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Original poster

anyone else getting a hard time for not wanting to breastfeed

308 replies

kiki22 · 09/09/2011 21:54

I've been getting it from all directions for not wanting to breastfeed and am finding it very hard not to give in to the pressure, My reasons for not wanting to breastfeed are that i have back problems and will need to be on painkillers am currently only on paracetamol and in constant pain can not be in this pain with a baby and i may not always be able to do all feeds if i am in to much pain anyway, also i have a very stong bond with my niece which i believe came from being able to feed her as a baby and would not want to deprive DP of that experiance since i enjoyed it so much.

I keep being asked 'why do u not even want to try it's best for your baby' and on a few occations 'is it not worth the pain to do the best for baby' finding it very very hard not to crack under the disaproving looks has anyone else had to deal with shit over not BF??

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SoftSheen · 10/09/2011 17:11

It's up to you how you feed your baby and you don't need to justify it to anyone else. You can be a great mum whether or not you bf or ff. However, I just wanted to make a couple of points:

  1. You can take quite a few painkillers whilst breastfeeding which you can't take when you're pregnant. I have taken (whilst bf) combinations of paracetamol, diclofenac and ibuprofen due to having a c-section and later back problems (though probably much milder than yours). You might like to have a chat with your doctor about options.

  2. Any length of time breastfeeding will benefit your baby. So if you were to give it a go and then switch to ff after a month, a week, or even a day your baby would still get significant benefits. You can of course also use mixed feeding. However, if you exclusively ff right from the start it will be really difficult to switch to bf if you were to change your mind at any point.

I wish you good luck and happiness with your new baby whatever you decide :)

BellaCB · 10/09/2011 18:06

kiki22 - just do whatever you want to do and try to ignore everyone else. I have also decided I don't want to breastfeed for a whole variety of reasons and the few people I have mentioned this to have, like people you know, been very negative. But the other posters' on here (bar the ones who have immediately jumped in and done what you said you were sick of!) are right: the is yours and your DP's baby and whatever you two decide to do is right for your new family. (If it's any support, one of the reasons we've decided to FF is to allow DP to enjoy the bonding time of feeding without me being stuck expressing every couple of hours to allow him to do that)

porpentine · 10/09/2011 18:12

Gosh, people are AWFULLY judgmental about this - particularly when, tbh, the advantages of breastfeeding vs formula for babies in the developed world are fairly minimal. Do what you want, op, it's your baby and your back so I really can't see why a bunch of random internet strangers think they're in a better position to assess the situation than you are.

SoupDragon · 10/09/2011 18:18

No one on this thread is judging. all that has been said is to keep an open mind and pointing out that she may be making her decision based on an inaccurate assumption

marthamay · 10/09/2011 18:19

Believe me, if you decided to breastfeed exclusively you'd get just as many negative comments, just from a different set of people....

cowboylover · 10/09/2011 18:20

I think it's wrong to say the differences are health advantages minimal as they are infact huge. It's not good v bad but good v better in my mind but it does not take into account the mental health and comfort of the mother.

You know what you want to do and unfortunately there are so many things as a parent people will give or inflict there opinion on you so stay strong and you will be great x

BikeRunSki · 10/09/2011 23:50

I don't think anyone is judging or piling in against OP's wishes, but are pointing out that sometimes the best laid plans don't work out. Any decision that involves a new baby before it is born is always going to be a risky one.

FWIIW, I FF'ed after a week on medical advice and am very pro choice regarding infant feeding.

AlpinePony · 11/09/2011 08:11

cowboy can you please explain in fifty words or fewer how my stupid, sickly, obese ff-fed son is Hugely disadvantaged? (Eyes roll out of head)

ExpensivePants · 11/09/2011 08:21

Read the op's second paragraph and tell me that people on this thread haven't been doing exactly what she describes. And tbf choosing to ff is about the only thing that you can plan in advance. Far more certain than whether you will bf.

No axe to grind here either. I fully intend to bf this baby. But if someone has made up their mind and comes here to moan about people's reaction then trying to change her mind is not the response she was looking for.

MrsCog · 11/09/2011 08:27

Op - I think your reasons for not wanting to BF are very valid and very different from just not wanting to try it.

I do wonder if some of the responders to your post read it properly as if you have a pre-existing health condition that leaves you in agony, then you are right to put your sanity first. A happy ff mother is going to be much better for the baby than a stressed sad mother.

NoobyNoob · 11/09/2011 08:34

Do whatever you feel is best. It really isn't anyone elses business but yours.

I'll most probably get slated for what I'm about to say here, but I only intend to BF my second for the colostrum, and after that I have decided to formula feed. It suits me and my current situation, and that's what you have to do with yourself.

happycamper23 · 11/09/2011 08:42

A good friend has chronic back pain and she too FF. She has a strong healthy toddler and she was finally in less pain, after 9 months of minimal pain relief. Happy mum, happy baby Smile

Do what you feel is right and congratulations!

Iggi999 · 11/09/2011 08:56

I'm not sure how the OP feels on hearing there is a lot of medication she can in fact take while bf. Ie, is a solution to the problem what she wants, or not. Some women are very sad about not bf, and would love a way to have done it, so I don't think it is inappropriate to ask this.
I will not comment on the 'happy mum, happy baby' remark, as it has been dealt with many times on MN!

MrsCog · 11/09/2011 09:15

iggi999 sorry are you refering to my happy mum happy baby comment? I really didn't mean it to be offensive and have heard it a lot and was honestly just trying to be nice to the op and reassuring her in her choice.

REALLY sorry to anyone who it might have offended/if it was naieve - rethinking it (and as my DC is only 14+3), it's not true anyway. But obviously caring for a baby I'm sure would be easier (and probably therefore more pleasurable) if you're not in agonising pain - I think that's what I meant.

Sorry again :(

redheadbedhead · 11/09/2011 09:24

i think it's up to you to do whatever you like.

It is possible to express breast milk into a bottle though, if you want your DP to do some bottle feeding. That's what I'm hoping anyway, I'm the main earner!

happycamper23 · 11/09/2011 09:26

Mrscog I think it was my comment but I also meant no offence and echo your post entirely, in fact could have written it myself!

I know there are people who are very sad that they can't breastfeed, I was lucky enough to be able to and BF for 18 months and am very grateful I had no complications.

Sorry again if I caused offence.

Iggi999 · 11/09/2011 09:48

Oh dear, not expecting/needing apologies! I just meant, there are so many provisos to that remark it doesn't really mean anything. I mean, if what makes me happy is drinking a bottle of vodka at night, or scoring some crack, or leaving the baby at the bottom of the garden so I can get some sleep - do we still say 'happy mum, happy baby"?
(Thinking: people in pregnancy topic are much nicer than folk over in AIBU! Smile )

ArthurPewty · 11/09/2011 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyoneButLulu · 11/09/2011 09:51

It's all very well to say "it's her choice" but if I came on and said "I have definitely decided to bf even though it means staying off my medication because otherwise I won't be able to bond with my baby properly" (or some other dubious proposition) then people would quite rightly point out that that the reasons were dubious.

OP has given two reasons for a firm decision not to bf - she wants her pain relief back, and she wants DH to be able to feed the baby. Nobody has said that she should stay in pain for 6 months. Very few people have said that bottle feeding doesn't help with bonding. It is
not disrespectful of her choice to point out that she may be able to have the things she wants and still have the health and other benefits of bf (even if only for a short time).

Daiso · 11/09/2011 10:19

I'm not going to breastfeed. Not because i have a back problem, or anything else. Because I don't want to.
My child, my choice. And yes, i've had disapproving comments from many including my own mother, however i have not and will not tell anyone else what or how to feed their child so i do not expect the same back.
OP - you're not on your own and do not feel bad for your choices. We are all different and all make choices based on what is best for us - there is no right or wrong way - just what you feel is the best way.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 11/09/2011 10:48

Hi. I couldn't bf DD as my milk never arrived, plus she refused to latch on. I admit that I had the opposite view to you, in that it broke my heart and I wanted to bf really badly.

BUT

3 yrs on, and DD is a picture of health - no illnesses apart from usual coughs and colds, no skin disorders, hasn't grown a 2nd head ( Grin ) and we have a lovely bond.

You wanted to know if anyone had experienced negativity - I didn't. In fact in my local baby group of 10, only 2 mums were bf. It saddened me but I also know that formula isn't poison and a healthy, relaxed baby comes from a healthy, relaxed mum who isn't hassled for the choices she makes.

Good luck and just go with what you need to do. Maybe do your research (eg about painkillers), so you are 100% sure that ff is right for you.

ExpensivePants · 11/09/2011 10:48

I think the poor OP has been scared off :)

Crosshair · 11/09/2011 10:51

I dont think people are being judgmental more trying to be helpful by providing different options to the op's no bf reasons.

Personally I think it would be better to say ''No I dont want to'' if your mind is already made up and isnt likely to change, why justify your choices to anyone else.

Original poster
kiki22 · 11/09/2011 11:50

the thread is 'anyone else getting a hard time for not wanting to breastfeed' NOT does anyone else want to pile on the guilt about not wanting to breastfeed.

Thanks to everyone for the support :)

OP posts:
Original poster
kiki22 · 11/09/2011 12:05

and with regards to there are lots of pain killers you can take when breastfeeding i know this however the meds i used to take that work you can't take with pregnant of BF. At the moment i am in constant pain and even my doctor argees that the stress caused by the pain is not good for the baby. I think the benefits of BF in this case are outweighed by the fact if i stay off pain meds that work i will be in pain stressed pissed off and doubly sleep deprived as i can't sleep in this pain no baby needs a crazy person that can hardly move for a mother.

Does anyone think it's a good idea to be feeding a baby strong pain meds for 9 months before he's born and an additional 6 months after he's born?? i do not.

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