arghhh! how long can this go on? (extended potty training support thread)

[babymutha]

OH KAY.......
I know that DD WILL LEARN TO GO TO THE TOILET at some point before her 18th birthday. But at the moment she's 3 and a half and I am washing out up to 6 pairs of poo encrusted pants and leggings a day some days. It's been over a year of potty training and it's just NOT GOOD.
I've tried all the recommended "stuff", but now my 'inner mother' is telling me to just be PATIENT. When she's ready she'll be ready and this is just her way.

So Please... come share your months/years of unspoken angst. Let us band together in an ongoing struggle for liberation from our offsprings' collective excretions and gain solace in knowing that NOT EVERY CHILD POTTY TRAINS IN A WEEK (or a month, or a year........)

Thanks for the welcome :)

I can tentatively report some success - only one accident at preschool today, and dry all the rest of the day! And he did his poo in the toilet at preschool, which is practically unheard of...

Oh Ali, that's great. Fingers crossed for you for tomorrow!

oh womb - big big hugs, really it sucks and really you are marvellous and have helped me OH SO VERY MUCH, I think I would have really bust a gut if I had another LO to look after. (you are amazing, give yourself some chocolate).

Have to admit that I did really chant (am a buddhist!! ha ha.....no really I am) and it did help me to calm down and focus and get things in perspective somewhat... as opposed to my v un-buddhist-losing-the-plot behaviour on several other occasions.

Alibaba - touching more wood for you.

and womb - am hoping v hard it is just a temporary set back like a tummy upset or something....

thanks Babymutha - really sweet of you. We've had a good day today - we were in the car and he managed to tell me in time for us to stop and ALL of the poo went in the porta-potty. Hurray! DS has been on some heavy duty antibiotics so I'm hoping the accidents have been related to that.

BTW I am actually trying some of the chanting thing - probably in a very rubbish way, but hey... I never did it until I tried it for birth prep for DD and I think it really helped me. Kind of my own hypnobirthing. Without the american accent But if it stops me from losing my cool even once it's gotta be worth it.

Womb - yay for poos in the potty!

Not such a good day here. Poo in the loo, but several pairs of wet pants and trousers.

womb - have sent you a little pm about chanting (as i think it's a bit off-topic!)
big hugs
x

there was a missing in that last post. apologies.

Hello fellows in potty training misery....

DS is 3.4yo and refuses point bank to sit on the potty or toilet. I am not forcing him in any way and leaving him to it. Pre-school are very good, take him to the toilet where he sits and pretends tries but nothing happends.

I wouldn't worry too much but he is a summer born baby and will need to go to shool in 10 months time. What do I do if he still refuses to try by then?
I should probably mention that neither threaths nor treats don't work with him, he is very sensitive and very resistant to change.

Oh Chris - welcome to the sad and rather smelly club! Big hugs. If he will sit on the loo at preschool (even if he won't actually DO anything yet) is there something about the potties/loo at home that are different? I'm guessing your preschool loos are little ones - might he feel insecure on a big loo or are the potties maybe too small? My DS is big for his age and potties (except his potette) have been a disaster. Stuff that seems to have helped (admittedly in a limited way):

• All poos are cleaned up in the toilet. This is a COMPLETE pain (standing up clean up is so annoying) but is to supposedly positively reinforce the behaviour we want.
• Poo goes to pooland. My HV said there's also a book called Poo Zoo which we might try. Lots of positive reinforcement - we've been doing the marble jar idea and* chocolate buttons.
• I do say that he makes me (and Mr Poo) happy if he sends him to pooland. HV said that (at DS's age - 3.2) there's nothing wrong with saying that it makes mummy sad if he does poos in his pants. No major guilt tripping but just a statement.
• DS has to help with the clean up. Even just going to get his clean pants.
• Make sure that he has a step to put his feet on when trying to poo on the loo - they need to be able to push down on something apparently. I've had very limited success with this but we are trying it.

Sorry if that's all old news or you've tried it all.

today DS started to poo but made it to the loo and did the biggest poo I've ever seen him do IN THE LOO! We are a million miles off sorting it but there is the tiniest chink of light...

Baby - thanks for the PM - will respond ref the chanting - gotta dash to do bedtime...

Thanks Womb.
We have all the possible gear at home, Thomas the tank engine loo seat and step, big potty and little potty. And a potty training book. But he won't go near any of those, no sireee!
I'll give him a bit more time but it was good to have a rant here - thanks.

Thanks Womb.
We have all the possible gear at home, Thomas the tank engine loo seat and step, big potty and little potty. And a potty training book. But he won't go near any of those, no sireee!
I'll give him a bit more time but it was good to have a rant here - thanks.

Sorry Chris - was hoping there was something you'd not tried. I kept hoping that when I spoke to the HV she'd say something and I'd go 'oh, really - not tried that' and that it would magically do the trick.

Feel free to rant away. I've got a suspicion we'll be here for a while. If I hear from one more parent that their DC was dry/clean within a couple of days and did it all on their own, I swear I will take a pair of poo-pants and... Well, you get the picture.

Chris your house sounds like ours - visitors get sent upstairs to the bathroom now because the downstairs loo is an impenetrable zone of Thomas the Tank Engine themed toilet kit for DS1

Womb - that is a good step forward! One of the things that was a tipping point with DS1 was when he realised how much cleaner, tidier etc it was to do a poo in the toilet. Of course that could only be achieved once he had done it a few times! You will get there.

We had a reasonable day today. No major accidents but several dribbles in pants. Sometimes it is that he doesn't get there in time, but mostly it is him thinking 'ooh, I do need to go but I just want to finish building this Lego/eating my dinner/watching Mike the Knight before I go to the loo'. It drives me mad, and I do really lose my temper with him about it. Which then makes me :( and feel horribly guilty - which I know he picks up on and I am 100% sure that it doesn't help.

Weirdly, we do better when we are out - like we were today. It is in familiar environments, so home and pre-school, that the problems occur.
Although he did get really upset when I took him to the loo instead of DH, because he didn't want to use the ladies, he wanted to use the gents. Why the hell can he read before he can pee in the toilet reliably!!!!

Ah, it appears I am not actually as alone as I thought. I just created a new post asking for inspiration but in fact maybe we are just in the in it for the long haul camp.
Does anyone know of a weeing equivalent of the sainted poo goes to pooland? All the books I can find involve potties and we are at least on the toilet, if consistently late arriving. I have not the skill or the patience to dream up one of my own and dd does not appreciated home made offerings.
It is good to know I am not alone as I really did think I was.

Hi Lolly - pull up a chair. Big hugs. My HV was a good source of alternative books - or maybe ask at the local library?

I read your other thread. DS lost interest in stickers pretty quickly too. I'm using a marble jar - when the jar is full (I'm using a small one for obvious reasons!!!) then he'll get a treat. Will probably be a day out somewhere cheap or being able to pick a book at the bookshop. Also it's allowed me to flex how many marbles he gets per poo (our problem) based on how 'good' he's been. Like today he took himself off to the loo and did the poo all by himself. This is amazing. So he got three marbles. He also got three for going on a train (ghastly but essential!) even though he did do a little bit of poo in his pants.

hi all - not been online for a while, apologies. for dd the only incentive that worked was TV, which meant cold turkey on all TV apart from after sending Mr Poo to pooland - it was a difficult transition (to say the least) with interesting side effects (more independent play and improved behaviour!) Anyway - had poo pants this eve but believe that's because she really IS constipated this time.
Have taken the plunge on nappies at night time and thoroughly expect to be washing bed linen for a long long time to come.

I am in the unique club of long term potty trainers - my ds - he doesn't seem to care if he is wet or dirty. I am really hoping that this clicks soon. Is there anyone who has "been there and solved"?

Hello Teddy. I've posted on this thread and others. We have lived through 11 months of "training" and survived. Although did have a pair of wet pants today. It took DD almost 10 months to be consistently dry(ish). She was good for weeks and then would regress again. This pattern just continued. It drove me demented. It is utterly hellish but I'm amazed how quickly even I have forgotten how hellish it is! I think, ironically, I started too late with DD. She is 4 in Feb. Nothing I did worked with her. Rewards via nursery worked and when they stopped she regressed so we went complete cold turkey on treats for 2 weeks and that seemed to make something click. DD also became less wet at night at that point which may have something to do with it. You have my sympathies, but it will pass. I suspect it doesn't feel like so just carry on carrying loads of changes and it really is okay to lose it every now and then .

Oh thank goodness I'm not the only one!

My DD2 (3.5) won't even sit on the potty. She's terrified of letting go of her wee and screams for her nappy to be put back on.

In nursery, she'll wear knickers but hold it in -so its not a control issue. She my 4th child but the others were a breeze.

Any thoughts/advice welcome.

john - hello, welcome to the group - you are NOT the only one by a long way. Have you tried the story angle? I can't believe the difference it makes with my DD of the same age (see the poo goes to pooland stuff earlier in the thread). Otherwise could you live with her nappy back on until she's no longer terrified and try it again when she feels more relaxed about the whole thing?
The other thing you may want to rule out is that it's not a urine infection...

Just to report on things here - we've had some poo/wee issues over christmas (like going for 6 days without a poo!!!) but I think a lot of it was change in routine/food and illness.

However, having had a few months of success both I and DH are now much more chilled out about the whole thing which seems to make a big old difference to DD (now 4).

Good luck all - may the force (of nature) be with you as soupmaker says - it will pass, but I do remember how it feels to think it isn't EVER going to...

oh - and night time training was an unmitigated disaster. Nappies are back on.

Am totally at the end if the end of my tether. Just sent two hours trying to get DS1 to do a poo. He is leaking (smudges we call it) so there is a stuck poo in there. He is 4 in Feb. Am going to put him back in pull ups and up the laxititive. He is fine with wees. We have tried stickers, presents, lots of praise etc but nothing us working. Am going to see the GP next week. Ended up shouting at him and now feel terrible. I think my lack of consistency is part if the problem. Am going to speak to daycare and school and explain he is back in pull ups until we get it sorted. Just hope it doesn't lead to a wee regression.

hi all. feeding dd so sorry for typing.

wips - you poor thing. Hope it goes okay with the GP. It's heartbreaking, isn't it - especially when you know they need to go. Give yourself a hug. I've found getting just a few mins a day for me to chill has been ESSENTIAL to stop me from losing it (and then feeling massively guilty for it).

John have you tried her squatting over the nappy to do her wee - then once she's done that a few times, moving it onto the potty? My childminder's DD was similar about wees. Sorry if you've already tried.

DS is doing really well on poos and we seem to be pretty much there . It's taken five months. praying he doesn't have a regression. He's actually pooing normally again now (he poos two or three times a day) so seems to have stopped with-holding. I had never thought that it would be this hard. Not even thought about night time training. DS's nappies are still very wet in the morning so will leave it a few months.

may I second the hugs from womb wips I know how it feels.... DD is still doing 'smudges' on some days but now more often than not she is pooing (with alarming irregularity, 3 or 4 days apart).
I am constantly trying to get her to drink more, we are cuddling about it a lot and keeping up the 'poo' stories but some days she's just too busy or anxious or ..... who knows?.... to want to sit down on the potty for long enough (the loo is just not working for us again) and let the poo out. [goes off to chant for patience]