bit of long post today, need your thoughts please.
things taken turn for worse and have taken off engagement ring. atmosphere hasn't been good for past few days, thought it was getting better.couple of times tried to initiate things and always felt rejected. when he wants thigns, you wouldve thought the moon fell very stroppily(?) and sulked if i was tired. have noticed him getting more and more selfish with that and other stuff. he didn't spend much time with dd before he had to go to shop and fetch dd's pinta milk, then when he came back he just sat down on settee and i had to beg him to play with her so i could have bath and get ready for work. sometimes it seems that she has to play at what he wants to play ie if she wants to read and he wants to build bricks, she has to watch what cartoons he wants to watch most of the time. two days ago i had to go to docs and he looked after dd, said i should have time to myself after appt which i did and it was lovely. i got home at 1/4 to 12ish, dd had just gone to bed for her midday nap. when she got up, i thought that p had already got her dressed and she was still in her pyjamas. i can't even remember if we were sposed to be going out that day but doc had suggested i go for xray for suspected chest probs. so to cut a long story short, bearing in mind that he had to go to work as soon as got home, he then asked me for fuel money - why couldn't he ask in town when it wouldve been easier? - passing through next village there is a man standing in road,with other people standing on the path, p goes round him and it is then that we see an old man half out his wheel chair and lying with his head in road part of the kerb. p doesn't even stop to see if they need help. i turn round in my seat(am sat in the back with dd) and it's then i see the old man. the man standing in the road looks at our car going past and i realise how close we were. i said to p that we were only what seemed like a few inches away and p said not to be stupid, miles away. all he was bothered about was getting to work on time. as soon as we passed the accident, he was talking about what he'd taken out of the freezer for me to give dd and myself for dinner!
we had discussion and i was trying not to raise my voice in front of dd cos it upsets her and he was talking like i was an inferior. i calmly asked him not to talk to me like that cos of dd and it was like he didn't even realise (though he knew she was there). he asks me to stand, i didn't want to so he tries to make me stand by holding my wrists like lo's do when they want you to stand. it doesn't feel right, like i'm being controlled so i say that i didn't want to stand. i can't remember what happened next before he went to workj in strop, but i spent the rest of the day feeling like a load a crap and feeling really lonely and wanting to cry but not wanting to in front of dd.anyway to cut story bit shorter (!)
i don't call him or txt him (no credit) but i can't sleep for thinking of that poor old man. i get credit on phone and tell him what i think of him for leaving that old man and not seeing if any help was needed. i said that it couldve been his dad lying there needing help and that he'd shown his true colours (being selfish). anyway i put spare duvet on settee before he come home and tried to sleep (didn't well). this morning i wish that i hadn't put things quite so baldly and could have said them better. he's all silent and moody so ask him to talk and then he says that what i put (this was with dd running about) reminded him of the sht he had from x w, completely tarring me with same brush (v.long story and painful for me). we have had trouble getting dd to stop saying that word, then he goes and says it in her hearing. 2hours before that he had a bath and left door open like normal but then i went in cos it had gone quiet (and sorry in case tmi) he was pitching a tent - the bl**y door was open and couldve walked in. i know it;s natural and that (although i would rather he put the effort into to that side of things between me and him) but to do that while door is open? i don't think so. i shut the door before dd sees. i'm not being prude but some things children shouldn't see.
before he goes to work i say we need to talk when you get back and he says i thought we had? it seemed obvious he had airbrushed things out his memory. i don't know what to do anymore. i want to ask him to to go (my name on "rent book") but i don't know. when he'd gone to work things lot calmer and i actually had a lovely evening with dd, she was all cuddly and actually kissed me again which she hasn't for quite a while.
i'm sorry for long confusing post and wasn't sure if this was right place but don't think i can take much more and i have dd to think about the atmosphere wouldn't be good for her