March 2013: Smiles, sleep & excellent feeding.....the thread of wishful thinking!

[SoYo]

Well we may as well start the thread on a positive note before the grumbling about the little darlings begins!!!

I know I usually come on here and frt about writing daft stuff, but hearing how some of you are struggling I'll be serious.... just this once. Some of you may have come across me on the relationships board, and from there gleaned a few things about me. The last year of my life has been utter hll, but along the way I have learnt more than a little about how to survive, and mend things when resentments are building.

I started marriage with a great career in the City, money, independence, designer clothes, yada yada.... but on moving to the country gave it up to manage a run down old 'estate'. I use that word loosely. My DH like yours was unhelpful, expected me to do everything (which included mowing 6 acres of grass and chopping down trees, so not just housework). He wouldn't help, ever, and if I begged asked, he'd start a patronising conversation about why I couldn't 'manage', or why I was wasting my life and when would I start a business. So I can identify with men who don't 'see' the work to be done, and expect praise for 'helping' (although mine was an extreme case).

We should have talked, but we didn't. I b*tched about him to my friends, and he started working later and later, and travelling more and more. We rumbled on, but little known to me he was living a double life with a girl 10 years younger than me from work. Ah that old stereotype....

So, fast forward to now. Now, I'm still here and happy. I discovered my pregnancy late, having assumed stress had caused things to go a bit hay wire down below, and had in fact just received the decree nisi. My DH was mortified, didn't want a divorce and has done everything to make it right, and for a large part it is, although I'm still a little broken.

BUT, and here's where it gets relevant, now we TALK, all the time. If we have an issue we talk about it, and I mean discuss sensibly not finger point or accuse. We did the latter for years.... 'you never.... you always.... etc etc' it was corrosive and destroyed respect between us. He has realised that a house does not run itself (he thought it did ), and that either he helps, or we get help. His choice was to get help, as financially we can, and realistically he doesn't have much time. He also does his share with DD without being asked. In the evenings he feeds her and settles her, which can be one h*ll of a job, as although she will sleep for 8-10 hours, she usually takes at least 90 mins to get to sleep. He changes her nappies when she has her nappy face on, not when I ask. He has her at weekends, and additionally he has main responsibility for the dogs and lawns. I never have to beg ask him to help, he just does.

My point (there is one), is don't let stuff rumble on and ruin what is otherwise a great relationship with your DH. Talk, and when you are done talk some more. Share the good things as well as the bad, the things you love about them (as no one wants to hear a long list of their failings). Don't mess things up like my DH and I did. Mine treated me so very badly, yours won't do that, so don't worry on my front.... but if you clear the little niggles in a kind and rational way you never get to the big ones.

Onwards and upwards ladies. If I can get through all of that, you can sort out who cleans the toilet and does the ironing no problem

We've already sorted who cleans the toilet, worsester - no one! Unless the man's mother is visiting, and then he chucks some bleach down it. Am so glad my family don't care if my house is a mess. You make a good point though, talking is crucial.

Oh Worsester. That's incredibly inspiring. I'm quite speechless really.

Spent a long time yesterday thinking about the problems were having, and when I tried to talk to dp he made me feel like they were in my head. I'm definitely guilty of saying 'you never...you always'. This time last year, before I even poas, he was earning nothing working for a 'friend' while I worked 50 hours a week with a long commute for a pitiful salary. I have to remember that after a positive test he did the right thing, but prior to that he worked half the hours I did and did v little to help.

I want to go back to work but have no great career waiting for me. I feel that me working 2-3 days a week would make us more equal, and certainly having a life outside the house would benefit us all.

I think we need to lay some ground rules. Yesterday cannot be repeated! Supermarket meltdowns, skipping meals because I'm too wound up (and fast becoming obsessed with my waistline) and falling asleep through sheer exhaustion during Have I Got News For You. When I got up to come to bed he'd cleared the dinner stuff away, the kitchen was sparkling and said he'd do more this weekend but he's not going to do more in the week after work, end of. Do I just grin and bear it? He doesn't even know how to make up the bottles, and asks if I agree that DS might need a new nappy before taking the initiative and just doing it... Clearly he's just a bit bloody useless sometimes, but you're so right Worsester, we have to be more open. Sometimes I just get this nagging feeling though. I mean who proposes but two years and 1 dc later still refuses to discuss a wedding?

Eig - cosleeping sounds like a plan with poorly DCs. Bogland he got some rest, I hope she's better soon.

Emerald - where are my manners! Hello, welcome to March. I had to wait bloody ages for my period. It's not so bad, quite similar to before really, but more of that lovely dragging feeling.

Ah Stormy, in our house its ironing which doesn't exist. Hasn't for years.

Wow Worse, I had no idea, don't tend to hang out in other boards except the occassional furkle on Active in the middle of the night. You make a good point about talking, and its usually something DH and I are good at. Right now his work is mental, he's not used to that, and is really stressed by it. I have always worked on trying to fight the big battles, which is what I am doing, and usually you eventually win the war. It's just that right now there are some small battles which are pretty wearing day to day. As you say though, no one wants a list of all their failures, and he's feeling rather vulnerable. No point making him feel totally useless - hell give up all together - but one has to manage in the meantime.

What is interesting though is the common theme that the chaps seem to generally see their role as helping rather than just doing.

I should mention, he is great at dealing with DS when he's here, without being asked. He has to ask what to do quite a lot cos he's not here enough to just know but that's ok. And nappies even he can manage, without the reward of sex (horrified face btw). It is the fact that at the mo, he hasn't realised how hard it is to do all the other stuff round DS. He needs more time at home to get that, and he will. It just doesn't come naturally - and that seems quite common, which I think is interesting.

pud we don't even own an iron.

I hope my mamouth little offload helped... I'll go back to my f*rting about persona now, as I'm better at that

I'm not after sympathy btw, things chez worse are better than they have been in years, and mini-worse is affirmation that sometimes good things come out of bad.

Plonko, what's 'bogland'?!

We all have classic cases of sweating the small stuff. When you're in the house all the time without having that break of going to work it's obviously more annoying to be surrounded by mess. Our men don't have to sit in it so to them it's just a fleeting state that they get to leave at home.

I've had to accept that my OH struggles to express emotion and hates talking about anything important - he has a huge fear of disappointment and I have to push him hard to get him to tell me how he feels. I always know there's something up but it's wearing for me to have to play games to get him to tell me.

I'm guilty of ranting on here perhaps because it's sort of anonymous and once written down it feels less crap!

I've had awful past relationships involving domestic violence, stalking and an ex spending all our money on drugs (two in fact!), so this is perfect in comparison, which is what I mean by sweating the small stuff...

worsester other boards .... Not ready for that yet, like our little crew, this is my first go on mumsnet. Love you guys! And nice to know a bit about you all.

I have often thought about ditching the day job and encouraging dh we could move to the country but not brave enough. Also dh and I had a real rough patch after I went back to work. It's tough being surrounded by ambitious men at work and several, one very persistent one almost encouraged me to leave dh about 16 months ago. Until I realized that it's all very exciting with anyone new ( nothing actually happened just the cliche of working alot together and talking to him more thsn dh) but I didn't want to split up my family so i talked to dh about why i wasnt talking to him, if that makes sense, and about stuff, got back on track and decided to have number 2. Not seeming like a great idea all the time but I love my little mini eig , awful to see her struggling to breathe though. Praying we are through the worst.... puts all the other crap into perspective when they are ill.

Bogland is the best typo my phone has ever come up with

Bogland . Love it there. Great place... it's actually where I live. Well kind of, as the house initials spell BOG (massively outs self), and when we moved in most of it practically was. I kid you not the sofas grew mould, and as for the walls, they had so much of the stuff I threw in the towel and only got the bleach spray out in situations of dire emergency. Much better now thankfully, although we still refer to the place (affectionately) as BOG.

Eig - moving to the country is fab, if you don't fall prey to the rose tinted glasses view of period houses. Leave them for idiots me and get yourself a lovely modern place with fully functioning everything, especially heating. I loved London too, but do I miss it? Not a jot. You are so right about perspective though, I really feel for you, Stormy, and anyone else who has a sick baby. Makes everything else seem pretty irrelevant.

Leni - please don't stop ranting as then the rest of us will feel obliged to follow suit and be awfully civilised all the time, and this (really funny) board will become all staid and boring and I will be forced to defect back to relationships and be all hand wringy and misery me for the rest of time. Save us from this fate. RANT!!!

Right, I have guests arriving HHHHhheeeelllllppp. I'm sending telepathic nappy vibes to her smelliness, as a repeat performance of her little effort during lunch with the in-laws would not be good.

Well I hope it's quiet because you are all having great bank holidays! Mini eig is struggling on, we should be through the worst of it by now so fingers crossed she improves tomorrow and has an ok night. Dh has been fab today, I have literally just (!) done the every two hour feed thing and rested in bed as upping milk supply is exhausting. He has done everything else with dd and DS and is currently making my dinner. I have slept and watched some back episodes of friends!

Oh my god. Teething? 11 weeks? Can it be true? Dd grumpy, off food (pushing bottle out with tongue, playing with/chewing nipple), gone off dummy but chewing own fist, my finger, and anything else she can find. Seems happier 20 mins after calpol. And strangest of all, she's been unusually cuddly. Please tell me I'm wrong? We can't be at that stage already can we?

I would be surprised if it is teething vj. Tends to be later, 4 months is usually earliest i thought. Any other signs of illness? My dd goes for the comfort of flesh when illness starting ( happened with both the thrush and ths virus) Or other signs of teething like Any droole? If you think it is teething better to get some calgel for the gums as you can't give calpol that often when they are so young.

Yeah we only gave the calpol as a bit of an experiment... Not much dribble, although her favourite thing to chew is one of those weird rubbery giraffe things that's all the rage (was a present, don't understand them myself) and you can hear her really rubbing her gums on the squeaky rubber. I really hope you're right Eig, I'm not mentally prepared for teething yet tbh!

vj my ds is 11 weeks and he is going through exactly the same things you mentioned. Even if their teeth dont come through now im sure there must be some change in their gums preparing for teething.

Kj, that's true can be lots of movement which irritates them, if she is chewing on the giraffe though it could be teething, god not ready for that yet! . It reminds me we tried lots of gel but the best be was anbesol for kids, really worked.

My goodness I've missed a lot today on here!

Yes I've been quiet as we've been out at the local village fair. Glorious weather and two well-behaved DCs :)

Well, until about 6 tonight when DD became a crazy woman. Back to the early days of cluster feeding except I don't think she's feeding but it's the only thing that'll calm her down. I think she must be shattered as she's not really had a sleep since the afternoon and she must need one. She's also been more snotty today whereas i feel a lot better. She's currently happy and awake but it'll turn to crying soon and then back onto me

Trouble is, it's getting very close to last feed time so I hope she does decide to sleep soon so I can attempt to get another feed in her later. I'm knackered though so at this rate I may not bother myself if it gets to 10 and she's still not sleeping. She is yawning so who knows...?

worse I've not seen you on in the relationships threads (which I have had to hide from Active because I find them upsetting and depressing as well as slightly addictive but I did see you earlier on a thread talking about having given your house keys to a neighbour to use your house but I can't remember where! Love the idea of the crumbling estate and I'm glad you and your DH are back on track.

plonko if he asks if you agree whether a nappy needs changing, it could actually be a lack of confidence. You now, you do it all (bottles etc) because he won't/can't but he won't/can't partially because you do it all? I may be talking out of my bum but if you were to go out for the afternoon, do you think he'd just get on with it? And if he didn't, you'd be we'll within your rights to tell him that he needs to learn then.

Oh please feel free to ignore me as I'm no expert. Now, if you want to talk sibling problems, I can share!

Eig how is DD?

Everyone else (pud, leni et al) - I hope you're having a good weekend.

Oops, she's off again. Ow my bruised nipples :(

Vjhist, I think it can indeed be teething at 11w, as I was informed recently by a paediatrician... Doesn't necc mean teeth will actually come through for months but the process can indeed begin... DD has been doing exactly as you describe, pushing the bottle away with tongue, chewing her fists, screaming as if we are murdering her... Oh, the joys!

Eigmum, I hope things are a bit better with your DD tonight, great that u had a bit of rest!!

Worcestershiresauce, hope you don't mind me commenting as I'm new around here and all but I really thought your story was inspiring, you seem to have come through a lot of rubbish stuff and out the other side smiling!

We have had teething fun of our own around here, plus a new habit of utter hysteria when I try to change her clothes for her bath or in the mornings... Anyone else had this happen? God you really would think the world was ending! She CANNOT be cold as we have the heating on and a warm towel... Is it too much to think that she may have not enjoyed a change recently (too cold once perhaps) and is now just screaming in CASEvshe doesn't like it again!??

I think our neighbours are about to break our doors down every time it happens...

I joke (badly) but it is actually really distressing, she screams until she is virtually sick. :( Not sure how it has happened as she was perfectly happy having clothes changed until a week or so ago.

Oh we'll, we are off to friends tomorrow who have a perfectly behaved toddler... DD will doubtless throw a wobbly! I get so stressed when she is upset or crying when we are out and about even if people are nice abou it. Of course she is then an angel when it is just the two of us...!!

Hope everyone is enjoying the bank hol!

Hey wingd mini eig is asleep next to me in this arm 's reach co sleeper, it's fab, can just reach out to give her a reassuring pat but they are in there own cot so safe. The cough is still awful and she is still bunged up but managed a few smiles today and has ok colour, breathing still a bit laboured though . We'd book a night at a child friendly hotel tomorrow on the south coast. Trying to decide if we risk a night away as the fresh air and change of scenery would do us all good but being away from london a&e maybe not so good.... Will see how tonight goes....

Glad things are improving those with snotty/poorly babies. There seem to be a few of us at the moment. We had some impressive projectile vomit at 4 this morning but thankfully i was having my one lie in today and had gone to sleep in the nursery so OH dealt with it like a trooper. By the time I got up at 9.30 bubs was all smiles again so must just have been something disagreeing with him (which is odd given his mono diet).

I think we have been having the start of teething here too for a couple of weeks. Nothing visible yet but lots of hand/muslin/bib chewing going on and he's a drool merchant these days. Think I might get him some of those bib bandanas to save the wet tops. Also my cousin's baby was born at the beginning of jan and he already has two teeth through so I'm preparing myself for the worst.

We've had a nice day at home today. Naps have been rubbish but he remained surprisingly ungrumpy so we've sat in the yard garden for most of the afternoon. Hopefully the weather will be good again tomorrow. Off to OH sister's for dinner with the family so praying monkey pants will be on his best behaviour with minimum screaming.

Oh emerald I can relate! We've suddenly developed screaming when we try to change his clothes this last week. I've just put it down to his pig headedness because we are making him do something not of his choosing- like putting his arms through armholes, how very dare we!

Down to 40 breaths a minute here, hoping on the up!

Go minieig! < pompom waving smiley>

We're up for first feed which is rubbish as he wasn't very early to bed and we haven't been up this early for ages! I tried just re swaddling and settling but he wasn't having any of it. Going to be a long night I fear... And DH joined us tonight, full of how much he was looking forward to being in with us again, but when I woke up at midnight he'd already decamped back to the other room so much for solidarnosk.

No idea about teething though miniPud has a gum line full of them, you can clearly see the shadows underneath. He is also sucking like mad, a bit dribbly and using my nips for chomping practice which hurts like hell. Hadn't assumed this was teething though, just self soothing, reflux and bloody minded ness respectively!

In order to try and reduce wear and tear on my poor nips have been trying different positions for feeding and finally managed to make lying down work yesterday on the right side at least. Somehow angle was wrong on left and was coming out even more bent and creased than normal - ouch!

Anyone else having this problem as up to the last 10 days or so his latch has been good and pain free. Nothing that obviously wrong (he started trying to lazily tug at the end only but I have been taking him off and starting again) but this chomping down is killing me. Right, he's. finished so I'm going try for my bed again... See you later!

Coughing fit again....

Oh Eig :(

Pud, don't worry too much about the ale up being earlier than normal - it doesn't necessarily mean a return to that time every night.

After my awful evening and my last post, I changed DD and got her ready for bed so a bit earlier than normal and she went out like a light at 10... and slept till 3:50 hurrah! Blimey we all needed that. Doesn't mean she now won't be Miss Light Sleeper for the next few hours but I'll cross that bridge when we get to it aka cosleep

Our room isn't the roomiest and I'm a bit tight so we won't be getting a cosleeper cot but a friend has offered me her ambi nest thing so I may look into borrowing that.

Oh and I got sunburnt yesterday which is a pain - literally.