Major baby blues. Day 8 & struggling

[Goawaybabyblues]

I gave birth to DD 8 days ago. My birth wasn't traumatic as such, but it didn't go to plan in any way and I am somewhat traumatised by the experience. Although appreciate a lot of people probably are and I'm lucky to have avoided more serious intervention.

We had to stay in for a couple of days and my hospital experience was horrible. We were in a side room so forgotten about and I had no help with breastfeeding despite asking repeatedly. A midwife barked at me that I needed to be feeding 8 times in 24 hours but didn't help me latch. And another when asked for help grabbed my boob and latched DD but didn't help me learn to do it myself. My supply didn't come in properly and I found the whole thing so stressful. I've since been to a clinic in the community and had lactation consultants come out so we've had good support since, but I'm now just pumping a bit and mostly feeding formula as my supply is next to nothing. I'm ready to stop for my own sanity but feel horribly guilty.

On day 3 the baby blues came along. My sister had prewarned me but nothing prepared me for how unbelievably awful I would feel. It's almost like a physical darkness washing over, like someone has died. I feel horrendous, i cry hysterically or just feel like the world is ending. It comes along at around 3pm and peaks at 5, then hangs around until we go to sleep. I feel like I can't cope, worry about my husband and Mum dying. About a million and one things with the baby. And just feel like there's no joy left in the world. It is stopping me enjoying what should be such an amazing time.

I'm almost scared of the evening. And I associate certain lighting with the feeling. So when the curtains shut i start to feel panic as I know it's coming.

I've noticed improvement without a doubt. In fact I imagine from the outside looking in there's been a huge improvement. My window of baby blues is a lot smaller now and I can sometimes cheer myself up and through it. I'd like to think that it will go between 10 and 14 days as people say, as it came on day 3 but it's hard to imagine right now.

I felt truly horrendous in the first trimester too so assume I'm somewhat sensitive to hormonal changes. That left right at 12 weeks too, which gives me hope.

During the night I'm happiest. I love looking after DD and how lucid and cute she is. I get sleep in between feeds and feel completely normal.

But when I wake there's no telling if I'll have a good morning and awful afternoon or sad morning too. It's making me wish the days away.

I've heard the baby blues can last from a few days to weeks, but am just looking for anyone going through the same or who had it like this. How long does it last? Does it just go away abruptly like it came? I feel as though I'll never be happy again at the moment

Thanks for the kind words @AnonEvent @nobutreally. DD had gained some weight so I made it through a midwife visit without crying today, small victories! I know it will all become less relentless, I just hope that comes sooner rather than later so I can get to enjoy rather than just endure her.

Yay weight gain from the tike and no tears from you - it's been a good day. Now, have some cake and get to bed ;-)

I know this is going to sound a LONG way off, but I can remember my son smiling for the first time and realising that suddenly, he was properly able to 'give back' if you know what I mean - I hadn't processed how much I was giving, giving, giving without an emotional return until that point:....

Congratulations!

These early days are so hard. My DD2 is 29 days and I have had days where I just can't cope. I had PND with my other two, but this is my only winter baby and I definitely feel the darkness and weather has made it worse this time. I am having some health issues from the birth too and I just feel broken by it. Anxiety is sky high.

Can totally relate to the birth flashbacks. This one was my worst - all three were induced but this was at 37 weeks and she just wasn't ready, it took four days and so much went wrong. I had a really low point on her due date (17 days old) and was utterly consumed by everything that happened. To add insult to (literal) injury the induction turned out to be unnecessary (concerns about the placenta and her growth but all was fine!) so all I could think about on her due date was how she should still be inside and how much better it could have been. Even though of course I am glad she is here now.

They are totally worth it but that doesn't mean we can't be sad too. I am seeing my GP next week.

I am so angry for you about the lack of feeding support. I had similar with DD1, I kept mix feeding for 8 months but I do feel with support it could've gone much smoother (it did with DS). Keep feeding only if you want to

Also what I've realised this time is that this doesn't ruin the early days. I know with my other two I felt horrendously guilty for feeling sad, like I'd failed. I fought against it, denied it. Honestly it made it worse.

I had some therapy a few years ago (long after my second was born) that taught me to accept my negative feelings rather than fighting them. It has helped untold.

I realised this time around that I was worrying that baby blues meant I'd failed at keeping these days sacred and perfect. But they don't have to be 100% positive in order to be great.

What I mean is, it's absolutely ok to feel like this, it's shit, but it doesn't take away from the good stuff. What you said about night time, how she is lucid and cute - that's lovely. The sadness does not negate that. You've still got your beautiful little girl who will fill you with wonder.

It is ok and totally normal to feel completely horrible while also feeling totally in love with your baby. One doesn't negate the other.

But that also doesn't mean you shouldn't see a GP if it does stay.

Sorry for the waffling I am not sure I'm making any sense tonight!

Wow, I don't think I've ever read a post on MN that I identify with so much! I was the same with DC1 right down to the evening fear and just wanting to know it wouldn't be like this forever. I remember googling it for other people's experiences and I think that's how I came to MN. It's very normal to feel this way and it will get better.

So for me I felt pretty much normal by 8 weeks - I know that sounds endless but it goes by quickly really. By then I had mentally adjusted to my new normal, had recovered from the birth mostly and could start leaving the house more easily.

Hang in there and talk to your HV or GP if you think you need a bit more help, loads of people do. For what it's worth, I prepared for it to happen again with DC2 but only had a few evenings where I thought it was coming but it never did!

Goawaybabyblues: just checking in to see how you're feeling. Hope you've had a reasonable couple of days and the feeding is settling down a bit.

Hi OP. Really sorry to hear how you’re feeling. I had a similar experience. DD was very unwell when born and had a traumatic birth and she was in hospital for 2 weeks so I understand how it feels to not have your birth experience go to plan. Likewise, got no breastfeeding support and my baby was going 9 hours without feeding as I couldn’t latch her on.

I felt so, so, so low from about day 3 to 20. I would lay down on my bed and literally not be able to move to do anything. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t smile. I literally remember the first time I smiled properly being about 3 weeks after she was born. I felt like I wasn’t bonding with her. It was the worst I have ever felt and I had serious doubts about whether having a baby was the right thing.

And then at about 2.5 weeks, things started to change. I started to feel less numb, started to enjoy my daughter and the world seemed a little more hopeful. It continued to improve and I would say after 4 weeks I felt normal and was actually enjoying and even thriving in parenthood.

You are not alone. Seek support from those close to you and if you don’t feel better please talk to HV or GP. There is a fine line between baby blues and PND and whilst it’s really encouraging that you’re starting to feel better, be alert and make sure you look after yourself.

Just try and go hour to hour for now and enjoy the bits you can. You’re doing great ❤️

Also when you look back on these difficult days, in only a few months, they'll feel blissful and perfect. For me it feels like I'm remembering someone else's difficult times.

And that's how they trick you into having more than one! ❤️

Thanks so much for the support and for checking in.

Yesterday was a better day. I went out in the morning and laughed, felt like my normal self. At 3pm it came over me and I tried to breathe through it, on the whole managing to without having any breakdowns but it took all my energy.

I had skin to skin in the evening and it worked incredibly. I felt so connected to her and found myself thinking about all the fun things we will do together in future.

I stopped pumping and giving what tiny milk I was and have been formula feeding exclusively for two days. The relief is high and guilt is fading as I hear more how many people struggle.

However the baby has been asking for food every hour - 2 hours at night and whilst I was fine on night 1, I was broken again today.

I have been talking a lot to my family who have been so good, so was quick to let them know yesterday was a better day. But today was pretty bad and it makes me feel like I'm letting everyone down.

We got up early and went for a walk but I found myself feeling irritated almost by the baby. I know how mean that sounds but she's been on me constantly and I just wished it could be me and my husband going for a walk like before. I sobbed on a bench on the pier and just tried to explain it all.

3pm came and went, the smothering feeling and anxiety hasn't come yet. It's day 10 so maybe the baby blues are going but what scares me to death is the way I feel. I thought I would go from feeling blue to happy again but instead I'm numb. Indifferent. Sad. I don't enjoy doing the things I normally do so I'm not really passing time, just existing. These 10 days have felt like 2 months.

I know writing this down that clearly they haven't gone entirely. That it's a process and I should be happy things are slowly improving but I just so want to feel like myself again.

I just said to my husband that the way I'd describe it is, someone coming to the house and saying here's a list of things for you to do. It could be 24 hour, relentless and hard but completing those tasks wouldn't make me feel like this in-between. I'm fine with the new responsibilities, I just don't want to feel so utterly depressed in-between.

Having a bath and am going to read and reply to the new messages. Hope you're all having a better day and things are improving X

@Blahblahblahzeeblah that's such good news. It sounds as though you had a similar hospital experience, such a rubbish way to start such a challenging thing. I'm glad you're feeling so much better now!

@Sarahh2014 so sorry to hear you went through that. I am keeping an eye on it and would definitely get help if it doesn't go away x

@nobutreally that's what has shocked me, the sheer intensity. It's almost like a physical force.

I am finding talking is the only thing helping me cope. My husband has been amazing, as have my mum and sister. I feel like I'm bringing everyone down at a time when they just want to feel happy but I know they understand.

I started writing the good points from each day in notes on my phone. Just to try and focus on them. We did skin to skin last night and it really helped, so thank you for that suggestion X

@BeeFace haha . There are some truly lovely moments, I just hate how disproportionate they feel to sadness at the moment. I want to laugh again all the time and feel the way I did just the day before labour. I'm writing down the good moments in notes on my phone to try and focus on them.

I stopped breastfeeding completely a couple of days ago and the relief is huge. I think this will have a positive effect on my mood because there was so much pressure and disappointment each day. X

@SaturdaySauv it's a horrible feeling isn't it? We've stopped now and the relief is massive. She looks into my eyes whilst feeding and despite breastfeeding not working out for us, it is one of the times I feel closest to her.

Thank you X

@AnonEvent I've read your message over and over because it's so similar to what I've experienced. Knowing that and that it got so much better for you makes me feel so relieved.

I am terrified of my husband going back to work on Tuesday but then equally am wondering if it will help. I'm an introverted person and when heavily pregnant had no problem curling up in bed with some rubbish tv & the Internet on my phone.

I haven't done anything like that since having her. When he's off we would typically be doing stuff together and it almost highlights the fact we're not.

I also haven't been alone to just cry or feel it on my own. I'm wondering what difference that would make.

@WhatevaPeeps That must have been stressful . I totally agree though, I hope with time I don't feel so rubbish about it. Hearing how many people struggle though is helping just because I know I'm not alone in having tried but it not work out. I sympathise so much and wish there wasn't such pressure.

I've been doing this, we've had good weather for 2 days and it's made a huge difference. Wet miserable days feel awful, so I'm making the most of it whilst I can and it really helps X

@AccrualIntentions so sorry to hear you're going through this too. It sounds so similar . Really hoping things start to improve for you X

Oh love, I felt EXACTLY the same - shell shocked and then unsupportive postnatal care

DS was two this week and the day before/day of his birthday I STILL felt panicky and anxious and got flashbacks. But the rest of the time, it's brilliant and I barely think about his birth/postnatal stay.

Get as much sleep as you can and as you're formula feeding, get your partner to do shifts with you so you both get a decent block of sleep. I know he's going back to work soon but unless he's actually performing brain surgery every day at 7am he can manage on a bit less sleep my mental health was massively improved by knowing that I could switch off for a bit and rest uninterrupted knowing Dh was in charge.

It will get better - I distinctly remember wishing I could give DS back on about day 11. It's normal and ok to feel completely bloody overwhelmed!

Xx

@nobutreally @AccrualIntentions I can't wait until that time, I think it'll help so much.

Also - get out of the house every day. Even if it's to the corner shop and back. Get some good box sets/trashy daytime tv on the go for the rest of the time, get plenty of food that can be eaten one-handed in, and relax as much as you can

@Cagliostro that's awful I'm so sorry you had to go through that and for no good reason. It's so difficult to not think about it especially when it's obviously had a part in kick starting the way we're feeling.

The birth injuries totally bring me down too. I feel so frustrated with it all.

I stopped feeding two days ago and have to admit it has improved things. I'm unhappy but very relieved.

I hope your GP visit goes well and things improve X

...before you know it you'll be watching fecking CBeebies 24/7 so now is the time to curl up with your baby and watch something decent!

@Cagliostro not waffling, that makes perfect sense. I've really felt that way, like I'm tainting and ruining a really important time. But you're right. I hope it'll be a distant memory one day.

@WineCheeseSleep it's so good to hear that in a way because I've honestly wondered what was happening to me! And google makes it seem like anything other than a few tears is automatic PND. Mumsnet has been brilliant, I would definitely say this thread has been a big factor in me feeling the bit better I do.

It's so good to hear it got better for you and that it didn't come back! I'm so terrified this could happen again, outside of children even. It's just so scary how something so strong can take over.

@mummarosie1 thank you for your story, it sounds so similar and I can relate so much to the overwhelming feeling of not being able to even smile or move.

It's so good to hear it cleared for you in that time, I am really hoping it will do for me too and am trying to focus on the little things. It's so hard though, I can't wait to feel as you described where I'm enjoying it all X