Any clergy wives??

[clergywife]

Scuse name change...

my dh is a parish priest. I'm more and more realising how hard it is for me to maintain REAL friendships within the parish because i'm never just me, i'm his wife, i'm someone who may know stuff (rarely! lol), i'm a reminder of the disagreement they had with him last Sunday, I'm not just a random friend....

Is this unusual or am I normal in this?

Every now and again I think it's ok,. I've cracked it - but then I realise that I am not on equal footing however hard I try because they always perceive me as a link into the vicarage - whether psotiive or negative.

I'm not sure if it's cos I am young (late 20s) and if I were older I would have the same problems...

I am not being very concise, but i wanted to see if anyone had any experience....
When talking about this briefly earlier, I likened this to a gp's wife trying to have friendships with her dh's patients and dh nodded very sagely at that . So frustrating.

Sorry to hear your story Mumikins. Sadly I know far too many clergy who are workaholics and (I think) neglect their families for the job. Obviously there are workaholics in many professions but there are a couple of aspects of clergy life which make it a real trap. One is that the job is never ending - you can always do more, and the second is that you are doing for something more than the money (let's face it, who would do it for the money ) and that's a pretty powerful motivation to want to put everything into it. I'm sure there are lots of other reasons too.

I'm really grateful that I am not married to a workaholic - DH is fantastic at putting us first as much as he can. A vicar once said to a group of clergy wives I was in that the first congregation to which you minister should be your spouse and family - and the other people come after that. I agree!

Glad you have found a way to contribute shivster - I think it makes a real difference to find a way you yourself can serve the church.

Going well thanks sivster. at your bar in the church centre, sounds fab. We have a money pit of a huge old Anglican church which is impossible to heat.

The children's initiative sounds interesting, what is it you are doing? Glad you have found something that is all yours. I work with the children too and also do a lot on the admin/publicity/web side of things, so keep busy. The church however sadly is mainly elderly so it's been hard to find peers, I have made some really good friends at school though. We are working on bringing the church into this century....

I can relate to that madhairday our congregation are 'more mature' and are deeply suspicious of/resistant to change.

The children's thing is a little idea which they had been floating around before we arrived but which noone wanted to take responsibility for. It is a preschool story time during the sermon slot which I have extended to include some simple linked craft, learning action songs and some age appropriate prayer. It is hard work keeping the momentum going by myself but I am enthusiastic so that's what counts. Would you believe the congregation felt that we should "pay somebody professional" to do children's work rather than do it ourselves?!?!?! Weird viewpoints here sometimes!

I also follow our college principal's advice to the letter... he said

"Always have a bottle of gin and some tonic in the house - always"

Top tip!

Hello again!

Shivster, i have been reading your posts with interest as DH is getting ordained this June and I am officially bricking it now! We are moving to a very traditional parish - on of the churches in the team is a forward in faith church - and it is a lot higher than I am used to. DH is fine with it all as he thinks he will be get on well with the incumbent. I have made some really good friends here and am really nervous about feeling isolated again - never mind the hell of moving. Plus my 13yr old really, really doesn't want to move.

Sorry - that was a bit of a moan, really. Its not all that bad....honest....

Hello cheesypopfan

I remember the trepidation last year. Although I had a mixed experience in college which I wont go in to and felt relieved to be off.

Are you returning to your sending diocese? Are you happy with the accomodation they are providing? We didn't have a house when it was agreed we would come here because the old curate's house had been sold a few years previously. So that was a worry.

Are you 'on-site' at college? We found that careful communication was required around moving days otherwise the crews would have struggled on the stairs.

I can understand your 13 year old not wanting to move. I think from personal experience my Dad's moves in my early teens were the hardest for me . However I and many others survived relatively unscathed .

Wishing you well for June! That is a fabulous day! The blooming retreat was hard work though (for me not him!) especially since DMUM and DMIL and DPIL were all staying too... oh bu**er got to do it again in June this year!!! Yikes.

PS Your DH's relationship with the incumbent is very important, I have some friends who have really struggled with issues with their training incumbent.

We have ended up in the correct place for DH and for us I truely believe. Our incumbent is great.

Thanks Shivster. yes, i know DH's relationship with incumbent will be really crucial, so i know, at least on some level, that this will be a good move.

We have accomodation sorted - we have been given a vicarage which is fab - loads of space and in good nick, so happy with that! I know some people who still haven't got accomodation sorted - i think I would be having a nervous breakdown by now if that was me!!

Yes, we are 'on site' but we will be the first to move - i am actually going to do it on my own with the kids in half term, to try and get the kids settled before starting new schools - DH can't come with me as he will still have things to do in college, but he will join us three/ four days later. Not too worried about that, TBH - MIL is great and will help. But DH has got his leaver's retreat here, then his ordination retreat and then, a week after his ordination, he has to go away for three days to a conference (this also clashes with DD1's birthday and our anniversay, so I am not looking forward to all that!

Did you go on holiday the summer following ordination? many people have said it is essential, but I'm not sure we can afford it.

Hi cheesypopfan - I totally know where you are coming from as we started our curacy 18 months ago, and leaving college was really daunting - it felt almost like I'd been in some kind of bubble for 2 years, made so many good friends and the children loved it so much - then we had to leave and go to a church which really wasn't 'me' - like you more traditional than I was used to. However, we both strongly felt God was calling us here and he has shown this in many ways, and it's actually so exciting despite being a complete drag at times! The one thing I would advise is to keep in touch with your college friends - they will become even more important when you get out there - no one else understands in quite the same way.

Like shivster I grew up in a clergy home and we moved when I was 13. It was hard, but my family always made it about all of us, not ust dad, and we felt we were in it together. I have no regrets at all about having to do that move becuase it led to some really awesome stuff. It is hard, but it can be so rewarding alongside that.

What college are you at? or don't worry if you don't want to say!!

We did go on holiday that summer but only a week in wales, it was too manic and expensive really with the move, but it was nice to get away. Oh and we did New wine too as we do that every year.

all the best - we're here to support you too.

We didn't get away last summer. We did however buy a dog though - that was a lovely time and a great way to settle into the house. He came home 2 days after DH's ordination.

I was at R C C - only just been brave enough to say! I wanted to retain my anonimity for as long as possible but I think I am safe now this far down the line!!

Have namechanged for this.

Thanks for the thread - DH is a parish priest. I know what you mean about people in the congregation either trying to get you to pass things on or assuming you know more than you do. I'm lucky that we're in a city (people were nosier in our previous parish) and that I work so have friends outside church.

Apologies for slight hijack: is anyone a clergy wife (or husband) and not a Christian? I go to church and am generally sympathetic, but wasn't brought up a Christian and haven't changed my views. I never tell anyone at church outright, though they must see that I have a blessing rather than take communion. They seems quite accepting, though who knows what they say behind my back. I'd love to 'meet' someone else in the same position, as I never have done in RL.

Welcome heathenwife

I am not in the same position as you with regard to personal faith, but we were at college with a couple who were in the same position as you. So I just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone in this even if people in the same position as you are trickier to find...

Hi heathenwife, welcome.
I'm a Christian myself but like shivster know some clergy couples where the wife/husband doesn't share the faith, so there are people around. I'm glad the people at your church are accepting to you.

Shivster and madhairday, thanks for the welcome and for the reassurance that I'm not the only one. I'd wondered whether I'd get a chorus of 'how could you?'

thanks for sharing your experiences shivster and madhairlady. I think keeping in touch with college friends will be essential to my sanity!! I think I just need to chill out a bit! I am at C H D if that makes sense!!

Yes it does cheesy. I was at S J N

heathenwife, I would hope no one would say something like that. it's great to have you on board.

I am really glad this thread is active again it is really good to be in communication with people in the same/ a similiar situation. Life in a clergy household is rather unique in many ways.

heathenwife - I agree with madhairday I would be and if you had got that response. Not to mention disappointed. However we are a good lot so you haven't and you are more than welcome here.

It is also funny that our spouses came through different colleges, yet we are all united by their common vocation and by mumsnet.

cheesypopfan - don't be too hard on yourself it is easy to chill out when you have settled and have some idea about what your new life is like. It is far more difficult to chill out when you are in your position.

I didn't mean to imply that you seemed judgmental on this thread. You didn't, which is why I posted .

It's good to hear about your experiences. DH and I meet up with his college friends occasionally, and that's been really useful for keeping perspective and comparing situations.

It sounds as if the current generation of clergy is sometimes better at preserving time for family life than was the case in the past. My DH is good at it, for which I'm very grateful.

But how much time do you manage to spend together? DH's day off is when I'm working, and he's busy all weekend, so sometimes we feel like ships that pass in the night.

That is difficult HW, could he possibly change his day off to a Saturday so you can have some time together, I think it's vitally important. dh and I have a day off together on fridays which works well but he also has a policy of 'not seeking work' on a saturday, ie doing the bare minimum so he gets to spend time with the dcs and if we are out for the day at something it won't cut into his time too much - he works enough evenings to more than make up for it anyway. Do you get many/any evenings together?

I am a SAHM at the moment so we do manage DH's day off together - Morning alone (DS at nursery) afternoon all three of us. I can imagine some reorganisation will be needed when I finally return to work.

My DH also doesn't do anything other than morning prayer on a Saturday, unless there is a last minute sermon emergency... doesn't happen much though DH is incredibly organised, far more than me !

The evenings are a bit lonely though - I mumsnet, twitter, facebook ad infinitum!

I like the idea of not seeking work on Saturdays. Whenever possible, DH does take some time on Saturday afternoons.

We periodically discuss whether Saturday would be a better day off, but at the moment it doesn't seem like a great solution because it would so often be lost to weddings, jumble sales etc.

We do manage evenings together fairly often, which is nice. Less so in Lent, though. Sorry to hear yours are a bit lonely, Shivster.

They are keen on meetings here! PCC comes around with alarming regularity and the problem seems to be the meetings all tend to fall in the same week each time.

So we do have some easy weeks and then some hellish ones but that is par for the course.

Being default childcare all the time means life can be a bit lonely for me, but maybe when we have been here longer and I know who to trust I may have more accessible babysitters!

shivster - DH tries to have as many meetings as possible at our house.

Downside: I have to tidy up and provide biscuits.

Upside: I have a tidier house and I can go out if I want to - see friends, babysit for my babysitting circle, go to the cinema!

Thanks LadyPeterWimsey

That sounds like a plan for when he is in charge! DH is in his first year of his curacy and so we go with the flow at the moment... but things will change as time goes on.

We do that as well LPW. I get dh to make the tea and biscuits :D