Any clergy wives??

[clergywife]

Scuse name change...

my dh is a parish priest. I'm more and more realising how hard it is for me to maintain REAL friendships within the parish because i'm never just me, i'm his wife, i'm someone who may know stuff (rarely! lol), i'm a reminder of the disagreement they had with him last Sunday, I'm not just a random friend....

Is this unusual or am I normal in this?

Every now and again I think it's ok,. I've cracked it - but then I realise that I am not on equal footing however hard I try because they always perceive me as a link into the vicarage - whether psotiive or negative.

I'm not sure if it's cos I am young (late 20s) and if I were older I would have the same problems...

I am not being very concise, but i wanted to see if anyone had any experience....
When talking about this briefly earlier, I likened this to a gp's wife trying to have friendships with her dh's patients and dh nodded very sagely at that . So frustrating.

I was probably using too broad a generalisation with the 'clergy kids and perfect' comment and probably feeling a little oversensitive at the moment as our congregation is in general terms not welcoming to children (not just my DS) although the incumbent and my DH are working very hard to help resolve this issue! As the congregation grows with more young families the dynamic has changed and the other folk in the congregation need delicate handling otherwise there will be a major rift.

I came across the "...but your the vicar's daughter" a lot in my childhood and adolescence; however I have come across many many people in the many congregations we were a part of who welcomed us (as a family) as individuals and as human beings with all the frailty that comes with that.

It was also a selfish comment to make on my part because obviously my imaginary 'ideal child' would behave as I did in church. Quietly, with decorum! rather than like my brother who was quite the opposite... My boy is doing rather well under the circumstances and the more I relax and accept that the better he will behave.

Shivster, am not a clergy wife, or indeed even clergy, but I am a Reader/Licensed Lay Minister and if I can help at all, and I'm not imposing please let me know. I sometimes come here and lurk .

My DS is 9 and has Asperger Syndrome. (As in fact do I, but was only diagnosed a year after he was, and when I was halfway through my training). His behaviour both at school and at church at the moment is VERY challenging, and it can be very tough.

I don't know if this will help your congregation to understand - I am one of the named contributors, and the author is a MNer too:
www.oxford.anglican.org/document-manager/download-document/296-welcoming-those-with-autism-and-asperger-syndrome.html

(warning its 4.3Mb so may take a few mins to download, depending on your speed)

If the link doesn't work, then try going to www.oxford.anglican.org and searching for Autism.

Yes, I agree it did happen more in the past, and still can happen today. I'm a clergy child too so know about the burden of expectation from that end of the equation too. I hope that your congregation finds ways to be more accommodating, shivster - adjusting to these things can take a long time sadly.

MaryBS Thank you for the link that all looks really helpful. I appreciate your input.

Lurk away

We are working on them DandyDan For every 10 who complain there is one who comments on how lovely it is to see the children and young families.

I am not alone in wanting my child to behave appropriately in church and failing sometimes and I think that seeing the curate's wife having a struggle to manage behaviour in church makes it easier for other people whose children are 'lively' . So I can see this positively too.

Its true, it does make it easier for other families. I had a family come up to me and ask about DS, with concerns about their own child, and they only felt they could do that, I think, because of DS's own behavioural problems. The other thing is, that it gets easier and people become more tolerant.