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Original poster

Any clergy wives??

231 replies

clergywife · 01/02/2009 16:07

Scuse name change...

my dh is a parish priest. I'm more and more realising how hard it is for me to maintain REAL friendships within the parish because i'm never just me, i'm his wife, i'm someone who may know stuff (rarely! lol), i'm a reminder of the disagreement they had with him last Sunday, I'm not just a random friend....

Is this unusual or am I normal in this?

Every now and again I think it's ok,. I've cracked it - but then I realise that I am not on equal footing however hard I try because they always perceive me as a link into the vicarage - whether psotiive or negative.

I'm not sure if it's cos I am young (late 20s) and if I were older I would have the same problems...

I am not being very concise, but i wanted to see if anyone had any experience....
When talking about this briefly earlier, I likened this to a gp's wife trying to have friendships with her dh's patients and dh nodded very sagely at that . So frustrating.

OP posts:
procrastinatingparent · 15/03/2009 19:55

Hi tassisssss (always wondered why you have so many 's's, btw!)

I haven't been for a couple of years (babies, etc) but I usually go on those organised by the Proclamation Trust
.
I find them really helpful, but Leicestershire may be too far for you if you're in Scotland.

Do any of you have any clergy wife friends in churches near you? I don't have too many around here but besides my 'sorority', I have a number of friends who are also on facebook - so that's a link I try to keep up. My biggest challenge in feeling supported is that life is just so busy that I only tend to get in touch with friends in similar positions when things are hard and I want a shoulder to cry on. I need to learn to share the encouraging things with them too!

ATM there is some negativity that is coming through to us, and I feel like I just don't want to do this job any more. But I try to console myself by thinking that we don't do it to be liked - and let's face it, it's not for the money!

tassisssss · 16/03/2009 16:05

PP, I used to be tassis, but someone popped on calling herself tassi and that just annoyed me (in a loving christian way of course!) so I added all the sssssssss to make a point because i was here first. Seriously childish, really should revert to tassis or think of new name.

I wondered if it might be the Proc Trust conference...we're in that camp too! As you say it's a long way to go, I keep meaning to check out their DVDs/CDs of the conferences. Sorry you're having a hard time atm, I sympathise. Thankfully I do have some lovley RL ministers wife friends and really should make more effort to get together with them...life is just so mad for us all with pre-schoolers. Anyway have 9-12 women coming round this evening to share what they learnt at a fab conf we went to last weekend so must go and tidy (seeing as I persuaded dh to take my littlies out for an hour!!).

procrastinatingparent · 17/03/2009 14:25

Hope you had a good time last night, tassisssss.

Although the PT stuff is a long way away, I really enjoy the chance to get away and not have any excuse NOT to think about my relationship with God, and my ministry to my family and to the church. And actually, the further away, the longer the child-free train journey and more books I get to read without being interrupted! Next time I go to a conference, I'm thinking of persuading a Scottish friend to come as well, so I'll tell you if she thinks it's too far!

tassisssss · 17/03/2009 14:32

actually PP, I looked up the conf details last night but unfortunately the "younger ministers wives" one is during the scottish summer school hols and we're away (a week courtesy of tesco points before Keswick convention) and the "older minister wives" one is just past. Which camp do you fit into?! It says more than 5 years in ministry and we're at 4.5 so by next year if I manage to go I'll be an older one which (at 33) is VERY scary!!

Nice to chat. Hope you're having a good day. Last night went well...great to hear people share what they're learning. xx

anonymous4this · 17/03/2009 14:37

just testing my name change...

anonymous4this · 17/03/2009 14:39

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procrastinatingparent · 17/03/2009 14:49

You are a mere babe in arms! I used to go to the summer one but now qualify for the spring one, as it's about 9 years in ministry for us now (obviously I don't look any older than 21) .

Last time I went to the spring one (about 3 or 4 years ago) there was a large age range there - and quite a few under 40, which is more my generation.

Thanks for the reminder about CDs - I should get this year's talks to help me 'go the distance' until next year.

Now I really should get off MN - pudding to make for the meeting tonight, community church newsletter to finish off, and bible study to prepare - a clergy wife's work is never done.

procrastinatingparent · 17/03/2009 14:55

hello, anon - I had never thought about the similarities between politicians and clergy before, but of course there is a public compenent for the couple as a whole, a need for discretion, and some ridiculous hours and demands on your family life.

I did marry DH knowing he was going to be clergy - but I know that's not true for lots of spouses. Was politics always on the table for you?

anonymous4this · 17/03/2009 15:08

sadly yes. dh told me he wanted to be an MP very early on and i married him knowing he'd been selected for a 'safe' seat but i had no clue about what our life would be like.

it's not all bad obviously but i don't get a chance to moan about it much, so this is quite liberating

people assume he's in charge of the local council so any complaints about council will come to him, or through me to him. he has no power over them though of course could ask them to reconsider something.
i have found it's useful to say something along the lines of 'oh you want to speak to my DH about that, he's the political one. one's enough in the family, hahaha'
but i mostly just nod politely and say 'mmmmm, i'll pass that on.....'

it also means dh is away lots and we moved here for his seat but have no family here to call on for help, that can make life seem even harder.

and if dh does something/doesn't do something to someone's satisfaction they moan to anyone in earshot.

he's only been an mp for under 4 years and sometimes it seems to be going well but recently we've heard lots of negativity going round about him - doesn't work hard enough, doesn't go to enough events, etc. is depressing, esp as i want him at home with me & the dcs as much as poss.

also i find people are bizarrely interested in the minutiae of our lives - they are desperate to come into our house so we are trying to host an annual thing here, starting this summer. i find it fun to plan but not so much fun to make small talk on the day - esp when i know these are people who have bitched about my dh

right, that's enough from me!!!

tassisssss · 17/03/2009 18:18

anon, that's so interesting to think of the similarities. I think in rural villages the doctor/headteacher's partner might feel some of the same, especially for friendship. One of the good things about city life (and having a job away from the home/church) is that there's a degree of anonymity I guess. The whole "goldfish bowl" thing is similar for sure.

PP - your to do list sounds so like mine, it's very reassuring!

justaboutback · 17/03/2009 19:43

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tassisssss · 17/03/2009 20:08

why hmmm, JA?

justaboutback · 17/03/2009 20:15

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tassisssss · 17/03/2009 20:24

thanks for explaining!

justaboutback · 17/03/2009 20:31

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anonymous4this · 18/03/2009 20:54

sorry disappeared for a bit.
(not so great at the namechanging thing!)

do you also find that you have to think twice about silly things that 'normal' people don't?

eg going to a clinic to weigh babies, have to remember that our surname is recognisable and how the dcs behave (& I) will reflect on DH and give the hvs some 'ammo' against him if there are any negatives.

even just out shopping we are 'known' but we don't know who's watching/recognising us.

so DH can be at a meeting and the person will say 'oh i saw your wife/kids out at x doing y, wearing z' etc.etc.

makes me a tad paranoid!

AMumInScotland · 18/03/2009 21:06

I think the strangest thing I found was when DS was tiny and I was out with the pram, and people would chat to us. I could never work ot if they were just chatting to "a new mum" or "the curate's wife" or if I had actually met them before - I felt that they all knew who I was, but I hadn't a clue who they were or whether I ought to know them. And yes the behaviour thing too - you do feel very visible. And you can't just have a bad day and assume no-one will notice!

anonymous4this · 18/03/2009 21:11

You're right MiS - a bad day is noticed! stops me losing it with the DCs in public though so that's a good thing

I always go ott about being polite. for example, i was walking home pushing one dc in the buggy the other day. a woman walking towards me was smiling at me and started talking to me. i didn't know if she 'knew' me through Dh (i didn't know her) so stopped and was polite, then she tried to give me a Jehovah's Witness leaflet.

i felt very silly - she didn't know me at all!

AMumInScotland · 18/03/2009 21:17

But you have to treat them as if they might! I could never tell the "strange little old ladies" from the "strange little old ladies who are on an important committee"

Oh, you're reminding me so much why I'm glad to just be a bum-on-seat now

justaboutback · 19/03/2009 11:34

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Clockface · 25/03/2009 09:58

Cor, reading this makes me aware of just how hard it can be to be in the public eye.

I remember a long time ago just after our vicar and his family had arrived, the vicar asked dh if he could split some logs for him (they were lucky enough to get a vicarage with an open fire!) So dh duly went and split the logs, then knocked on the vicarage door to sauy he's done it.

The vicar's wife, who must have been having a bad day and obviously hadn't met dh until then, opened the door and said very abruptly "Who are you and what do you weant?" Dh, bless him, stammered out "Umm...I've got some fire wood for you over there..." The vicar's wife later apologised for being so rude and we laugh about it now, but it jut gave us an insight into how pressurised she must have been for that kind of outburst.

shivster1980 · 27/03/2009 16:12

Well folks, as we approach Passion Sunday (Lent is disappearing fast!) I thought that I would send all the very best to those who are preparing themselves (justabout) and those who are supporting their DPs preparations for Holy Week and Easter. It is a seriously busy time in a vicarage/curate's house, but one of massive importance in the life of our faith and our Church.
This year we are still in theological college confines but no less busy during Holy Week I can tell you!
To all those who are thinking their vicar/curate looks a little frazzled, sod the egg buy them a large drink around Easter Sunday instead. Always a winner
All the best everyone!

procrastinatingparent · 05/05/2009 14:13

Just have to vent - yet another rude email to DH criticising him, and implying he is a self-serving liar and a bully. There is no concession to the fact that they have less than full information, no 'I was wondering why this has been done this way', no 'thanks for the hard work you have put in recently even though you have been ill and your father has died'. Just a Dear X, Why is this the case? Y'.

DH is very good at not being self-defensive and replying to these things graciously (which, along with his many other skills, is why he is so suited to the ministry), but I hate so much to see him under attack again at such a difficult time for him. There are lots of supportive people around, but there are also a crew whose minds don't seem to change and who would be ecstatic if we left tomorrow (which we don't intend to do).

I hate to see his enthusiasm and passion wilting under the stream of criticism and I'm struggling to love my enemies and pray for them! Sorry for the moan - I just wanted to vent to some others who might have been there too.

shivster1980 · 07/05/2009 19:25

procrastinatingparent - once again an example of how congregations seem to forget that their clergy are human beings. With spirits which can be dashed by a person's rudeness, lack of compassion or 'unfortunate manner'. These training colleges(one of which I inhabit at the moment) don't churn out unfeeling robots, unfortunately I feel that fact is not understood by some of the laity.
I really sorry that life is being made so difficult for you and your DH at the moment. I will offer to pray for you but may I also pass on something someone once said to me in a similiar situation "Don't let the barstewards grind you down!"

procrastinatingparent · 07/05/2009 21:16

Thanks, shivster, for your encouragement and prayers.

You are right about the 'unfeeling robots' assumption. If DH talked to people in the church with even a fraction of the aggression that some people use to him, he would be rightly rebuked for showing lack of self-control, etc (see 1 Tim 3:2-3!). There are so many people here who are lovely to us, and just a vocal few who make my blood boil, but I hear the latter much louder than the former.

Mind you, I fall so frequently into the trap of self-pity. I only have to look around at some of the women I know, struggling with redundancy, mental illness, death of loved ones, infertility, ill-health ... and I see how little my difficulties are!