Major baby blues. Day 8 & struggling

[Goawaybabyblues]

I gave birth to DD 8 days ago. My birth wasn't traumatic as such, but it didn't go to plan in any way and I am somewhat traumatised by the experience. Although appreciate a lot of people probably are and I'm lucky to have avoided more serious intervention.

We had to stay in for a couple of days and my hospital experience was horrible. We were in a side room so forgotten about and I had no help with breastfeeding despite asking repeatedly. A midwife barked at me that I needed to be feeding 8 times in 24 hours but didn't help me latch. And another when asked for help grabbed my boob and latched DD but didn't help me learn to do it myself. My supply didn't come in properly and I found the whole thing so stressful. I've since been to a clinic in the community and had lactation consultants come out so we've had good support since, but I'm now just pumping a bit and mostly feeding formula as my supply is next to nothing. I'm ready to stop for my own sanity but feel horribly guilty.

On day 3 the baby blues came along. My sister had prewarned me but nothing prepared me for how unbelievably awful I would feel. It's almost like a physical darkness washing over, like someone has died. I feel horrendous, i cry hysterically or just feel like the world is ending. It comes along at around 3pm and peaks at 5, then hangs around until we go to sleep. I feel like I can't cope, worry about my husband and Mum dying. About a million and one things with the baby. And just feel like there's no joy left in the world. It is stopping me enjoying what should be such an amazing time.

I'm almost scared of the evening. And I associate certain lighting with the feeling. So when the curtains shut i start to feel panic as I know it's coming.

I've noticed improvement without a doubt. In fact I imagine from the outside looking in there's been a huge improvement. My window of baby blues is a lot smaller now and I can sometimes cheer myself up and through it. I'd like to think that it will go between 10 and 14 days as people say, as it came on day 3 but it's hard to imagine right now.

I felt truly horrendous in the first trimester too so assume I'm somewhat sensitive to hormonal changes. That left right at 12 weeks too, which gives me hope.

During the night I'm happiest. I love looking after DD and how lucid and cute she is. I get sleep in between feeds and feel completely normal.

But when I wake there's no telling if I'll have a good morning and awful afternoon or sad morning too. It's making me wish the days away.

I've heard the baby blues can last from a few days to weeks, but am just looking for anyone going through the same or who had it like this. How long does it last? Does it just go away abruptly like it came? I feel as though I'll never be happy again at the moment

@AnonEvent haha! My mum said the same.

Annoyingly I am trying to reflect on how utterly low I felt at times in the third trimester (albeit a walk in the park compared to this) and I really can't remember. The mind obviously has a good way of filtering memories like that!

@KnitFastDieWarm thank you! I am getting his help more and it helps a lot, he's been fab but I wanted to almost prove I could do it to myself so I was less scared of him going back to work.

My favourite guilty pleasure is watching something rubbish like the real housewives. I've felt so unlike myself I haven't been doing or enjoying things like that. The first day he goes back to work I'm going to just stay in bed and binge TV I think. The old me would love that, it feels so weird to be so numb to the things I normally like doing.

I hear you on feeling unlike yourself - I remember when DS was about a month old watching reruns of time team (so comfortingly familiar!) while eating a box of chocolates to myself and thinking 'actually, yeah, this ain't so bad, the world's still turning'
I also went out for a pizza with my best mate when DS was four weeks old - I was shattered and still a bit wobbly from my csection but it felt amazing to put on some makeup and actual non-puke coveted clothes and talk to another adult for an hour and a half

Basically - yes, your life has changed forever, but you're still YOU! Whatever you enjoy doing, you'll do again, even if it takes a while. Until then, junk food and bad telly with a sleeping baby on your chest is the way forward

I'm an introvert too blues and I must admit that one of the hardest things to face was being around someone, all the bloody time.

Whether it was DH, friends and family visiting for DD herself. I really value downtime, and quiet - and was fearful that I'd get none.

Sometimes it's still a bit overwhelming (DD is learning to walk and a talk, and requires constant attention) but it's amazing how learn to live in your own head a bit more, and you can sing Twinkle Twinkle instinctively whilst mentally switching off or narrate hanging the washing out, whilst thinking about something completely different.

It's a bit of a hard slog, but the bit you're in right now is the hardest. It gets better, and quickly, once they start smiling, and then laughing and cooing, you'll find yourself bursting with love and pride.

@AnonEvent That sounds familiar. We've had lots of visitors which I've appreciated but found hard. And whilst normally I love being around DH and my mum they've been with me all the time to ensure I'm ok and not alone. I do wonder if just being by myself a bit would help for balance.

Thank you

@AnonEvent @Goawaybabyblues This is something I'm struggling with too, I really value my alone time and haven't had any of that since I went into labour. While I'm worried about managing on my own next week when DH goes back to work, I feel like we've been trying to do a lot (well not a lot, but something each day!) because he wanted to make the most of the little paternity leave he's had since we got home from hospital. My plan for Monday is to for the baby and I to survive and nap and not have any visitors and possibly watch Suits.

Goawaybabyblues it is scary, I know what you mean. What helped me was that once I'd got through it the first time I knew I could do it again if it happened again. After having DC2 I got a few moments in the first few evenings where I was starting to feel anxious again, but I managed to calm myself down by telling myself it was just hormones and I would be ok. I don't want to imply you should be able to do this now, I couldn't the first time!

I'm an introvert too and I think the anxiety was caused by the uprooting of my life and removal of my alone time. I couldn't do my favourite things, watch my shows, drink wine and sleep in and read the papers. After a few weeks I started getting used to my new normal and you will too.

I really feel for you because that feeling was awful, I know a lot of mothers who have felt like this though and we all got through it

I too am an introvert and had my children before the days of partners and husbands getting time off. I remember very clearly the feeling of terror when being dropped loft at home , alone with DC1 to get on with it. I couldn't wait for my mother to come to stay for a few days and there is no doubt that she was really reassuring and practically helpful.
By week 2 I felt happier sorting my own time and managing my DC my own way. I would have felt claustrophobic having another adult around all day . Of course I was delighted to see visitors for an hour or so or to visit with my DC people I knew well..
With DC 2 and 3 I didn't need constant company . Again I was grateful for brief visits or for a hand with the ironing or whatever but I love Jed being able to concentrate on the baby ,other DC and myself without worrying about other adults and their comfort.only for DC3 did we have close family nearby so relatives visits were overnight .

Thanks everyone. I am hoping with DH going back to work on Tuesday I'll be able to get used to things more, as they will be normally.

As an update I think the bulk of my baby blues did go around day 10. With each day I feel a bit better but I'm far from happy or my normal self. The fear of that time of day and suffocating feeling did go though so for anyone reading this it really does get better.

I have a fever from mastitus and am so sleep deprived, I think that's not helping. I just want my old life back but hope soon I'll get the hang of things more, feel even less hormonal / blue and enjoy it rather than just try to get through it.

DD slept for 3 hour periods last night which has helped a lot as I've had the most settled sleep I've had in weeks. Just wish I could sleep in the day!

Hope everyone else struggling is ok X

As each day goes past it gets a little easier but then there's a set back.

I have mastitus and an infection internally. My health worker came today and was lovely, really supportive which is good. She suspects the infection isn't helping and I've got a call with her next week to let her know how I'm doing.

I wish I could have a few concurrent days of better sleep and mood, just for some restbite. I know it's very early days still but it feels like time is going so slowly.

I can't wait for when this starts to feel enjoyable and not miserable.

I am really pleased to hear that you are feeling a bit better. The whole thing is so tough , I really sympathise.
My advice, FWIW, is to plod on in the moment. The days pass and suddenly you realise that you have hit your stride and know what you are doing( sort of). If you keep looking to a utopian future it will remain dishearteningly elusive.

Glad to hear that on the whole things are getting better!
As PP said- for now just continue going hour to hour, and eventually you'll realise that time is passing and you're getting more and more into it :)
And try and enjoy what you can along the way, they'll be big so soon and we will be missing the cuddles! Xx

Thank you for the advice, I'm trying to focus on small milestones which are closely in reach. Like it's 2 weeks tomorrow. And my antibiotics end on Saturday. That kind of thing.

Totally agree - if I think of the fact so many people say it's better from 6 weeks it feels so far away.

Mastitis must suck massive fucking balls. You deserve a huuuge glass of wine. If not contraindicated obvs.

You will feel better. But it’s very much hour by hour sometimes. Even minute by minute when it’s really tough. Keep doing the skin to skin. My DS is 5 months and I have PND and we often have a bit of skin to skin during his morning nap. It’s wonderful.

You will feel better x

You're doing so incredibly well. I found it useful to focus on some good bits/moments: don't think of it as having a good or bad day, just count and reflect on the good moments. Otherwise it can get a bit overwhelming.

Mastitis is really tough

In two days time it’s 1 December and this means you can begin counting down to Christmas! There’s a thing that’s close to look forward to!

Just checking in to see how you are doing.

Rubbish about the mastitis and the infection - that certainly won't be making anything easier so you may well see an uplift in your energy when that starts to settle down. It does sound like the HCPs around you are being really supportive and helpful and getting the balance pretty right, which is lovely to hear! The sleep WILL get better - slowly, slowly - and it will make a big difference. Are you getting to bed silly-early? As a night owl usually, it took me a few months to realise that actually, I really needed to adjust my bed time - even a few days a week when I crashed at 9pm and got a few solid hours before the first waking made a big difference for me!

At the risk of adding to your mental to do pile, I'd also try and take a few mins a day to own some time for you. When your baby is asleep, take a conscious 5-10 minutes to just sit, and actively NOT think about baby/house stuff - just get a cuppa and look out of the window; or read an old, favourite book: if you are a meditation/mindfulness person at all, 5 mins of breathing and grounding will really do you the world of good: if you are not, can I suggest headspace? It's a really gorgeous guided meditation app - very non-woo, very calming: my kids use it to go to sleep sometimes too now! Wallow in the time and just ignore the baby for a bit!

Thank you so much everyone for your replies and suggestions. Doing lots of skin to skin and it's really helping. Also totally agree about time for myself and getting more sleep. We had been going to bed as early as 8 but she has a weird phase between 7 and 12 where she won't settle at all, so it wasn't very fruitful.

I wanted to update to say that the past 2 days have been massively better.

I went to my Mums and she did the morning feeds so I could sleep for an extra couple of hours. I can't believe the difference in mood. I feel so much more connected to the baby and I can say I've had two days now where I haven't had any dip in mood which is huge. I'm interested in doing the things I love again and whilst I'm still scared each day of feeling low and having to work hard to stay positive and get the rest I need, it's so good to finally feel myself again.

Hoping for another good day tomorrow and so on, whilst sleep will vary and it'll be up and down having a run of better mood days has really helped.

PS. For anyone who finds this by googling etc, it was day 12 when I really felt better.

Oh wow you’re not alone bless you...I can 100% relate to the traumatic aftermath, I had nightmares, I dreamt of dying, real sinister dreams and flashbacks but they do pass, I thought that was it I thought I had PTSD and perhaps in some way that’s exactly what it is, hormones have a lot to answer for but you are also exhausted, overwhelmed, probably sleep deprived recovering from a marathon, even the easiest most straightforward births take it out of you; just be kind to yourself, childbirth may be common but it’s not a little thing it’s a huge deal, it’s great you’re talking about it, even to us strangers! You can go back to your hospital for something called rewind I believe? If you wanted to, I didn’t in the end but my HV recommended it to me when I was having the nightmares, the did pass, bringing a little human into the world causes all sorts of anxieties but you know what, the fact you’re experiencing this to me tells me you’re a sensitive and caring mum who’s perhaps suffering with baby blues but maybe you’re also putting yourself under pressure to feel ‘normal’ too ...because you care! Use your health visitor and pull on all the support you can. Birth is hard physically and emotionally but you did it! Thinking of you ....I know how it feels; justbone tiny other little point, the 3-5pm thing, could you be feeling worse because of a blood sugar slump at that time? Maybe make a conscious effort to have a little bite to eat & make sure your fluids are up, I ALWAYS get grouchy 3pm munchies!

Great news OP. It's amazing how much difference sleep can make!

Great news, goaway (that feels all wrong typing that!) - sleep is a bit amazing isn't it?! Sooooo glad you are feeling better - a few more rested, 'up' days helps you to get through when a bad sleep day/low mood returns. Do keep posting if you find it helpful/ need to - I'll keep an eye on this thread, and as you have already figured, I am sure that others in the future will find it by googling and feel less alone :-)

Thanks for your comments since. Weirdly I deleted the app from my phone as anything which reminds me of that time makes me feel strange. I still can't sit in my living room.

Whilst the baby blues did get better, it's been so up and down since. Mostly down. I started going to my mums a few days a week and she will do the morning feeds so I can sleep for a few hours. It helps a lot but by the evening I'm in tears again, it's like my battery runs out. The baby is up every 2 hours throughout the night and I'm beyond exhausted. I can barely function and it effects my mood so much. I don't feel hormonal now, just depressed from a lack of sleep.

I can't nap in the day, besides going back to bed first thing in the morning. My husband does the same thing as Mum on the weekends although it's less effective as we're all in the same room.

I feel I've bonded slightly more with the baby but in all honesty I very much still don't enjoy being a Mum. My life is miserable and I'm just trying to survive each day without a meltdown.

Everyone says 6 weeks is the point where things will get a lot better. But I'm terrified it won't. In my mind I've accepted I'll have to go to the gp in January if the 6 week point comes and goes without improvement. I'm so scared her smiles won't make a difference. And when anxiety kicks in I worry about her not smiling for some reason or getting bad news from her tests. It's a minefield.

My husband has spread his leave over 3 weeks starting from tomorrow. I should be happy but I'm scared. He's amazing, but I don't know how to ask for help sometimes. Us both being at home during his paternity leave just highlighted how different life is now.

We had one amazing weekend, the one before last. Where we went for coffee and for a walk on the beach. For a few hours I loved being a mum and could see the joy we have ahead as she grows and we get to know her. But it just feels like a distant memory now. 1 day in 4 weeks isn't enough.

She slept for 5 hours randomly one night, only time she has done it and I felt like 'myself' mentally the next day. That gives me hope this is entirely sleep related and not PND. In fact each day is governed by sleep entirely. I can almost predict the point in the day or night where I'll have a breakdown based on how much sleep I got.

For the next few weeks I will keep sleeping at my mums and getting her help. Hopefully will enjoy more days like the beach day when my husband is off. And just try to get through Christmas and to that 6 week mark a few days after.

But thank you for all your comments. This thread was a major turning point because no one talks about feeling this way. All the other mums I know who had babies at the same time are seemingly loving life and it makes me feel so guilty. I hope by writing down how I feel it'll help again. But also that if anyone else finds it they won't feel bad if after 10 days it wasn't all rainbows. I was so keen to never feel like that again I was a little optimistic in thinking the hormones would be the end of my problems.

Sorry to hear that you're still struggling. I think I'm getting more sleep than you, by the sounds of it, but being honest I still wouldn't say I'm enjoying this. I think from talking to other people that my DD is a relatively easy baby, or at least not difficult, but I find the constant routine of nappy, feed, attempt to get them to sleep, repeat every 3 hours so limiting. Maybe it will get better once we start getting something back from them?

Your idea about seeing the GP in January may well be a good one. At the very least it helps to share how you're really feeling, I think. I haven't been brave enough to say to anyone in real life that I miss my old life and I'm not sure we've done the right thing.