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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Do you have to have a new baby in your bedroom at the beginning?

190 replies

JoEW · 05/10/2010 16:56

Maybe this is a really stupid question, but is it necessary to have your baby in with you in the early days or can they sleep in another room? As you can probably tell, this is my first. Our bedroom is really small and I was thinking it would be easier to go straight to having the cot in the spare room. Is it just a matter of it being easier to have your baby near when it's really tiny or shouldn't you leave them alone at night at first?

Also, we have a very large dappy dog who currently has is bed in our room and I was thinking it might be easier to just give the baby their own room straight away rather than having to train the dog not to come into our bedroom.

I hope this doesn't sound like I am putting the dog before our baby, not the case at all!

Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
buttonmoon78 · 06/10/2010 11:26

Which is exactly my point MoonUnitAlpha. These theories are being used to bash people over the head and label them as cruel. The only research I have found is circumstancial and anecdotal.

I have read the information on the FSID webpage which states that since parents have been following the guidelines (published in 1991) over sleep SID has fallen by 70% but this will have a lot to do with sleeping on their back and feet to foot etc.

True scientific research appears woefully inadequate - presumably due to the fact that it is unexplained.

ToniLondon · 06/10/2010 11:30

Wow, people are being so cruel on this thread!!! When it's your first baby, you really don't know much yet. I don't think it's helpful to make a new mother feel so bad about merely asking a question.

keepmumshesnotsodumb · 06/10/2010 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buttonmoon78 · 06/10/2010 11:51

As far as I can see, the 'attributable' refers to the risk NOT the cause ie in 36% of cases in this study the baby was sleeping in another room.

The study also points out that having moved house since birth increases the risk by 9.5%.

The conclusion states:

^As almost all studies have found, SIDS is associated with biological, (male sex, low birthweight, multiple birth), social (young
unmarried mother with unemployed partner, etc), and environmental (parental smoking, overcrowding) factors. Nevertheless, the data suggested that, despite unavoidable
disadvantages, most of these deaths might not have occurred had these infants been put down supine in a cot in the parent?s room with light bedding that the baby could not get over its head.^

The data suggested. That is the nature of much medical research and this then forms the basis of guidelines, as it should.

buttonmoon78 · 06/10/2010 11:52

Rats. That didn't work, did it?!

keepmumshesnotsodumb · 06/10/2010 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buttonmoon78 · 06/10/2010 12:11

Great. Keep talking at them and they go away. It's been my mantra through life! Grin

DirtyMartini · 06/10/2010 12:31

Tell you what, I love having dd in with us ... she's so cuddly and sweet :) We have a bedside cot and it has made life a million times easier than when DS was in our room in a normal cot. Just the getting up to a standing position and lifting him out of the cot each time was really hard -- he was a wakeful baby and the effects of sleep-deprivation really shocked us.

Now with the bedside cot it's so much better -- although half the time I end up cuddling dd in beside me because I just love the feeling of having her there and she seems to love it too. (She is 5 months).

Gherkins yes you can do all that stuff in bed nappy changes and all, newborn poo (especially if bf) isn't like older babies' nappies, it's fine. Tbh we rarely need to change dd's nappy at night, but we keep a small basket with nappies, wipes and nappy sacks near to hand and just unzip her grobag and do it right on the bed.

rudbekia · 06/10/2010 12:40

Thanks ladies - its been very reassuring to hear some common sense being talked at last. Being a first time mum-to-be is, a lot of the time, horrible. Not only are you adjusting to the oddities of pregnancy, every decision seems impossible in the face of hugely emotive and conflicting advice. So, you drag yourself around feeling confused and guilty, wondering how on earth you/the baby/your DH are going to survive at all.
I come from a big family and tend to go to my mum for advice seeing as she's had a few! I've read several books all with differing approaches to the whole baby thing and trying to find what 'chimes' with me, DH and our lifestyle - knowing full well things are going to be completely different once the baby is here. I am likely to have a big baby (runs in the family) and we can only fit a moses basket in our room. Once its too big its in its own room and cot....how that makes me 'cruel' I don't know?!

JazzieJeff · 06/10/2010 13:03

whatwillsantabring (cool name btw), yes it was in an NHS information leaflet given to me stvthe doctors. It seems to me that the risks are minimal; I think you're better off spending your time making sure nobody smokes in your household, and that if visitors are smokers, then they refrain from doing so until they've left your home. I can't see having our ds in with us for that long to be honest; DH keeps me awake with snoring at the best of times... Between him and a snuffly baby? I'll be dead from sleep deprivation by Christmas! Am I going to feel bad? No.

moonunitalpha I guess every healthcare trust views the whole co-sleeping thing differently. I am a heavy sleeper, and personally I couldn't relax with my small in the same bed as us, but you're right about having a plan in case you do end up co-sleeping.

Thanks for keeping the tone light and non judgemental! There have been a few people being really nasty and judgy on topics in this pregnancy forum lately... And it's the harshest thing ever and so sad to see :-(

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 06/10/2010 13:06

A thread about sleep, little babies and SIDs has got "emotional" Hmm. I'm not surprised it's probably the most emotive subject there is after how you feed the baby.

I don't think the OP has been flamed.

I do think putting a newborn baby straight into their own room is cruel and if you don't like that opinion then put your fingers in your ears. Gradually putting a baby in another room over the course of weeks, though contrary to advice, is different.

The most vocal advocates of "own room from birth" have not had babies yet so it's not surprising their views have wound people up.

The risk of SIDs is informative but it's only one of the aspects. Parenting is not a set of boxes to be ticked according to lifestyle and likes / dislikes once you have read all the books and dispassionately weighed the risk/benefit ratio. It's a relationship. The party missing from this discussion is the baby. They may be only a few hours old but they will make their feelings and preferences abundantly clear and, no matter how many times you explain it, they won't give a flying fuck for the difference between relative and absolute risk.

A few posters robustly stating their views on an internet forum is cruel or 'bashing people'? Nah - it's an educational process. Being a mother is not for the faint-hearted and you need a pretty thick skin.

For what it's worth OP, the best advice I had was that the first 3 months should be thought of as the 'fourth trimester' and the baby will be as close to you as s/he was in the womb. Smile

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/10/2010 13:17
JazzieJeff · 06/10/2010 13:43

That's fair enough tondela, that's you're opinion and it's interesting to have different views... That's the point of an online forum! The point is though, you put your view across firmly but with respect. I've got time for that. I don't have time for all this 'no comment' business or cutting remarks. Becoming a mum is hard enough without making someone feel awful to boot.

That's good advice about a fourth trimester though, I don't think the baby even realises they're separate from you until later on.

DirtyMartini · 06/10/2010 13:45

Tondelayo is quite right.

I blame the preggers' hormones Wink

JoEW · 06/10/2010 14:08

Hello ladies. I was almost scared to have a look at this thread today, just about coped with the comments about being lazy and cruel yesterday. Had my 12 week scan this morning and all looking dandy, which is fab news.
I was genuinely interested as to whether it was a big deal to have your baby in with you, clearly the general consensus is that it is. So we will, dawg will be kicked out. Maybe I should just have googled it and not bothered with the question! Still, it's been useful to read all the sane comments and I guess I just hadn't really though about it that throughly. Anyway, cheers for the helpful posts - thankfully I am a pretty laid-back person so haven't taken great offence at the others. Good luck everyone, even the loonies!

OP posts:
buttonmoon78 · 06/10/2010 14:15

Excellent news about the scan.

Tondelayo - I believe cruelty was not mentioned particularly in relation to the comments made on this thread. It was mentioned in relation to the OP and her questioning the reasoning behind the guidelines.

I too regarded the first 3 months as months 10-12 of pregnancy and I have little sympathy with anyone who says that cuddling a small baby will spoil them, or anyone trying to place them in an unnecessarily restrictive routine. But when a baby is asleep it's asleep. It is not therefore cruel to leave it to sleep in another room and I fail to see how you can think it is!

keepmumshesnotsodumb · 06/10/2010 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SauvignonBlanche · 06/10/2010 15:49

That's lovely JoEW

Good luck!

MigGril · 06/10/2010 16:46

What I'm suprised aboout is the no. of posters on hear who don't seem to have been given there 'Reduce the risk of cot death' leaflet.

Hears the link
www.dh.gov.uk/en/Publicationsandstatistics/Publications/PublicationsPolicyAndGuidance/DH_4123625

That's the current NHS guidlines. But I'm always amazed that co-sleeping is discouraged, after all it's far safe to cosleep with your baby then risk falling asleep on the sofa. I think it would be much better if they gave out the right advice to encourage safe cosleeping then say not to do it as some babies have other ideas. Plus it is know to help maintain breatfeeding and as someone else pointed out in countries where it is the norm to cosleep SIDS is vertualy unhured off.

For those of you intersted hear's the NICE guidlines for safe cosleeping
www.babyfriendly.org.uk/page.asp?page=115&category=3

stuffedmk · 06/10/2010 17:05

We had DS in with us for a few days but found that he slept better in his room (which was across the hall and in easy listening/viewing distance) we had a monitor in there aswell.
I intend to have the next one in with us but if I find the same again I won't be overly worried about putting bubba in their own room. I was always very careful to follow guidelines on bedding, temperature, and whatever else they were saying at the time.
I didn't breastfeed last time so from a disturbance point of view it made little difference.

Just thought it would be helpful to have more people posting who would admit to not having baby in with them. I would say that I am all for following the recommendations but individuals shouldn't be made to feel bad if they make different choices.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 06/10/2010 17:36

ToniLondon mentioned cruel posters on this board, buttonmoon.

Thank you for the compliment Alibaba

Congratulations on scan and on coming back to brave the lion's den OP.

buttonmoon78 · 06/10/2010 18:46

Tondelayo so did you at 13:06!

mathanxiety · 06/10/2010 19:12

This site has links to several others on co-sleeping. Dr James McKenna, University of Notre Dame (Indiana, USA) has done a massive amount of research into co-sleeping and is a leading proponent. www.cosleeping.org/ The question of where the baby sleeps is all bound up with individual parenting styles and preferences, with not much mention of the effect of sheer exhaustion on a mother -- the physical effort of rising from a nice cozy bed time after time every night to attend to the baby cannot be understated ime.

Here are a few comments that really bear repeating;
'I was so exhausted I was terrified that I would drop DS. Bed felt much safer because I would lie down so that there was nowhere for DS to fall if I fell asleep.'
'I always get in bed to feed at night because I am scared of falling asleep-'
'The difference being is I got even more tired trotting up and down to her, and even hurt both her and me falling over one night while hallucinating.' THIS CAN HAPPEN
'in the chair I used to have my feet up high and be leant back, so even if I did nod off baby wouldn't have gone anywhere or got squashed.'
'it's worth making your bed safe - better to accidentally fall asleep lying down in a safe bed than fall asleep on a sofa etc while desperately trying to stay awake.'

Gherkins and Miffster; I changed probably ten nappies at night throughout my whole experience of 5 babies. The only reason to change a nappy imo, is a massive poo, otherwise far better to leave the nappy til morning and save yourself many sleepless hours. The point made earlier about helping babies to develop day/night differentiation is very important here. The less disturbance to the baby's sleep at night the better. Nothing is guaranteed to wake a sleepy baby faster than a cold wet wipe on his little rear end.

Burping can be done in a bed just as easily as on a chair; my technique was to lay the baby on my outstretched left hand, holding her at about a 45 degree angle and pat and rub until a burp was produced. I've also burped babies by sitting up slightly in bed and doing what I would in a chair. All of mine needed a lot of work to get a burp up and they wouldn't settle again until this was accomplished, but it can definitely be done in a bed. (Am also jealous of anyone whose baby could sleep without burping) Burping gets much easier once the baby can hold his little head up. It's tricky with a newborn, and if your baby gulps and splutters as she latches on or when your milk comes in, a lot of air can be swallowed.

"you may find yourselves waking up the first few weeks and scrabbling around in the bed trying to find the baby, thinking they've fallen off the branch. No one's probably warned you that you'll actually just turn into monkey mummies!" This is sooooooo true, (and so funny).

You will be such a different person, almost a newborn you, a complete mammal, when your baby arrives. And you will never sleep the same again, not for years and years. When you manage to sleep long enough to dream, you will dream of sleeping.

Congrats on the scan, JoEW Smile

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/10/2010 19:37

That is so true about scrabbling in the bed! You will have fed your baby, put them in their basket or whatever and then dream you are still feeding them, dream you have woken up and can't find them, and then wake up and panic because you actually can't find them!

DirtyMartini · 06/10/2010 21:24

Really nice post, math :)

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