Oct 2007 - This little piggy had none (sleep that is!)

[alicet]

Hello ladies!

Well here is the new thread so I can link it before the old one runs out... Hope you all find it!

Ok ladies, this is going to be long but i need to get it out before i explode.

I met my ds1's sperm donor in 1995 the following year we got together and the year after that I fell pg with ds1. Throughout pg now ex would tell me how he wanted ds1 to be called Gess as opposed to Jess which is what he and his ex were going to call their child if she hadn't had an abortion. I refused and asked my mum to pick a name which she did. Also thoughout pg he would tell me how i was fat and ask me if it was any wonder he would rather wank over page 3 girls than have sex with me, along with this came the beatings which progressed from when we argued to hom having a bad day at work, or his footy team losing...basically any reason. I had ds1 in 1998 and for a cple of months things were ok then the beatings started again along with the verbal abuse and him running me down so much i had no confidence. Sad to say the thing that gave me the confidence to get him out was the attention i started getting from another man...who turned out to be married i didn't know for a cple months. So i called police one day and got ex out, ds1 was 22 months old. I did my best for them to have a relationship but ex would do things which he knew would annoy me for instance instead of bringing him home at 5pm it would be 9 and he wouldnt have had any dinner so i was left with a hungry tired grump 2yr old. Eventually i gave ex a choice take care of him properly when he was in his care or stay away and stop being so evil to him. He then started taking ds1 to his mums on visiting day, now at the time ds1 would not eat anything but chicken, he would be returned to my parents or me with a bag of biscuits and a bottle of coke. I had to put a stop to it and told ex he could see ds1 but things had to change, ds1 was then coming up to 3yrs old and told me he didn't like calling him dad as when he was with him he spent more time with his other son than being a dad to him..not in those exact words mind. I tried my best to convince ds1 he should call him dad but he refused nd called him by his name....I did try to stop this. A few months later after always returning distressed ds1 said to me " i don't want to see him again" I tried to convince him he should etc but every sunday he would do something to prevent going even deliberatly wetting himself just before he was due to be collected, throwing his shoes out the window, soaking the clothes i got ready for him in the bath along with many other things. We moved and regardless of what i did or said ds1 refused to see his father, so i started inviting him to our home for the visits, UNTIL the day I cooked a sunday dinner and because i shunned his propositions he threw the dinner down and told ds1 he was going to leave and take his ds1 to the park. I was furious for this, He then began sitting outside ds1's school and telling him he would kill me and take him away...ds1 refused to go to school, sleep, and the bad behaviour started. Now ds1 is 9 1/2 yrs old, the bad behaviour has got to the point that he thinks he is big enough to hit me, screams so loud that last week we had the police in the flat and he told them, i know what i am doing i can stop if i want to but i don't want to yet. I am at my wits end especially as now ds1 has got it into his head that ex is best thing since sliced bread and told me tonight he wants to go and live with him, its as if he has forgotten all he did to him and out it all on me. He tells people i have no respect for my mum she won't let me see my dad, but i don't stop him i have spent the last 4 weeks emailing, phoning and texting him but have no reply. I don;t know where he lives or anything else....I am in tears most of the day and i know this is not good for ds2 4 months. Tonight ds1 has ripped me out of a photo, smashed a garage i bought him when i had ds2, told me he wants to either live with his dad or go into care and all this started because i asked him to empty the dishwasher???????????? what am i to do?

What a nightmare les i really feel for you, don't know what i'd do in your position. I think you could do with some sort of help to sort this out but nit sure where from, sure someone else on here might have a suggestion. I'm sure there is a sollution though and it won't always be like this and this will pass. Please don't worry, i'm sure it'll get sorted out. Gotta go now, ds teething and crying, chin up

tLES - What a nightmare you have been through I would post here on mnet first asking for COD or Custardo. Both are good with advice for boys and teenagers -I know your ds 1 is nearly ten but he is bright. If they can't help then someone else would be around soon to post.

They do say you hurt the ones you love which is no comfort for you day to day but have it at the back of your mind. Kids do tend to kick off where it is safe, where they know what will happen. They test the rules and I think (I don't know) he's testing your love. ('Will she leave me too?') Also he could be doing the 'I'll get you before you get me' kind of thing. Insecurities can make us do really weird things sometimes.

If I were you the first thing I would try is to, in no uncertain terms, NOT raise your voice to him, not argue with him. Be as a calm as you can (This is so easy for me to say I don't have to do it so I know you may laugh at me!) Don't give him the argument he wants as he's then in control by hurting you with what he says.

What does school say about the situation or is he okay there?

morning everyone. les - doesn't sound like you're having a good time at all. I would imagine that you're past the point of calm reasoning with DS?? Could you take him out somewhere for a treat, just the two of you and try and calmly put forward how you feel about the situation, the reality of it and see what he comes back with? If he wants to make adult decisions etc, maybe some gentle adult talking would make him feel like he was being considered.....he's had a pretty rough time too I would think with his 'dad' and probably feels so mixed up. I do think you probably need some outside help though, even if it is to mediate a conversation. I feel for you though - do whatever it takes to stay strong so you can look after yourself and DS2. Easier said that n done I know,but we're here any time you want to shout.

how is everyone else? hope nights were better and that those teething are ok?? and big well done to everyone losing weight - I have seriously got to address that too, esp as it's Madeleine's christening in 2 weeks

we had a better few nights - she does 3 4 hour blocks if that makes sense (7.30 -11/12, 12-4 and then 4.30 -8) so really can't complain. Is anyone else's LO still waking for feeds at least twice??

right - her patience is running out. better go. have a good day everyone

LES;I so feel for you...was ds1s behaviour this bad before ds2 became a reality? Is all this confrontation just a very dramatic cry for attention (labling himself the bad boy because attention for bad behaviour is better than none)as everything he is doing is designed to get to you.I agree with you that something as to be done soon, because the next obvious thing that will "get to you" is a threat to the baby, from the way ds1s behaviour is spiralling, is this a possibility ?.
The only advice I can offer, apart from a family councellor, is a book about "shaping" other peoples behaviour called "Don't shoot the dog" (dont worry its not about dog training)...the basics are you watch for every tiny little thing that he does that you like and praise it, hugely, dramatically generously....(gradually you can praise a little less for a little more compliance)...but more importantly, you totally ignore the behaviour you dont want ....so if he screams, you walk away and leave the room, leave the house if necessary but remove the object of his aggression, "you"...confrontation is difficult if there is no one to confront....but if he picks up a dirty cup you thank him warmly,go a bit over the top in showing that you appreciate his help...though you might have to start with smaller things than that, like turning on the telly....Theauthor of the book goes round America teaching the techniques to teenagers wh, she claims, then go home and "shape" their sibings into cleaning their rooms for them and "shape" their parents into giving them more pocket money. I hope you find a solution soon that leaves you all happy.

hi guys, haven't read anything, just needed to post so i can find you later, had a good time at Alton Towers, but came down with flu on Mon and had to drive home when my legs wouldn't work properly. am gutted as i'm, meant to be out to night for sil's birthday but there's no way i can make it and i had so much to do this week and not done anything. FT-looks like it'll be next week when i manage to post the nappies, is that ok? sorry for the me me me post-i'm feeling very sorry for myself.

tLES - I really, really feel for you ... to get some immediate support, I strongly suggest you contact family services in your local council - it's not a sign of weakness to ask for help.

I can only echo what the others have said - this may well be his way of getting your attention now that the baby is on the scene. Try to stay calm - don't raise your voice to him, and remove yourself (and the baby) from the room when he starts acting up - tell him that you will talk to him when he calms down.

Thinking of you.

LES - my goodness yo are a strong and patient lady to have coped so well this far. I echo what everyone else has said. I'm nowhere near being qualified to give you any kind of advice on what to do, but we're all here on MN to support you.

I guess its easy for us to tell you to stay calm, but when you're in the thick of it, its such a hard thing to do, esp when ds1 is saying such cruel things.

Maybe if you spend some time on your own, or doing something that you enjoy and relaxes you, you may be able to cope with the stresses better.. or find the strength to anyway.
Thinking of you
xxxxxxx

LES - so sorry that you are having such an awful time. He is obviously frustrated about something and kicking off is the only way he knows how to express this frustration - not that that helps you very much at all. Is there another adult that he gets on well with that you could get to talk to him? I found that young people at the youth club i used to work at found it helpful to talk to someone who wasn't their parent or a teacher - someone who would listen to them and could help them see something from a different perspective.
Also, there's a website here that has a helpline for parents to call - perhaps you would find it helpful to talk to someone and they could recommend some family counselling?

J20 - hope you are feeling better soon

Hi all

Well, I went to the talkfirst baby signing group to see what it's like and I thought it was fab! The puppet was great and the children loved it. I could defintely see myself doing that. I have a meeting with the director tomorrow as we are up north picking Ollie up and it turns out she's only 30 mins away from Gatley. Dh is coming too as he wants to know the ins and outs of the financial side.

I also found out which school Ollie has been given today and it isn't good news. We didn't get our first or second choice so he has been given a third school I wouldn't have even considered. I have 2 neighbours also applying and one got the nearest school to us, (1st choice for me) the other didn't get her 1st choice either but has been given a place in an excellent school. SO 3 4yr olds living not 15 yards from each other have been sent to 3 different schools. My son getting the 'not so good' school. Phoned Dh to have a rant about it and he said that we're definately keeping him at the private school.
Just seems crazy to me, there are 2 schools within walking distance yet we get sent to another much further away??? We would have to car it everyday so we may as well car it to the school he's at now.

SO much for bloody choice!!

Sorry not been around - family stuff going on. Hope to catch up with everyone soon.

hey stefka, hope everything is ok, speak soon

Hi all

LES - no advice from me either but lots of hugs and I think you do need to speak to a professional who can help.

Stefka, hope everything is okay. We missed you!

Alicet, did your laptop cable die?? You've gone oddly silent.

Muppet, I can't understand the current school allocation system anywhere! We want to move somewhere within a catchment area of a good school but can't get a sensible reply from the relevant councils as to which school a certain postcode would imply, which I now understand if it's really just a lottery. But is it really just a lottery or are there politics at play? It makes me already and lo's only three months. I went to an okayish school, just below average in national league tables, and went to Cambridge - I'm not snobby about schools but I hate the idea of lo at a sink school... and I wish their rationale for allocation made sense..

Okay rant over! Odd week here - Rebecca had three nights of SCREAMING in apparent pain. Went to docs finally and he suggested it was a reaction to her 12 week jabs. It makes sense because her poo pattern changed too after the jabs - she was very prolific and is now much less so. Fingers crossed no screaming tonight.

Valentines day: I bought lots of seafood from M and S and bread and salad, and pink champagne, and then choc desserts, but Rebecca was sleep refusing (albeit not screaming) so it was less than romantic and relaxed!

Anyasmum, glad it was okay last week.

Dal - hurrah on the weight gain!
Okay got to go now but hugs to you all and sorry I havent mentioned everyone by name!

Muppet; Sorry and about the school allocation system..so frustrating...we moved to an area with an exceptional school at then end of our road in the hope that any child we might have would be able to go there...ridiculous isnt it that in 3-4 yrs time we may not get a place there?

Choc; deep, deep sympathy for Rebecca and for you poor little mite, and poor you. And with you on the less than romantic valentines dinner..Alex played gooseberry at our living room picnic too!

Alex must be on a growth spurt...eating like a the chid of the year of the pig that he is and upping his night feeds from 2 to 3 or 4. I've been reading a bit on baby led weaning and advice is that it is likely to just be a phase ("it will pass")...could do with it passing sooner rather than later Off to bed now as he's not napping for more than 10 mins at a time during the day either so I need to sleep when he does...it will pass...it will pass...it will pass...

Evening all
Just quickly popping by to say hello - have a busy day tomorrow so need to go to bed!
Muppet - have you asked if Ollie's name can go on the waiting list for your first and second preference schools? I used to work with the people that did admissions, and this was the system we had - though it may have changed now, and might not be the same for your council. It doesn't mean you would get a place, but perhaps worth a try? You can also appeal against the decision. Email me if you want to discuss any further!
Choc/Floria - we too bought our house in the catchment of good schools, but i fully expect the government to have made councils change all their admissions procedures by the time we actually get to that stage, and therefore make our more expensive house worthless....
DS had his third set of injections today. So far so good, though he has wanted to feed every two hours, and has been very cuddly (boobs don't like the feeding, but i like the cuddles!)
See you all soon

I forgot to say to J20 - hope you're feeling better today. Lots of hugs!

V quickly from me - would appreciate your advice on this

Am hiding from PiLs ... excuse is that I'm sorting out tomorrow's lesson for Sunday School - do you think I can make that excuse last all afternoon?

muppett - thats crap about the schools. Whats the point in moving to a good area where the schools are supposed to be better if you can't get a look in. Esp if you only a short walk away!!

On another note.. i was snooping around on the weaning threads (as you do) and i just couldn't believe how horrible and aggressive some people are on MN!! They really went to town on this poor lady who was simply asking a question about early weaning. They called her a bad mother and all sorts. Bit much, even if you don;t agree with early weaning.

Old work friend coming for lunch tomorrow - really looking forward to it.

EJT;Sorry not to have been on earlier to reply to your thread, and sorry you had a bad time out shopping...hope you found rescue remedy a help. I have been using it regularly (diluted in water)throughout my pregnancy and since Alex was born to help cope with our berevements and to combat pnd. Hope you were able to avoid the pils for most of their visit

Les; hope you are getting the help you need and that things improve soon

J20; Hope you are feeling better [cup of lemsip and sympathy emoticon]

Mine; it is shocking how militant some people are about weaning isnt it?

Hope everyone is having a good weekend...I actually had a good couple of hours hacking back the overgrown shrubs in our garden whie dh baby sat....it was quite theraputic, if not exactly a cure for sleep deprivation
Oh and my home made hug-a-bub (6 metres of jersey bought off e-bay for 99p a metre) was a terrific sucess today...I was able to do the whole of the walk with dh and the dog this morning I'm normally restricted by the pram which cant do steps or the sling that does my back in so cant do the long way round the reservoir and today Alex was warm and comfy and fell asleep half way round

Hi all

Have just looked at catcment areas and they all overlap. We are equidistant to the 1st 2 schools I put down but we have been allocated a place in a third school further away but they lady on the phone said we were still in the catchment area. Our neighbour asked what number their child was on the waiting list and they said 13th.

There is an evening were we can go along to talk to the admissions team so I think I will. Dh has washed his hands and says this is my bee to fight as he wants Ollie to go to the private school anyway. I feel if we don't complain then the complaint isn't recorded and it looks like everyone is happy. I feel I need to complain as others don't have a choice. I know we are lucky we do but that shouldn't mean we don't make our views known iyswim. If I would have thought for even a second we would have got in (I was sensible and put the nearest schools down) at the best school which is very far away I would but I though it would be a waste of a choice as it's very popular. I would have been very happy for Olls to go there.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!

Had a meeting with the Talkfirst people to re the franchise and it still looks a goer. Have more paperwork to go through first though.

Mine - I saw that thread too. They were incredibly rude and saying that anyone who goes against the WHO's guidlines are simply bad mothers -wtf!!! My Henry is regularly downing 9oz bottles and theri answer is to give him more milk -should I make 2 bottles for every feed now so he can have 10ozs? 11ozs??

Ejt - not sure will ask my phamacist BIL to be...

Strawberry - will email you for advice if that's okay x

Alice - are you okay??

Inzi - Are you okay???

Les - hope things are a little calmer for you...sending you >

Floria - good news on the homemade hugabub adn well done for tackling the garden - do you want to come and do mine now?

Sorry those I haven't mentioned, thinking of you all
x

Hello all and sorry I have been absent!

Firstly the laptop cable is well dodgy and it keeps cutting out. Seem to have it in a good position now though so fingers crossed...

Also my Mum has been here this week. It was fab to see her. Then I had a bit of an 'I can't cope!!!' meltdown on Thurs so she stayed an extra couple of nights. I have been totally shattered as Adam is waking at 11, 2 and 5 needing feeding at the mo and despite dh doing the 11pm feed it's really taking it out of me. 12 hours of sleep on Thurs night courtesy of dh and mum looking after Adam worked wonders and I'm now back on track

We too had a romatic carpet picnic for valentines day although it was last night as my mum was here on Thurs in the end. Yes it was me who did it at NYE anyasmum!

LES really feel for you honey. Nothing to add to the great advice you've already had but sending you big hugs abd want you to know I'm thinking of you...

J2O hope you're feeling better...

Muppet at the stupid school allocation system. What a farce. Up here its basically down to as the crow flies disance from the school and we will get Sam into the school we want on an average year - we needed to check about that before we started thinking about extending our house.

MrsFish well donw on the weight loss! Fab news! Hope the boys are behaving better now...

Ejt off to check out your other thread. And I don't think you need any excuse to hide from pils!

Hello Floria, Choc, Mine, Strawberry, Nellie and anyone else I haven't already mentioned...

Think that was the gist of it - only been skim reading as a lot to catch up on though. Will be on again as soon as poss but might be a bit sporadic until I get a new laptop cable!

LES - sorry you're having such a bad time. I can only echo what the others have said - it sounds like ds1's head is totally messed up, not surprising given your ex - counselling seems like a good option.

Have only skim-read posts so hello to everybody.

Have had a difficult few days. Anya started crying Thursday lunchtime and didn't stop until she cried herself to sleep. Then she'd wake up half an hour later and start again - and she was taking hardly any milk. Even Thursday night she was waking up every 2-3 hours crying and she NEVER wakes at night. So off to the doctors Friday first thing - GP reckoned we'd overdone the baby rice. It says on the Boots packets that they can have 3 tablespoons from 4 months - she'd eat about 3/4 of that twice a day - any less and she'd cry for more. GP nearly fell off her chair when I told her . She thinks Anya's eyes are way bigger than her stomach, so no more baby rice for her until she's settled and then only tiny tiny bits until her stomach's used to it. I didn't know you could overdo baby rice - I thought that was the point, that it was really easy to digest. Oh well, you live and learn.

Anyway, she has been better over the weekend - she's pooing quite a bit and is very windy from both ends (sorry if tmi!) so something's getting sorted out in there!

Just getting ready now to go to the hospital for her sleep study. Still don't really know what that's going to entail, other than they are somehow measuring her oxygen intake while she sleeps. We're supposed to be in all night - don't know if they actually need us there for that long though if she wakes up. ENT consultant has already said the result will be normal so all just a formality really .

Hope everybody had good weekend

PS as you can imagine, the romantic picnic didn't happen!

Just read back a bit - Alice, glad you're feeling better now - it's amazing what a bit of sleep can do isn't it?

hi all,
sorry I've been awol! Have missed loads I know... is there a London meetup or have I missed that too?
Big R (as we now know him) has been keeping me busy.
Have only just got him to sleep at night in his cot (my fault really - just loved co sleeping!) and he's still waking regularly, have moved to bottles now, as he is 17lb, and I couldn't breastfeed all day long (which he was wanting to do)
Think he is teething at the moment, had a few really screamy days/nights which is very tiring.
Otherwise he is a gorgeous, funny little fella, and I'm really enjoying him. His sister and brother love him to pieces, I feel very lucky.

Hope you are all well, and will try and pop by a bit more - Big R allowing!