Do you have to have a new baby in your bedroom at the beginning?

[JoEW]

Maybe this is a really stupid question, but is it necessary to have your baby in with you in the early days or can they sleep in another room? As you can probably tell, this is my first. Our bedroom is really small and I was thinking it would be easier to go straight to having the cot in the spare room. Is it just a matter of it being easier to have your baby near when it's really tiny or shouldn't you leave them alone at night at first?

Also, we have a very large dappy dog who currently has is bed in our room and I was thinking it might be easier to just give the baby their own room straight away rather than having to train the dog not to come into our bedroom.

I hope this doesn't sound like I am putting the dog before our baby, not the case at all!

Any advice welcome.

I knew the SIDS risk, put DD in a seperate room when she came home. Had the baby monitor on for about ten minutes and then turned it off as she was far to snuffly noisy!

Before I even mentioned my attitude to risk, OP had had a bitchy biscuit sign, had been told she was putting her dog first, and had been told anything other than having your baby in your room for the first six months is cruelty. The very fact that people are saying things like "braces herself for a mumsnet slaying" just somes up the attitude of many posters - anyone who disagrees brings on a witchhunt. Although the reasonable, open-minded people seem to be trickling though.

ladybiscuit.........sorry for the rant. A long day and my sense of humour seems to have completely abandoned me

I suppose what I was trying to say was - I have some plans (and I don't think that's a bad idea) but I also fully accept these plans will in all probability change. I think the OP asked a perfectly valid question and felt some of the responses were not helpful. Being a mum-to-be for the first time is a minefield and you get all sorts of conflicting advice from all sorts of reliable sources. What is right for one person might not be right for another and I think its really important that we try and support one another's different approaches - and say, ok, this was my experience BUT see how you feel/what works best for you keeping all advice in mind.

Well it does sound a bit odd saying that you don't want the hassle of training or inconveniencing the dog so you're going to put the baby in another room :o

Suppose!! I don't really have views on dogs, never had any!

I'm sorry too rudbeckia. I think there are some things on here that a lot of us feel quite strongly about :o and then if you get all us old gimmers hitting new convos, we can't resist sticking our oars in. And it feels like being hit over the head by Ina May Gaskell twenty times

Sometimes it's hard to see the thread in its entirety.

all of mine sleept own room from birth, doors open and audio and visual monitors.we heard and saw everything - they were fine

On a related note. Those of you who have had babies in their rooms, did you go for a standalone cot or one of those things that hang off the bed (the technical term..!!?)?

I think it's useful to have reiterated the SIDS advice and the perceived reasoning behind it. Op asked if there was a reason and this is the main one. If people make an informed choice to have their baby sleep elsewhere, that's up to them.
I do think it also reasonable to point out how different you may feel when the baby comes, to be prepared for that. I didn't know before DS was born that I would want him so physically close all the time.
The night feeding - well I was so terrified of falling asleep on DS I got up and sat in the spare room with him for every feed so I could read to keep myself awake!

Mine moved next door when they were 3 days and 15 days old. I can't sleep with them in the same room, too noisy.
There is a slightly incresed risk of sids, you can get a breathing monitor if you're worried.

I have a bedside cot (can take one side off and there are several mattress heights so you can line it up with your bed) - means I can just scoot ds up to me/back in his cot in the night, more room in the bed than co-sleeping and he can't roll off anything. Then it's also a standalone cot when he moves into his own room.

I did both cot in the room (with one) and co-sleeping in the bed (with three). I wish they had invented the clip on cots at the side of the bed when I was doing night feedings, as it would definitely have been a fantastic option for me. The cot in the separate room for DD1 was an experience I would never repeat.

I had DS in an Amby nest next to my side of the bed - it took up much less space than an cot and we also used it as a travel cot until he got too big for it at about 9 months.

We had both DCs sleep in our room but the whole scoop them up feed and straight back to sleep didn't work at all, used to go to the nursery to feed and change nappies because there was more room ther, a comfy chair and all the nappy stuff, no room for it all in our room. Also found feeding in bed uncomfy plus risk of falling asleep. So different things work for different people.

Wow - do some of you realise how bullying some of these posts sound? Yep I'm expecting, yep it's my first, yep I'm terrified and, like the OP, have a host of potentially stupid questions that I wanted to ask. Guess here isn't the place...

Oooo an Amby nest! I've not seen those before. Another new thing to consider

pink - they are fab

Frozen - please do fire away with questions, honestly. I am having a hormonal day (pregnant with DC2) and ranting at whoever crosses my path - this particular topic just happens to be something that I feel really strongly about. But don't let me put you off, MN has such a wealth of knowledge. I really wish I had been a poster on here when I was expecting DS.

You need to teach the dog not to come in your room, firstly. Are you going to let the dog lick the baby all over after he has been licking his bum just because he's a member of the family? Of course not. Yes, dogs are close, but a baby has to come first. And if for no other reason than you won't want a dog jumping all over you in bed if you have had to have a CS / stitches / are trying to establish breastfeeding / trying to get some sleep, then he needs to learn that he can't come in. Put stair gates up early, before the baby arrives, so he is used to them.

It is safer, more practical, easier and more reassuring to have a baby in the room with you. SIDS advice shows that a baby remembers to breathe by hearing you breathe, and also that a mother is in a different state of alertness whilst sleeping in the same room as her baby, to detect any changes in babies sleeping pattern.

If you are breastfeeding, then you will be feeding maybe every hour to begin with, and if you're bottle feeding it may well be around the same, so being in the same room (if you have a helpful OH to pass baby to you, maybe still in the bed!) is a great advantage.

And you will probably be putting your hand on baby's chest at least once an hour to make sure they are still breathing so not having to leave the room to do that is great too.

Also IMO, it seems slightly cruel to take a tiny child who has been wrapped up snug and warm hearing your heartbeat constantly for nine months and put them in a room all by themselves.

I agree with your great dog advice here, SirBoobAlot -- dogs are pack animals who live in their own hierarchical scheme of things, and the dog will have to adjust to the arrival of someone higher on the pecking order than him once the baby arrives. Best to start soon with this so that he will accept the newcomer right from the start and you will have peace of mind.

And the rest of your advice is really great, and well put too.

May I add that while right now your world is the familiar one of you, DH and dog, and maybe you can't really imagine how much it will be turned upside down and how much of a new person you will become when you deliver your baby, he or she will be the focal point of your entire existence in due time.

I could have written your post OP - we too have a dog and she sleeps in our bedroom with us (we have tried to get her out, but she just barks and whines all night long if she's not in the same room as us).

So DD1 came in with us in a cot, the dog slept in her bed on the other side of the room. Breastfed, so was up and down picking her up out of her cot and putting her back again; dog snoring quietly on the other side of the room.

After 7 weeks though, she started to wake up when DH and dog got up for morning dog walk (6am) and then she was up for the day which meant I had to be as well! Given the lack of sleep due to all the night feeds, this arrangement wasn't working for me.

So DD1 went into her own room at 8 weeks and everyone slept much better (she was down to one feed a night at that stage too).

DD2 came along and has been in our bed from the get go and no signs of moving her yet at 16 weeks (she feeds ALL night and I can't be arsed to get up and go to another room to feed). DH still gets up with the dog, but she doesn't wake up strangely, and I therefore get another couple of hours sleep wrapped up with her in bed.

Basically, you'll do whatever works for you when the baby gets here - you'll be so sleep deprived anyway, that all the advice you've had will go out the window, it will be what helps you survive the first few weeks and if that means keeping her in with you - fine - and if it means she's better off in her own room away from noisy dogs and DHs - also fine.

Good luck!

Could I ask a practical question about the sleeping-in-the-same room thing though?

(and YES, I'm a first-timer!!)

I'm told that after each feed you have to burp the baby, lots of patting on the back, soothing, much wiping of milk with muslins etc, and possibly a nappy change too. Surely this can't all be done in bed, and you need to get out of bed to comfort the baby, get nappy changing gear, etc etc?

In which case, you'll have to get out of bed at some stage for each feed anyway?

I'm planning to have the baby in with us in a moses basket for first couple of months due to SIDS advice, but surely I'll end up having to go next door to baby's room to get change of clothing and nappies etc all sorted.

It just seems from a practical point that by the time you've done all of that, you might as well feed the baby in a comfy chair in its own room, where there will be less chance of falling asleep on your baby in bed.

Thanks for asking that Gherkins, I have been wondering about that too.

If you breastfeed then the baby doesn't really need burping, mine hasn't been sicky, and he falls asleep feeding so there has never been the need to pat him back to sleep. He did need a nappy change after a feed in the first few weeks but I would finish feeding and then hand him over to DP to do that (only seemed fair since he slept through the feed!).

Personally I would be more scared of falling asleep in a chair, as that's a much bigger risk. I make sure my bed is safe for ds (duvet tucked in at the end of the bed so it can only come up to my waist for example) and then in the night I just pull ds over to me, latch him on and feed lying down - we both usually fall doze off before the end of a feed.

In the early days when night feeds took up to an hour, I used to sit up in bed and had my iphone and laptop handy to watch a dvd or check mumsnet. Still nice to be able to snuggle up in bed while doing so, and then pop him straight back in his cot or hand him over to dp after though.

I also do the hand on his chest to check he's still breathing, and he's 8 weeks old now

Can you not co-sleep? At least at first?

I always get in bed to feed at night because I am scared of falling asleep- much safer to do it in bed, lie on your side, give baby a boob, if they still want more when they finish roll over so they are on the other side and all go to sleep.

Baby is cuddled, warm, fed and secure and you actually get some sleep! Win win!

If they need burping, I sit them up in bed for a couple of minutes and they are fine, and they can go a few hours without a nappy change- it is only really needed with poo- newborn wees are so tiny I think they are fine over night unless they start shouting. (By overnight I mean while I am asleep, so midnight till 6am ish)

But then I might be a neglectful mother...