Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

anyone else getting a hard time for not wanting to breastfeed

308 replies

kiki22 · 09/09/2011 21:54

I've been getting it from all directions for not wanting to breastfeed and am finding it very hard not to give in to the pressure, My reasons for not wanting to breastfeed are that i have back problems and will need to be on painkillers am currently only on paracetamol and in constant pain can not be in this pain with a baby and i may not always be able to do all feeds if i am in to much pain anyway, also i have a very stong bond with my niece which i believe came from being able to feed her as a baby and would not want to deprive DP of that experiance since i enjoyed it so much.

I keep being asked 'why do u not even want to try it's best for your baby' and on a few occations 'is it not worth the pain to do the best for baby' finding it very very hard not to crack under the disaproving looks has anyone else had to deal with shit over not BF??

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
cowboylover · 11/09/2011 12:57

Alpine- your words not mine!
All of the evidence says less of a chance not will happen so that's why I think it's good v better so your getting the wrong end of the stick there.

I'm glad your getting support OP and you may need it again in the future so nice to know you can get like minded support. I am pressurised in my family to FF using the same stance as Alpine but it is my choice.

Have you got much longer to go? My friend is in a similar situation with the meds who is due in January and can't wait!

AlpinePony · 11/09/2011 13:04

cowboy I'm afraid it's you who have misunderstood as you have actually been unable to articulate any information relevant to 'perceived risk' in the western world in 50 words or fewer. If you do choose to respond, is like to see evidence that you have understood and analysed what you've read and learned. No url's thanks.

crazyhead · 11/09/2011 13:40

OP - I am having my first, and I too am in a position where I end up formula feeding - I had to have surgery to have the breast ducts removed in one breast due to a severe abscess that failed to resolve after two years of aggressive antibiotics, and saw me up the hospital weekly. In my case, I'm giving in a crack because other breast is fine and the one-sided thing is unpredictable - could all be OK - but if you know your situation will definitely be crap, fair play to you for deciding now not to.

One thing I will however definitely decide in advance is precisely what I will say to anyone who has the temerity to criticise me/mention it if I do end up using formula - basically, I will make sure they will never say anything about FF to anyone, ever again. That's my way of feeling some control over the situation, so maybe do likewise ;)

crazyhead · 11/09/2011 13:41

excuse the many errors above - you can see this is an issue that really irritates me!

cowboylover · 11/09/2011 13:43

Alpine can you explain why you feel the need to put words that i did not say?

I do not perceive a risk to formula fed babies at all and do not ask you to justify your opinion so I will not try and justify mine. I expect we have seen the same information and come to our own conclusions which is why I am very pro choice as to feeding.

Iggi999 · 11/09/2011 14:24

Kiki I think you have explained clearly now your position regarding the painkillers - but as posters didn't know your ideal meds are incompatible with bf (and you only mentioned paracetamol in OP) you can surely understand why posters would give you advice about pain relief they had had?

ExpensivePants · 11/09/2011 14:39

I assumed that the OP had already looked at the options tbh. And she didn't ask for advice. That sounds narkier than I mean it to but that's what frustrated me a bit about this thread.

Iggi999 · 11/09/2011 15:06

Ok so we should just reply "yes I've been put under pressure" or "no, not me" then? If you post on MN, people will try to help you (welcome or otherwise!) It's what we do!

Bunbaker · 11/09/2011 15:17

"Gosh, people are AWFULLY judgmental about this"

I don't get that impression at all. It is obviously a sensitive topic for you.

"I'm not going to breastfeed. Not because i have a back problem, or anything else. Because I don't want to."

Not judging, honestly, but why?

ArthurPewty · 11/09/2011 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crazyhead · 11/09/2011 16:04

I think it is a sensitive topic for a lot of people bunbaker, just because there being a real media spotlight on the studies around it being the best thing for a baby. Going to antenatal classes as I currently am, I am also in no doubt whatsoever that it is a subject that people can be rather pompous about, including NCT teachers.

All of us want to be good mums, and do the very best for our children, but with breastfeeding, there are really quite a few scenarios where it isn't likely to happen. When a woman states she is in one of those scenarios, then all she needs is sympathy and back-up, frankly. The thing is with 'oh, give it a try' is that implies she hasn't thought it through, whereas nearly always she'll have really beaten herself up over it already, and probably talked to her doctor about it.

I've got no doubt whatsover that all things being equal, breastfeeding has advantages over bottlefeeding. Life isn't always equal though is it?

I think it can be quite a horrible and distressing feeling to deal with, and not one you can really understand if you're not in that situation.

pommedechocolat · 11/09/2011 16:08

I think it is utterly disgraceful that people would reply to OP with reasons to bf. Let's assume she is not an idiot and doesn't need your hysterical witterings patronising crap.

Iggi999 · 11/09/2011 16:18

Pomme, try reading Crazyhead's post for an example of how to disagree with someone in a respectful manner.

Crosshair · 11/09/2011 16:28

''I think it is utterly disgraceful that people would reply to OP with reasons to bf.''

She did give reasons why she didnt want to bonding worries, medication ect. Surely its normal for people to try and help with said reasons in a non judgemental manner? If she had said 'I dont want to bf, I have no plans on trying' I hope most people would of took that as fact and supported her decision.

Crosshair · 11/09/2011 16:31

To me giving reasons suggests you might want help with them, obviously after reading the following posts that isnt the case. I wish people the best with whatever feeding choice they choose.

MrsCog · 11/09/2011 16:52

You know what, I think the best mantra is this (I can't remember where I read it now) 'Formula milk won't kill your baby and breast milk won't make your baby fly'. I think some MNers should remember that sometimes - because these threads always seem to end up so fraught!

ragged · 11/09/2011 17:10

If you do bottlefeed, make sure that your DH does his full share of night feeds. It's only fair!! Especially as you say, you will need lotsa TLC & recovery time for more reasons than usual.

Which painkillers do you need, OP?

I don't give a Fig how your baby gets fed, but it rankles (hence why I ask) if I think people have made decisions on incorrect info. And it's very common for doctors to give incorrect info about which meds are incompatible with breastfeeding. So would you mind saying what they are?

Also, just mho, but I don't think DH bonded any less than he possibly could with our DC just because they weren't bottlefed, so again... I'm not sure that argument amounts to correct info.

Wanting a partner to do a large share of the feeds, and especially at night, that sounds like a very compelling reason to FF.... if he'll do it.

pommedechocolat · 11/09/2011 17:30

Iggi999 - would you reply to a post about wanting to bf and not ff with reasons to ff?

Mum2be79 · 11/09/2011 19:10

I haven't read all the messages but I wanted to say that it is your choice, nobodyelses. Millions have been formula fed and they all turned out fine (I did!).

Sometimes you just can't win! I'm wanting to BF until 6 months - a return to work forces me to give up at this point :( but my mum told me she thinks babies should not be BF from 3 months onwards because they are not 'baby-babies' then?!?! Confused Made me feel supported! (NOT!)

Iggi999 · 11/09/2011 19:38

Pomme no I wouldn't, because it would be strange and counter-intuitive to try to persuade someone to go for the second-best option. Our OP expressed a desire to bf, but couldn't due to various factors. Just not the same as someone saying "I don't WANT to bf", which would be purely up to them.

NewMummy5July2011 · 11/09/2011 21:09

Hi kiki22

You asked if anyone else has had to deal with shit over not BF - so thought I'd answer your question. I admit I wanted to BF but it didn't work out for a number of reasons, and not for lack of trying. However now that I FF, I haven't encountered much negativity tbh. Most people don't even ask me why I'm not BF. There are many reasons why some people can't BF, or don't want to BF and I really think most people respect a mothers choice and see it as a private matter when you are out and about.

I've had a few stupid remarks - but I've learned to deal with them as will you. I've found I've had alot more negative comments about my parenting rather than feeding... like the fact I let my DD fall asleep on my chest before moving her to her crib, or that I rock her to sleep, that we sometimes co-sleep, that I give her a bath with me instead of in a separate baby bath, that I go to her immediately when she cries (lots of people I know think I should let her cry it out and then I'm developing a bad habit by letting her sleep on me)... blah blah blah. I would say that feeding is a very small part of bonding and all those other things have helped me bond with her far more than feeding ever did!

You'll soon find out that you'll get comments from people no matter what you do - and the comments that bother you the most probably won't be about whether you BF or FF. Do what is best for you and remember it isn't anyone else's business how you decide to feed your child. You are the mummy and mummy always knows best!

Best of luck and congratulations!

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 11/09/2011 21:21

Kiki - If you'd explained that the painkillers that work best for you are not recommended to be taking while you're bf in your op I don't think you'd have got the same response.

As it is, it sounds like if you want to be relatively painfree and get as much sleep as any mother of a newborn can then you don't have a choice but to ff.

So now you just have to decide which formula is best......................... Wink

I hope the rest of your pregnacy goes well.
xx

pommedechocolat · 11/09/2011 21:49

Iggi - we must be reading different ops then. The one I see says 'not wanting to bf' three times including the title.
Yes bf has health advantages over ff but ff is still a valid feeding choice. People should respect that ff era have come to their own decision and not be patronising/preachy.

Brewster · 11/09/2011 22:13

Totally do what is best for you and yoru family.
When I had my first I was all set to bf for a year but he didnt latch on and blah blah blah problem after problem so I expressed for 6 weeks but due to body issues, pain and blah blah I gave up.
I developed MAJOR postnatal depression due (in part) to all the stress caused by trying to breastfeed and all that stuff...

This time I am not even going to attempt to bf.
I am sooo pro ff.
To be honest even the thought of bfing - even others doing it...makes me shudder!
Be happy and strong in your decsions - you know what is best for your family.
Took me a long time to realise that.
If you are stressed those hormones will go to your baby which is not good.
Bf nazis ...forget them. there is more to life and your new baby than some milk...wherever it comes from.
just chill... no one even commented once I had the baby and he had a bottle in his mouth.
It is NOONES business what you are feeding your baby so dont even give them the time of day.

Good luck and congrats xx

Chynah · 11/09/2011 22:23

Simple - just don't tell people, avoid answering or lie. It's no ones business but yours so don't feel you have to justify yourself to everyone or anyone.