Good luck BP. It will actually be ok. Somehow, stuff is deep down inside your brain. Prob a good idea to locum before return to work? Like a KIT day, a bit of confidence building, a practice run, chance to see that arrangements do work?
GT perhaps this is a wake up call? I hope this enables your DH to seek help he so obviously needs.
luis and izzy so much sympathy for sleep issues.
So last night's row got worse after I posted. We were both vile to each other. I was in no danger though - DH would never hurt me physically. But we were angry, sweary, emotionally abusive to each other. Both cried. I cried a lot. Have puffy red eyes today. Both DC woke and cried due to shouting/disruption of routine. I feel drained and shit. Like a properly crap parent for allowing them to be affected by an argument.
But I am sick of the same argument over, and over again. About how I have all the responsibilty for absolutely fucking everything. Am the breadwinner, work full time, and this will always be the case for me, forever. I am completely in charge of finances and all paperwork, in charge of noticing all the things that need doing around the house, although he will do what he is asked to do, I do all the menu planning, shopping list making, majority of cooking, all of DS's cooking - DH, despite being a fucking chef, has not made either DC any weaning food EVER, he's only cooked for them once they eat what we eat. I do all of the developmental stuff with the DC - I get them weighed, checked, I establish routines, decide when someone needs to drop a feed, what sleep strategy to employ, what to try next, what isnt working and what needs changing, what food to introduce next. I also deal with all of the maintenance and contact arrangements with his exP about DSD, I do all of the instigation of FUCKING everything - we're getting healthy because I am motivated, I have to plan and sort birthday presents, Christmas, or it doesnt get done, I plan all of DH's SAH days to make them easier and better for him and the DC because otherwise he'd look after their basic needs, but wouldnt do much and would then moan about how hard work it is - I plan for his benefit, to get him out and about and get the DC exercised and entertained so they are easier to handle. I spend my evenings - my only free time - planning meals, making the next day's meals, cleaning, packing bags, planning finances, ebaying stuff to make money, then bed. He spends his free time on the xbox. I do all of the night wakings because DH sleeps too deeply.
DH is quite happy to follow instructions, i.e. I notice x needs doing, and he will do it. If I ask about 50 million times. But he has no initiative. Nothing would ever fucking happen unless I instigated it, and then asked it to happen. And then remember it needs to be done, and remember to ask and ask and ask until it is done. I don't want to be the only adult in the household. I don't want to continually have to teach someone how to parent, how to function. Who teaches me? Who tells me and reminds me when something needs doing? No one. And yes, I could stop. But I have to do it all for us to function - if I didnt do it all, it wouldnt happen, and it would be a mess, and the DC and I would suffer from stuff not having been done. I dont know what the fuck to do.
There was talk about cloning oneself - I'd have me and me every fucking day. At the moment I just feel like DH is another burden on me. And I think I carry quite enough of those. I've basically said shape up or ship out. I know I am harsh. I sound like a bitch. But I dont have time or energy to carry someone else, the very someone who is supposed to support me. Gah.
One silver lining - I was so tired and cross and upset that after an hour of rocking, shushhing, patting etc DS, well after DD and DH had gone back to sleep, that I just put him in the cot and told him firmly to go to sleep, and left the room. He cried for 10 seconds, groped for his dummy, and went to sleep. He work for the day 3 hours later, but still. It is actually possible for him to settle himself.