Why do we potty train late?

[HappyHippo3]

I’d like to start this thread by saying I am in no way judging, I am genuinely just curious. I am FTM with no experience potty training, though I have been considering starting my 20 month old.

From my experience, there seems to be a big divide between the younger and older generations on the appropriate age to potty train. My friends think 20 months is too young, and I should wait until she is 2/3 and ‘ready’. My DGM says it was the norm to start babies on the potty at 6 months and they were dry by the time they were 1 year old. There was also an article recently that said around a of quarter children go to primary school un-potty trained.

My question is, what is the reason for this change over generations? What are the benefits of waiting until they are 2/3?

I also don't think training pants are used any more , we used training pants during the day and nappy pants that had just came out only at night .

I tried at 2 with my first and it took ages, and he was probably 4 or older until totally reliably "dry" (with only occasional accidents).
With my next two we tried for a bit but were much more child led. When they were ready they were both daytime dry in 2 weeks (and actually both went straight to toddler seat on the toilet). And night time dry pretty much stress free in 6 months.
Even though it was closer to 3 or even a little older.

Someone said the older generation (my mother's back 70s and earlier) had less convenient Nappies and fewer washing machines etc. so a big incentive to get it done earlier.

So everyone over 45 is traumatised by earlier potty training then? OK.

That's leaving aside the blatant ageism. Throughout history people have done what works for them in their circumstances.

With all mine I did it in the summer when they had turned 2. All done in a week with no nappies used, light easy to wash summer clothes and outdoor play.
The trained by they were 1 thing is selective/ untrue memory imo.

I tried at 22 months with one but no joy. Both mine were dry by 25 months, having worn cloth nappies. People often say how easy it was with their 3 year old because they were ready, but that was my experience at just turned 2 even though neither of them showed these magic signs we're meant to look for. I just did it because I thought they were old enough and it was convenient.

Because it's not actually training.

I'm one of those potty "trained" at 6 months babies. From what mum says I started fussing when needed to go (whether it was during or before is unclear) so they'd put me on the potty. That isn't training. That is regularly putting a baby on the potty , hoping for the best and still having soiled nappies.

It was done out of necessity, cloth nappies,time consuming,no washing machine etc. That need isn't there anymore so parents can wait and do actual training now.

The whole wait until they show readiness signs thing was pushed by a pediatrician sponsored by Pampers.

That's the starting point. Longer kids are in nappies the more sales for Pampers.

Children haven't changed. Neither of mine showed readiness signs. But both times I decided I was having a long weekend at home oldest was 2&4 mths youngest 2&9 mths. Both cracked it by the Sunday.

I do think that time plays a factor if you have time to put them, on the potty as soon as they can sit up it helps, they get the idea of where things are meant to go. I did this with oldest partly I had more time on my hands. And partly he didn't like pooing in a wet nappy, from about 6 mths you'd be doing 2 nappies one after the other if he needed a poo. So if I had time I'd sit him on the potty to try and catch the poo.

I haven’t read the thread but the answer is

1. disposable nappy companies make money the later you do it
2. training earlier requires a focused caregiver which a lot of young children don’t have (nursery care vs a stay at home parent - not being critical, just that there’s a difference in attention & focus in a group setting)

The same for me-

Children haven't changed over time. So the question is why are so many children turning up to nursery class still in nappies. Why are parents choosing to leave it to until the child is 3 rather than 2?

My eldest DSis was successfully potty trained at 15 months because my DM needed the reusable nappies for the next baby. DSis now mumbles that it was abuse, but I doubt she remembers anything about it. My second eldest was successfully potty trained at 18 months, again so the nappies could be used for the next sibling. I'm going to got ask DM how long I stayed in nappies as I have no younger siblings!

Who cares, really, whether it should be called training or timing? It's still fewer nappies to faff with.

My most articulate child was out of nappies early-ish, around 15 months, and I can date this by the photos of her broken arm (sigh), so it's not selective memory.

My nephew was trained/timed/terrified out of nappies around 7 months by his very scary Russian granny. I don't have the steely glare or the patience for that.

I did the same with my oldest lovely weekend in in June. Out in the garden zero stress, accident on grass who cares.
Unfortunately the summer weather was rotten when my youngest was 2 so ended up using a weekend in September. Moved the rugs out the way before we started.

It's because parents aren't home. My older 2 were dry in the day by 2. My 3rd is currently 25 months, and although a little behind I expect him to be dry in the day within weeks. He is taking the lead, I would have to actively prevent him from trying to use the toilet at this point.
Can't do that if mum and dad are both at work all day though.

It wasn’t for lack of trying - it took 18 months from first buying a potty / trying with DS and him being reliably dry. He wasn’t into it at 2.2, 2.4, 2.6, 2.10 or 3.2. Finally started entertaining the idea at about 3.5 and was reliable by 3.10.

was it hard work? Yes. Did it wreck the living room carpet? Also yes. But do I care now? No.

Same here. DS was almost 3, DD very slightly younger. ‘Training’ took a few days as they were ready. It was very straightforward.

A part of it is that disposable nappies are good at what they do - they wick away so their isn't the uncomfortable feeling. Older style reusable nappies didn't do this and even reusable nappies now have a uncomfortable feeling if completely flooded (which happens more with toddlers).

With DS1 we started trying at 21 months as we were a covid contact and had to stay in for 2 weeks. He did brilliantly the first day as it was new and fun. By day 3 he was holding til he got a nappy on and it risked ending in infection so we stopped. We had 2 more failed attempts with the exact repeat.
When he was ready at 2 years and 9 months he nailed it in 2 days no accidents at nursery etc. It was so much easier when he was ready!

With DS2 (he's 2) we are waiting til he shows he's ready rather then the stress of it again.

Because it sounded like a lot of work managing pottys and having accidents, constantly telling them, putting them on it constantly when they're not ready etc. I waited until they were ready and they did it in a day, both over 3. Didn't mind nappies. Why stress about it?
Same with food etc.. just give them what they like to eat, no stress

It’s not really being potty trained in my eyes if you can’t take yourself to the toilet. Which most 1 year olds can’t can they. So it’s a load of bollocks

This is interesting. So it points to a change in focus.

When my kids were young being toilet trained meant being able to ask to go to the toilet. I also remember asking my mum, she always came with me to help.

My DC's were dry at 18 months, and yes, I plonked them on the loo from an early age. But I also accompanied them for ages, I would not expect a child to be able to properly wipe until older without assistance, but they can certainly ask to go to the loo from about 18 months.

I once met a potty trained 17 month old. It was phenomenal! I honestly couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

I agree daycare is a big part of it.

DS is nearly 2 and I can tell he has the control and understanding to manage peeing on the toilet. We have a trainer seat and he will sometimes ask to use it (successfully), and will also generally pee on the toilet before bath.

But until he turns 2 he's in the 1-2yo room at nursery, where they don't really facilitate potty training. So we're not starting proper training yet. Once he does move room, I reckon it will be a few months before he feels comfortable with the new staff, so will probably be holding off training until he's getting on for 2.5y. Not ideal, but what can you do?

This is the best answer! SEND needs apart, as long as they are trained for school why does anyone give a shit? For what it’s worth, my boys were trained at what people deem late, both had turned three but it took about three days and they were dry at night from then too and was incredibly easy to do. My 6 year old has disabilities and is therefore currently only number two trained as that is all she understands and can control and wears nappies otherwise. I couldn’t give a toss what anyone else does with their child as I’m sure they are doing what’s right for their children as I did for mine.

@CaptainMyCaptain

You're the one who flung the word "trauma" in there, not me. Bizarre.

I think potty training has become something with morals attached to it, which is wrong IMO. Children who train early and with ease are seen as ‘good’ and those who struggle or take longer are subjected to highly critical comments, certainly on here at any rate. I don’t know whether it is because Oh Crap seems to have been firmly embraced as the go to potty training manual on here and the tone to that is supercilious and highly judgmental.

I don’t believe children did necessarily train early but I certainly believe they were in pants a lot earlier. There are societal and economic factors to that.

My own son is approaching four and isn’t reliable. It will come in time and we’re just being patient and letting him work it out. It certainly isn’t through lack of trying and it is a worry but without any other signs of SEN we just have to assume he’s finding it a bit trickier than many children do. But then that’s a pattern with children - some will ride a bike with ease and some won’t, some won’t struggle with the transition to school, some will and so on. I do find a lot of MN advice with regard to toilet training is insistent that Oh Crap is the only way. It isn’t, and furthermore the author isn’t an expert on toileting. If it works, great, but the tone is awful and that really doesn’t need to be used to parents of children with continence issues.

Tbh I think there is a slight resentment towards anyone picking the "easy" way out when it comes to parenting that covers many areas,including potty training.

My dc weren’t ready till age 5-6 !!! It was so hard , they were behind in multiple areas of development despite my best efforts. At one point the HV reported concerns that I was ‘infantalising’ the children and hindering their development as apparently I ‘liked babies ‘ !!!????

All 3 were later diagnosed with ASD which explained a lot of their difficulties but the parent blame was very hard rather than anyone wanting to assess them for any issues

Well, I'm grandmother age, and I waited til my children were able to say "I don't want to wear nappies any more" then said "Fine, here are some pants and there is the loo". Worked for me!

I think it was different in the days of handwashing and no central heating. Often changes in thinking are driven more by practicality than ideology.