Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Philosophy/religion

Join our Philosophy forum to discuss religion and spirituality.

Original poster

DP dismisses my religion and I’m hurt

160 replies

ThomasRichard · 27/12/2018 20:20

I’ve been with DP for 2 years; I have 2 DC (not his) and he’s about to move in. I’m a Christian, he’s atheist. Marriage is really important to me and while we’re living together without being married I’m restricted on what I can do at church because sex outside marriage is a big no-no. For me, it’s also negatively affecting the way I feel about myself and also worries me in an eternal-perspective view. He knew the full details of my religious views when we started dating and I have brought up the marriage aspect periodically. At the beginning of the year I went through this with him again and he said we could get married. I waited a few months, no proposal, so brought it up again and he said he felt it was too early. I was a bit confused but waited. Still nothing 7 months later so I approached it with him again last night and he spent half an hour rubbishing my beliefs, pointing out how illogical and meaningless they are, and telling me that I shouldn’t care what other people think. I tried to explain to him that it was about how I felt about myself too but I was crying and I just didn’t get it across very well. He doesn’t want to get married until ‘it feels right’.

I’m so hurt. Not even particularly about him not wanting to get married, more about the way he completely dismissed my feelings and beliefs and tried to talk me out of having them. I don’t understand how he can love me if he’s ok with me feeling humiliated in my social circle when he doesn’t have any particular reason for not getting married, he just wants it on his own timing. I don’t like the way he told me - in not so many words - that my beliefs are stupid and illogical so nothing that I feel about them is valid or should be considered. It’s really left me questioning whether this is a good relationship. In all other ways he is kind, hardworking and fun to be with. But he was so dismissive and rude last night that I’m shocked and deeply hurt.

Has anyone else had a partner who disagrees with their beliefs? How did you square it? Or not?

OP posts:
MaidenMotherCrone · 29/12/2018 12:25

@Burnt stop please.

HerbzAndSpices · 29/12/2018 12:27

*If you were a vegan eco-warrior would you want to marry a huntin', shootin', fishin' London-based hedge fund manager?

Learn to live independently and confidently, without a man, until you find one who shares your beliefs.*

This!

I'm fairly sure you are LDS. Don't compromise your beliefs for a man.

I got divorced with the support of my bishop, I have children. I am now re-married to the most wonderful man who shares my beliefs. But maybe I wouldn't have got re-married, that wouldn't have mattered. What matters is that you are true to yourself.

Burnt0range · 29/12/2018 12:29

MaidenMotherCrone,

Hmm

Are we all not free to respond how we wish? I am not sugar-coating God. I refuse.

speakout · 29/12/2018 12:34

Burnt0range

You are doing a briliant job at turning people away from chrsistianity.

Which I guess is not yor intention?

MaidenMotherCrone · 29/12/2018 12:37

@Burnt

No one asked for your god to be rammed down our throats.

Perch · 29/12/2018 12:44

OMG Burnt Orange, ex Christian completely non religious person here, but you sound like a loon!!! you will only alienate people with that attitude! Much like PETA (my currently bugbear...) you are not helping your cause!

OP - I have no religion, so cannot comment on that bit, but I have some very strongly held convictions, and I cannot imagine spending my life with someone that doesn't share them or at least respect them. the daily friction will grind you down. Please re-think this relationship, there are many lovely men out there and you really really don't have to settle for this!

BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 29/12/2018 12:47

BurntOrange. Perhaps preach about the 'sins' of premarital sex and homosexuality on a different thread or preferably none?

Op practically everyone is telling you the same thing. It is really, really hard to respect religious beliefs when they're being picked and chosen according to how it suits someone.

You can't strongarm him into marrying you based on your beliefs because they are yours, not his. The fact you're already engaged in a sexual relationship isn't just 'not helping' it is entirely undermining your position. I imagine that in his head you're wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Clearly it isn't that much of a big deal to you because you're already sleeping with him and want to move in with him so can deal with the guilt when it benefits you. But you also want marriage so it feels like you're going to slap him with an ultimatum based on a belief system you're already not sticking to.

Two years isn't that long to be with someone before marriage, particularly not when one party has children from a previous relationship. He's entitled not to want to rush into it just as much as you're entitled to want it. Your beliefs don't trump his because they are based in the teachings of your church. Nor do his trump yours because he considers yours to be illogical and meaningless. He shouldn't have lashed out at you regardless of what he though because it's just hurtful, but I can understand him feeling frustrated and angry that you ignoring his feelings because you consider them to be meaningless because they aren't based in religion. You may not have said that in so many words but I don’t understand how he can love me if he’s ok with me feeling humiliated in my social circle when he doesn’t have any particular reason for not getting married, he just wants it on his own timing. says it all really. He is allowed to want to get married on his own terms. It doesn't even sound like you want to get married so you can be together forever, it sounds like you want to get married so that the judging will stop. Maybe it's your judgey social circle that should change given that they're the ones casting you out for your choices. It can't be easy for him to see the woman he loves willingly being treated like that by other people based on something he doesn't understand or believe.

Having such fundamental differences in beliefs is always going to be difficult in a relationship. But either you can respect those differences, compromise and make it work together, or you can't. And it doesn't sound like you can. Neither of you should have to fundamentally contradict your beliefs to be with someone.

Jaxhog · 29/12/2018 12:49

he spent half an hour rubbishing my beliefs, pointing out how illogical and meaningless they are

This isn't about your religion, it's about his lack of respect for you and what you choose to believe. I am also an atheist - my DH is not. But I have no problem going to church with him on special occasions, and I certainly wouldn't rubbish his beliefs.

I am surprised that you have chosen to live with him, bearing in mind your belief in sex and marriage. It sounds like you are already compromising your beliefs. I suspect you will regret this (are already regreting this). If he isn't prepared to respect what you beieve, then he isn't the man for you.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 29/12/2018 12:53

I don't understand why you would agree and let him move in with you if this was an issue?

It sounds like you're tying to force him to propose and marry you.

vdbfamily · 29/12/2018 12:53

For those criticizing burnt, this is a Christian asking the question and it can only really be understood by fellow Christians who know what our faith expects but understand how hard it is. FWIW, for me, this is why I think it is better to not get sexually active with a man until he has committed to being with you forever. For me, that was our wedding day. You are willing to live with him and meet his sexual needs already. Why would he then marry you. He has nothing to gain from that and you have much to gain. I think also this is why we are encouraged not to be ' unequally yoked'. Marriage is a tough gig and marriage to someone who mocks your core beliefs is going to be even tougher. And I also agree that most churches would not be keen to have in leadership someone in a sexual relationship and unmarried. That does not mean you would not be welcome to attend, just not in leadership.

UtterlyDesperate · 29/12/2018 12:56

Re-read Annie's post, op - speak to your bishop and pray.

I think people are fastening on the wrong bit. It's not that op is giving mixed messages - that's a red herring. It's that he's spent time "rubbishing" what she believes.

I truly believe that Islam is not the correct path, and could take apart the hadith and Qu'ran to "prove" my belief. I wouldn't dream of doing that to someone who believes, whether or not I love them, as to do so would be rude, disrespectful and dismissive. The issue is that op's partner has been rude, disrespectful and dismissive about her beliefs. It's a question of his behaviour, not hers.

Loopytiles · 29/12/2018 12:58

Setting aside the religion issue, you only dated him a year before bringing up marriage, which was very early, especially when you have DC to consider.

It’d be unwise to move in with him given that you want to be married and not to cohabit.

MaidenMotherCrone · 29/12/2018 13:06

@vbd.
So only Christians understand integrity and morality?

MaidenMotherCrone · 29/12/2018 13:08

He’s rubbished the Ops beliefs (wrong I agree) BECAUSE of the mixed messages. Cherry picking can lead to that.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2018 13:09

If you want to start living within your beliefs, do so. Tell him that sex is a no until you're married. He needs to wait, that's fine, you're happy to wait. No sex but also no sexual stuff - so no compensatory hand or blow jobs etc.

Tell him you aren't ready for him to move in, you need to know he's committed to you which means engaged with a date. He needs to wait, that's fine, you're happy to wait. No sleepovers.

Go back to church, seek their guidance and support and explain the decision you have made. The whole ex-communicated does sound extreme, so perhaps review which church you go to. I know lots of Christians (C of E not Catholic) who are "living in sin" but are supported to find the right way through, not kicked out. Although my friend was banned from teaching children. They're now at a different church...

Burnt0range · 29/12/2018 13:28

For the non-christians replying, before you're saved, you're bound to view what I say as harsh. I don't create a false God to make people feel comfortable. The OP is a Christian and I am replying to the thread she has posted, regarding her faith. I am not trying to convert the non-christians, I am directly quoting the bible which is objective, I am not adding my subjective opinions into this board.

madmum5811 · 29/12/2018 13:29

My own mother in the wedding dress shop sniffed when I walked out in a white wedding dress and asked why I thought I was entitled to wear one.

The cherry picking thing is giving the man confused messages, yep ok to have sex even though my church disapproves.

Loopytiles · 29/12/2018 13:34

Doubt it’s OP’s “cherry picking” is the reason for her boyfriend’s words / behaviour with respect to her religious beliefs. Seems clear that he doesn’t share or respect those beliefs.

MaidenMotherCrone · 29/12/2018 13:35

For what it’s worth I don’t view what you are spouting as harsh. Brainwashed yes! What do I need saving from? Brainwashing no. I can think for myself thank you.

madmum5811 · 29/12/2018 13:39

Loopy if she had stuck to no sex before marriage, I do wonder how things would have worked out. The church would have been happy but would boyfriend have stuck around. hmm...

Burnt0range · 29/12/2018 13:55

Brainwashed? By the Bible? I take that as a compliment. Thanks! Grin

Moonstoned · 29/12/2018 13:59

How is the Bible ‘objective’, Burnt? Are you ignoring the bits where Jesus gets effortfully retrofitted into the various Messianic prophecies? Or are you living according to the Torah as well as the Commandments?

Loopytiles · 29/12/2018 14:00

Yes, presumably OP’s boyfriend would have not started or would have ended the relationship had OP not wanted a sexual relationship. OP having sex with him doesn’t account for the views he’s expressed about her religious beliefs though.

MaidenMotherCrone · 29/12/2018 14:00

@Burnt happy you are so easily pleasedWink

turnipsaretheonlyveg · 29/12/2018 14:03

Getting married for other people who don't then have to inhabit your relationship doesn't seem a good way to have a long and successful marriage.
You have different beliefs, neither of you seem to respect the others belief system. You also don't seem to be following your own belief systems very consistently which isn't going to help. In addition you are moving at quite a pace in this relationship.
Slowing everything down might be a way forward while you find compromises if possible. It may be that this is too big an issue to work round or you may be able to create separate lives around it. Either way trying to push him into marriage doesn't sound like a good way forward.