Major baby blues. Day 8 & struggling

[Goawaybabyblues]

I gave birth to DD 8 days ago. My birth wasn't traumatic as such, but it didn't go to plan in any way and I am somewhat traumatised by the experience. Although appreciate a lot of people probably are and I'm lucky to have avoided more serious intervention.

We had to stay in for a couple of days and my hospital experience was horrible. We were in a side room so forgotten about and I had no help with breastfeeding despite asking repeatedly. A midwife barked at me that I needed to be feeding 8 times in 24 hours but didn't help me latch. And another when asked for help grabbed my boob and latched DD but didn't help me learn to do it myself. My supply didn't come in properly and I found the whole thing so stressful. I've since been to a clinic in the community and had lactation consultants come out so we've had good support since, but I'm now just pumping a bit and mostly feeding formula as my supply is next to nothing. I'm ready to stop for my own sanity but feel horribly guilty.

On day 3 the baby blues came along. My sister had prewarned me but nothing prepared me for how unbelievably awful I would feel. It's almost like a physical darkness washing over, like someone has died. I feel horrendous, i cry hysterically or just feel like the world is ending. It comes along at around 3pm and peaks at 5, then hangs around until we go to sleep. I feel like I can't cope, worry about my husband and Mum dying. About a million and one things with the baby. And just feel like there's no joy left in the world. It is stopping me enjoying what should be such an amazing time.

I'm almost scared of the evening. And I associate certain lighting with the feeling. So when the curtains shut i start to feel panic as I know it's coming.

I've noticed improvement without a doubt. In fact I imagine from the outside looking in there's been a huge improvement. My window of baby blues is a lot smaller now and I can sometimes cheer myself up and through it. I'd like to think that it will go between 10 and 14 days as people say, as it came on day 3 but it's hard to imagine right now.

I felt truly horrendous in the first trimester too so assume I'm somewhat sensitive to hormonal changes. That left right at 12 weeks too, which gives me hope.

During the night I'm happiest. I love looking after DD and how lucid and cute she is. I get sleep in between feeds and feel completely normal.

But when I wake there's no telling if I'll have a good morning and awful afternoon or sad morning too. It's making me wish the days away.

I've heard the baby blues can last from a few days to weeks, but am just looking for anyone going through the same or who had it like this. How long does it last? Does it just go away abruptly like it came? I feel as though I'll never be happy again at the moment

OP you are most certainly not alone I was predisposed to get PND as I had perinatal anxiety and a history of it in my 20s so I knew having a baby may ignite it again, and it did. But I had really good Mental Health support so I'm out the other side - DS is 14 months old and I'm back at work, some days are better than others in terms of anxiety but it does get easier, truly it does.

We adapt as mothers and what feels insurmountable right now will feel like a piece of cake in a few weeks. I remember standing over my DS when he was a few days old, after having a section, and not knowing how to change his nappy - or more to the point, was I hurting him when changing it? Should I be lifting his legs like this or that? It was a really unnerving time. I was lucky in that my DP already had experienced the baby stage with my DSS so I could rely on his knowledge a bit, but even still, I felt guilty for not knowing myself more.

Come talk to us whenever you need, I promise you there will be some of us (if not most) who have experienced in some way how you are feeling

My DS is 3 months but I also remember this feeling very well. It passed by about 6/7 weeks though... I was worried I would always feel like that, but it faded.

I couldn’t sleep in the start as my “bad time” was about 2-3 in the morning when I felt super alone and worried about DS dying in his sleep... I was so anxious about everything to do with DS and I spent a lot of hours googling a ton of things instead of sleeping...

We also had a fairly traumatic birth and I’ve booked a conversation with a midwife to talk it through as I want to be able to understand it properly. Maybe this would help you?

to you. It does shift eventually

OP you’re not alone.

I’m so sorry that you got shit ‘support’ at the hospital with breastfeeding. I did as well, I couldn’t access community suooort, my midwive wasn’t allowed to touch my breast to help me correct me ‘awful’ latch. Apparently. Subsequently DS lost a massive amount of weight and I nearly drove myself batty trying to express. He’s on formula now, he’s thriving and I have my mental health back. For me, that outweighs the guilt for putting him on formula.

I can clearly remember, about day 4/5, sobbing on the sofa about how I didn’t love DS. With his dad between my knees just repeating over and over that it was going to be alright. Mornings were the worst for me.

But it does pass. It’s temporary. I found doing skin to skin with my DS was really important. The feeling of his tiny body on mine. I think it must have released some happy hormones as my mood was lighter for a few hours after.

You won’t always feel like this xx

@SaturdaySauv thank you for writing, I have been so anxious too. It's overwhelming. I'm going to keep talking about it, my midwife isn't great but have the health visitor coming on Tuesday and I'm going to mention it. X

@Cakescakescakes Totally! Ironically I love this time of year and it even features in DD's name, but I'm finding it so suffocating. We get so little daylight it's miserable and compounding everything.

@SaturdaySauv completely agree. During labour and for 2 days after she was born I literally didn't sleep. I've never done a stretch that long awake in my life and it without a doubt had a huge effect.

Whilst struggling to breastfeed she gets so angry, she can't get enough milk so is hungry and frustrated and it makes everything so much worse. Now we are feeding formula she is at least content and gaining weight again, as you say we can share the feeds and it takes some of the pressure off.

@londonloves it sounds so similar to how I've been feeling, I'm sorry you had to endure all that! But great that things have improved so much.

You're so right. A lactation lady said that to me yesterday and I almost laughed. It just feels so far from how I'm feeling currently and such a cliche.

@daimbar it's so horrible isn't it? Thank you, it's great to hear it did lift for you and quite quickly. I'm looking forward to that happening! I am going to speak to the health visitor though anyway just so I can talk to her if it doesn't. X

@WhatevaPeeps you've described perfectly how I feel. It's horrendous but hearing other people say it back to me makes me feel like I'm not losing my mind or the first person to feel this way. The time of year is definitely not helping.

Thank you X

@ButtMuncher I'm sorry you had to go through that but it sounds as though you've made such amazing progress.

There's so much to learn that you're not taught. I feel terrified of anything changing as I won't know how to settle her or do it.

Thank you X

@Gierg thank you, it's so good to hear it cleared for you too.

That's a good idea. I feel almost like I should be grateful for how it went (despite it being bad). In hospital i pressed the buzzer as on the other ward I was told to do that and asked for some pain relief for my stitches. It had been about 2 hours since I transferred from delivery. The midwife told me the buzzer was for emergencies and that as I had a normal delivery I could walk to the desk and ask. So no pain relief and me crying as at that point, I couldn't walk.

In some ways I never want to think about it again, but I know talking helps so thought about writing it all down maybe. Thanks for your message x

@BeeFace it's awful isn't it? I feel exactly the same, I know I'll feel so much better when I let go of the idea and acknowledge that my mental health is paramount. The guilt is fading the more people I speak to and realise how hard it is. But also how a shaky start can hinder things.

I've had a very similar moment. It's awful but so good to hear things passed.

Thank you, I'm going to do more of that. Seems logical it would have a good effect on hormones and would be nice for us both x

Hello.
I just wanted to write and say that you are not alone. It is completely normal to feel this way.
I had a traumatic birth and found the birth reflections service really helped.
I hope you feel better soon....just take one day at a time and enjoy the snuggles xxx

Thank you to everyone who has written back and shared their stories. It's so reassuring - it's helping me feel there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Today is the first day where I've woken up and acknowledged that it's going to happen again. It won't have magically disappeared.

DD was up every hour last night and I'm shattered but going to get a coffee outside the house and have my mum coming over later. Hoping today is slightly better than the last but last knowing it's outside my control.

My twins are now 12 weeks and reading your post has reminded me of how far I've come. I had terrible PND afyer my first child and spent most of this pregnancy terrified of it returning.
They were slightly premature and struggled to BF. Like you we were plonked in a side room with no assistance. By day 3 I was begging to be discharged so I could get home and have my husband with me to help.
I dreaded every night, i was terrified of sids, of not sleeping, etc. My mood was so slow as soon as the evening set in. I was sure I must be depressed again. I've just realised now that the sadness has gone and has been gone for several weeks. I feel completely fine.

I had pnd with my now nearly 4 yr old ds..If you think you do have this make sure u see a gp..I felt like couldn't cope and that I didn't want to live I totally resented my son and cried everytime he woke up several times a night.i didn't bond with him properly in first year something I can never get back.im so sorry u feeling like this but it should pass in time.i got anti depressants from gp which helped

Oh OP

As everyone else has said, please know that it's OK (and totally normal) to be feeling overwhelmed - I so vividly remember being out in the garden, hanging out the washing which I love to do (lovely sunny day) when ds was 4 days old, and suddenly being hit with this feeling of absolute sadness - and for me - also rage, just at the unfairness of it all. He's 13 now, and the memories of the strength of that feeling has never left me, although for me personally the blues was relatively short lived (week/10 days iirc).

I wanted to say two things:

1. I've been lucky enough to work (a little) alongside perinatal health practitioners, and lots of women who've experienced perinatal heath challenges and the one, key thing they ALL say is 'keep talking' - to anyone you can! So many women talked about bottling up their feelings (as they felt so bad about feeling this way when they 'should' be happy) and missed out on so much support. You sound like you have a wonderful family around you, and unlike lots and lots of women you are acknowledging these feelings and letting people know where you are. I can't tell you how unusual that is, and how important. They can and will help and support you and you will get through this. And MN are always here if you need us.

1. A really little thing - but your comment about the middle of the night really resonated with me. One thing that helped me, was to capture those moments that WERE good - as others have said, 80%+ of having a small baby is simply not that much fun - they poo; vomit; scream; fight being dressed/undressed/fed/changed/bathed etc etc! It's simply not possible to 'enjoy every moment' of having a furious baby flailing and screaming whilst trying to remove vomit covered clothing. BUT when those moments that are 'right' do come, capture them. Like you - I really loved those night moment - and have a lovely memory of being awake with ds one night when the world was all asleep. He was feeding quietly and I had a moment of 'I can do this!' I really focus on it. Skin-toskin when he was full of milk and asleep (I like sleeping babies best...) was also really special. Having a few of those in the bank really helped me (slowly) to reset the balance.

Keep talking OP. You will get through these darker days. I like what nobutreally says. Those little moments. The little light bits. The way that when I picked him up his legs would go into a froggy shape. That he wee’d in the health visitors pencil case. The way his tiny body fitted in between my boobs and he snuggled in and slept.

Regarding the feeding thing. Do what is best for the both of you. For some people breastfeeding is hard. DS wouldn’t swallow. He would suckle but never swallowed. My nipples just didn’t get to the right spot in his mouth to allow him to get the milk out. But fuck me the relief when he stated putting weight back on after starting formula was immense x

Can also relate to you talking about your little one getting angry with breast feeding. My DD did too. I felt it was my fault she hated it so much as she would scream and scream st my attempts to BF her. In retrospect I think she probably had pulled a muscle in her neck during delivery or something and hated being in that position. But it felt quite personal at the time. She now is a total mummies girl (nearly 2) and we have a very strong bond despite BF not working out for us.

You're doing so well. I think having a new born baby is mainly about keeping going. Getting through each day is an achievement in itself and there should be no pressure to do anything other than just about manage. That's not to say that you shouldn't ask for help and support and acknowledge how tough it is- just that it can be helpful to take pressure off yourself by having no other expectations of yourself.

I remember asking my sister what I could do to 'be a good mum' in the early weeks of DDs life. Her advice- pub lunches, fresh air, baths to myself with others holding the baby. Basically she was saying to look after myself and my baby would be fine.

It does get so much easier. It's such early days. Keep talking to people, be kind to yourself and ride out the fears/anxiety. Acknowledge what you're frightened of- say it out loud and in time it'll lose its grip on you.

I felt exactly the same OP!

I had a traumatic birth, DD didn't latch well, I migrated to formula feeding at two weeks after haphazardly trying to express and breastfeed, all the while DD lost weight.

Formula feeding worked really well for us. I felt terrible about it, I'd always imagined I'd breastfeed, but at that time, I needed normality, structure to my days and time to physically recover.

On day 10 I wondered if DH and I would actually have to die to send DD to an orphanage - it felt relentless like I'd utterly changed our lives, forever, and there was no escape.

When DH went back to work at 14 days, I cried the whole of day 1 and begged him not to go back to work on day 2 (he worked from home on day 2 which really helped).

4pm was the worst for me, getting dark, about two hours before DH would be home. Tired from the day. All I wanted was DH home and to hand the baby over and just stop and rest for 10 minutes.

It got so much better, and so fast. By the end of week 3 or 4 DD and I had fallen into a routine of sorts, we started getting along quite nicely together. I could better-anticipate her needs, she cried less, we got out and about more. There was one week when I actually resented the weekend approaching because DD and I had such a nice, finely tuned routine that DH would spoil it.

DD is now 13 months. I'm back at work, she's in nursery 4 days a week. She is a wonderful kid, she's bright, confident and hilarious.

I’ve also seen some women driving themselves into despair trying to breastfeed and for whatever reason it just isn’t happening. I figure some babies are just easier to get this than others (dc1 a dream although I was very lucky to have a midwife help me get the latch right by day 2 and she was a hungry baby (and child!)). So when I had dc2 I figured this would be easy peasy..... and it was not. At all. Infact I had to give it up to my great despair as it just wasn’t working for either of us. At the time I felt soooo guilty but now (with the benefit of a lot of hindsight and time) I cannot for the life of my fathom why I got so upset and spent hours and hours trying to do sometime that plainly wasn’t working. Breastfeeding is great.... but sometimes I don’t think it is best.....

If you can try going out for short walks in the sunshine. You’ll feel so much better for doing this, even if only for an hour.

My DD is now 11 days old, baby blues hit me on day 3 and haven't left yet. I didn't have a traumatic birth, but it was long and tiring (induction) so I started out being completely knackered and have never recovered from that. I'm crying at the slightest little thing and have cried at every single health care professional I've encountered over the last fortnight (which is a lot - we were readmitted to hospital twice!) We've now managed 5 nights at home in total. I feel like I'm just existing rather than coping, and have no idea how I'll manage when DH has to go back to work on Monday.

We had to give up on breastfeeding 2 days ago because it wasn't working, she was losing more and more weight and I just couldn't cope with it any more. That's improved things slightly...but she's still very hard work at night. She'll guzzle her bottle of EBM or formula as though she hasn't been fed for years, then get wind and there's nothing I've managed to do to clear it properly so when I try to put her down to sleep she's too uncomfortable to settle.

I definitely think the weather doesn't help. It's just so dark all the time, I feel like I haven't seen natural daylight in ages.

Hope things improve for you soon.

My DD is now 11 days old, baby blues hit me on day 3 and haven't left yet. I didn't have a traumatic birth, but it was long and tiring (induction) so I started out being completely knackered and have never recovered from that. I'm crying at the slightest little thing and have cried at every single health care professional I've encountered over the last fortnight (which is a lot - we were readmitted to hospital twice!) We've now managed 5 nights at home in total. I feel like I'm just existing rather than coping, and have no idea how I'll manage when DH has to go back to work on Monday.

I wish I could give you a massive great hug! Day 11 is so early, it gets so much better, I really, truly, promise you!

The first day parenting solo is horrid, I am a very competent person, serious job, company owner, nothing fazes me. But I cried and begged DH not to go back to work.

Treat yourself kindly, like you'd treat a friend in this situation. Eat cake and drink tea (or whatever you like better). You'll fall into a routine soon and it'll become completely natural.

If it helps I didn’t leave the house the first week my dh returned to work I was so terrified. The first day I did (had no choice) I cried in the dry cleaners on the way down to the local council because I was so overwhelmed. Day two went much better and within a few days I was a champion.

It can all be so hard at first can’t it? But you’re not alone, even if you might be feeling that way

Awww, accrualintentions! Don't worry - you WILL manage.

The one piece of brilliant advice I was given with my second (but probably wouldn't have been able to listen to with my first) was lower your expectations. Honestly, if for the first month, you don't get dressed until 4pm, don't clean, eat nothing but pot noodle and cake, watch daytime TV on a loop, and go to sleep every cotton-picking-time the baby conks, the baby WILL BE FINE. Just do the bare minimum, and don't let yourself feel pressurised to be a superwoman. No-one worth knowing will judge you one little bit.