It was good, I think.
I thought it was good.
It was tough. The first session is one hour to discover whether you're in the right place - if Relate can help. When we first went in, and she asked her first few questions, I just couldn't speak. I found it really difficult. Luckily DH took the lead, and kicked things off, and then I was OK after. The counsellor was very calming. She listened really well, and asked the right questions to discover more, and sat back to allow us to speak.
DH was shocked and sad to hear some of the things I said. I was honest.
I think it made us both realise what an uphill struggle we have ahead of us.
We have agreed to go for more counselling, and it will be one session every week.
(It would possibly be cheaper if DH just started gambling again! At £48 each time. I've said let's go forward and then assess after the first month.)
I was impressed with the counsellor, DH wasn't. He said "well she's nothing more than a sound board". Mr Cynical. he didn't get what a skill it was to be able to listen and to facillitate communication... He does now I've explained it to him.
It felt like things have got so bad that we can't save the marriage. But who knows?
It's ultimately up to me. I'm the one who has the issues with him. He loves me and does not want us to split. So it's up to me to decide to put it all to one side and try to love him again.
He has to play his part by sorting out the gambling, and being more motivated.
It's almost "not fair" that I've done nothing wrong, yet the onus is on me to change the way I feel. It's me who has to either save the marriage or break it.
Honestly, I don't know if it is the gambling that has truly affected us. It's really difficult. Was it the fact that I felt lied to, cheated, stolen from - that I had done all the work, changed my behaviour to pay for our wedding, our baby's things, our house? Was it that that created the cracks in our relationship, the loss of respect and trust? Or have I just "gone off" DH?
I have a fear, a guilt almost, that if it's the latter, that these marriage problems are all my fault. I don't know what the answer is. I honestly truly don't.
And the gambling... it only started after he met me. I believe he feels emasculated by me (I am very strong, independent, assertive...), and as we didn't need/use his money, maybe his gambling was his way of rebelling/taking some control. (When I say we didn't need/use his money, when we first lived together, he moved in with me, and I hjust carried on paying bills, mortgage, shopping etc - I never asked him for money until we opened up a savings account within my bank account to save for the wedding.
Sorry for the me, me, me.!