My 3-month-old is going to end our family plans before they begin

[GoldFive]

I am a father and my baby was born in September. I work from home. My wife is a full-time mother. We had plans to have many children but she is about to break.

My daughter is the most high-needs child I have ever seen. She usually sleeps a full night, ever night, but then is awake from morning until 10pm. She requires constant attention.

The main breaking point is that she demands to be held and walked. Constantly. I mean that without any exaggeration. There is about a 30 minute long grace period after she wakes up where she is content to lay down but after that you must be holding her, standing up, and walking. If you sit down, she screams immediately. If you stand still, she screams immediately. If you try to lay down with her, she screams immediately. She demands to be held by the groin or by the thigh with her back to your stomach. She does not want to be held more comfortably facing you. I have repeatedly tried to change this behavior and it doesn't work.

My wife is convinced that letting the baby cry will cause her to grow into a serial killer, so she does not allow it to cry. She will stand and walk with the baby 16 hours a day, every day. Her back hurts, she's in emotional turmoil, and she lashes out at me. She is very frustrated but refuses to let the baby cry. I've insisted that she lay the baby in her crib (especially when she's being walked and crying anyways, because it's not like holding her is even working at that point) and she refuses. The topic is so sore that if I suggest she simply lay the baby down she will shut down and hide in the room with the screaming baby.

My productivity has plummeted. We have an extremely small apartment because we're looking to leave for the US and are saving up as much money as possible. I have no privacy, no peace to work, and I am continuously interrupted to hold the baby so she can even go to the bathroom or put on makeup because the baby's tolerance for not being held and walked is literally zero.

I honestly feel like there's something wrong with her. She is the unhappiest, neediest infant I have ever seen. It feels like she is deliberately trying to ruin my wife's life. The crying feels malicious at this point.

Thank you so much. It's unfortunately rare to get such kindness on here and although it probably seems really silly, it means an awful lot. Especially as I'm currently hiding in the bedroom from DD (DH has her) as I'm having a horrific afternoon and sitting in the dark crying is probably a better option than running away!

Despite the above OP, honestly these really dark days are much fewer and far between now than they were a few months ago. If your road is anything like ours then this will be the hardest thing you will ever do. But it's true what they say, they really are worth it - it just doesn't always feel like it. And it's okay to feel like that. However, there is additional support out there if you'd like to take it. I probably should have done more of that, but post-natal mental health care in the UK is shocking and I was too busy spending all my cash on private doctors for DD!

She got it and tried it for one day and said it was too hard.

Hmmm.

She needs to learn some perseverance then doesn't she?

Also

We tried desperately for weeks to get the crib to work for nights but gave up.

Weeks. For a 3 month old. That's 12 weeks old.

Exaggeration much?

It's pretty normal for a baby to not necessarily settle at that age.

You are finding it tough and clearly hate your child. But the routes here are to persevere with seeing the doctor and to persevere with everything else realising that 3 month old babies cry.

I have to say I find it very odd your baby isn't napping during the day but is sleeping all night. At 12 weeks old. That's not normal.

Every single photo I have of ds that age was of him being held just as you describe by dh or myself. It was a living nightmare. I later found out it was reflux from too much lactose/foremilk instead of hindmilk. I switched to formula and the problem disappeared as if by magjc! It was truly hell on wheels before I discovered that though and no one could believe how bad it was until they experienced a day with us. I totally sympathise.

In the kindest possible way a three month old that “sleeps a full night, every night” is not “the most high-needs child”.

That doesn’t mean you aren’t (reasonably) finding it hard or it doesn’t feel like it at times but you may need some perspective. It’s very difficult when you’re in the thick of it to get that perspective - when my DD was three months old, woke 6-8 times a night and wouldn’t be put down during the day I thought my life was over and would be like that forever. But at that age everything is very temporary, your baby will grow out of it. In the meantime you just have to hold on, seek help from anyone and everyone and remember that the baby months are short, I’m not going to say you should cherish and enjoy them (I certainly didn’t!) but they will be gone quicker than you think.

Have you tried strapping baby in her buggy in the living room, white noise on, push buggy back and forth humming/singing? A useful way to get baby to sleep in the day.

My baby was exactly the same. He suffered from silent reflux which got better once weaned at 6 months. He would cry constantly and need holding/rocking all the time but it stopped as fast as it started. Hang in there things will get better.

My dd didn't really nap in the day and was a cluster feeder at night. However I did get her down all night from an early age. I would say put the baby in a sling so hands are free but I agree with pp that what you are saying isn't normal. The poor baby is 3 months old

Yup - silent reflux is often missed. You can also get special formulas designed to help, which may be worth trying.

This is on the extreme side of normal - it is NOT what "all babies do". However that doesn't mean it will be easy to work out what is making your DD unhappy even with the best support. We had similar awful times with DS1 and there was no allergy involved, reflux medications did nothing etc.
I'm confused why you say she sleeps through the night if she is BFing every 30 mins? This will make your wife absolutely exhausted. Will the baby take a bottle? You need to find a way for your wife to get a longer block of sleep at night. Baby DD will also be exhausted, a 3 month needs to sleep during the day (no doubt the crying is in part due to this).
DS1 improved somewhat when we got a sleep consultant involved when he was 11 mo. He remained a high needs baby and is still a challenging child at 8.5 years! HOWEVER once we got some sleep our mental health improved to the point we went on to have DD and DS2.... both of whom were "normal", entirely manageable babies! So don't worry about the longer term just now. Most important thing is that everyone in the family gets a bit more rest.

The fact that you seem to think that your baby is doing things deliberately to annoy you is very worrying indeed.

Babies are small creatures of instinct - they know when they are uncomfortable or frightened and instinctively cry. They do not engage in logical thinking or malice, because their brains are simply not capable of this.

When you refer to her as "it" that is even more worrying.

I think you should see a GP and talk about this.

You are both very lucky indeed that your baby sleeps through the night - something of a rarity at this age.

A new baby is a challenge and hugely exhausting; but this is normal. Attributing thoughts and abilities to a tiny baby is not. The art of parenting consists entirely of being able to put yourself inside the mind of he child at each stage of their lives; and not expecting more of them than they can achieve.

You have found strategies which help your baby - so stick with them - take her out in the car or in the pram a lot of the time if that is where she is most comfortable. The reason mothers have always rocked babies is because it comforts them and takes them back to the womb when they were rocked about as mother moved. The car and the pram have the same effect.

The first few months of a baby's life seldom have routine, and seldom allow parents to be productive in other ways, or to keep their house tidy.

You must seek help - your response to this stress is not within normal parameters.

Echoing others I'll guarantee it's the reflux.

My youngest was like this and she had CMPA, reflux, colic and tongue tie. Most of this was not picked up until nearly 6 months aside from the CMPA.

She would scream for the whole day and night if I put her down and rarely napped; not the usual 4th trimester but I can relate to how hard it is to get people to take it seriously. I used a sling a lot but felt pretty unhinged until her issues were sorted and definitely had PND. This took its toll on my husband too. But it did improve with the right treatment, once the issues had been identified.

I would suggest to approach the GP again for you both with insistence that you need support, and also the health visitor if you have had difficulty with the GP.

This is spot on.

OP, my daughter was like that and she suffered with reflux. Once we put this under control (via medication and feeding, a much happier personality emerged. In the meantime, can you walk your DD out with a pram? Does this help? I used to keep my baby out for 4-5 hours a day last spring.

I second you need help from your GP.

Infant probiotics are worth a try if there is reflux/digestion issues.

My niece was like this and I was the only one who she didn’t cry for and I used to hold her as you describe because I have a dodgy shoulder. She was MUCH later diagnosed as lactose intolerant and I think she liked me holding her because lying that way draped over my arm put pressure on her tummy and that helped somehow. Perhaps a trial of a different milk could help?

This sounds awful - I can sympathize, I think DS2 cried more in his first three months than DS1 did in his whole first year. It's soul destroying and I still get a visceral reaction in my chest when he cries now, years later.

Things that helped us:
Stopped breastfeeding and moved on to anti-reflux formula
Infant gaviscon in every feed
Swaddling - tight
Baby bjorn bouncer - it's expensive but magic and made all the difference as you can bounce it with your foot while sitting down and ajdust the seating position to being quite upright. I somehow managed to swaddle DS's top half and get him in to the bouncer and he would relax a little.

Good luck. Its awful, but it does pass, eventually.

YABU.

Newborns are hard work.

Some people get lucky, others aren't.

Mone was very very very hard work until she was 8 months old.

Once they are s bit older they start to calm down.

But at 3 months old I dont think there is any medical problems.

This is normal for you child. And it will improve.

But you need to help more rather than tell your wife to repeatedly put the baby down.

Firstly you need to change your attitude, your baby is three months old, who knows nothing else other than constant movement in a super cosy environment (I’m talking about the womb).

No baby is malicious, this statement has made me so angry! Get help, both of you, before either of you do something dangerous.

secondly, I would take your baby to a chiro and or osteopath, they obviously need to be specifically trained in infants so ask before you book. My baby cried lots especially after feeding until I took her to a chiro, who confirmed after a long labour she had a very stiff neck and lower back. A few super gentle movements (not what they do on adults) and she was all good after that, plus a change of formula.

babies need lots of day sleep, it’s your job (not just mum) to create the optimum sleep environment (white noise, safety, black room, same sleep routine day in day out). Babies don’t just know how to get themselves to sleep!

This sounds promising...

If breastfeeding your wife could give up dairy to see if this makes a difference?

Your baby’s crying because she’s exhausted with no daytime naps. She stops when she’s held and being walked around because it’s comforting and distracting. You need to get her to sleep during the day and she’ll wake up happier and won’t require being held so much. She needs a lot more sleep than you think. You’re misinterpreting exhausted cries as just random or ‘malicious’ crying (not a thing). Get that baby to sleep however you can!

Without a doubt, the toughest part of parenthood. You're tired after 3 months, the newborn bubble and help from folks has passed, the personality and the baby doing anything playful stage hasn't been reached yet. I always said "give me a 6 month old baby over a newborn". It will pass, it will test your relationship, but focus on getting through this without laying any blame on the baby. One day you'll forget the rough moments and will have more children. Hold on in there, and please seek help if you feel you can't cope.

I feel so sorry for you and your wife. You are clearly a kind husband doing the right thing asking for advice ❤️

However a baby is not malicious. Babies are needy. They're attaching to you for their survival. This is a person. You also refer to your baby as 'it'. Perhaps you're also winding each other up about the baby and need to keep reminding each other kindly, this is a much loved and wanted human being.

You both desperately need all the rest and help you can get. Please stop thinking about your family plans for a few months and do not blame your baby. Your baby is your family.

You have one child. This is wonderful. We don't get to choose how easy or difficult our children will be as babies. Only our re-action to it. And many 'difficult' babies grow into easier kids and vice versa.

Your wife's reaction of not wanting the baby to cry is very normal. Your baby is normal (though it's tough). But your baby might have colic.

Call your doctor to get help for you and your wife and see if your baby needs anything. See if a friend can watch your baby for a bit. If you can afford it get a babysitter and therapist.

Some of the hatred towards the language used by the OP is astounding! 😳It's obvious he is asking for help! If it was a post from the mum in the same language there would be nothing but sympathy and support. It in no way normal or 'something a baby does' to cry constantly for 12+ hours a day! He sounds like he is (understandably) at the end of his rope and so is his wife. Give over with the judging and just offer credible advice. Help them. Don't sling on more problems.

Do you have a baby chair with a vibrate function on? My first was very difficult to settle until we tried the vibrate seat. It really helped her.
Then once she was used to soothing herself without our touch it became easier altogether.