My 3-month-old is going to end our family plans before they begin

[GoldFive]

I am a father and my baby was born in September. I work from home. My wife is a full-time mother. We had plans to have many children but she is about to break.

My daughter is the most high-needs child I have ever seen. She usually sleeps a full night, ever night, but then is awake from morning until 10pm. She requires constant attention.

The main breaking point is that she demands to be held and walked. Constantly. I mean that without any exaggeration. There is about a 30 minute long grace period after she wakes up where she is content to lay down but after that you must be holding her, standing up, and walking. If you sit down, she screams immediately. If you stand still, she screams immediately. If you try to lay down with her, she screams immediately. She demands to be held by the groin or by the thigh with her back to your stomach. She does not want to be held more comfortably facing you. I have repeatedly tried to change this behavior and it doesn't work.

My wife is convinced that letting the baby cry will cause her to grow into a serial killer, so she does not allow it to cry. She will stand and walk with the baby 16 hours a day, every day. Her back hurts, she's in emotional turmoil, and she lashes out at me. She is very frustrated but refuses to let the baby cry. I've insisted that she lay the baby in her crib (especially when she's being walked and crying anyways, because it's not like holding her is even working at that point) and she refuses. The topic is so sore that if I suggest she simply lay the baby down she will shut down and hide in the room with the screaming baby.

My productivity has plummeted. We have an extremely small apartment because we're looking to leave for the US and are saving up as much money as possible. I have no privacy, no peace to work, and I am continuously interrupted to hold the baby so she can even go to the bathroom or put on makeup because the baby's tolerance for not being held and walked is literally zero.

I honestly feel like there's something wrong with her. She is the unhappiest, neediest infant I have ever seen. It feels like she is deliberately trying to ruin my wife's life. The crying feels malicious at this point.

OP says his partner is at breaking point and your response is 'ahh she is such a good mother'?!

Nothing more supportive of a woman who sounds like she is on the edge?

Feminism has a way to go....

We buy stuff from Amazon constantly to see if anything else helps. They get returned the same day. Nothing helps.

You're hardly giving anything a chance to help if you return it the same day, are you? You can't expect instantaneous results from anything, really.

I think some posters have not experienced what you have OP. I have. It is hideous.

Has she been prescribed omeprazole for the reflux? Because she needs it. She may also have cow's milk protein allergy. Has your wife gone dairy/soy free or have you tried dairy free formula?

You are welcome to PM me if you like. We are nearly 9 months in and there have been times I have wanted to curl up into a ball and die quietly. However, things are slowly getting better for us.

Good luck.

Go to a pediatrician and ask about the possibility of cow's milk protein allergy

Also google the third trimester

She's a baby. She may be extremely high needs, but it may be that actually there's just a massive expectation gap between ideal and reality of being a parent. Possibly a bit of both.

But it does end. They get older.

My first nearly broke us. We still had a second. Hang in there and do everything you can to support your wife, including psychological help if she's facing PND as a result (I did)

Agree with both of these things.

If you can afford to, see an osteopath about the reflux. There may be other issues they can help you with too.

Using a sling meant I could carry on with life with both my babies, they were clingy but not to the extent you talk about. It may give you a little freedom and peace.

Assume you've tried things like singing?

@GoldFive that all sound very difficult and from the language you’re using I don’t think it is just your wife who is at breaking point.

Of course, every baby is different but that amount of crying and needing to be comforted does sound excessive to me. I would keep going back to your healthcare provider to ensure there isn’t some kind of underlying problem be it digestive or auditory etc.

In terms of your wife’s sanity, it might be helpful to have a conversation about small things that can be done to help. You are of course working from home but you are entitled to a break and lunch etc. Could you hold the baby while she pops to the loo or gets a drink and then she has the baby back so you get a bit of the break yourself…could you plan these in advance so she knows there are points to break up the day. That being said, whilst I wouldn’t avocate leaving a baby to cry for extended periods of time, it won’t hurt your baby to be left for a couple of minutes while your wife pops to the loo or to get a drink; she must look after herself as her health does directly impact the wellbeing of the baby.

Finally, I couldn’t see it in your previous posts, have you tried a sling? This would allow the baby to be close to mum whilst moving but mum has her arms free.

I must also say, if you feel at breaking points, both of you, you should seek help for post natal depression. No one will judge you and it does sound difficult.

yes that all sounds very typical of silent reflux (never has a condition been more inappropriately named). I'd go back to the doctor, or even better a different one, and ask for her to be medicated. It was ranitidine for mine but you can't get that now.

Well, I agree with the sling. We got it today, she tried it on, said she hate it, then threw it on the ground. The baby didn't seem too sure of it either, but she refuses to give it a chance. It was the most expensive one on Amazon too. We've tried a cloth one but that one is so hard to get on and off it defeats the purpose.

All the other stuff we tried for a longer time. The rocking chair in the corner of the room is still taking up space even though she hates it.

I've never heard of a 'sling library', I don't know if that's a thing here. I'll look into it.

Oh and to state the obvious - your wife has a breastfeeding, crying newborn, so all chores are on your to do list, not hers!

The crying seems somewhat normal for that age, I'm sorry. My eldest was like this except she woke every two hours to feed throughout the night. She is a beautiful and happy 9 year old now but is still much more demanding of my time than my younger daughter and doesn't really have an 'off button'. I understand how stressful it is, but it isn't usual to consider a three month old in any way capable of malice. At this age their only goal is to get their needs met. The need to be held in order to develop a secure attachment is very strong in some babies. Please if either of you feel unable to cope, do speak tona doctor or even a trusted friend. Everything is a phase and this too shall pass.

OP, I think you need to seek some mental health support. Your language around your baby and this situation sounds like that of someone who is burnt out (and little wonder; parenting is hard). It sounds like your wife is also burning out and could benefit from some MH support, too.

There have been some sound suggestions re potential medical conditions it could be. It's unfortunate, but most of the time you have to be extremely persistent with GPs to get taken seriously/believed, when you're reporting something out of the norm (not that a high needs baby is abnormal, but as you say, people assume you're exaggerating when you report that baby cannot be put down at all when awake). Persist with the doctor. Make notes with timings of what happens (if you can) to back you up.

I know this probably isn't helpful but you are not unique. You are not the first or last, this is actually quite common. In fact you probably have it better than many parents if your dd is sleeping through. Many put up with this shit day AND night. I'm not saying it's easy, obviously it's not. But it will pass.

You're describing a normal 3 month old. No alarm bells for me with the baby - but many for you and your Partner.

You need to go to the GP urgently for yourself.

Are you in the UK? Even if there isn't one local to you there are ones that do postal hires. They are a very personal thing and there are so many types that it is good to try different ones in person.

How about a post natal doula for practical and emotional support?

Just a little shoutout to @lawandgin to keep faith. I had two CMPA/reflux babies who wouldn’t sleep and were miserable 24/7.
Totally empathise with anyone who goes through this as it’s soul destroying.

Ignore anyone who says having a newborn is the east bit- they clearly haven’t had the same experience at all.
They’re now 7 and 9 and utterly delightful.
15 months onwards it got happier and better. You will get there!

Definitely look into cranial osteopathy. It's very very gentle (I've had it myself) and it had a huge impact for my friend's baby after just one session.

Your baby sounds exhausted if she doesn't sleep at all during the day. My ds1 was the same at that age, always cried if he wasn't feeding. It is difficult but babies aren't malicious, some just cry more than others.

@spiderlight just about to say the same ! Did wonders for my kids

'It?'

Despicable person.

@trampoline123 don't be so cruel. I felt just like OP in the first year of my eldest and I had the benefit of maternal hormones too. Her illness and screaming made me mentally very unwell. If you've never dealt with almost constant crying for months on end you really have no idea how bad it is.

Yes as @Potatosaladfiend I highly suspect this will be undiagnosed allergies.
OP any skin conditions additionally? You've said there's reflux and gastric issues. I bet it's cmpa

My Grandmother had 16 children, and she used to say of babies like yours "They need to be laid down, constant carrying makes their little bones ache". I just thought "another old wives tale" until my fourth baby, when my husband insisted that I must eat at least one meal without trying to calm a screaming baby at the same time. That was when we discovered she liked to cry for 5-10 mins before falling asleep. She slept through the night from 7 days old.

At 3 months old most babies want to be held close. The solution is baby wearing, you can then get on with your day. She is only 3 months, it's gets a lot easier once they can hold their heads and get interested in toys

She does sleep through the night. Wife has complained about sleep regression recently. She would breastfeed 3 times a night before, but I am told she breastfeeds every 30 minutes right now.

This doesn't make any sense! Is she sleeping through the night? Or feeding 3 times a night? Or feeding every 30 minutes? If she's feeding in the night then she's not sleeping through! Is she sleeping in the day? How frequently is she feeding in the day?

Your wife should try cutting out all dairy for a few weeks and seeing if that helps. And if she's really awake all day then you need to find a way to sort daytime naps