My 3-month-old is going to end our family plans before they begin

[GoldFive]

I am a father and my baby was born in September. I work from home. My wife is a full-time mother. We had plans to have many children but she is about to break.

My daughter is the most high-needs child I have ever seen. She usually sleeps a full night, ever night, but then is awake from morning until 10pm. She requires constant attention.

The main breaking point is that she demands to be held and walked. Constantly. I mean that without any exaggeration. There is about a 30 minute long grace period after she wakes up where she is content to lay down but after that you must be holding her, standing up, and walking. If you sit down, she screams immediately. If you stand still, she screams immediately. If you try to lay down with her, she screams immediately. She demands to be held by the groin or by the thigh with her back to your stomach. She does not want to be held more comfortably facing you. I have repeatedly tried to change this behavior and it doesn't work.

My wife is convinced that letting the baby cry will cause her to grow into a serial killer, so she does not allow it to cry. She will stand and walk with the baby 16 hours a day, every day. Her back hurts, she's in emotional turmoil, and she lashes out at me. She is very frustrated but refuses to let the baby cry. I've insisted that she lay the baby in her crib (especially when she's being walked and crying anyways, because it's not like holding her is even working at that point) and she refuses. The topic is so sore that if I suggest she simply lay the baby down she will shut down and hide in the room with the screaming baby.

My productivity has plummeted. We have an extremely small apartment because we're looking to leave for the US and are saving up as much money as possible. I have no privacy, no peace to work, and I am continuously interrupted to hold the baby so she can even go to the bathroom or put on makeup because the baby's tolerance for not being held and walked is literally zero.

I honestly feel like there's something wrong with her. She is the unhappiest, neediest infant I have ever seen. It feels like she is deliberately trying to ruin my wife's life. The crying feels malicious at this point.

Hard but normal - get a baby carrier, mine hated the buggy and car seat. Get out and do stuff to occupy them.
leaving them to cry isn’t the answer!

If she wants to be held upright all the time my guess would be silent reflux but there are lots of things it could be. Try infacol first in case its wind. That can be a game changer. Then try baby gaviscon. If the gaviscon helps even a little go to your gp and querry silent reflux.

1. A sling works wonders for babies that don't want to be set down.
2. Check for other symptoms of silent reflux (Google it)
3. Chores be damned. The baby is the priority.
4. You and your wife need need mental health support NOW. The words you are using are concerning in the way that you are describing your child. Unless your baby is sketching out evil masterplans for world domination there is no malicious intent. Crying is the ONLY way the baby can communicate at the moment. Something is not right for the baby and crying is the only way the baby can let you know.

With slings it is not the cost. The expensive ones are often not good fir the infant. We loved the stretchy ones (sling library will help). An infant work against the skin will be much happier. If your wife is not interested in the sling idea, then you should try it when you have the time away from work, if you find she gets on with something then your wife can pick up the ones the baby gets on with.

As there is GORD look in to omeprozol.

Also look in to any allergies (like cows milk protein) if the crying is worse after feeding.

You have to be calm to have a calm baby as they feel your emotions so if you re stressed/upset it passes onto them.

When my son was 3 months old he refused to be put down. We got round it by using a sling, that way I was able to get on with other things and he still felt close to me/like he was being held. He absolutely loved motion- he too would be a dream in the car but the second it stopped moving he knew and would scream bloody murder. We eventually bought him one of those electric baby swings and he would settle so well in it, perhaps something to consider.
I really would advise going back to a different doctor and explaining everything you’ve said here- they need to rule out any underlying reasons, although babies at that age are unpredictable and can cry for a variety of reasons with no medical reason for it.

Your language in your OP and subsequent replies is quite concerning. Understandably it is frustrating when you have a screaming baby and can’t figure out how to settle them, but your daughter is 3 months old, she hasn’t a clue that she’s causing anyone stress. I would advise your wife to speak with her Health Visitor. You would probably benefit from some help from the team too.

All the best, truly being a new parent is damn hard, but most things are a phase and they come out the other side like little rays of sunshine (for a period at least) My son is 19 months now and every day with him is a joy, he rarely tantrums and is generally a very happy child.

Sounds like CMPA/reflux (the two often go hand in hand) 3 months is peak crying stage also so you should see some improvement in the coming weeks. See about cutting out dairy if bf/getting hypo allergenic formula if FF.

Try to rein in the resentment towards your daughter, she's a baby and she's crying because there's a problem she's not getting help with yet. Every single time she cries, she's trying to tell you something.

I have a similar age baby. I also have an older child and my DH works long hours out of the house (I'm talking 8am-10pm) so it's just us, all day every day during the week.

I cope by carving out time to do certain things and the baby has to fit around this. I try never to let the baby cry for more than 5-10 minutes max. I schedule 5 minute "blitzes" throughout the day. Morning - empty dishwasher and hoover kitchen. Make breakfast for oldest. Mid-morning - clean up, wipe surfaces, unload and hang up washing, put new load on. And so on throughout the day. And then of course I have to meet my older child's needs on top of that... make sure both are dressed, make packed lunch, school run, make snacks and meals, supervise homework, do craft projects, play with them, talk to them, hug and interact with them so they don't feel edged out, do sports and swimming lesson etc. Our baby is also reflux-y and a poor sleeper, though our situation doesn't sound quite as bad as yours. I usually get a solid 4-5 hour block of sleep at night but I can't nap during the day.

It is hard and sometimes we have to listen to a lot of screaming. Part of this is because there is only one of me and I can't both hold the baby and do everything else that needs doing. Part of this is because babies just do cry and scream.

I know it is no consolation right now, but this is a stage, you will get past it. The best thing you can do is work as a team - accept that one person's job is to hold the baby while the other gets stuff done. Take turns doing this. Ensure you can both meet your basic physical needs as best possible - sleep, eat, wash.

Also - fuck the chores, it doesn't matter if nothing gets done. The baby is all that matters when they're that tiny.

There will be a reason she’s so fussy, as much as you might feel this is a baby being unreasonable they’re seemly not capable of that. You need to take her back to the GP & push for answers as to what could be causing this. It’s extremely difficult to deal with but you need to find the route cause.

I’m just going to put another suggestion out there that baby girl could maybe be dairy / cows milk intolerant? DD1 cried constantly and would only just about calm down if being held by my DH or me totally upright. She would vomit a lot too. After a looooong time we finally discovered she was dairy intolerant. Once we cut dairy she was like a new child. Would your wife consider cutting out dairy for a short period if she is exclusively breastfeeding to see if they might help?

You’ve had all the usual advice about CMPA/reflux/birth injury. I will only add a couple of things from a hybrid personal-professional perspective:

1. Your baby is not sleeping in the day. This is not normal, nor is it ok. Overtired babies cry for hours and can’t be calmed. It’s a vicious circle. Sleep is like food. It’s our job to provide babies with it until they have the ability to do it themselves. So… obvious stuff now. Baby has a circadian rhythm at this point, so maximise nap timings based on awake windows. At 12w it’s unlikely your baby will cope with being awake for longer than 2h15min max. If she wakes at 7, try naps at 9am (45min - 1hr); 12.15pm (2hr); 4pm (30min), bed at 6.45pm. Get baby to nap however you can. Best advice: blackout (PITCH black), swaddle, white noise (LOUD), rocking then place into crib whilst still rocking, or look up side settling.
2. Support your wife with breastfeeding. Tell her how incredible she is. Get her an appointment with a lactation consultant or take her to a peer support group so someone can check latch and advise on reflux/allergies if that’s what you suspect. Bf is all consuming but the best thing for your baby, so build her up! I’d expect at least one feed overnight, so would try a dream feed if baby is not waking.

I hope you can pull this back from the brink…

This is the only thing that helped me when my baby had silent reflux, buyactivatedcharcoal.com//product-colic-calm.html. It's called Colic Calm Gripe Water.

This is also worth considering.

I'm going to try and find the closest thing to a 'sling library' and go there to see if we can find something that works.

I have never heard of cranial osteopathy before and it might be unique to the UK. However, I saw a video mention a series of symptoms and every single one matched. She tends to look over her right shoulder regardless of position or where light and noise are. She prefers soft bedding. She has a total meltdown every single time she is laid flat to drink milk, but has no issues actually latching. I honestly thought the right shoulder thing might be autism, but this explains it better.

Reflux also sounds right. She starts hiccuping at random and has never enjoyed laying down. Having reflux that's somehow soothed by movement would also explain how an infant knows when she's not in motion.

I don't know how to look for a doctor to explore these issues in this country, the socialist system is bizarre to me, but I do have private insurance, so I'll try and get her and her mother to look into it.

Thank you everybody for your help

Another vote for reflux/allergies. My first year with my first was complete hell, just screaming and vomiting until he exhausted himself to sleep. He didn't sleep at night though... I found the carrier (practice makes perfect), and the appropriate formula and meds (omeprazole for us) life changing, the pain stopped and with it the screaming, and a while after that, the vomit.

Babies like this test everyone. I felt like I was going mad, the constant walking around with boring adult tv on to distract but not excite, the sleeping upright, and required a hefty dose of antidepressants to help calm down. It's not their fault, but it's hard to think rationally with so much screaming.

Have you tried earplugs yet? If you're working you need to concentrate, and if your wife is carrying baby all the time anyway, she won't miss anything, but using plugs to take the high pitched edge off the screaming sound makes a big difference in sanity levels.

I'm pretty surprised your baby girl is not screaming herself to sleep with exhaustion during the day though?

I wouldn't normally say leave a baby to cry but there are times when it can't be helped. It's better than going mad!

My son was like this it was silent reflux. Because of the lack of or very little vomiting I didn't realise, it settled down at 4 months when he went on to a different formula and could roll himself over and spend some time in the jumper. It was very hard work, but parenting is very hard work. And no sooner are they over one tricky phase, you get a small lull and then it's on to the next thing, in my sons case it was cruising the furniture and trying to walk, teething, and weaning frustration, and it's continued that way. If you think a baby crying seems malicious, try being terrorised by a toddler or back chatted by a six year old. They can't help it, until they are about seven years old they are naturally selfish and self orientated, incapable of empathising with their parents or seeing them as separate and distinct individuals with their own needs and wants. Getting a better understanding of the fourth trimester and child development in general would really benefit you here.

You need to get some ear plugs, or some headphones playing white noise, find a solution for now, step up in taking on more of the parenting and try to find a way to accept that you are no longer the most important person in your life. You've got a wife and baby, they come first especially right now in these very early days

Of course the crying isn’t malicious or done to hurt you or your wife! She’s a tiny baby, the parts of her brain that would be able to come up with such a plan haven’t even grown yet.

Please draft in family members, friends and a childminder/babysitter to help out, even just for an hour at a time.

Most of all take comfort in the fact that this stage won’t last. It usually settles within the first few months. The more you reassure and hold your baby, the quicker she’ll start to feel relaxed.

Amazing advice. I should have just agreed with this.

It’s disgusting to read the first couple of pages of this thread, the lack of compassion and nastiness to someone clearly on the brink as a new parent is utterly foul. This situation sounds hellish and enough to break anyone. Attacking the guy for using pretty blunt language is completely unnecessary - perhaps take it as a sign of how desperate he is and not a chance to be catty to a man for the sake of it.

For example the poster tearing him to shreds for daring to say ‘full time mum’ FFS! It’s clearly not meant with any negativity so how about politely mentioning that some people with massive chips on their shoulders find it offensive and it might be better to say she’s a stay at home mum. You can be kind and compassionate to a desperate poster in a horrible situation, it’s like people on here are dickish for some kind of sport ☹️

Im a woman and a mother and I would be losing my marbles at what he has described. If a woman comes on here and says she feels disconnected and resentful of her baby she gets sympathy and support. How about extending the same compassion to a new dad?

@skippingthroughthedaisies we they kind of are, people need to eat, have clean dishes to cook with & eat from, have clean clothes etc. it doesn't happen by magic, but with two parents it's do able!!

@GoldFive you need to see a different Dr. Both of you go & see someone who has a clue.

plus you need some help with how you're thinking about your very young baby!

Hi, I had a pretty high-need baby/toddler (special needs). Don't dismiss the sling idea. I wore my baby in a simple ring sling (super easy to use, really really don't bother with all those complicated slings with straps, instructions etc, just get a ring sling), every moment he was with me until he was about 18 months old. I did absolutely everything with him in the sling.

My first was like this. No medical problems.
He stopped the day he started crawling. I think I've almost blocked out those first awful 8 months.... he's 16 now.