Hello. Thanks again for your support, it cheers me up no end. I'll try to answer some questions. My thoughts are all over the place so I may be a bit rambling.
I def don't have mrsa. It's taken a week but the doctor rang me to say the sputum test showed up I did have a ch inf. Thing is I'm a bit better now. So I'll get the script and keep it for the next time they won't treat me. Dh has not taken ad's for a few weeks now. He says that he is feeling new emotions that he hasn't felt in 2 years. He knows he is difficult to get along with at the moment. I'm desperately hoping things will stabilise for him soon.
Noone really to babysit. That day we met up, we were all invited to a friend's 40th. Dh decided that just him and ds1 would go as we'd been out all day. It would have been a rare night out for me. Pil babysat for a xmas dinner/dance but other than that we've not had a night out together in years. Pil are too frail to help out now, esp fil who is on oxygen. After the dc have gone to bed? Dh and I usually spend the evening in separate rooms. So not much conversation at all. I didn't get my break over the weekend. He slept in till gone 10 both days. He did do some jobs though that he's been wanting to do for a while, like erecting a climbing frame someone gave us. That's a good sign I think.
About Liam's weight. Decided not to go this week as summoned. If the hv is that bothered she can come here. Shoulder to shoulder lolly! Been trying to be better with the dc. Still can't shake off this inferiority thing that's going on though. Hopefully as you say they will remember the best of me not the worst. Decided morning routines run much better when dh is not here. Can muddle through on my own but when he's here there's too much tension. I try to get ready the night before, but there's usually some hiccup in the morning,eg, a nappy change, a tantrum or something remembered for sch at the last minute.
Still not sleeping. Don't think I'm made of kryptonite. More like an easter egg. Hard on the outside. Empty inside. I'd melt if only he'd handle me. But i'm stuck in the box. God, I talk some crap sometimes. I've not gone back to the drs about my mood. Call me paranoid, but I've got this crazy notion that they don't believe a word I say. That maybe has something to do with not being believed I'd inhaled something for over a year. I tried it once and the dr said there is no treatment because I'm bf. Quite clearly you can have ad's and bf, as hopey's ref proved. But for some reason she chose not to treat me, prob didn't believe me.
I tried to have a discussion with dh about how we're both feeling. It didn't go terribly well. He can say what his problem is with me, fair enough, but has trouble understanding me. When asked to empathise with me he says he doesn't want to. About relate, I've suggested it before but no joy. He sees the problems as my fault so no need for 'relationship' counselling. However, I did think we were getting somewhere the other day. He asked for help writting an important email. So we got on with it and together worked really well. But today we're rowing again. Two steps forward, three steps back.
He's not always been this unsupportive. The real dh is warm hearted, genorous, funny, kind, strong, loving, caring, intelligent and sympathetic. And I love that person very much. I know he's still in there but I can't always find him. It's difficult loving someone when you know and have loyalties for a different person to that which you see. I'm not giving up on him. We'll grow old together. Just having a rough time just now. Hate too say it but the dynamics changed after ds1 was born and then abruptly again when I quit full time employment.
So there I go again, a mega post all about me. You've all been so fabulous saying such kind things to and about me. It's so reassuring knowing I have such lovely non-judgemental friends. I am surrounded by friends in rl but feel I can't open up to them. So thank you very much. I'm particularly touched by the things you said about little ryan. He is a little star (perfect second born!) and it makes me proud to hear such lovely things. Oh, Sean's rehearsal went well, confidence is such that he thinks he is freddie mercury reincarnated. He keeps bragging to everyone that as lead singer he is entitled to the most and best girlfriends of the band. Erm, think I might need to have a chat about freddie and 'girlfriends'.