Continuing Non-Denominational Support for StarnStripes in her new life

[Portofino]

You can be strong!

Helsbels - those of us who have lived with these men did not doubt for a moment that he was 'that bad'. THere are many many men out there who think that sort of behaviour is absolutely normal.

Starsnstripes, so glad to hear that you stood up to him!

He will be a bit shocked that you didn't just do what he wanted as usual, he'll go away and no doubt think of some more tactics. The first time you stand up to someone who has ground you down, is the worst. Once you've done it once, like today, )yipeeeee you should be so proud of yourself!!!) each time will get easier.

I too am not only that he suggested you all get in the car and talk, but and that it shows how little intelligence he credits you with! Fancy him even considering for one second that you would fall for that!!

Day one is over, you've already faced him and YOU'VE come off in control today.

Eeeee lass who'dah thought it, from that bread and milk post to today

Stars, may I make a suggestion? Perhaps you should write down ten reasons why you had to leave, and if he starts his mindgames on you, you can read it and remind yourself how far you've come

Wow, trying to get you to sit in the car and talk, he'll try anything won't he?! I'd be very careful and get something official set up ASAP. Keep talking to Dread, stick to your guns and stop talking to him directly!

Did you leave him a brief note or a long one? Did you tell him what a pig he is? What did he say when he came to where you are? Were family with you? Sorry for all the questions!

Glad the kids are doing totallt fine

Come back and talk to us, this is the hardest bit but you can get through it and you are free now!

Another one who felt chilled to the bone at the "get in the car" request.

I am now so relieved I can hardly express it.

Hmmm why does my mind keep wandering to the scene in Coronation St with Richard Hillman driving all the Platts into the canal.....

I'd put a there but its not really funny is it?

Stars I'm being Really Nosey but what did you put in the note?

Stars, just checking in before the end of the day. Hope you're OK. Please keep your family around you and keep talking to DP and Women's Aid. Enjoy being with DCs on your own (well, without H), and have some fun with them. You've done a good day's work. Stay strong.

Dread I crossed posts with you earlier and didn't have chance to see that you'd told us what Stars was up to. Thank-you for that, we all worry when we don't hear from her for a while.

Stars Bit of a sod that H knows where you are and can just turn up, invited or not. Thank god you were clued up enough to go nowhere near the car. If I were you, I'd make sure I was not left alone anywhere he might be for quite some time. Don't want to scare you, but I am scared for you, same as everyone else on here.

{{{{{hugs}}}}} to you and the DC for being so brave right now.

stars, glad to hear you are doing OK. well done for braving the 10 min visit, and thank heavens you didn't get in the car. steer clear for now if you can, and get some advice RE access ASAP.
So happy to hear the DCs are happy and playing.
Hope you have a lovely day tomorrow can you get out somewhere with your family (are you with your sister or niece?) so you don't have to give H a second thought?
Keep strong.
Rx

Wow stars, I am so relieved you have gotten out.

He sounds like he will try anything, and I agree with the other posters, asking you to get in the car is scary!!

I wouldn't meet him face to face again now either, let him go through the courts for access for the safety of your dcs.

I am so proud - you are amazing, you will look back on your threads in the not too distant future in disbelief at what you lived with.

This is why WA route is best way.......none of this 'sitting in car' crap!! It will be tough this way stars, you need proper support I'm afraid.....

Hi everyone.

As Dread says he came to see the children andI insisted he came into the house which he was'nt too happy about.

Strangely enough enough the police were driving away in an unmarked car as he arrived so he did not realise they had called.

When I answered the door to him he gave me one of those awful stares which I thought for a man who wanted to work things out was'nt a good start.

He cuddles the children and was obviously upset.
He then asked to speak to me alone.
He asked me to come home and sort things out.
Also he wanted a date I would be returning.
When I could'nt give him a date he said if I did'nt make a decision he would make it for me.

He then saw the children again for 5 mins and left.

On the phone he was saying what I did was obscene and that I had responsibilities as a mother.
He said he still loved me and wanted me to come home and talk to him and that he would give up drinking if that is what it took.
Also that if I came home I could make up the rules and he would live by them.
He then give him another chance and if he started drinking again then I could leave then.

All very confusing.

One minute he is pleading for me to come back.
The next getting angry and issusing demands.

Have heard nothing all day from him since he came to visit this afternoon.
Not sure if that is a good sign or not.

Thanks for all your messages of ongoing support.

It has been a long day and still feel numb and not quite here.
Hopefully I can keep up the resolve.

How are the children? do they know much of what is going on?

You say hopefully you can keep up the resolve. I know you can/will. Imagine the misery of walking back into that house. Also, if you went back, he could file away this 'incident' as another example of you being a bit hysterical and if you threatened to go again he'd laugh it off, and be well prepared to put a stop to it.

Stars - perhaps, if he contacts you again making similar offers wrt drinking, you setting the rules etc, you could tell him that he has to change for himself, and that it has to happen before you will even consider returning home or allowing him unsupervised access to the children.

That would put the ball firmly into his court and would also make it easier for you to be vague about whether you'll return home - then you can use that breathing space to get yourself and the children sorted, and your head in the right place to make the decisions that need making.

You are being so strong, and we are all so proud of you.

{{{hugs}}}

Bloody hell stars - What a day for you !

What did the police say?

All his talk of changing is BULLSHIT. He won't change. Just his way of manipulating you.

I agree that it's a shame that he knows where you are. He could drop in at any time.

When are you next seeing your solicitor?

Please re-read your threads to help you through wobbly moments.

MEN LIKE THIS DON'T CHANGE!

Well done for staying strong. Try and enjoy the sunshine with the kids.

"Also he wanted a date I would be returning.
When I could'nt give him a date he said if I did'nt make a decision he would make it for me."

Hmmmm - It will obviously come as a shock to him that YOU will be making all the decisions from now on. So proud of you!

Hope he leaves you in peace so you can enjoy your day.

I'm imagining him sat at home musing over the fact that his first plan didn't work, and plotting what to do next. I'd guess he will be seeing a solicitor pronto and telling them how unreasonable/mad you are.

At least you have on a here a clear record of his behaviour to you and the dcs over a long period of time.

Hope he leaves you in peace so you can enjoy your day.

The stare and the threatening to 'make a decision for you' are all signs that things are still the same.

It sounds like when his usual tactic of scaring you into submission hasn't worked he's shifted to playing nice, which in a way is trying to trick you into coming back iyswim?

I hope that your talk with the police went well, and that you have a good bank holiday weekend.

hi stars. Can you confirm here that the new email you've just sent me is really yours? Going to be paranoid just in case :-) agree that you can tell him that he needs to change for himself, and that that's likely to be a long process. He needs to get his drinking sorted, and his anger, and should start with a counsellor. If he seems receptive, you could also point him at one of the perpetrator courses for abusers. If, as seems more likely he goes back to threats, then at least you'll have made your position clear. This phone is crap for posting, so more later :-)

Well done darling, stay strong. Of course he's going to try every trick in the book. Wouldn't it be more relaxing for you if you let others talk to him on your behalf? (See my previous post) I hate to think this is going to be a hideous stressful period for you with him hassling you every day when it should be an uplifting and exhilarating period of freedom. Please be kind to yourself. PLEASE!!!
obviously ignore all his false promises, that goes withoput saying. You aren't going to go back. I say that with confidence as he doesn't sound like a good person as a husband or a fther so there is no point going back.
Please don't even give him head space. You have to learn to ignore him or he'll destroy you. Think how he's changed you over the years? Do you really want him to go on eroding your personality until you're a scared shivering mouse? Do not bother discussing with him; he'll drag you down and waste your precious life.
Celebrate that you're out; don't mope about what he's saying to you and what he wants; it's all BULLSHIT.

No Stars, don't even think about going back to this abusive tosspot. As others have said, can someone else negotiate with him re finance and access to the children? SOmeone calm and not easiliy intimidated, who can just say to him 'She doesn't want any contact with you right now. This is [whatever] to sort out.'

i'm so not suggesting she goes back to him... I am suggesting that if she suggests counselling then he might go for it, and that increases the chance of a civilised outcome. My suggestion for a perpetrator course was to make it clear to him how she - and we! - views his behaviour...

"When I could'nt give him a date he said if I did'nt make a decision he would make it for me."

As this threat was made just after the police left, please call them again and inform them of it.

"On the phone he was saying what I did was obscene and that I had responsibilities as a mother."

And you are honouring your responsibilities as a mother by keeping all of you away from HIM!

"and if he started drinking again then I could leave then."

He still doesn't seem to realise that he doesn't get to tell you when you can and can't do things!
You've already left and you won't let him waste your time anymore

Agree with the above, he needs to be told that sorting himself out is first on the agenda, then he may (may ) stop hassling Stars for a time and date.

Obviously now she's out she'll stay out, but at least if he's persuaded to get help it might stop him inflicting his behaviour on any other poor woman.

Sorry to disagree with you on this one Dreadpirate, because I know you've worked so on this, but surely that means you're one of the first people who could see that the chances of a civilised outcome are always going to be small on his part whatever Stars does on hers.

What directing him towards counselling/perpetrator courses will increase the chance of is him being given the impression that Stars still thinks that his welfare is still HER responsibility.
He will use it as a bargaining chip and then it'll be "please come back because you're the only one who can help me stop drinking/hitting"

Like I said - contact about DCs only!

Perhaps by telling him to sort himself out, stars can detach from him and see that it is his responsibility to change - you are so right, NotPlaying, to say that in no way should stars be thinking it is her responsibility to help him recover.

I don't have any experience of perpetrator courses, but I would guess that, like AA etc, the first thing they teach is that you and you alone are responsible for your own actions and to stop blaming others for your behaviour - which her H needs to hear.

And maybe stars needs a glimmer of hope of a civilised outcome - by which I mean that he lets her go and accepts her decisions on access etc.