DP dismisses my religion and I’m hurt

[ThomasRichard]

I’ve been with DP for 2 years; I have 2 DC (not his) and he’s about to move in. I’m a Christian, he’s atheist. Marriage is really important to me and while we’re living together without being married I’m restricted on what I can do at church because sex outside marriage is a big no-no. For me, it’s also negatively affecting the way I feel about myself and also worries me in an eternal-perspective view. He knew the full details of my religious views when we started dating and I have brought up the marriage aspect periodically. At the beginning of the year I went through this with him again and he said we could get married. I waited a few months, no proposal, so brought it up again and he said he felt it was too early. I was a bit confused but waited. Still nothing 7 months later so I approached it with him again last night and he spent half an hour rubbishing my beliefs, pointing out how illogical and meaningless they are, and telling me that I shouldn’t care what other people think. I tried to explain to him that it was about how I felt about myself too but I was crying and I just didn’t get it across very well. He doesn’t want to get married until ‘it feels right’.

I’m so hurt. Not even particularly about him not wanting to get married, more about the way he completely dismissed my feelings and beliefs and tried to talk me out of having them. I don’t understand how he can love me if he’s ok with me feeling humiliated in my social circle when he doesn’t have any particular reason for not getting married, he just wants it on his own timing. I don’t like the way he told me - in not so many words - that my beliefs are stupid and illogical so nothing that I feel about them is valid or should be considered. It’s really left me questioning whether this is a good relationship. In all other ways he is kind, hardworking and fun to be with. But he was so dismissive and rude last night that I’m shocked and deeply hurt.

Has anyone else had a partner who disagrees with their beliefs? How did you square it? Or not?

You’ve compromised your beliefs which is why he has no respect for your faith. You’ve shown him by Co habiting that’s its all infact, rubbish.

If you truly believe in your faith then why have you moved him in without marriage?

It’s probably time you decide what is more important to you, your faith or your partner?

I wouldn’t marry someone not of my religion.

I'd be finding a more tolerant church. I'm RC and my church would never treat me like that.

Please @ThomasRichard remember we all fall short of where we should be. It's about getting on track and moving forward.

He’s about to move in, not yet done so, from the OP.

don't let him move in if you want to marry him.

Sorry for misunderstanding the moving in part.

Are you happy with your church? There are lots of denominations out there, doesn’t hurt to try a few.

If your faith is so important to you, and sex outside marriage is such a big no no that you've effectively been excommunicated, how do you have two children? 🤔

This is distinctly odd. Firstly, if you are a devout Christian, why are you about to cohabitate, and live as a couple with, a man you are not married to?

Secondly, what sort of church is unkind enough to exclude and judge its members who are in relationships but not married? That doesn’t sound very loving or Christian to me.

It sounds like your DP believes that the main reason you want to get married is to placate the people at your church. In his shoes, I wouldn’t be happy about that, either.

Maybe their father died howdyholdthedoody

Fair point.
Agree with pp re being a devout Christian but cohabitating without marriage though.
OP you can't pick and choose which aspects you wish to be super strict about.

I don't think he is being unreasonable by not marrying you within 7months or so of being in a relationship with you. Marriage is a big commitment would you like him to just marry for the sake of it then divorce you a few months or years later down the line if it doesn't work out?

I don't think you should be with him as you are very religious and there won't be a middle ground with someone who is completely atheist. It's not fair on you x

1. Are you divorced or widowed?
2. Why are you moving him in if it affects your church life? Is your church more tolerant if you live separately and date?

Your bf is completely not unreasonable to think that it's too soon for a proposal. I think it's good that he's taking his time because won't a second failed relationship affect your church life even more? If you marry would you raise your joint child in the church?

I’m divorced. No, that doesn’t make any difference to my status at church.

I can’t just go to a different church. Saying this very gently because I don’t want to offend anyone but I don’t think that God’s commandments change just because I find them inconvenient. No one is treating me badly. We don’t do shunning as I understand some faith groups do. My friends are still my friends and the only person who knows about my status is my bishop. Yes, it’s not great that I’m in a sexual relationship outside of marriage. I’m not perfect and yes, of course it has sent mixed signals about what’s important to me. I can only move forward from where I am, not from where I should be.

I don’t want to pressure DP into getting married. I’m already divorced and it’s not something I want to screw up again. What I want is to make sure that marriage is something we’re both working towards, not something that he thinks is an optional extra that might happen sometime.

Anyway, we had a chat tonight and he apologised for the way he spoke to me yesterday.

...he’s about to move in.

I wouldn't let him move in.

The reason he is dismissing your beliefs is because you are compromising them in a significant way for the relationship. So he doesn't see you being consistent and therefore doesn't take you seriously. You're telling him "It's OK to live together unmarried but not for longer than x months" which doesn't really make sense. It's either OK for you, or it isn't.

I agree with the others. You have had some good advice.

I am an atheist I couldn't have a relationship with a christian- the gap is too big for me.

The reason he is dismissing your beliefs is because you are compromising them in a significant way for the relationship. So he doesn't see you being consistent and therefore doesn't take you seriously. You're telling him "It's OK to live together unmarried but not for longer than x months" which doesn't really make sense. It's either OK for you, or it isn't.

I agree with this- it is confusing.

OP you have deep faith but loosely adhered to? Why accept these rules if you are unwilling to abide to them?

I couldn't take that seriously either I'm afraid.

Take some time to find yourself, find your faith, but this relationship is doomed right now.

Anyway, we had a chat tonight and he apologised for the way he spoke to me yesterday.

That’s good, but I would worry that it’s papering over the cracks rather than truly fixing them. If he still fundamentally feels like your beliefs are stupid so your feelings about them are irrational and something you need arguing out of, that’s still going to be a problem even if he’s a bit nicer about it in future. And if you still feel like your sexual relationship with him as it is right now is compromising something very important to you, that’s not great for either you or him. “I’ll put up with this until we get married” isn’t what anyone wants to hear.

Not saying it can’t work when you have different beliefs. My DH is an atheist, I’m religious. But I do think you need a very strong and honest foundation with respect for where the other one’s coming from, otherwise it’s just not right for either of you.

Quite a lot of mainstream churches would be uncomfortable with someone having leadership responsibilities while living together unmarried

Not at all, church is a far more tolerant place these days.

Hes not going to change about marriage. He knows its important for you and still thinks its rubbish and ridiculous etc.

I can apologise for the way i have spoken to someone it costs nothing. Turning that into action is an entirely different matter.

You're already emotionally attached and shown you will compromise your values for your feelings. Regardless of the personal cost to yourself

Think how much more attached your going to feel if you live together. There's absolutely no incentive for him to marry you then. He has you hook line and sinker.

You need to decide whats more important, your religious values or your feelings for this man. Then makd your peace with this because id be surprised if marriage was ever on the cards

You’re having sex outside of marriage which makes you a hypocrite. I suspect that is why he isn’t respectful of your religion.

I think I know what faith you are practicing, and it is more loving and supportive than other people are making out.

Having said that, it seems you are at an impasse OP. You can't have a foot in both camps - you said yourself you can't pick and choose which commandments to follow. You are likely faced with either giving up your partner or giving up your faith practice. I'm sorry you have such a difficult choice in front of you, but the middle of the road approach you're trying to tread right now is likely to make you the most unhappy of all.

This sounds like fundamentalist-evangelical C of E. As a (much more liberal) Christian it is your 'excommunicated' status at church that would be bothering me here, not your dp's attitude to marriage - not at 2 years in, anyway. I don't approve of such rigid 'morality' that fails to look into the heart, or appreciate that judgement is properly God's and God's alone.

If the church issue wasn't present, would you be OK with the way things are?

Why is divorce ok but sex before marriage isn't?