Any clergy wives??

[clergywife]

Scuse name change...

my dh is a parish priest. I'm more and more realising how hard it is for me to maintain REAL friendships within the parish because i'm never just me, i'm his wife, i'm someone who may know stuff (rarely! lol), i'm a reminder of the disagreement they had with him last Sunday, I'm not just a random friend....

Is this unusual or am I normal in this?

Every now and again I think it's ok,. I've cracked it - but then I realise that I am not on equal footing however hard I try because they always perceive me as a link into the vicarage - whether psotiive or negative.

I'm not sure if it's cos I am young (late 20s) and if I were older I would have the same problems...

I am not being very concise, but i wanted to see if anyone had any experience....
When talking about this briefly earlier, I likened this to a gp's wife trying to have friendships with her dh's patients and dh nodded very sagely at that . So frustrating.

We have a meal to go toon Friday night, it doesn't really count because it is hosted by our Assistant Priest and his wife and our Vicar and his wife and the Vicar from the neighbouring parish are all going too. I suspect they will all 'talk shop' all evening. I don't really mind as at least it gets us out of the house together! :-)

When we are invited to the Bishop's on occasion he always makes it very informal and they are really nice evenings. I did feel sorry for the one bloke who turned up wearing clericals the last time though...even the Bishop was in an open necked shirt!

I am struggling a bit this week. My Dad died two years ago on Friday. Thinking about him makes my heart ache. As I am sure I have said in the past, he was a priest. He spent his life in the service of God and others (as I am sure we all do) and although there were many many periods of illness and now his earthly ministry has ended - he shall be a priest forever.

My Dad's illnesses were all in some way worsened/effected by the constant levels of stress he was under and his stubbornesss which wouldn't allow him to admit defeat when he should have. He was not only ravaged by illness for as long as I can remember(the first time he came close to death was when I was 6 years old), he was also assaulted no less than three time in one parish,and abused and taunted regularly in the street in another. His ministry was not an easy road but following Christ is not an easy path as we all know. If you spoke to Dad about his ministry he would say that it had been a blessing, a God given blessing and one which he probably wouldn't have changed given the chance.

Now I am married to a priest. DH is a totally different character to my Dad, who approaches work and life in general in an altogether different way. He is also at the very beginning of his ministry and therefore it is time for any bad habits that may lead to burn out in the future to be ironed out as much as is humanly possible, and despite the trials and tribulations of life with a priest I will be there to iron them out with him.

Sorry this is so long. I was on a roll Feel free to ignore any pointless ramblings!

Shivster :( about your dad. Will say a prayer for you. I would love to come to dinner with you anytime!

Feel rather wobbly atm. dh is as I say in Uganda for 2 weeks and my school friends are all being lovely and supportive, ringing up etc but silence from church people who were all gushing 'if there is anything I can do'...etc, would have been lovely just to be invited out for dinner or even if someone dropped by or phoned. feel a bit let down and tearful - probably mainly because missing dh and finding it pretty tough without him physically :(

shivster, sorry about your Dad. The grief thing just keeps on popping up doesn't it? Your dad sounds amazing, how wonderful to know that he's with his Lord and Saviour now (though realise you still miss him like crazy).

madhairday - sorry church folk aren't looking after you better, when's your dh home? I wonder if there's something in us minister's wives that makes us hard to look after? I think because we're generally so super competent (yeah right!) we give off the impression of not really needing help maybe? Or do people not want to offer because we're somehow on a different plain?! I dunno. I think back to my 3rd pregnancy when there were times when I was crying out for some help (physically pretty sore) but then I was busy organising events, cooking for masses and heavily involved in running a church holiday club (including creche in manse) at about 8 weeks post natal (Aaaaaaaaargh! My point being I don't help myself!).

As for the time off, we all need to nail this. I'm on holiday this week after a crazy run of stuff on a Saturday (supposedly dh's day off) plus new things being slotted into the weekly schedule and we really, really need to redress the family/couple/work balance. I always come home from holidays with fresh resolve to sort our lives out and this is my new target, oh yeah!! Wee date night out tonight for the first time in what seems like ages and ages, can't wait!

Hope you have a great time tassisssss

Have been really hooked in to BBC news channel today watching the miners appear and seeing their faith and prayers. Amazing and so moving

Day off tomorrow, planning on taking dh to B&Q to buy paint for the kitchen, had a cupboard taken off the wall 2 years ago and there is still bare plaster where it used to be.

Wonder if crying at the news, sorting the house out and having bigger boobs than normal (and they hurt!!) is a sign of pregnancy or just life?

Gosh - I haven't been on here a lot recently, but so glad to see this thread still going. Shivster, sorry to hear about your dad , will pray for you.

Its been mad here. Found it really hard to settle at first and then got a job in August working 4days a week.

Having struggled big style with the tradition of the church and the negativity of some of the leaders regarding whether the congregation would go for anything new (DH in team parish with three vicars - two very supportive, one very negative) i was really starting to lose my way a bit. However, they did agree to let me start a sunday school and a traidcraft stall (tho the vicar was v. negative about both) and we launched this Sunday. Amazingly, four children (as well than my 2) came to SS, which was incredible as it is often just mine at church and I sold nearly £100 worth of stuff on the stall. All the cingregation were so supportive and it really has made me think so much more positively about it all and has really opened my eyes to how great some of the members of the church are.

Finally feel like I am settling in :)

That's brilliant cheesy, but so sorry you are encountering such negativity from the vicar. This seems to be the lot of many ministers. We are in a similar sounding situation and I get worn out with those opposing the changes dh is trying to implement (he's only a humble curate so doesn't have much say!) it can be pretty discouraging at times. But then when you go for it look what can happen, as you have recounted.

Hope it all keeps coming together for you and that this is the first step to it being a great experience for your family.

Still missing dh in Uganda, he's back next mon. I'm so so shattered! But on the home straight now :)

madhair - just read that your DH is away and you are feeling a bit forgotten by the parish. Its really hard sometimes isn't it. I know when DH went away for two weeks when he was training, I desperately wanted someone from the college community to just knock on or ask if I was ok and felt even more lonely when they didn't.I felt I was going crazy on my own with the kids. But, I also know that i often give the impression i am coping fine, when I really could do with some help (my own worst enemy) - just like tass. nevertheless, it doesn't help you does it? Hope you manage to get some rest. I know its not much, but we are with you in spirit.
You soo deserve a big lie in upon your DH's return!!

Hi DH is about to become incumbent for first time - until now has been non-stipendiary. Bit nervous TBH about finances - he will earn about 1/6th of what his salary was before. I work though. Children off our hands so perhaps not a great problem? I do wonder however how clergy families with lots of children and non-working wife/husband manage!!

Hi Swampy, welcome to the thread.
We have been ok financially but wouldn't be without CTC, I also get DLA but we keep that aside for stuff related to my illness. We would be struggling without the ctc tbh, but it's not awful. My dad was a vicar and I remember eating beans on toast because that was all we could afford at the end of the week and buying clothes from charity shops (cheap then). We also couldn't afford to heat the vicarage. Things seem a lot easier now somehow.

I do understand though as dh also took a big dip in salary when he went into this. However, I would say that we have seen God's faithfulness incredibly and somehow been ok. You will be fine. Are you moving, will the church provide you with a house? Hope all goes well.

Like madhairday, we manage because of CTC. We have several children and I do some voluntary work, plus being SAHM and supporter of OH. Financially it's been less easy than it could have been and parents have helped out (when the power steering broke on our car and cost £1K to mend). We have been lucky in that our last place, there was a diocesan "child provision", with extra bit of money available for each child in the family. But not where we are now (the lowest stipend in the country and no child provision either). But the church patrons provide some money for office equipment, and we have applied when necessary to the Sons of the Clergy foundation. We have no savings, and no house of our own though. But life is pretty well manageable most of the time. You'll be fine.

madhairday is your dh back yet? I know just where you were(are?) at as my dh has now gone off to S Africa for 19 days (counting? me?).

I am rubbish as a solo parent and live through eh days for my time on my own in the evening (my own tv choices and an early night). My mum and dad are coming up for a few odd overnights (mainly to cover my work evening) and I am also living for those at the moment.

One lovely parishioner (sunday school teacher ) has invited me and the dc round for dinner on wednesday which is lovely. I cannot remember the last time we were invited to a parishioner's house for any meal. A few parties yes but nothing specific. Wonder if she will regret it when she sees my dc's table habits .

Am trying not to be wicked shouty mummy but dd (7) and i always clash (:() and when i am stressed it is worse. ds (2) is lovely but very full on and full of cold at the moment. Luckily nights are ok at the moment [crosses finger etc]

I am wondering if dh will be shattered when he comes back or if he will feel refreshed. I think last time he went on a mission he came back pretty happy.

swampy what an exciting time though!!! When does he start?

We manage just about ok. dare i admit it but our dd is at a private school and ds will go too. it is a real struggle and involves many many sacrifices - some of which you don't even think about because you have never been lucky enough to have them if that makes sense (eg foreign holidays, posh cars, free flowing cash) but somehow we survive. we do have lodgers (ideally 2 at a time) and we are lucky enough to have money saved (much of it inheritance/trusts from dh's childhood). We also have a house that dh bought just after he got ordained (when he still had savings from his former life) which is rented out (rent pays the mortgage) so we know we have somewhere to live when he retires. beyond that though we expect to be a lot worse off as the years go by and we whittle away the savings to educate the dc.

Hi alittlebitshy

He's back tomorrow. And yes I totally know what you mean. Have been counting down the days and finding it pretty difficult, and also living to chill out in the evenings. the dc have been great but do fight a fair bit (10 and 7) and me and dd also clash quite a bit and I end up using my rag and then feeling guilty and crap.

I'm also wondering how dh will come back - he's been tired and burnt out of late so hoping this will have done some refreshing work. I guess he will be shattered after flying all night and go straight to bed tomorrow morning when he gets back.

I've realised since he went just how much he does. He's my carer and although I've had a pretty good 2 weeks health wise it's been incredibly hard just to keep on top of stuff. I'm just thankful I haven't had a bad exacerbation of my condition. :)

All the best - you'll be fine!

Thanks to all of you for your advice! Yes I guess we'll be fine. One plus of course is that we don't have to maintain the vicarage! We're letting out our own house to cover the mortgage and the kids are off our hands. Hope we'll manage the occaisional foreign holiday as I do love travel

Exciting times!!

madhairday just re reading this thread and wondered how you are now? I find I get sick after the pressure is off and my body stops. Pray that wasn't the case for you when your dh came home.

Great evening yesterday when the Bishop visited to Confirm and Baptise. Wonderful to see 7 of our youngsters wanting to stand up for their faith. :)

Why is it thou that there is a backlash when something great is happening? :(

Hi eaglewings, thanks so much for asking. Funnily enough I did get a chest infection that week he came home, it was also half term so was hard going with the dc at home. Recovered now though :)

We also had a big baptism at church on sun - 5 baptisms of kids between 8 and 11. Great stuff.

KWYM re backlash. It so often is the case - it's the times we need to find the most strength that attack rushes in in all sorts of forms. I love Ephesians 6 for this :)

Glad you are feeling better now, I love half term but need a holiday either side!

How is it going with everyone?

Does anyone else find this time of year sooo exhausting with the OHs doing even more than ever? I love Christmas but so many services and extra stuff going on, it just feels so manic. But I guess I wouldn't have it any other way.

Hope you are all doing ok

Hello all! Just checking in.

DH is off on a deanery residential tonight.

Hope all are well!

Hiya shivster. How is it all going? How is ds now.
My dh is also on a residential curate thingy this weekend, he's wondering if they'll all get snowed in there

Hello all,

madhairday my DS is doing much better this half term - school are great. DS is being assessed and may be autistic. This is not a supprise to me but might help explain to you all why we are struggling in parish (and school) with DH's 'position' and our DS's behaviour.

For some reason clergy kids are meant to be perfect?!?!?! If I am an example then I disprove that theory already as does my DB!

Me too shiv! Me and my brothers found this very difficult growing up, and expected to be the most well behaved in the church - we certainly weren't - my dc are not either, sometimes I feel I am being judged - dd is dyspraxic and slightly hyper and ds just typical 7 yr old boy, ie wants to climb all over the pews rather than sit down and listen. Oh the joys.

Glad ds is getting an assessment and that school are being so helpful, I know having a dx will make things clearer and if not easier at least will help explain things for you.Don't worry about what they think in church.

"For some reason clergy kids are meant to be perfect?!?!?!"

There will be a minority of people who think this in churches, but most members of the congregation are quite used to a)people with families b)clergy with kids who are active/noisy.

"not being perfect" is not the same thing as "being wild" though. I would not be happy with my kids (or any kids) climbing over pews (from pew to pew). Every child needs to be accommodated for a certain amount of noise and movement, but at the same time needs to learn that church services are not a place where anything goes, and to treat the building and the worship with respect.

My kids weren't/aren't perfect but are still liked by the congregation and supported in their growing-up, wild teen phases and all.

Glad that assessment is helping and the school is a big support.

Agreed Dandy, I said ds wants to climb, I don't let him (with difficulty sometimes!!) but he gives it a good go, and at times I fail when can't physically cope.

I do think children should learn to respect the building etc but also hate it when children are suppressed and expected to almost be seen and not heard. I think there should be a freedom for them to be children. It's just the balance between that and wildness I guess.

From my experience unfortunately a lot of people in churches do think clergy kids should be angels. I'm quite glad mine aren't, though.

I do find that surprising though. Most congregations have seen multiple clergy families come and go and all the attendant angst of clergy kids rebelling not just in the usual way, but sometimes more extremely since they might be fighting against the whole clergy/God thing. Perhaps we have just had very understanding and supportive congregations - not that our kids have been dire, but as with most kids, they have brought their challenges. Most people know that their own children and grandchildren have not been perfect either (nor themselves).

All that said, as a parent, I am aware of my own expectation of my children, because even after all of the above, you still want your kids to be polite, well-behaved, and some of their behaviour may feel as if it rebounds on your skill as a parent.

I felt it a lot growing up Dandy, but I guess things have changed for the better and most congregations perhaps have some more understanding. However I do still come across it.

I still remember the words 'but you're the vicar's daughter!' being said at me a lot as a teenager and someone didn't like my choice of clothes/music/friends/social life. I hated it and so am probably sensitive to it for my dc.

I also do want my dc to be polite and well behaved and invest a lot of energy in that, but they are very ermmm excitable children and need a lot of calming down so it can be more hard work sometimes, and getting disapproving looks on top of it all can be pretty discouraging.

Glad you've come across positive congregations on this issue.