Any clergy wives??

[clergywife]

Scuse name change...

my dh is a parish priest. I'm more and more realising how hard it is for me to maintain REAL friendships within the parish because i'm never just me, i'm his wife, i'm someone who may know stuff (rarely! lol), i'm a reminder of the disagreement they had with him last Sunday, I'm not just a random friend....

Is this unusual or am I normal in this?

Every now and again I think it's ok,. I've cracked it - but then I realise that I am not on equal footing however hard I try because they always perceive me as a link into the vicarage - whether psotiive or negative.

I'm not sure if it's cos I am young (late 20s) and if I were older I would have the same problems...

I am not being very concise, but i wanted to see if anyone had any experience....
When talking about this briefly earlier, I likened this to a gp's wife trying to have friendships with her dh's patients and dh nodded very sagely at that . So frustrating.

Glad it all went so well Shivster
Hi growingup

Just wanted to pop in and let you all know that a member of the church greeted me at coffee with the immortal words "ah you must be Mrs Curate" I should have answered "no I am Mrs --" but I was a chicken and just said "Yes" . He was a nice man though I didn't want to p* him off on first meeting!

A taste of things to come I feel...

Hello all,
Although I am not an ordained minster I work within the Methodist Church as a Pastoral & Outreach Worker. Looking at all the messages about making friends outside the church is interesting as I have just come to the decision that is what I need to do. The congregation do not see me as one of them but then I am apart from the ministers as they are ordained. We moved to Essex in April this year so that I could take up this position and so left all our friends behind. I know it is early days but thought by now people would start to relax a little with us?

Hello,

I hope you are all well.

I have an 'open house' at ours tomorrow. A delayed housewarming for the parish. Should be interesting.

Hello all,

I just remembered this thread again and thought I would pop a message on to say 'Hi' and ask how everyone's Advent is going?!

Good so far - but dh was on retreat last week (and the dc were ill so i didn't get to church on sunday). is that cheating?!

hi all!

I have come to this thread rather late, I realise! I will be officially a clergy wife in the spring and must admit, getting a little nervous about it. Had real issues when we moved so he could train, with regards to my identity. I had to give up my job because financially with 3 children it made more sense for me to stay at home, but I found it really hard. Finally have reached a place I am happy with and now we are moving. Quite worried about moving to a place i know nothing about, not near any of my old friends, and a bit worried about what my 'identity' so to speak will be, how i will fit into this. Up until DH trained, I have a good career etc and was busy and happy like that. I have managed to find lots to do here, but worried about what it will be like when we move. Had a quick look at some of the posts here, but just wondered if others had felt the same and how they dealt with it.

I just wanted to say welcome cheesypopfan. My situation was quite different to yours in that we didn't have children when we went to college and left with a preschooler. I am also glad that from what you say your time at college seems to have been a positive affirming experience on the whole (correct me if I am wrong!) where as I felt by the time we left I was 'ready' to leave. I bore college for the sake of the bigger picture (ie DH's formation and training)but personally found it a trial at times.
I am a fairly new wife of a curate as you will have seen from my post and on the whole I have found that change a happy one. My DS has just started nursery and so I am a little lost in the mornings!! (On the other hand I have never had such a clean tidy house!) I think if I had older children I would be able to be more involved in evening events and feel I miss out there a bit (but that is part of being a parent as much as the curate's wife!).
I hope the odd miniscule snippet of this stupidly long ramble is of use...

alittlebitshy Not cheating at all.

mmmmm. I have some to say on the difficulties of being involved, with small children, but as i need to wake one small child up in order to go and collect the other from school, i will save that for later

I still find church and 3yr old terrifying. Even more so now DH is curate and I am on my own. I endure Sundays and as our current church have no kids activities as such I take my own. I think I just feel my parenting is being assessed. I think that is a lot to do with personal insecurities rather than reality though - for the most part at least.

thanks shivster - sorry its taken me a while to reply! My children are 2, 7 and 13, so i am very used to the pantomime that is Sunday at church. I swing between feeling like my parenting skills/ children are being judged to hoping that if people see the (soon to be) clergy children occasionally (!!) being noisy etc in church, they may feel more comfortable about bringing their own. Someone suggested recently that the reason clergy children tend to play up more/ mess about/ be noisy in church is because to them it is like a second home - they feel comfortable there. Well, mine must be mighty comfortable!!!

I am quite apprehensive about moving, esp as where we are going has very little children's stuff and very few children. However, i have had lots of lovely comments from friends back 'home' who are looking forward to me being nearer, which has really helped. I had never moved out of my home town before this, so I am not used to moving, which doesn't help, but I am trying to look at the positives!!

Hello all!

cheesypopfan, sorry no-one replied, i liked what you said about our kids sometimes kicking off at church as it's like a second home to them. Have you moved yet?

thought I'd pop on with a book recomendation. I've just started reading "One with a Shepherd; Tears and Triumphs of a Ministry Marriage". Really liking it so far. It's American, and from a Conservation Evangelical perspective. But if that's not going to put you off you should give it a read, I'm finding it very encouraging.

xx

conservative, not conservation - really should proof read, sorry!

Hi everyone (I was procrastinatingparent but felt like a change)

Thanks, tassisssss - will check out book (and let you know how conference goes).

cheesypopfan: I do know what you mean about kids playing up in church - I know that no-one in our church has any misguided ideas about clergy children being perfect because my kids are quite disruptive lively. I don't mind it too much because I think people need to see that we are an ordinary family. I do want to work quite hard at trying to model parenting well in that although I can't completely control how my children behave, I can be calm, gracious, firm and forgiving in the way I treat them at church - easier said than done when I have loads of people to chat to and stuff to organise and newcomers to greet and I would just rather my kids would go away rather than nag me for drinks. But how I treat them sends a message to everybody else whether I like it or not!

If it's any consolation about moving I have moved around all my life - 22 different houses, 7 different schools, 3 countries - and I never find it easy to up sticks. I have had some good advice from missionary families about handling change which I will post if I can find it. All the best in your move.

Hi again, LPW. Wow that's an ENORMOUS amount of moves. I think it'd break my heart if we were called away from this place, really pray we're here for a LOT longer!

I'm at the stage where my youngest (20 months) has weeks where she's taken to creche before the first hymn's over as she's shouting "Daddy, daddy" and is desperate to go up to the front. Often she's the kind of noisy/cute that wouldn't bother dh at all if it were any other child but I can tell it's distracting him. I've discovered that if someone else takes her into church for me (has happened a couple of times recently as I've been roped into helping with Kidswork) she's absolutely angelic, little minx! My older daughter (3) can be tricky after church but a bag full of snacks helps a lot! Maybe I should just send her with a packed lunch...

Actually the lovely thing about our church is that it is very family friendly and there are heaps of teenagers and aunt-and-uncle-type people who my kids love sitting with rather than me - and for whom they are much better behaved! So, yes, tassisssss, I should farm them out every week.

It is a fair amount to have moved around, and I think I do feel a little uncomfortable where we are at the moment which is a small town with lots of people who have lived here all their lives. But putting down roots is a sign that you are engaging in relationships properly and I can see that the longer we are here, the more effective we are at this job in lots of ways.

We are actually heading up to Edinburgh next week to see friends so I hope your weather is warmer than ours at the moment - it's absolutely freezing here!

Sorry LPW, baltic here too. xx

The peeps at our church no longer have illusions that clergy children are beautifully behaved, well turned out and unceasingly polite, since we landed on them. ds is going through a phase (when do the phases end?) and dd appears to think she is 13 (she is 9.) It's always a fun time, is church......sigh.

sympathies all round.....I do actually think it's good for them to see we're actually pretty normal.

(Cold but sunny today, tassisssss and Edinburgh is lovely! I can understand why you don't want to move.)

We are having a wonderful time with two other clergy families this week - I am so enjoying being with other people who get our lives. Not only have they known us for a long time (always fabulous being with old friends) but they face so many of the same challenges and joys that we do.

So my new top tip for surviving as a clergy wife is to get some clergy wife friends. And if RL isn't obliging, there is always MN.

Well Hello- my first time posting and hopefully not my last. I am a clergy wife of 30 years so that probably makes me the oldest on this forum!! I am very young at heart though and still feel about 35.
I have read through lots of these postings and agree with you all. its a tough life being a clergy life- lonely at times too.
Dont want to put a dampner on your chat but have to say that after 30 years my 4 sons and I feel very negative about the whole clergy experience and the fact that we have seen very little of the vicar over that time and relationshios are remote. Any words of advice or comfort needed badly.

LPW - yes completely agree about clergy wife friends who get you. I get together regularly with college friends and it is so refreshing to just be real.

Mumikins - hello and welcome to the thread. I am so sorry to hear that you feel negative about the whole thing. please don't feel you are putting a dampener on the thread, hopefully it is a place where we can be honest and real, and not pretend all is rosy, because it often isn't. don't have many words of advice, not knowing the ins and outs of your situation but it does sound like the work/life balance (I hate that phrase!) is somewhat skewed - sorry for being thick, when you say the vicar I assume you mean your dh? I'm sad to hear that relationships are remote. I do have to say that my dh makes the effort to give us lots of time and that it can be possible, so it's not that all life with clergy is like this. perhaps you need to sit down and say exactly how you feel. Clergy spice can easily feel left out of things and sidelined, the job necessarily can take over life somewhat. but the balance can be found, particularly if you feel like you are working toward the same purpose together - do you feel like you are, or do you feel disinterested in and removed from what he is doing and what his goals are?
sorry, not much help, but didn't want to leave this unreplied to. I would be happy to talk more, if you like.

Mumikins I am fairly new to clergy wifedom (I think I made up that word!) but not to life in a clergy household. My Dad was a vicar. I have no real advice but just wanted to say that I empathise somewhat.

My Mum was certainly beginning to express some negative feelings towards the 'clergy experience' around the time of Dad's 25th anniversary of ordination (2003). My Dad was a workaholic who was very pastorally aware when it came to matters of the church but not great at understanding the needs of his family. He never took a day off - we would go out on day trips via the crem so he could do a funeral on the way (we would wait in the car). He expected us to behave in a certain way and always keep up a certain image. He took for granted the many extra jobs my Mum took on in each parish we were in. He was a very able priest and very loved and appreciated in his parishes as well of course. This sounds very negative and there were some really hard times but my parents love for one another and Mum's devotion to Dad was never in doubt and I suspect this is the reason we all stayed together.

My DH is a very different person to my Dad. He balances his life better. He is incredibly laid back and relaxed about things, combined with being very well organised! We are different as a partnership anyway and far more equal. I believe fervently that our clergy experience will be very different to the one I experienced as a child because of this.

I speak in the past tense because my Dad died (age 62) in October 2008. Having retired on ill health grounds in 2004. My Mum says those four years that they were retired - despite Dad's failing health and the fact that Mum was nursing him for the whole four years - were some of the best years they had together. That speaks volumes to me.

So in a long and rambling way I wanted to assure you Mumikins of my prayers and let you know that you are not alone in having negative feelings. Sorry this is so long and rambly!

Hi shivster, how is clergy wifedom going for you?

Hello ,
Not bad at all thank you. I am happy I think.
Started a new children's initiative in the Sunday service which is really exciting and completely my idea - no pressure from anyone. That is helping to save my sanity on Sunday mornings!
Planning on getting up to the bar one night a week (we have a licensed bar in the church centre ) to meet up with people and get to know some of them a bit better.
All in all, going ok thanks.
How are you?