Continuing Non-Denominational Support for StarnStripes in her new life

[Portofino]

You can be strong!

Stars - Just wanted to say you're doing so well. Please don't believe his promises, he still wants to control you and he will say anything to get the control back.

You said 'hopefully I can keep up this resolve', well, you must for your sake and the childrens sake. Please please don't go back whatever he says. The fact he says 'come back and if I start drinking again you can leave' says it all for me. Roughly translated that means he doesn't promise to stop drinking anf he most likely start again, that by the time that happens he will have brainwashed you so much and worn you down that you won't dare leave a sencind time .

Just stay strong, who in their right mind would want to live with him? He made your life a total misery, it will be so so much better without him. Keep a record of everything he says and pass it on to the police. I wouldn't trust him for a second, some of the things he says are very worrying stars. Keep posting x

STARS!!!!

I've had problems with my internet and haven't been able to get on and GOD!!!! WHat a shock to see you've done the deeD!!!! yOU REALLY ARE AMAZING!!!!

I guess this is just the beginning and although you've taken that hard step I cant help but think things will carry on this way for a little while longer... Just keep that courage that you have Stars...
Keep strong stars and dont forget You are being cradled in the arms of one who loves you unconditionally... God is with you and giving you strength... Never forget the reasons why you did this... Dont let him take control (cant help but think now he is not he is panicking) I'm sure he will try every tactic in the book to get his life the way he wants it... Dont give him that Stars... He hasn't given it to you for yearsx

I really dont know what else to write at the mo as Im feeling very emotional!!!!! Will be back later...

WELL DONE STARS!!!!! Love to you and your DC's xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

BoF I'm not sure how helpful this kind of scaremongering is for Stars.

Youre right, I'll ask for it to be deleted.

Star - you say you hope you can hold on to your resolve. I really do think you can, because you are finding unimaginable strength inside. What you have done is so so brave. You are much tougher than you realise.

Agree with those who say that his changing has to be his problem, not yours. And his offer that you 'can leave again' if he doesn't stop drinking is just sad really. Doesn't he realise that you've already left?

HOpe you're finding a chance to enjoy the sunshine today.

Dread - have e-mailed you!

Stars - hope you have had a relaxed day, and that the dcs are OK and looking forward to half term. You have done so well. Do you have a "next step" planned or do you just want a bit of quiet reflection time?

Stars - you are doing fab. just keep being strong and remember why you started the posts on MN. they should remind you of the reasons you left and the future you and the kids have without H

Hope you had the same lovely weather there that we had here today, sunshine lifts everyone's spirits I think.

He is being nice, nasty, threatening, demanding..... er so no change then from before you left?

Still no sobbing and begging you to come back and crying about what an arse he might have been?

No, so he is still just thinking of himself.

Many of us have said it before. But here it is again.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT HE THINKS/WHAT HE WILL DO/HOW HE WILL REACT to anything you do or say.

Let others have all contact with him for now, get yourself a solicitor and next time he tries to make contact tell him to contact you through your solicitor. Even if you are not going down the divorce route just yet you can arrange contact with the dc's.

I think you really really need to ring womens aid in the morning to say that you have left him but need support and advice about him turning up.

Well done on having got this far, but you can't get on with your new life properly until you have shaken off the old one. That means no direct contact with him and no worrying about what his brain is up to.

Hello,

The most important thing is to see a solicitor as soon as possible.

Questions to ask: let the solicitor lead you - every solicitor knows which questions to ask to find out how to help you.

Also important: go to a jobcentre as soon as possible to sort out benefits and contact the CSA.

Don't let him intimidate you, from what's he's already said he seems to know nothing about the law at all! That's why it's important to have someone legal on your side as soon as possible to show his rubbish for what it is.

As a lurker and intermittent poster, I missed this until today. Believe it when I say that the pom poms are being shaken here in the Loving household, I even brought out the sparkly ones!!

We are so happy that you have made this step, and thank goodness that Dread has been there with the practical support we all wish we are able to provide.

Please now, to echo other posters, remember why you left him. He will try to be nice, nasty, nicer and nastier to get you to come back.

All abuse is about control and power, and you have taken the control and power away from him. He will hate it.

Good for you Stars, stay strong, we are all rooting for you as you begin your new life.

Give your DCs an extra hug, and remember why you are doing this if your resolve wavers.

Thinking of you and hoping you had a goose weekend.

A goose weekend? WTF??? A GOOD weekend, I mean!!
Too much sun...

morning Stars, I was so pleased to read last night that you had made the first step and left H. I was also relieved that you didnt get in the car with him.
I do agree with the others in that no contact would be better in the interim. When my abusive alcoholic X finally walked out for another woman, I was relieved but it took a while to get into a routine. He would turn up at all hours drunk, whenever he had fallen out with OW. Also would call expecting me to drop everything so that he could see his dd. Everytime I saw him he would ask to come back but thankfully my resolve held.
The next time he turned up being abusive I called the police.

I eventually made the decision to say to him that he had to organise access offically through a solicitor and that there was a contact centre where he could have supervised access to see dd. He never did any of this so as a result he hasnt seen his dd for nearly 7 years. I also moved so that I could at least sleep soundly without worrying about every single noise.
It may take a while but things will return to normality for you and DC,s and you can already see the change in them no doubt.
Keep your chin up Stars and I am thinking about you. I just wish I had had the support of mumsnet when it all happened to me xxx

Bloody well done.

One of the most chilling things I have read on any of your threads Stars is that he wanted to trick you and the kids into the car with him! How many people in the world, when confronted by a partner ending the relationship have tried to kidnap the partner and force them to stay with them? Only the ill ones.

That and the threats and demands, confirm that you are not dealing with a loving husband who just wants his family back home, he just wants his chattels back under his control, at any cost.

I hope you stay strong Stars because if you cave in and go back now he will know that he is totally in charge and his behaviour will know no bounds.

Stay strong Stars, I bet your family and friends are so proud of you.

Stars, he's still the same old bully. He's putting on the pleading and when it doesn't have an immediate effect he goes back to threats straight away. It is confusing for you, but it isn't for him. Pretend you're nice and will accede to certain behaviours but when it doesn't work your normal mindset takes over.

He's not going to change. Do not go back to him just because he's wheedling a bit and trying to guilt trip you. It's an act put on to get what he wants, which is you and the kids back where he thinks you belong - under his thumb walking on eggshells.

I am so happy you are away from that. I am christening my champagne glasses (with Pimms though - had a 'do' yesterday and I kept some hidden!).

Hope you get a good sleep tonight Stars- you need your strength...keep up the brilliant work pet!

Stars, I haven't posted on your threads for a long time but have checked in now and again to see how you were doing. Am thrilled that you have left and so proud of you. You have been through a tough time but, slowly, it will all get easier from now on.

Thinking of you stars x

Hi Stars, just popping in to wish you all the best - glad to see you've been getting plenty of good advice! Sending you {{{hugs}}} and strength as ever, stay safe and well

Love and hugs from here too, stars. Thinking of you often. xx