Do you have to have a new baby in your bedroom at the beginning?

[JoEW]

Maybe this is a really stupid question, but is it necessary to have your baby in with you in the early days or can they sleep in another room? As you can probably tell, this is my first. Our bedroom is really small and I was thinking it would be easier to go straight to having the cot in the spare room. Is it just a matter of it being easier to have your baby near when it's really tiny or shouldn't you leave them alone at night at first?

Also, we have a very large dappy dog who currently has is bed in our room and I was thinking it might be easier to just give the baby their own room straight away rather than having to train the dog not to come into our bedroom.

I hope this doesn't sound like I am putting the dog before our baby, not the case at all!

Any advice welcome.

Xavielli, have you heard these stories about cats sleeping on babies and suffocating them from people it has actually happened to? Because I have never heard a single story. And I just searched and could only find one case where it may possibly have happened, but it equally may have been SIDS.

I know a lot of people with cats and babies. The cats pretty much always steer well clear of them, on account of babies making weird noses.

Fair enough keep the cat out of the baby's room, but don't go spreading scare stories.

hilarious! a very simple question and people are getting all hot under the collar and making all sorts of judgements about the OP....

its YOUR choice. there are recommendations based on good evidence that having the baby in the same room as you can reduce the risk of SIDS, but so can keeping it the right tempertaure, avoiding tobacco smoke etc etc. there are practical advantages to having the baby near you esp. in the early weeks as already pointed out - feeding, for example.

I certainly don't intend to keep the baby in the same room as myself for the whole six months - and no, I'm neither cruel nor heartless. Once things are a bit more settled it will go into its cot in the nursery right next door to my room. I have to return to work once its eight months old and I need to know there's some sort of routine and it can settle away from me before this.

I would suggest keeping your options open, do a bit of research and don't be guilt-tripped into doing something that is not right for you by the histrionics of others (like the whole breast-feeding/formula feeding debate....its not just about the baby - you don't become obsolete once it arrives, you too need to be considered in the grander scale of things).

good luck!

hilarious! Someone who hasn't had a baby and is absolutely sure about what they're going to do

No, like I said 'horror stories' and I do realise that most of them aren't necessarily based in fact () - But the perceived risk is enough for me.

I'm glad your cats don't want to be anywhere near babies, I really hope mine are like that. I hardly think what I said can be thought of as spreading scare stories, just another example really of where people are willing to place the boundries.

Olivettie you are talking nonsense!
I can only hope that when your baby is actually born you will see things differently.

cats can cause a problem - one of mine was quite happy to get into DS moses basket (when he wasnt in it) and for that reason are now locked out of every child sleeping room. but you can get a mosquito net type thing if you were worried.

with regards to OP question - some times people come across as a little rude in there responses!! Im sure all mean well but just read everything and make up your own mind when your LO arrives!!

Lady Biscuit, do you think that when the baby is born, I will want her in a separate room then instead of in with me then? - I suppose I could change my mind, and I am not sure I will want her in with me for the whole 6 months, I guess as you say, I should wait and see - but my natural instinct is that I would want her close...

I just pointed out that no medical member of staff has told me that it would increase or decrease the risk or given me any leaflets which mention this - I thought it was preference, and thought it was a sensible question to ask....

I do think it's hilarious that most of the people saying they won't have the baby in with them don't even have the baby yet!

Just wait until you are so sleep-deprived that you can't bear to even sit up in bed never mind stagger into another room when your 4 day old cries in the night for the 20th time.

LOL at the idea of 'easily and quickly' getting to the baby in the other room at night.

That will get very old very fast as you stagger to the cot in the darkness and feed and burp and maybe change the baby and then, fully awake, return to your bed and try to get back to sleep, only to be awoken again about 90 minutes later, when you 'easily and quickly' make the return trip to the baby's room and repeat (x5 nightly maybe) the feeding, burping, etc. Over and over again for months.

The idea of putting the dog in the spare room and moving hell or high water to accommodate the baby in yours will begin to appear very attractive...

math I remember some of the delusions I laboured under during my first pregnancy. I think I had abandoned 99% of them before we got home from hospital

Samraves - I have no idea what you'll do but I can only say that it's probably best not to be too rigid about what you are and are not going to do and just go with the flow.

I am still co-sleeping and my DS is nearly 4. Now if you'd told me that when I was pregnant I would have told you that you were insane. And yet here I am :)

Olivetti, when you are the sleep deprived feeder of the baby, you make decisions that are right for you, and the rest of the family can sort themselves out.

The obvious solution to the sleep problem that suggests itself to most when the 'easily and quickly' approach turns out to be no such thing is baby in your room.

Alibabaa -- I also look back at my well laid plans and

You don't have to do anything, but most HPs would advise that you have your baby sleeping in the same room with you for at least the first 6 months, providing you are not a smoker. Reduces the chances of SIDS.

I had no.1 in with us for 7 months, and no.2 for nearly a year. I would have them in with me now (they are 5 yrs and 2 yrs) but DH isn't keen .

See how you feel, and bear in mind the SIDS thing.

I didn't think you were allowed to laugh at new mums' ideas on MN?

sits back and admires brood of 4 - me? I know nothing!

ok - you're probably all absolutely right - fancy the 'newbie' waiting for her first baby actually planning and hoping to do things a certain way, only to be shot down with patronising 'just you wait and see....' comments.

Not helpful, reassuring or useful.

So. I'm waiting for my first. So. I have a sort of idea of how I would like things to be. What's wrong with that?

I'll make sure I pop on here after its born and let you all know you were right after all and how silly of me to have even dreamed of thinking I could do things a certain way. Then you can all do the 'I told you so' and feel all peachy inside about being right.

I have ever said I would definitely do anything in particular... just that I assumed I would want her close to me - is that so rigid. I do resent that assumption slightly, as I am trying to remain as flexible but practical as I can - like I want to breast feed and will do my best but won't beat myself up if I can't. I'd like to get my baby into routines - but I can see that she is more than likely to just do things when she wants... In fact although I have many ideas about what ideally I want, I am also accepting of the fact I may be a zombie for quite a while and end up using dummies or all sorts....

I agree with rudbekia - the sids point has been clearly made as has the point that things may not turn out quite as they imagine.
I think all the patronising comments and "oh how I laugh when I think how naive I was" are totally unnecessary and would discourage other mums-to-be from asking questions.
Mumsnet should not only be for those people who have studied the research and have the arrogance to think that their way is the only way things can be done.
And yes I do have a child.

It's not patronising, necessarily. I nearly killed myself trying the cot in separate room thing with DD1. I wore myself ragged. ExH and I had discussed the separate room idea and we both agreed it had a lot to recommend it. The only little detail we hadn't taken into account was sleep deprivation; how it affects your daily functioning, your emotional state, your relationship, the quality of your sleep whenever you do manage to do some sleep in.

I wouldn't want anyone else to go through that.

The exhaustion and what that does to you are real and they are just about the most miserable things any human could experience. Don't think we are just having a laugh at someone else's expense. It's easy to look back and rue all the mistakes you made and crack joke, but the humour here is all very dark, as you will appreciate yourself.

And don't even think of coming back and saying 'I'm doing great and I told you so, so ner ner', because what you're seeing here is the distilled wisdom of people who have been to horrible places at the dead of night, and have come back to warn you.

Rudbekia - I could not have put it better! I came on this thread only really to give the OP a bit of support, on the basis that I have an open mind about what I'll do - I'm planning to start baby off in nursery, and move her in with us if that feels better. Cue comments along the lines of "I hope your baby survives....well...see the SIDS research..." Plus " you've never had a baby" blah blah blah. Nice.

SamRaves - I think you probably will want your baby with you. And I think that point of view is probably a lot more realistic than the people who think they will be happy with their baby in another room. Not just for emotional reasons (I couldn't bear to be separated from my baby for more than an hour), but because it's so much easier when you're feeding them in those first brutal weeks.

I was teasing rudbeckia, hence the wink. I had all sorts of plans and the only thing I regret about those first weeks was that I was determined to stick to what I planned rather than what felt right and nearly gave myself a nervous breakdown in the process. Once I started just going with my instincts, life became a lot nicer for everyone.

I wish you all the best of luck with your births :)

I don't think anyone laughed at OP and the tone only changed once Olivetti started telling people about balanceof risk and making silly remarks about leaving the house. No wonder poor OP vanished.

FWIW we put dd in her own room at about five weeks. She just never slept in her moses basket and the matress in her cot seemed so much more comfortable for her. I used to fall asleep in bed when feeding her and dh was petrified I would drop her out the side or we would squash her. He would wake me up to put her back in her moses basket and she would wake and we would start all over again. I bf for six months but found it easier to get up and feed her in a chair in her room. It meant she was back in bed asap and so seemed to sleep better. She did feed really quickly tho so didnt have to be up for hours at a time. Also re the folk that say you are bumping around in the dark I must have had many carrots as never found it a problem. SIDS did worry me but there were no other risk factors and I am still fanatical about room temp. She is now 18 mths and I am 8 weeks preg with no 2 and will prob do the same again next time. I know its not everyone's way but then with a new baby in the house you just have to find your own way. Believe me, someone will always disagree with your choice but I dont think that necessarily makes it wrong!! . [Whiteybaby ducks and braces herself for MN slaying]