My 3-month-old is going to end our family plans before they begin

[GoldFive]

I am a father and my baby was born in September. I work from home. My wife is a full-time mother. We had plans to have many children but she is about to break.

My daughter is the most high-needs child I have ever seen. She usually sleeps a full night, ever night, but then is awake from morning until 10pm. She requires constant attention.

The main breaking point is that she demands to be held and walked. Constantly. I mean that without any exaggeration. There is about a 30 minute long grace period after she wakes up where she is content to lay down but after that you must be holding her, standing up, and walking. If you sit down, she screams immediately. If you stand still, she screams immediately. If you try to lay down with her, she screams immediately. She demands to be held by the groin or by the thigh with her back to your stomach. She does not want to be held more comfortably facing you. I have repeatedly tried to change this behavior and it doesn't work.

My wife is convinced that letting the baby cry will cause her to grow into a serial killer, so she does not allow it to cry. She will stand and walk with the baby 16 hours a day, every day. Her back hurts, she's in emotional turmoil, and she lashes out at me. She is very frustrated but refuses to let the baby cry. I've insisted that she lay the baby in her crib (especially when she's being walked and crying anyways, because it's not like holding her is even working at that point) and she refuses. The topic is so sore that if I suggest she simply lay the baby down she will shut down and hide in the room with the screaming baby.

My productivity has plummeted. We have an extremely small apartment because we're looking to leave for the US and are saving up as much money as possible. I have no privacy, no peace to work, and I am continuously interrupted to hold the baby so she can even go to the bathroom or put on makeup because the baby's tolerance for not being held and walked is literally zero.

I honestly feel like there's something wrong with her. She is the unhappiest, neediest infant I have ever seen. It feels like she is deliberately trying to ruin my wife's life. The crying feels malicious at this point.

Your baby isn’t demanding anything at all, she’s communicating her needs the only way how.

The fact that you can speak about your infant child in this way is extremely worrying, I suggest you get help from your GP immediately. It’s not at all normal to call your child “it” or to speak about them the way you have.

See another GP urgently for help and if you can afford one, find a recommended cranial osteopath who specialises in babies. Helped massively with DS1 and he was similar, but not for as long (constantly held and / or fed 6 hours every evening). He screamed a lot every evening and distressing to see him so upset. He visibly and very clearly relaxed and stopped screaming during osteopathy, farted during it so was clearly wind not helping. Was like magic, I read somewhere that going through the birth canal is one of the most physically stressful life events in terms of body alignment and a bit of gentle osteopathy might help. Good luck.

You’re having a hard time so I’ll make it brief as possible.

1. You need to seek mental health support for yourself. Sometimes your work will have a phone line. Or pay for a private session, anything. The better you are, the better you can support your wife.
2. It sounds like baby is in discomfort. Cows milk protein allergy (CMPA) sounds like most likely option - so common. Wife needs to cut out all dairy if breastfeeding. Other possibilities - a birth injury, ear problem.
3. Baby knowing when you sit down/stop at a red light and screaming - totally normal. Baby is not unusual or trying to wind you up. That is just classic baby antics.
4. Baby being calm in pushchair and carseat is actually great (as is sleeping well at night). So many parents literally walk baby round and round in a buggy all day. Break the day up - you take baby for a walk before work while wife gets showered. Wife can hold baby at home for a bit, then take out in buggy for a walk to lunch. Maybe when you get home from work, take baby for another walk or a drive. It is relentless! Chores don’t matter! And most importantly - it will pass!

Sounds a lot like my DS at about that age, slept through the night but had to be held upright all day every day or he'd scream and scream and scream. I found a carrier that worked for me and just walked all day. Takeaway coffee while walking, go to places I liked, waiting for him to get a bit older basically! He had terrible reflux, so we ended up bottle feeding with carobel (thickens the milk so it stays down effectively). It took a few attempts to get the hang of a fabric sling but once I found a way of tying it that worked I could tie it, leave it on and lift baby in and out all day, honestly saved my sanity! He'd only sleep in the sling or his car seat until we got the reflux addressed.
I do sympathise with some if what you've said, I absolutely resented my DS at times when he was a newborn, it was so hard, but since we got over that hump he's fabulous!

Please go see a cranial oesto who is trained in babies - the birth process can be difficult on a child - if you have insurance it can cover this.

"It feels like she is deliberately trying to ruin my wife's life. The crying feels malicious at this point." A baby can't be malicious or be planning to ruin someone's life :/ please please seek MH suport, this sounds like PND.

please do check for silent reflux and CMPA. She sounds a lot like my high-needs baby who was CMPA with silent reflux and also loved to be carried facing outwards. We wore her in a sling. I saw a huge change in her after I quit cow's milk (she was exclusively breastfed), and she did chill out to be a generally happy baby. I hate to think how much pain she was in when she was so little.

And please seek help for yourself. Your current feelings towards your daughter are potentially very dangerous for her. She's just a tiny baby and honestly your wife's instinct to do the things that help her is much healthier than yours which is to put her down and leave her. The baby does not need training. The baby is doing her best to ask for what she wants and needs. However, neither of you seems to be in a great place right now, and I suggest returning to the GP for more help. Sending my very best wishes to your poor wife.

I get it, but to speak about your child like this is cruel and actually very worrying!

I had wheels for my car seat - if the baby's happy in the car seat can you use it indoors?

I think the issues here aren't your baby, but your expectations, and also your lack of knowledge (sorry) about very young babies.

Your baby needs to be held most of the time because she is a baby and that's what they need.

Of course a high chair etc won't help your baby, they are three months old, it's not suitable for her age.

Yes, it can be difficult to get chores done when you have a demanding baby, but there's only one baby, two of you, and i assume you are doing a lot of the housework, so they're shouldn't be an issue.

If your baby is truly not sleeping at all during the day, then her upset is likely due to extreme over tiredness. They are only supposed to stay awake 1-2 hours at that age!

I'd strongly suggest both you and your wife see the GP. It sounds as if she has PND, and I'm worried about your attitude towards your daughter.

Are there any baby massage classes where you are? Dc3 used to scream in the evenings when I wasn't stood up rocking him and u felt like my back was breaking from carrying him around.

The baby massage helped with getting him to calm down, still having physical touch and closeness to me and most importantly some of the tummy madsages really got his trapped wind moving and he was much more comfortable.

Colic is just a description on a baby that cries more than usual basically. It's not a medical diagnosis so your doctor is talking nonsense. Look into silent reflux though.

Some babies are just like this, I'm sorry that society sold you a lie that babies are lovely creatures who will enhance your life and your love for each other.

The fact she sleeps all night would be a dream come true to many parents who are awake on the hour every hour for months on end. Yes it is hard, yes you need help and support. But it's not outside the realms of normality.

I have a 2mo and am at crumbling point but your situation sounds much much worse. You have my sympathy.
As others have said, your baby really must be napping in the day - awake time of about 1.5hrs then nap.
I would seek out help from the gp and health Visitor but also would advise getting an experienced maternity nanny around for a week or two to help you trouble shoot and help with naps and developing some sort of routine. You can go through a local agency or find one on childcare.co.uk
Help might also be available through the parent and baby coach - she has expertise in dealing with reflux and allergies. Also see millie Poppins. Both do phone consultations.

Good luck !!

I know you said your wife wasn't keen on the fabric sling but honestly after a few goes you can get them on really quick. I found it really helped when DD had colic and probably helped me bond better with her during a really shitty time.
How does your wife feel towards your baby? Is she also resentful?
Try and get some help for yourself as well as the baby.

You're massively unreasonable to be expecting your wife to be doing chores when you have a 3 month old baby. Did friends/relatives with babies not tell you how difficult it is to look after a young baby, during certain phases? Did they not say things like "I can't even shower some days", did you think they were joking? They weren't, so stop expecting things to get done! You need to work away from your home, and when you come home (hopefully you don't work long hours), you can do the chores whilst your wife looks after the baby, or you can look after the baby whilst your wife does the chores. During this high needs time, it might be helpful to outsource some domestic tasks, like cleaning or laundry, if you can afford it. You need to a see a different doctor, for both your baby and your wife (I agree it sounds like she could have PND), and are you possibly depressed too. And you need to work somewhere other than your home.

Ps defo get omeprazole for reflux, she clearly needs it

God, you sound awful.

Referring to your baby daughter as “it” is so offensive I would lose my temper if we were face to face.

You need help. The way you talk about, and feel about a tiny 12 week old baby is disgusting. I have sympathy for people with new babies - it’s hard work and an intense time.

But to be so cold and ridiculous about a newborn (she’s malicious?!) you need your head checking. Vile

Buy a joie serina swing.

Read up on fourth trimester
Read up on high needs babies

Mine was EXACTLY the same (except she didn't sleep!)

I also wouldn't leave my baby to cry.

It does get better but be prepared for it to be a long haul.

This. ^ The poor little girl is only a few weeks old FGS.

@GoldFive

And as a few others have said, get some help and advice from the GP, because you referring to your DAUGHTER as IT is just awful, and very worrying.

Also, please don't tell your wife to just put the baby down to cry. It's the sort of thing my husband used to day to me and it would upset me so much as the goal wasn't not to be holding the baby but for the baby to be comforted.

Being alone, screaming in a cot wasn't soothing my baby and it drove my stress and anxiety levels through the roof as it felt beyond unnatural to me as well as feeling like my husband was criticising me.

Step in and take the baby, cuddle her, rock her, soothe her. Even if the baby is still crying just knowing that you're trying will help your wife and allow her to step away and collect her thoughts for a second knowing that the baby isn't being left alone to cry.

If your GP is a dickhead (very believable, mine fobbed me off constantly) is there a midwive or health visitor that you and your wife could talk to? As they're more specialised for baby's and mothers they may be able to give some advise or point you in the right direction.

You can't WFH and have a 3 month old in the house and not expect to be disturbed.

What did you actually think a newborn would be like? You can't even take a shower, the baby is the absolute priority and their needs trump all others

I'd ask for an immediate paediatric consultation for the reflux, digestion and the inner ear issue. This is not usual behaviour and I'd do everything you can to get to the bottom of it before you both get depressed and/or your baby becomes unwell.

I disagree about that behaviour being normal.

3 months old babies sleep at the very least once in the day.
They don’t need to be held constantly and walked.

Stp telling the OP that it’s normal and it can’t be that bad!

@GoldFive id check for an allergy to cows milk. Your description of your baby just reminds me too much of dc1.
It git worse around 4 months. This was the time when weaning could be system at 4 months. Starting solids was key for him to settle down - and fir me to finally realise he was allergic to milk.

Sounds like reflux !!