Do you have to have a new baby in your bedroom at the beginning?

[JoEW]

Maybe this is a really stupid question, but is it necessary to have your baby in with you in the early days or can they sleep in another room? As you can probably tell, this is my first. Our bedroom is really small and I was thinking it would be easier to go straight to having the cot in the spare room. Is it just a matter of it being easier to have your baby near when it's really tiny or shouldn't you leave them alone at night at first?

Also, we have a very large dappy dog who currently has is bed in our room and I was thinking it might be easier to just give the baby their own room straight away rather than having to train the dog not to come into our bedroom.

I hope this doesn't sound like I am putting the dog before our baby, not the case at all!

Any advice welcome.

not to the risk, no (how absurd!) but clearly it provides reassurance without having to disturb baby!

I still do the breathing check and DS is 2 and 3 months

Gherkins/Miffster if you are BFing then you don't really get milk everywhere - nothing more than a muslin can deal with quite easily. I never changed DS' sleepsuit during the night unless we had had a nappy explosion.
Nappy changing I think we did in the night for the first couple of weeks while we were getting BFing sorted out - I would feed DS from one breast and then DH would change him which would wake DS up a bit and then he would have the other breast. We really didn't do it for long, and when we did we just used to change DS on our bed with a towel.

I agree about the chair thing - I've got a rocking chair in DS' room which gets tons of use now for bedtime stories but I hardly used it for feeding during the night, I was so exhausted I was terrified that I would drop DS. Bed felt much safer because I would lie down so that there was nowhere for DS to fall if I fell asleep.
The first couple of weeks I couldn't manage feeding lying down because of my section, and DH would bring DS to me and sit up with me while I fed - bring me a cup of tea etc. Feeding in those early weeks took ages - we used to put the telly on and just try and relax while DS sucked away!

Mine seemed to need their nappy changing every time they fed the fifst few weeks, I definitely felt safer and comfier in a chair, they were both winter babies so we had thick winter bedding on our bed was worried about them getting under it and overheating, in the chair I used to have my feet up high and be leant back, so even if I did nod off baby wouldn't have gone anywhere or got squashed. I think you have to try a few things and see what works best for you.

Wow! This post has touched a few raw nerves!

In the book my gp gave me, if you follow all the current SIDS advice; that is having the baby in the same room as you (not in the same bed) for the first six months, not smoking at all, not drinking and not gaving pets in the same room as bub is sleeping in, the risk currently stands at 0.007%. By putting your baby in his/her own room, this risk doubles. To 0.014%. So it's up to you, really. I wouldn't condemn you for it though, it's your choice. Far, FAR worse would be to carry on smoking I think. As for the co-sleeping idea; I'd be worried about rolling onto my baby and suffocating him. In that instance, I'd actually rather put him in his own room. But again, that's personal choice. Here on mumsnet; I've noticed co-sleeping is almost encouraged, yet I asked my midwife about it (didn't know what it was; dumb first timer!) and she looked positively shocked and obviously really frowned upon it. So I highly doubt, as one poster suggested that you'd have to 'justify' yourself to a midwife or hv standing in your house. If the healthcare professionals taking care of me were that judgemental towards me and my parenting decisions; I'd show them where the door was!

Personally, I've got a Moses basket in our bedroom (space is tight) and a cot in the nursery. I'll make the right choice for both of us, at the right time. If that means I want to put him in his cot week one, day one then that's up to me and for no one else to judge. So yes OP; I'd say it is possible as long as you're happy with your decision.

gherkins if you want to have baby in with you, then to save you the trouble why not get a few little storage baskets you can put the essentials in (nappies, wipes, cream, clean clothes etc) and a cheap spare changing mat or towel, slide the lot under your bed and then when the tome comes at night; you're not traipsing round the house looking for stuff? Waaay too much effort! I've got a 'kit' like that for my living room because there's no way I'm dashing upstairs every five minutes for clean clothes/nappies/bibs or whatever! Although I guess it's one way to get fit...

Lastly, can I just say that I get that people have really strong opinions on some topics, but that there's really no need to flame other people for them? The OP has disappeared and that's sad. She, like many of is are first timers and have loads of questions, some of which might seem really obvious to some of you who've got kids already, but for the rest of us mere mortals; we're just muddling on through like you did at one stage. So please, if it's an emotive topic for you, answer the question and move on. Some of the sarcastic and mean comments on here are totally unnecessary from both sides of the debate.

I remember being desperate to move DD to her own room. I waited the full 6 months because of SIDS advice and then moved her. I was sure her awful sleep was due to us all disturbing each other. But no, she was just awful at sleeping, and continued to wake. The difference being is I got even more tired trotting up and down to her, and even hurt both her and me falling over one night while hallucinating. We moved the cot back into our room sharpish!! Now she is 10 months and settles in her own room fine, but I still have to go and check on her to reaasure myself!

Gherkin - I had a little empire all within arm's reach of the bed and did everything within a small radius, changing her on the bed on a towel, and popping her back into the moses basket right by the bed - no need to go anywhere! You only need to change them if they poo, and the frequency does settle down after a few weeks. Avoiding changing their nappy unnecessarily in the night can help them establish day-night recognition.

For me it just felt wrong to have the baby anywhere except next to me at the start, even hated her being held by other people, so our carefully planned Moses basket arrangement didn't work and we co-slept.

This was also easier physically as it was hard to lift her out due to weak muscles especially when sleep deprived.

For the first few weeks we put light on, nappy changed and burped half way through every feed (she pooed during most feeds), around 3-4 weeks though we stopped changing her as she stopped pooing during the night

Also i found that didn't need to burp her in the night much, she would burp when I switched sides by lifting her over when feeding lying down.

Definitely plan for the eventuality that you might have the baby in your bed, just in case. It is safer to make a plan than end up accidentally cosleeping in an unsafe environment.

Thanks JazzieJeff for the research info. Any chance you can direct me to where you found 0.0007 to 0.0014% stats? I spent ages looking but can't find the facts anywhere. I found loads on all the other risk factors, but none on the separate room thing.

Also totally agree with your last comment about how the tone of this thread is a bit disappointing, but hopefully it will be a bit more practical today! (Come on ladies, keep the emotive language to the AIBU forum and be nice to people here).

On the cats thing, I have been told its not an old wives tale - it is a real risk and we will therefore be investing in a cat net for the cot from day one, as no matter where LO sleeps, there are bound to be times when you are not in the same room as it (e.g. when going to the loo - post pregnancy constipation might keep me in a separate room for many minutes - and presumably that's still allowed??? )

Even if you're not co-sleeping, it's worth making your bed safe - better to accidentally fall asleep lying down in a safe bed than fall asleep on a sofa etc while desperately trying to stay awake.

JazzieJeff - funnily enough the hospital midwives when I gave birth were quite keen on co-sleeping, showed me how to do it safely, what position to lie in etc. And also assured me that mothers remain aware of their baby even when asleep, and you won't roll on them (unless drink/drugs are involved).

My word - this has turned into a bit of a touchy one hasn't it?

FWIW the FSID website states that the safest place for a baby to sleep is in your room, in their own bed. In fact, they appear to discourage co-sleeping. In their research section there are 8 fields of study - one of which relates to external factors such as location. The other seven are to do with abnormalities or genetic factors. The very definition of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is that it is unexplained. Otherwise the baby has died of something else.

I am a mother (of 3). All mine slept in our room for about a week and then moved into their own room. I found that worked best for me. They never worked themselves up into a state as (even though their rooms are on a different floor) I woke with the first real noise (as opposed to the first movement). We all slept better that way. And that was my choice.

I also found feeding in bed to be a messy business. I leaked everywhere - clean sheets every day.

I find this thread particularly horrid - I have a well used pair of judgy-pants but some of you have been rude and unnecessarily inflammatory. Might I quote the sids-network.org site?

'It is important that, since the causes of SIDS remain unknown, SIDS parents refrain from concluding that their child care practices may have caused their baby's death.

If I was a parent of a child who had died of SIDS I would be inferring from your responses that they had in fact died of neglect.

This is surely a perfect example of when a little information is dangerous.

Olivetti and JoEw
From someone who loved a routine and has a small bedroom, you really shouldnt start them off in their own room.

I too hate being preached too by anyone and didnt follow the 6 month rule but kept my DD with us until she was 3 months. I dont believe that putting them their own room before 6 months is 'cruel'. Its also advisable not to co-sleep when very tired as that has been proven to increase the risk of SIDS but plenty of women do this and I dont think that they consider it putting the baby in the car without a seat themildmanneredjanitor

I wasnt too worried about my DD hearing our breathing as even in the other room she can still hear DH's snoring

Here's a funny little cartoon from the wonderful Kate Evans just to lighten the mood.

www.thefoodoflove.org/breastfeed-in-your-sleep.htm

There is very little research on co-sleeping. What is known though, is that in countries where co-sleeping is the norm, such as Japan (babies and mums share bedrolls), SIDS is so rare that they don't really have a word for it.

What is dangerous is falling asleep while feeding on a chair or sofa. If you are bfing, then a shared bed is, IMO, a far safer place to feed during those sleep deprived early months.

It's difficult to imagine if you are a new mum but your sleeping habits will instinctively change (assuming no drugs or getting drunk) and you will naturally sleep in a C-shape, curled around your baby. You won't sleep as heavily, either.

For me this is an emotive subject becuse I think that too many mums have given up on bfing because of exhaustion when co-sleeping could have helped them manage the tiredness better. The pressure from some in the older generations towards separate rooms is, IMO, partly to blame for that.

The main thing is, though, to go into parenting with an open mind and don't beat yourself up trying to stick to a plan if it isn't working for you.

Very funny crikeybadger! Though luckily my ds only feeds once or twice a night now I don't trust my dp not to squash him though (he's a man who can sleep through the fire alarm) so I only feed on one side in the night.

Nicely drawn, nice sentiments. But perhaps now you'll understand my clean sheets comments...

yy to having things to hand. What worked well for us with ds was a sidecar arrangement - took one side off cot, pushed up next to my bed, with his mattress flush against mine (foam wedges under the sheet at the other side) - lying next to him, but plenty of room, and also room to change him when he was wee.

Many bf-d babies don't need burping, and dd just needed to be sat up for a second to get wind up, but ds was a bugger - wouldn't settle until he was burped, and then puked all of his last feed, more often than not. So my glorious peaceful dream didn't last! Sidecar was a winner for us, though, and I'd recommend it if you have space.

I'm amazed at the number of bf babies that don't need burping - I've never met one that doesn't need a jolly good belch. Amazed and jealous...

buttonmoon78 - a very sensible post.

Before I put this out there, let me just say that my DC have slept in our room (moses basket) until it became too small (very tall DH, very tall babies), which was well before the six months was up. So I was kind of a three month gal.

Hands up all those who have had experience with, or know of a family who have lost a baby to SIDS?

I know of three, which in perhaps my short 29 years is not very many. But it seems like a lot to me.

All three of these babies died during a daytime nap, when one would suppose their parents/carers were not present in the room. Because let's face it, we don't all sleep when the baby does.

So this is my question - how does having the baby in your room reduce the risk of SIDS when you aren't in it for them to hear you breathe? Babies do sleep during the day, perhaps more than they do at night if some are to be believed.

Thoughts?

christ, I just realised what I said. Excuse me, I have had two glasses of wine and am rendered insensible...

Regardless though, how are you supposed to decrease that particular risk of them not being able to hear you breathe, when unless you are attached to them at all times, it's just not feasible?

ps: am in a very different timezone to you all, so it is wine o'clock.

Hillee I was just about to thank you when I saw you're 2 glasses down already? It's not even lunchtime woman!

Knowing 3 families personally seems a lot to me too.

Without wishing to inflame things further, could someone point me in the direction of the research on babies that can hear people breathing are less likely to die? Google is strangely silent...

That cartoon is lovely :)

button - DS didn't burp, ever. He would however fart like a trouper about 5 minutes after a feed

I used a hammock hung from hook in the ceiling for DD - it was brilliant and takes up no space at all. I hung it right next to me in bed so I did't even have to get up when she woke - marvellous!

there are a few on the market, for example:
here
here

Oh & I kept towel/nappies/nappy bags/wipes etc all to hand so could do almost everything from bed - one of the wonder of BF if you can do it!

It was only the elusive burp that got us up - very jealous of all these non-burping babies. We had a rough 2 months with the burping - bouncy exercise ball very useful for that time - sitting cradling baby & gently bouncing without too much effort.

I'm with my ds for day time naps too - he's either in the pram, sling, bouncy chair etc.

The thing with the SIDS research is they can only show correlations - so we know babies who sleep in their parents room are less likely to die than those in their own room. Why this might be the case, for instance regulating their breathing by hearing others, or falling into a less deep sleep because they are aware of others nearby, are theories.

I don't think anyone should be berated for asking the question, and to be honest I don't really care where other people's babies sleep. But it is safer and probably easier (if breastfeeding) to keep your baby close to you. And on a personal level it seems more natural and kinder to me.