed as I thought he would have preferred a boy (like the OP he had a rough relationship with his dad which he would have liked to counter with a good relationship with his son) I needn't have worried- we both fell in love with dd straight off

My second pregnancy I felt was another girl, and I was right. I was delighted to have another girl, as I'd always wanted a sister. I got miffed at people asking if we would "try again, for a boy"

We did try again, fully expecting to have another girl- and we got ds!! This time round I was worried about how I would mother a boy, having no experience of them, no brothers etc. But actually ds is the one who is most "like" me. I sometimes feel I understand him better than the girls, so gender really won't be an issue.

Congratulations on your boy-to-be!