Elderberries no 2 - all old and new berry babies welcome!

[HazleNutt]

New thread!

The sleep routine I'm trying says a morning nap, midday nap and either a very short or no afternoon nap. So I'm trying to stick to that and prefer it if she doesn't nap from around 3 onwards ideally (I'm not being strict or stressed about it though).

What I'm still not sure about is the dream feed though - recommended but I can never bring myself to wake her! Plus I often go to bed at half nine for example, so it would still mean disturbed sleep for me. So if the only purpose of a dream feed is to make life easier for parents, it wouldn't in my case. Does anyone know the purpose of the dream feed timing?

Oh and meant to say long may it last hazle and glad that's helped things!

Alex I thought a dream feed didn't involve waking? I can feed Edie without her opening her eyes/waking, tho that may be because she is so young

S is a very alert baby - and can get upset at night. During the day these days, she's a really cheerful baby but at night she usually wakes us by crying. So I think I'd run the risk of waking her, although to be fair I never do it so I'm not sure. I also thought surely if I do a dream feed, she'll need her next feed sooner so might wake earlier in the morning. Just struggling to see the purpose of it?

Alex I think the DF is supposed to make the baby sleep longer before waking for the first night feed and it assumes you are feeding before you go to bed about 10.30pm, so if you go to bed earlier I presume you just feed earlier? I did one for a while and worked out that it bought me a maximum of one extra hour before she woke so just wasn't worth it, but I think it works great for a lot of babies. Another one of those trial and error things to find out if it works for you. Would S definitely wake if you tried it? E used to stir but didn't fully wake when I DF her and would always go straight back down afterwards.

Hazle FX that you've sorted your problem and V goes to bed better after a shorter nap.

E spent the whole night in her cot last night for the first time in over a week so FX for the same tonight.

merk mine returned pretty early, I had a coil fitted at around 10 werks post birth though so that has made me more prepared as its a bit sporadic and unpredictable at the mo.

alex, I did introduce a df before I went to bed, easier for me as I didnt even have to move him from his cot, just put the bottle on his bottom lip and he would automatically open his mouth and drink, plus as it was very controlled drinking there was no need to wind. But as he was so tired an not really hungry he didnt take much and it was a bit pointless, if I wait for his first wake up he will usually drink properly then fall asleep of his own accord, seems to work better for us and gets us more sleep. DFs work amazingly for some though.

Oh and H usually naps at 9.30, 1ish (although that varies) and 4ish, he then goes to bed at 8.30/9ish. If I try to stop him napping he gets overtired and grouchy and then wont sleep later on. He sometimes even naps at 6ish but I try to limit it to 15/20 minutes though. None of hia daytime naps are over 45 mins though so I'm never really worried he'll sleep too much during the day, my child is never in danger of sleeping too much little sleep dodger that he is.

Well I am shattered after yet another night of pretty much hourly wanting to feed, complete a 20 min session of her practising her best shrieking at 4am. The shrieking is driving me a bit bonkers - it is an excited/enthusiastic shriek, but she has been doing it nearly all day for a few days. She's also wanting to be standing up nearly all the time too, and whines and contorts if we sit her down. Honestly, it feels like someone has swapped my easy-going baby for another one who is far more on the go. Bloody leaps.
In other news, it seems DP has got shingles :( so he can't come swimming today which he has been looking forward to all week, plus we are having to be hyper vigilant about him not giving DD chicken pox. This has all come at a pretty bad time as I go into rehearsals tmw and the next 3 weeks are going to be pretty stressful and full on.

Hello Elderberries! I feel really cheeky re-appearing like this after my very long absence & I hope you remember me & can forgive me. I had to come off Mumsnet when I was pregnant as although I had a totally smooth ride I really found that I was looking for things to go wrong all the time when I read about other people's issues in my due date group. Anyway I had a perfectly healthy DS on 5 Jan so he is now 4 months old & I am now very cheekily turning to the berries for advice again as I don't know where else to turn. The baby is a dream so no issues there but my relationship with my DP is falling apart. He says all I talk about is DS & he feels totally excluded & useless as I am pretty much EBF. The thing is that he never offers to do anything with DS & sometimes when I've asked he's refused as it's not convenient at that time. We had an almighty row last night which ended with me leaving the house to sit in a service station for an hour as I didn't know where else to go. This morning he asked me to leave (though I don't think this was serious) but I refused as he wanted DS to stay with him. He split up with his ex w when their son was 6m old & I'm worried it's history repeating. I'm at my wits end now as how to fix things as the rows are getting more frequent & more vicious. Is 4m a difficult time for OHs do you think or just mine? Sorry to offload but I don't want to talk to anyone in RL as I'm hoping to patch things up.

Oh Frog that sounds rubbish (apart from your little boy - congrats and welcome back!).. It is one of the most stressful times for your relationship - but also I would say that there's no reason that EBF dads can't be hands on if they've got the right mindset and support a BF mum/baby really well. I asked DP and he said yes there is a certain powerlessness that comes about due to not being able to help out more eg he can't put the baby to bed unless I have expressed, but he said your OH sounds like he's made a rod for his own back and I'm inclined to agree. It sounds like he is being unreasonable, not you, but that's not very helpful in terms of where you go from here, I'm aware, sorry. I know a few other people have had a bumpy ride with their OHs so hopefully they will be able to advise

Thanks Quod. I think part of the problem may be that he actually was bloody useless through no fault of his own for the first 3 weeks after J was born as he was non-weight bearing on crutches. He couldn't even bring me a glass of water. Couple that with a tongue-tied weight losing baby which put me on a 3 hourly feed & express regime & the first few weeks were hell. I had to do everything for DS & DP so he felt incredibly guilty & useless but doesn't seem to want to get over that now.

Oh that must have been really hard, and I can see how it might have ingrained some difficult habits to break. But babies change all the time so maybe there's an opportunity to evolve a new routine together? Could he do eg bath, story and bedtime bottle in the evening? Could he get J up in the morning and give him a bottle or get him dressed? If your baby will take a bottle it makes it easier to share the care. Could you start a regular commitment eg swimming once a week so DH has a regular shift just him and the baby? I'm thinking if its stuff you've sat down and agreed beforehand then he can't decide it's not convenient or complain that he's not as involved as he'd like to be.

It's good that you can see the root of his guilt too. Do you think it might have also stirred up strong memories of his first time parenting where he might have been less than exemplary too? I think sometimes when people feel a bit shit about themselves they often behave like even more of a shit just to prove their inner critic right, iyswim?!

Hi Frog and welcome back! Congratulations on the birth of your DS! No need to apologise, folks are free to come and go here as they please Some very sound advice from Quod there and I haven't got much more to add other than to extend my sympathies that you're having a tough time, and to agree that having a baby completely changes the dynamics in your relationship and sometimes it really can be hard work to keep things afloat, so you are certainly not alone in having difficulties. It does sound like your OH is jealous of your relationship with your DS, but that is his issue rather than yours and he is the only person who can change his outlook on what he sees as a problem.

Huge sympathies Quod, that really does sound shit. It's probably just a phase and in a few weeks will be a distant memory, but for the time being is undoubtedly awful. Damn babies, hey?

quod that sounds tough, hope you got more sleep last night!

frog hello and welcome back! Congrats on your ds I'm afraid I am also finding that my relationship is going through a really rough patch, my oh just has no idea, and we are ff so he has ample opportunity to help but would rather I did it all. quod gave some fab advice, perhaps let him have certain set jobs, bath time is a good one as is getting him up in the morning and changing him. Think he needs to know what is expected and feel like he has his own role. I need to take my own advice and sit down and discuss things with my oh but I find he gets so defensive and just cant be ars@d to put myself through it.

p.s H finally slept through, fx he is coming out the other side of this leap!

On my first wake-up here at 3.30am - cross your fingers for me that we are coming out the other side of the bad bit!

Everything crossed for you quod!! H woke at 1 and 5 after his night of sleeping through, not too bad tho, if we can make it 1 and 6.30/7 I'll be a happy mum!

quod how was the rest of the night?

S did well - 7pm bed, short 3am feed, 6am up for the day. Very pleased with that!

frog sorry you're having relationship troubles. It can be tough on relationships, mainly the sleep deprivation for me personally, but DH is as besotted with S as I am and that makes a big difference as he doesn't complain about the amount of attention she obviously needs. I find being patient is the challenge - and I don't want to have arguments in front of S so I really try my best to keep things calm and positive.

I think it's normal for guys to feel a bit powerless - the boob is what calms her down, she often stares at me when he's holding her, we spend more time with them. I make sure I keep saying she's a daddy's girl and other ways of making him feel he's a big part of what we're doing (thanked him this morning for going to work every day so I can spend time with her). So I guess in terms of constructive advice, making sure they feel valued and a part of it is a good idea.

I'm absolutely not blaming you btw, I agree it sounds like he's the one who needs to pull himself together and change his attitude. Good luck with it and sympathies you're having a rough time.

Hi frog welcome back. We seem to chat a lot more on our secret fb group these days so if you want to join us there pm me your full name and I will add you.
I think a few of us have had relationship problems - and I personally went away for 10 days with baby so as dh could see what he was missing. What also helped me was to give him a set job - he does bath and bedtime with a bottle of expressed (and now at 9 months I've had enough of expressing so she's having a bottle of formula).
But the main thing for me was to try not to criticise him - and that was hard! So when he puts the bum cream differently to how I would do it I need to think - so what! And let him get on with it. Same with bath- I wanted him to do it my way and was always watching over him until he said to leave him alone. So now I go out twice a week to exercise and leave him alone with her. That has made a huge difference.

Totally agree lol, it's so hard not to criticise or give advice on how to do it! I tend to think I've just learnt how to deal with her better than he has as I'm around her all the time - but then DH spotted red marks under her arms so has been putting oil there and making sure to clean that bit (I hadn't spotted it). And when she wakes up after bedtime, he says he'll go and settle her and I always think "but he'll get her all lively by talking to her" - and then he often manages to settle her well with a dummy. So I totally agree it's important to try and make it seem like they are capable and involved even though, secretly, of course we do things better

Frog - welcome back. Your situation sounds frighteningly similar to mine so I'm in no position to advise except the all men are wankers mantra but you have my sympathy.

On a more positive note, My little monkey took her first unaided steps today, it was only two but I still felt proud!

Oooo, the first Berry baby walking!!! Already! Where has the time gone?! I am hoping E is one of these really lazy babies who doesn't walk until 18 months so it makes my life easier. She doesn't have any balance yet so I might just be in luck.

Lo! Let us rejoice, for last night the child did sleep 'pon her own crib twixt the hours of 9pm and 8am with only one feed at 4. I feel almost human again.

Like Cav i was also hoping for a slothful sedentary baby but I think W might be an early walker as she is spending so much time on her feet trying to balance herself already, she does lots of contorting and grumbling until we help her stand up so she can practice.

Yay to sleeping and walking babies!!

Who else has gone past 44/45 weeks and did you notice a sleep regression or rough patch around then? (Nine months?) I know Cav and Hazle are hopefully coming out of it but wondered if anyone else escaped it?