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Original poster

DP dismisses my religion and I’m hurt

160 replies

ThomasRichard · 27/12/2018 20:20

I’ve been with DP for 2 years; I have 2 DC (not his) and he’s about to move in. I’m a Christian, he’s atheist. Marriage is really important to me and while we’re living together without being married I’m restricted on what I can do at church because sex outside marriage is a big no-no. For me, it’s also negatively affecting the way I feel about myself and also worries me in an eternal-perspective view. He knew the full details of my religious views when we started dating and I have brought up the marriage aspect periodically. At the beginning of the year I went through this with him again and he said we could get married. I waited a few months, no proposal, so brought it up again and he said he felt it was too early. I was a bit confused but waited. Still nothing 7 months later so I approached it with him again last night and he spent half an hour rubbishing my beliefs, pointing out how illogical and meaningless they are, and telling me that I shouldn’t care what other people think. I tried to explain to him that it was about how I felt about myself too but I was crying and I just didn’t get it across very well. He doesn’t want to get married until ‘it feels right’.

I’m so hurt. Not even particularly about him not wanting to get married, more about the way he completely dismissed my feelings and beliefs and tried to talk me out of having them. I don’t understand how he can love me if he’s ok with me feeling humiliated in my social circle when he doesn’t have any particular reason for not getting married, he just wants it on his own timing. I don’t like the way he told me - in not so many words - that my beliefs are stupid and illogical so nothing that I feel about them is valid or should be considered. It’s really left me questioning whether this is a good relationship. In all other ways he is kind, hardworking and fun to be with. But he was so dismissive and rude last night that I’m shocked and deeply hurt.

Has anyone else had a partner who disagrees with their beliefs? How did you square it? Or not?

OP posts:
madmum5811 · 27/12/2018 20:22

What are you restricted from doing at church?

UtterlyDesperate · 27/12/2018 20:23

Honestly, I'd bin him off. He's dismissive about something important to you - why do you even want to marry someone like this?

I think differing religious approaches only work when there's respect on both sides, and I honestly don't think he's showing yours any.

Original poster
ThomasRichard · 27/12/2018 20:28

@madmum5811 I’m effectively ex-communicated so I can’t take communion, teach, speak in services or take part in some activities.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/12/2018 20:30

Don't live with him. You are compromising yourself for the benefit of a man who is intolerant of your core beliefs. You have nothing to gain from living with him - the benefits are all his.
My nan would have said that he's not going to buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free. It's a blunt way to put it but I think if you want to get married then don't give him all the benefits of being wed until he is willing to commit
Or (and I like this better), get rid so you csn meet a man who respects you.

Original poster
ThomasRichard · 27/12/2018 20:31

@UtterlyDesperate so far he hasn’t loved my religious bits but has accepted that I take the children to church and other activities, say grace and do scripture study with them, without much comment. I know he thinks it’s all total crap but he’d never speak to anyone else about their religion in the way he spoke to me last night.

OP posts:
madmum5811 · 27/12/2018 20:32

That is high church. I think I would be looking for a more tolerant church. Having said all that you partner should respect your beliefs. He has known since he met you. I think he just went off on one. I would not move in together until you are married because you will be so unhappy living together in sin as it were. Gawd never thought I would be typing that phrase.

Celebelly · 27/12/2018 20:33

I think sometimes things like this aren't feasible long-term. I'm an atheist and wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who was religious as our beliefs and philosophies would be too different, but he's chosen to be in a relationship with you knowing your beliefs so he either needs to accept you have them and deal with it and respect them or make the decision that you aren't compatible and end it.

I do think you need to stop talking about marriage. If you mentioned it at the start of this year, you'd only have been together a year (and that's a short time to get married to someone, especially when there's children in the picture). I'm not sure I'd like to feel pressured into marrying someone because of religious reasons that I don't share.
Respect for beliefs goes both ways – you don't want someone to marry you because they've been guilted into it or pressured just because your church choses to treat you in a certain way. It's not really his fault that you're excluded from things.

Ragwort · 27/12/2018 20:34

Why are you with someone who is so dismissive of something that is very important to you? You are clearly not compatible, his being in your life is limiting your involvement with your Church. Have some confidence & self respect and tell him that your strongly opposing views mean that there is no future together for you.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 27/12/2018 20:41

Don't have him move in.
Why are you prevented from doing things? Because you are already having sex outside marriage? I guess he didn't force you to do that? If it's making you unhappy, stop doing it - the sex and the relationship.

Fontofnoknowledge · 27/12/2018 20:49

Why have you moved in with a man you are not married to - if your region is such a core part of you and it is clearly against the 'rules' .? This makes absolutely no logical sense.

You can't impose your beliefs on someone who doesn't hold them. You should have had this conversation first.

Him : Shall we move in together ?, I love you and your children.

You : That would be wonderful. I love you too but marriage is to important to me to ignore. It's a fundamental part of my belief system and I would be very unhappy to go against my beliefs. Are you happy to get married first.

Him : Oh, I'm not sure. It feels a bit too soon.

You : That's fine, I understand. No I won't move in yet then. Let's keep living separately for now until you are happy to marry or we decide its not to be.

Him : Ok, I didn't realise your religion was so important to you. I now see that and respect your decision. Let's see how things go in the next few months.

(Sadly, because you dumped your 'rules' and moved in with him, you sent a very loud message that it was t that important to you. )

You have two choices.
Move out
Accept that he won't marry you and you will have to change your place of worship to a more liberal place.

53rdWay · 27/12/2018 20:52

Seriously reconsider whether you can have the future you want in this relationship. It is possible to make relationships work with very different beliefs, but that needs both of you being respectful about where the other one’s coming from. He clearly isn’t able or willing to do that.

LaurieFairyCake · 27/12/2018 20:53

I'm confused

Is your husband dead or are you divorced?

If you're divorced then surely that's the reason you're not allowed to do certain aspects of church?

If you stop having sex are you then allowed to do these aspects of church?

MaraScottie · 27/12/2018 20:55

It's unfair to pressure your boyfriend something as important as marriage in someone because of YOUR beliefs.

Also confused why you moved in with him in the first place tbh.

TheFaerieQueene · 27/12/2018 20:56

I think you are too incompatible.

I’m an atheist and couldn’t have a relationship with a religious person. I’m sure - as you are finding - it really doesn’t work the other way round too.

PixieCutRegret · 27/12/2018 20:57

Living with each other really does make or break a relationship as you find out so much more about a person and thier habits then you would with just dating. He probably doesn't want to get married until he has lived with you, weather this is something you can accept is up to you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2018 20:57

Would you want to get married in your church and is that something he and the church would agree to given his lack of faith?

Of course you’re hurt by how he’s spoken to you, it’s very hurtful. But there must be many obstacles to your life together long term and it’s okay, and right, to end things here if you’re not on the same page.

ashtrayheart · 27/12/2018 20:59

Do you respect and take on board his atheism?
He doesn’t want to get married, he was just placating you, it sounds to me.
I can understand his point of view tbh

veggiepigsinpastryblankets · 27/12/2018 21:03

We all tell ourselves different things to get through life - I believe that sentient life is a happy accident and that when we die we die, but I know I can't prove that so am not so self absorbed as to ridicule those who think otherwise. You deserve someone who can at least respect your beliefs, though you might be happier with someone who shares them.

I don't think you should move in together until you've come to a respectful compromise both of you can live with.

Berniethefastestmilkwoman · 27/12/2018 21:04

Why would you want to be a part of a church that treats people like that? I am shocked your church is so cruel. I would not step inside such a church whether I was flavour of the month or the outcast. If you get married and they start treating you well it is still not okay. The ethos is awful. You can't be part of an organisation that does that to others unless you are an A hole.

pileoflaundry · 27/12/2018 21:09

There are at least two problems; the first is that you have been hurt by your DP. I have a very good friend, who is very atheist, and who when pushed is liable to give strong offending opinions on religion, so I think that I know where your DH is coming from, and also how it must have made you feel.

But the second problem may be worth tackling first:

I’m effectively ex-communicated so I can’t take communion, teach, speak in services or take part in some activities.

Do you agree with this? i.e. do you agree that people who have sex outside of marriage should be ex-communicated? Do you want your children to be brought up to believe this? And to be judged by people on it? Would your DP need to convert in order for the two of you to marry?

If you don't agree, there are plenty of Christian denominations where this is not the case, and where your ability to take an active part in the church would have zero to do with your marital status.

If you do agree, then as a PP said, it sounds like you would be more unhappy if he moved in.

Oddsocksforeveryone · 27/12/2018 21:11

I am Christian and my DH was raised Jehovas Witness. Both my Church and his family did not approve of the relationship (he wasn't a practicing witness at the time, I was going to church every Sunday)
Honestly, it caused a lot of trouble. The wedding in itself was difficult because his family wanted nothing to do with any of my religion. His mother wasn't actually practicing either, she just enjoys being awkward and controlling, but wider family do practice.
In all honesty we now realise that our friends/family were right and if he were actually a witness there would be some differences that would make our relationship hard. Standing in church without him beside me makes me sad. In my case moving away from JWs he actually talks about getting involved in church, not pressured by me.
Sometimes (not always) being incompatible or giving up your faith for a relationship won't work and isn't the right thing to do.
From what you say it doesn't sound like he intended to get married and I wouldn't stay with someone who mocked my beliefs, religious or otherwise.

calmsealife · 27/12/2018 21:15

What kind of church limits your duties this day and age?

Smallhorse · 27/12/2018 21:21

I don’t understand. Why are you considered living with him, (not being married yet )if your belief system isn’t compatible with this?

AnnieOH1 · 27/12/2018 21:34

I'm going out on a limb here, are you LDS? Or possibly JW?

Is he definitely atheist? So not agnostic but fully paid up non-believer iyswim? If he is atheist I'm afraid I don't see a way forward for you in a lot of ways. That said I do know LDS people (usually women) who are partnered with nonmembers who do eventually get married at least. It's a life of compromise though, and I feel you need to tread very carefully all the time to balance your home and spiritual life.

Hugs

picklemebaubles · 27/12/2018 21:47

Quite a lot of mainstream churches would be uncomfortable with someone having leadership responsibilities while living together unmarried. I don't agree, but many would.

That said, I think you have rushed into living together. He isn't ready to marry, you aren't happy to live together unmarried. He doesn't respect your beliefs, you still hold to them. I think you need to explain to him that you have made a mistake, that you can't live with someone who doesn't respect you and the things you hold dear, and that you want to move out until things are clearer.