DP dismisses my religion and I’m hurt

[ThomasRichard]

I’ve been with DP for 2 years; I have 2 DC (not his) and he’s about to move in. I’m a Christian, he’s atheist. Marriage is really important to me and while we’re living together without being married I’m restricted on what I can do at church because sex outside marriage is a big no-no. For me, it’s also negatively affecting the way I feel about myself and also worries me in an eternal-perspective view. He knew the full details of my religious views when we started dating and I have brought up the marriage aspect periodically. At the beginning of the year I went through this with him again and he said we could get married. I waited a few months, no proposal, so brought it up again and he said he felt it was too early. I was a bit confused but waited. Still nothing 7 months later so I approached it with him again last night and he spent half an hour rubbishing my beliefs, pointing out how illogical and meaningless they are, and telling me that I shouldn’t care what other people think. I tried to explain to him that it was about how I felt about myself too but I was crying and I just didn’t get it across very well. He doesn’t want to get married until ‘it feels right’.

I’m so hurt. Not even particularly about him not wanting to get married, more about the way he completely dismissed my feelings and beliefs and tried to talk me out of having them. I don’t understand how he can love me if he’s ok with me feeling humiliated in my social circle when he doesn’t have any particular reason for not getting married, he just wants it on his own timing. I don’t like the way he told me - in not so many words - that my beliefs are stupid and illogical so nothing that I feel about them is valid or should be considered. It’s really left me questioning whether this is a good relationship. In all other ways he is kind, hardworking and fun to be with. But he was so dismissive and rude last night that I’m shocked and deeply hurt.

Has anyone else had a partner who disagrees with their beliefs? How did you square it? Or not?

Perhaps it boils down to what OP really feels and believes, religion or anything else aside. If her DP doesn't respect those beliefs then perhaps their future together isn't going to be one that brings satisfaction.
It's fine to question something, and its fine to believe different things, but if you're in a relationship with someone who rubbishes your opinions/beliefs, then that shows a lack of respect.

Well - three cheers for this caring church!!! - excommunicated! Blimey - is his the 12th century!?

I don't know the specific church, but I don't think the OP used the word appropriately.
Excommunication is a serious thing, at least in the Catholic Church. What is happening with the OP, as far as I understand it, is that she should not take communion because she is in sin and, obviously, intends to keep doing it, so Confession wouldn't be valid.
But she's still welcome in the Church.

You don't take your beliefs seriously enough to live by them. Why would you expect other people to?

This ^.
In my Church, you wouldn't be prevented from holding any role, or attending anything and certainly not from taking communion, because you were living with someone, or in a sexual relationship outside of a marriage. However, if you attend the Church you do, because you believe in the 'rules' that have been laid down by that Church, then why are you compromising those beliefs ? If you don't respect them, and it is your faith, I'm not sure why you expect him to.

So, to the 'it's him not respecting the OP that is the issue' posters, he really does have a point, if the OP doesn't actually believe in the 'rules' of this Church. If they are saying 'sex outside of marriage is wrong' then how come it is okay for 9 months or 18months or however long you are planning to do it before the wedding you would like ?

I don't see how it can work tbh. It's something fundamental to your lives. I couldn't live with someone religious, personally. I couldn't really respect someone who believes in such a ridiculous tale and in a marriage there has to be mutual respect. Every time you give an inch, he'll take a mile, he's doing it already and I doubt he will be happy with the children being raised in religion. I wouldn't be. No matter how much I loved someone, I wouldn't be letting them brainwash my kids into believing that they'll go to Hell or some such tosh if they do/don't do XYZ.

Amazingly, the only place I’ve been judged disparagingly for my relationship choices is on this thread. Church isn’t about being threatened with fire and brimstone if I don’t do as I’m told but about being helped to live according to the gospel. In some cases, if someone is continually breaking their covenants and isn’t going to change any time soon then it’s better to release them from those covenants so that they have more space to be able to work things out in their own time. It’s about helping, not condemning.

Anyway, thankyou for the thoughtful responses. They’ve certainly made me think. To go any further I’d need to go into the ins and outs and nuances and that’s better to do in RL conversation with people familiar with the circumstances. MN is fab at black and white and that’s what I needed to kick off the RL bit so I’m not going to continue the thread but I’m not ungrateful for the input.

Christianity is about being threatened with hell and fire if you don’t behave in a certain way. If you don’t live according to the gospel you’ll go to hell as a sinner. You and your partner seem poles apart, he has his views on marriage and you have yours why should he bend on something so huge.

What kind of church do you go to if you don’t mind me asking? Are you LDS?

Personally I feel like your DP doesn’t respect your beliefs, but then maybe he doesn’t take it seriously because of your relationship?

To be honest I think you're incompatible, I'm struggling to empathise as I'm not religious and I would feel the same as your partner. If you're struggling at this point it's not going to bode well long term.

@ThomasRichard you can't pick and choose when you follow your beliefs and expect to be understood, you want your partner who doesn't believe to respect your beliefs when you're not even respecting them yourself?! Why should he respect one aspect that you are staunchly following when you're willing to go against others. Shit like this is why religion is laughable to me.

BettyBooHoo34 - not everything under the umbrella of Christianity is like that at all. Certainly not my own faith. Unless I gained perfect knowledge of God and then actively stuck two fingers up at him I'm not going to be punished because of Christ's atonement. At it's very worst I'm going to get to live in a perfected place, forever, in peace. That's at it's worst. No fire and brimstone here.

In some cases, if someone is continually breaking their covenants and isn’t going to change any time soon then it’s better to release them from those covenants so that they have more space to be able to work things out in their own time. It’s about helping, not condemning.

It may be how your bishop has dressed it up, but do you think you have been released or excluded? Your previous posts suggest you do feel excluded, not really allowed space to work it out.
How do you think excluding you from participating fully in religious services help you work things out?
The truth is most people will continue to sin in other ways, and in ways that are actually in the 10 commandments or the teaching of Christ, and in fact not have a real intention to stop doing it. Sex seems to have a special status for some reason.

Sorry, but I think fundamentally it is. The threat is there.

Sorry, but I think fundamentally it is. The threat is there.

If OP is indeed LDS then they don’t have a fire-and-brimstone hell, so no.

Plenty of churches within the wider Christian banner don't preach fire and brimstone at all. For those churches such teachings are a social construct designed to keep the population in it's place and not questioning the authorities.

you can't preach that your beliefs are important to you, then continue to live in sin like that - you're not being an example to him

I thought Christianity recognised the fact humans are never perfect, and that we shouldn't judge each other because we all have more to learn.

OP, I don't think he will change. He will probably put off proposing forever, and his reaction to your beliefs is not "live and let live".

Equally I'm not convinced that the church is entirely compatible with your own views, but that's for you to decide.

You need someone who is respectful towards you even when you disagree.

I’m guessing that it’s one of the Pentecostal churches you’re involved with. My dp was part of one of these churches before we got together and I was just talking to him about this thread.

Firstly, with regards to not being allowed communion, allowed to participate in other church functionalities etc because you’re having sex before marriage dp’s response was “how do they know?” I mean the church can only place these restrictions on you if you’ve offered the information to them that you’re having sex before marriage, so why have you told them? Because you must have told them, surely? Otherwise it could be assumed that everyone entering into any kind of relationship will be treated in this way until marriage and even in the most fundamental churches this just isn’t the case.

Secondly, with regards to the need for marriage, it’s clear that you want marriage in order to assuage your guilt over sleeping with him rather than because you want to spend the rest of your life with him otherwise you wouldn’t have slept with him in the first place. Given it goes so against your church.

Incidentally, did you tell him before or after you first slept together that marriage was the deal?

Christianity is about being threatened with hell and fire if you don’t behave in a certain way

Er, not in the vast majority of denominations.

*@BackforGood *
Er, not in the vast majority of denominations.
Which makes a mockery of all of them - who gets to decide which bits get ignored, and why?

@jason118 that depends who you ask! Some believe their group and theirs alone will get to heaven, others believe they have an infallible leader, yet others float around like jellyfish without any defining doctrine as such because they recognise they don't know.

FWIW from my understanding the hell fire Satan as the little red guy with horns etc are a product of the middle ages nothing more.

Secondly, with regards to the need for marriage, it’s clear that you want marriage in order to assuage your guilt over sleeping with him rather than because you want to spend the rest of your life with him otherwise you wouldn’t have slept with him in the first place. Given it goes so against your church.

I completely agree with this. For the record, I'm a Christian as well. I have seen this happen - people rush into marriage because they've already been sexually active and it's meant to "fix it" in the eyes of the church. Personally, I don't think this is a good reason for marriage especially if there are other issues.

It seems you want him to do something, to marry you, so that you're right with god and the church. That's the easiest option for you, to get him to sort it out.

I think there are two separate issues here and only one is religious.

Your partner is dismissive of your religion and this hurts you. It is difficult to be a Christian in a relationship with a non-Christian. It can only work with respect on both sides and if both people can practise their religion freely. If he is not respectful of your faith, this is a red flag and I would be slowing things down and praying for guidance.

The second issue is whether or not you believe in your heart God wants you to remain celibate till marriage. Different churches take different approaches but what matters is God's approach and if you are unsure, again pray for guidance. If you do feel you should be abstaining from sex, then, hard as it is, you should end the sexual side of the relationship. If he leaves then he isn't right for you.

FWIW, I think we are called to save sex for marriage but I also think sex before marriage is one of the lesser sins. Worth repenting, yes, but not worth beating yourself up over and certainly not worthy of excommunication.

I agree you are not being consistent and sending mixed messages. You are cherry picking here, if it is really against your religion do not have sex before marriage and do not live with anyone . You cannot have it both ways.

*@bathsh3ba *
I think we are called to save sex for marriage but I also think sex before marriage is one of the lesser sins
Is there a hierarchy of sins then? How are they ranked? I don't remember these teachings from my bible studies.

@Jason118 I think it's just common sense some sins are more serious than others. Doesn't mean we won't be forgiven for them.