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Original poster

Any clergy wives??

231 replies

clergywife · 01/02/2009 16:07

Scuse name change...

my dh is a parish priest. I'm more and more realising how hard it is for me to maintain REAL friendships within the parish because i'm never just me, i'm his wife, i'm someone who may know stuff (rarely! lol), i'm a reminder of the disagreement they had with him last Sunday, I'm not just a random friend....

Is this unusual or am I normal in this?

Every now and again I think it's ok,. I've cracked it - but then I realise that I am not on equal footing however hard I try because they always perceive me as a link into the vicarage - whether psotiive or negative.

I'm not sure if it's cos I am young (late 20s) and if I were older I would have the same problems...

I am not being very concise, but i wanted to see if anyone had any experience....
When talking about this briefly earlier, I likened this to a gp's wife trying to have friendships with her dh's patients and dh nodded very sagely at that . So frustrating.

OP posts:
justaboutspringtime · 12/05/2009 19:30

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procrastinatingparent · 12/05/2009 20:55

Thanks, justabout. DH is away on a course this week and is sounding more energised than he has for a long while, so I'm really pleased about that.

I wonder sometimes whether people (clergy and laity) in churches are just very bad at handling conflict. We seem to bite our lips about things (and just gossip about them to other people) and then burst out angrily and inappropriately when we can't take it any more. If you have a problem with someone, the Christian thing to do is to take to them gently and try to resolve it lovingly, as I understand it.

You would think that as a clergy daughter and clergy wife I would have got used to handling criticism by now.

Justabout, I hope you've been able to resolve at least your own feelings about your recent ill-treatment.

shivster1980 · 18/05/2009 10:50

procrastinatingparent I am a clergy daughter and a (nearly)clergy wife and I can't handle criticism yet

It is really difficult to cope with other's criticism, i certainly found it harder to cope with criticism of my father than people directly criticising me, I have a feeling I will be the same about DH. I am fiercely loyal .

I hate confrontation and will do my level best to avoid it but sometimes the situation just needs dealing with head on.

I agree that there appears to be a feeling in our churches that it is better to simmer and create tensions through gossip than to share one's grievances to the other's face. It is somehow seen as more 'charitable' not to deal with the issue in an open honest fashion Beats me!

alittlebitshy · 18/05/2009 10:54

Just found this thread again - why do i keep losing it?

pp i know just where you are coming from. I find it so hard not to get wound up/defensive when people send such emails/make such comments to/about my dh.

EvenBetaDad · 18/05/2009 16:26

clergywife - we live next to the vicarage in our village. The man and his wife are somewhat unusualy both ordained and tell us they are so pleased we are not religious because they can be friends with us without feeling they have to guarded in what they say because they are 'the vicar'.

They say they cannot have the same friendly relationship with 'members of the parish' who are church goers. Very much echoing what others have said on this thread.

DW and me are both 'christian' in our backgrounds but only go to church once per year. We just do not feel the need to talk religion or the church but treat them as people.

Your feeling is very understandable. Perhaps you could try and make friends outside the parish - perhaps join clubs and other interest groups with no connection to your DHs job.

MaryBS · 18/05/2009 16:46

I don't know if this helps... I am not a clergy wife, but am training as a Reader. There are members of our church who expect impossible standards of our vicar, and of me too sometimes. I've been at the end of an untrue allegation before too.

A couple of things our vicar says to me - firstly that the church is made up of both saints and sinners, that if they were all saints, they wouldn't NEED church. I find that comforting! Also we are called to love everyone but we don't have to LIKE them!

shivster1980 · 02/06/2009 14:56

Hi,
Just wanted to bump this thread up and say hello.

We are moving on to new pastures in a couple of weeks and life here is hectic and fraught but we look forward to DH's ordination and the curacy to come.

Hope everyone is well.

Shivster.

redtent · 06/06/2009 11:20

just posting a hello...and how much of what is written here resonates with me as a clergy wife and a vicar myself (one of those rapidly less unusual clergy couples!)in the West Midlands!

Also wanted to say best wishes to those of you preparing for ordinations in whichever capacity!

RTent

growingup · 06/06/2009 13:42

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redtent · 06/06/2009 18:56

Aha! well keeping anonymity is a bit of a nightmare on the web...so I changed my name about 2 years ago (iirc) and have not revealed my new username to anyone and will not....especially as I'd like to join in the pregnancy stuff at some point!

procrastinatingparent · 07/06/2009 12:55

Hi redtent, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too, growingup

All the best with your move, shivster. Moving house is stressful enough without all the expectations that come with clergy families. The worst part for me was trying to remember everyone's names - they all knew me and I didn't have a clue who they were. And in our church they are all related so you have to be very careful what you say.

The best bit about moving was the food and chocolate cakes that were here when we moved in - and the completely stocked fridge, freezer and cupboards. Amazing! I do have to remind myself about the many kindnesses we have received from most of the people in church whenever I get angry about the negativity from a small segment.

And I met up with my 'sorority' yesterday (group of clergy wives who meet 4 times a year for a day to talk and pray) and they were great at encouraging me to keep going and to pray about my attitude to things - which after all is the only thing I have control over.

growingup · 07/06/2009 16:12

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MadHairDay · 08/06/2009 17:51

Hello again all. PP, just read your post further down, and just to say hope things are a little better for you. I too am a clergy daughter and clergy wife, and still really struggle with the whole negativity and criticism which seems to come with the job. dh just got some really negative feedback yesterday on something we feel was good, with no positive comments at all. It really crushed him, it's so hard to put these things aside, but somehow we need to learn to while retaining our humanity and sensitivity. Not easy.
Hi redtent, nice to meet you. We are in the w.mids too, first year of our curacy.
Shivster, is it really that time already, this was us last year. Hope it all goes well and you settle in quickly. Leaving college is a funny thing really, but also good to be back in the real world. My college friends are so important to me still and we support each other a lot but you can't live that kind of life on a long term basis, it would drive anyone mad!
Hi growing up how are you? What is the northern retreat? I go on the New Wine leaders wives retreat which is amazing. I think there are a few around.
Nice to find this thread again

growingup · 08/06/2009 18:00

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shivster1980 · 09/06/2009 16:16

MadHairDay I am so with you on the drive you mad front. We move a week today and I have already been to 5 goodbye type events! I just want to go now!!!!

redtent good to 'meet' you. We will be west mids based too! There seems to be a West mids clergy contingent on MN!!

Also if anyone fancies sending me a CAT message and explaining how this name change thing works I would be grateful! I sometimes don't post because of security paranoia.

shivster1980 · 09/06/2009 16:17

or should I say clergy and spouses contigent!

AMumInScotland · 09/06/2009 16:36

Hi shivster. To namechange you have to go into My Mumsnet and log in with your email address, then go to Registration Details. There you can change your talk nickname. Any you've used before are unavailable to anyone else, so you can't lose your "proper" name, even while you're not using it, and you can switch back and forwards as you like.

MNHQ can obviously tell you're the same person, but no-one else will know.

shivster1980 · 09/06/2009 17:44

Thank you that is very useful info!

MadHairDay · 09/06/2009 18:42

Oh yes shivster, the endless goodbye events! I was all cried out by the second and just couldn't be bothered/face more goodbyes. It was lovely, but rather overdone.
Good luck with the move - are you almost ready?
Yes there does seem a strong W Mids contingent here

shivster1980 · 09/06/2009 18:51

We are being packed by the removers for the first time. This is my 10th move in my lifetime so I feel like a pro! The house is finally ready for us, it's all systems go really. Just a wk and DS's birthday to get through first!

MadHairDay · 10/06/2009 20:13

Hope all goes well then. It's great getting packed for isn't it. Hope your ds has a lovely birthday.

shivster1980 · 29/06/2009 20:18

Hello folks,

Well we have moved! We are now 'in the parish' and DH is to be ordained on Sunday! Should be fabulous but I am playing hostess with the mostess with 3 parents staying and 20 for buffet on the Sunday... Argh!!!

Welcome to the life of a curate's wife eh?!!

Hope all is well.

MadHairDay · 01/07/2009 21:14

Hope the ordination goes well shivster. It can be an interesting time! My dh was ordained priest last week, it was great. When he was ordained deacon it was a very high cathedral service with lots of pomp and ceremony, choirboys etc etc, last week it was so informal, at a church rather than cathedral, such a different service. It was good to see the 2 different ones.
I'm sure it'll go great. Indeed, welcome to the life of a curate's wife

shivster1980 · 12/07/2009 17:35

Hi Ordination went very well. I am now an official 'clergy wife'! Coping with DS and all his grandparents while DH was away on retreat wasn't easy but I survived and I have just had a lovely first Sunday in the parish proper - so we shall see what is to come...

Our labradoodle puppy comes home tomorrow so that will add interest!

Hope all are well.

Shivster x

growingup · 13/07/2009 10:00

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