DP dismisses my religion and I’m hurt

[ThomasRichard]

I’ve been with DP for 2 years; I have 2 DC (not his) and he’s about to move in. I’m a Christian, he’s atheist. Marriage is really important to me and while we’re living together without being married I’m restricted on what I can do at church because sex outside marriage is a big no-no. For me, it’s also negatively affecting the way I feel about myself and also worries me in an eternal-perspective view. He knew the full details of my religious views when we started dating and I have brought up the marriage aspect periodically. At the beginning of the year I went through this with him again and he said we could get married. I waited a few months, no proposal, so brought it up again and he said he felt it was too early. I was a bit confused but waited. Still nothing 7 months later so I approached it with him again last night and he spent half an hour rubbishing my beliefs, pointing out how illogical and meaningless they are, and telling me that I shouldn’t care what other people think. I tried to explain to him that it was about how I felt about myself too but I was crying and I just didn’t get it across very well. He doesn’t want to get married until ‘it feels right’.

I’m so hurt. Not even particularly about him not wanting to get married, more about the way he completely dismissed my feelings and beliefs and tried to talk me out of having them. I don’t understand how he can love me if he’s ok with me feeling humiliated in my social circle when he doesn’t have any particular reason for not getting married, he just wants it on his own timing. I don’t like the way he told me - in not so many words - that my beliefs are stupid and illogical so nothing that I feel about them is valid or should be considered. It’s really left me questioning whether this is a good relationship. In all other ways he is kind, hardworking and fun to be with. But he was so dismissive and rude last night that I’m shocked and deeply hurt.

Has anyone else had a partner who disagrees with their beliefs? How did you square it? Or not?

I don't think you should be living with him, he rubbishes your beliefs and you are doing something that you feel is inherently wrong.
He sounds like a patronising idiot. I'd never challenge the religious beliefs of a partner.
If your relationship feels wrong then it is.
Why not just call it a day and wait for a nice christian man to come along, you will be so much happier.
I wouldn't tolerate any man sitting me down and telling me I'm illogical, he'd be straight out of the door. I'm a pagan by the way.

Put the brakes on him moving in. He's already shown he doesn't respect something which is really important to you and he'll only keep digging away at it and trying to undermine it.

You’re having sex outside of marriage which makes you a hypocrite. I suspect that is why he isn’t respectful of your religion.

That's mean and short sighted. Theres the life we want to lead and the life we do. Sometimes they are different.

If you dont want to get married, you tend to not want to get married, i very much doubt that desire is dependent on the degree to which the OP can live up to her best self.

Is this a JW church? It would help us to be able to understand your situation a little more.
You could try going to a C of E church where your relationship wouldn't be a problem. You say you can't change to a different church but anyone can change churches. It's not a problem- we currently attend 2 different churches at the same time as our teenagers prefer a smaller old fashioned church and our youngest loves a large vibrant church with loads of kids activities.

JW (or LDS which is what I read the OP as) to Church of England is a pretty big doctrinal jump, though. Not quite so easy to say "there's churches that don't believe what yours does" - yes there are, but the issue is that she believes it.

I don't think it's a great idea for her or for him to carry on with a relationship in which she feels she's compromising on something massively important to her and he feels he's being dragged along to a destination he doesn't want for reasons he doesn't respect.

@thomasrichard - PM me I've been in a very similar situation, in fact possibly even further down the road from where you are right now. Yes it can work out, I know at least 6 other sisters closely whose husband's don't come to Church ever. I also know sisters who's husbands have made their way into Church in time. Some just visit, some are baptised, some finally get to the temple together in this life. There's no one set path really just thinking about those different lives.

Are you a convert or are you BIC? Have you prayed about your relationship? Can I ask how old you are (just like say thirties or whatever). Can you speak with your bishop freely? I can still recall in detail breaking down to my old bishop at what was the single worst time in my life, I can feel the exquisite pain I felt about throwing away the keys to the CK and never ever seeing Heavenly Father again. I would have put this in a private message but I don't want to overstep the mark. I had this thought in my head "was the last time I saw Heavenly Father the last time I would ever see Him? Did we say goodbye knowing that?". And I realise that makes little sense to many reading this but I know it will you.

Here's what concerns me (from reading what you've said so far) and I may be being influenced by other responses so far, but it seems you're very concerned with how others will view you and losing callings. I had those same concerns, but losing the callings gave me the opportunity to concentrate on the lessons. When the time was right to take the sacrament again it was a sweet moment.

If he moves in here's what I think will happen, you'll go inactive and with each passing week it will be easier to not go. Each missed sacrament then makes it easier to not pray, to not read the scriptures etc.

I would strongly encourage you to use the third hour starting January to invite him to your home and be part of it. Then see how the land lies. Make it clear that a church wedding is cheap as chips too if needed, you're not asking him to take you to the temple just to get married in which case 30 minutes or so at the chapel to get a wedding certificate should be okay by him. Actually on a practical level it is probably better for you and your children in some ways if he is going to move in for you to be married.

Hugs and prayers xxx

You are ignoring what’s everyone is saying to you.
How can you expect him to respect your Christian beliefs when you yourself don’t ?

You're unequally yoked. This matters.

I would not be letting him move in, not a chance.

My husband and I was (are) married when I became a Christian. My husband was on the verge of abusive about it. He would pull me down on every opportunity, call me uneducated, say that my beliefs were absolutely ridiculous and questioned how I would dare to put God first. It was a true shock to him because we had both been Atheists. Plus, he hated all religion because he was a solider and has fought in two tours of Afghanistan. He felt that religion was an evil thing.

He is now a Christian. God softened his heart and answered my prayers.
If you want to be with this man, pray for him. Do not let him move in and if you're having a sexual relationship, stop it now! Because you can't preach that your beliefs are important to you, then continue to live in sin like that - you're not being an example to him.

Practice what you preach, my friend. Be true to God's word. Tell him that sex is sacred for after marriage and that he cannot move in until that commitment has been made. He also needs to show you more respect when it comes to your relationship with God.

Usually, when you're unequally yoked, two things could happen.

1, your partner will be saved also.

2, it will cause you to choose between your partner and your relationship with God.

The latter will bring disastrous consequences. Think about the bigger picture. Eternity Vs the mere few years we get on this planet.

if you're having a sexual relationship, stop it now!

Barn door closed. Horse bolted.

Saying this very gently because I don’t want to offend anyone but I don’t think that God’s commandments change just because I find them inconvenient

Saying this very gently, but if you truly believe that, then why are you in a sexual relationship with this man?

I agree with PPs - the way you are living your life is at total odds with what you claim to believe is right, and you can't expect him to respect your beliefs when you flout them yourself.

Given that the doctrines of your church are apparently, in practice, not that important to you, wouldn't a possible compromise be to find a different church?

Saying it very gently, but I don't remember sex only within marriage being in the 10 commandments. Or in any acts of faith.

Why can't you have sex with him? You clearly have before (the 2 dc) and nothing awful has happened has it? God doesn't judge, only some arrogant church goers do. Fuck what they think, and more importantly- fuck him

Maybe then he'll want to marry you, 2 years of no action? No wonder he's not interested in proposing. Sex is intimate and when with someone you love, very special. There's nothing wrong with it outside of marriage.

This is coming from an ex Christian (I was brought up as one- though no strict rules! Half my church were judgy old dicks though). I'm now atheist as I understand science and all that.

Ah just read more of the thread, so you have slept with him? Your OP made it sound like you hadn't and wouldn't because of the religion.

This whole thread is confusing- you should have added you were divorced in your first post..

Your church isn't being any more accommodating of his atheist thoughts and beliefs than he is of your faith.

You are ending up stuck in the middle of both, and unhappy.

You need to choose. Incidentally, I don't know which denomination you are, but I'm a Christan too, and in these sircumstances my church wouldn't treat people the way yours is treating you.

The latter will bring disastrous consequences. Think about the bigger picture. Eternity Vs the mere few years we get on this planet

The OP won't be deserving of eternal damnation just because she moves her partner in or has a bit of premarital sex.

I agree with those who say you are muddying the waters by sleeping with him and moving in with him while unmarried — both against the Commandments — but then expecting him to marry you so as not to be, as you phrase it, ‘humiliated by your social circle’ and effectively excommunicated within your church. You clearly perceive an important difference between the two issues, but, not surprisingly, he doesn’t. To him, it’s as anachronistic as as respectable Victorian ladies not receiving George Eliot socially because she was living openly with a man who couldn’t divorce his wife.

If being excommunicated from within was so important to you, why didn’t you make marrying before you cohabited the deal-breaker?

Pixiecutregret;

Do you underestimate what is expected of us, as Christians?

"No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God's seed abides in him; and he cannot keep on sinning, because he has been born of God.”
‭‭1 John‬ ‭3:9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

We don't make a habit of sinning and it isn't "just a bit of premarital sex" - it is fornication and it is practised fornication.

This needs to be repented immediately.

OP, you can't preach how important your faith is to you, and practise sin in the same breath. It isn't going to work.

The 10 Commandments make no mention of sex or cohabitation.

‘Sin’
‘Repent’
‘Fornication’

All that’s missing is ‘the beast with two backs’

Have I time travelled back somewhere?

The Ten Commandments include a prohibition on ‘coveting your neighbour’s wife’ which, in its charmingly patriarchal way, implies a sexual morality based entirely on marriage giving exclusive sexual access to women.

Girlonatrain19

I don't think you're fit to advise on this board, are you?

"God doesn't judge"

If you're an ex-Christian, as you have said, you would know that what you're saying is completely untrue.

If you look at the cross and see just love, you're missing one half of the meaning. The cross also represents God's wrath. He judges! You (and I) will be judged and held accountable for the life we have lead, one by one on the last day when Jesus returns. Please, don't portray a false God, one in whom you have just said you no longer believe in. Because whether you like it or not, you will one day be held accountable by the most high!

I would also like to take this opportunity to tell you that it is very unlikely you was an "ex Christian" at all. The bible says,

“All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out. For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me, that I should lose nothing of all that he has given me, but raise it up on the last day. For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day."”
‭‭John‬ ‭6:37-40‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Whomever the Father gives to the son, the son will never lose.

It is likely that you was raised a Christian, but was never actually born again.

Your mixed messages are insane. You are changing the commandments based on what suits you. I'm going to leave the actual religious beliefs alone because you've chosen to believe them.

So; element A and element B are equally important; but you've broken element A and continue to be restricted at church for doing so, but are telling him element B is vital and he needs to commit to it. You don't want to force him into it; but you are, really.

He should be respectful about what you believe and how you choose to live, and you've got much bigger problems if he generally doesn't. But if he's not religious himself and you're picking which bits of your religion you will abide by at any given point, you are reducing its importance yourself.

It is up to you how much attention you pay to your religion and what you choose to do. You need to be clear about what is and isn't bendable to suit your current desires though. If you can have sex with him without being married now, why do you need him to commit to marrying you? Having unmarried sex with him isn't worse the 50th time. You need to commit to following the religion or not. If you change your stance now and start properly following it; you may find he struggles anyway, as an atheist.

I hope you find some peace.

With respect OP, the religious element is a red herring in that the problem is quite simple - he doesn't respect your beliefs or agree with them, and will never buy into your way of life. Do not bring this man into your home and do not marry him. Why on earth do you want to marry someone who is so fundamentally different from you?

You are denying your deep-rooted beliefs simply to have a husband. You are not yet divorced - is having a man around so important to you that you are willing to sacrifice all your principles, your beliefs, your way of life? And how do you think your DC will react to having this man as your husband? When you tell them one thing and he tells them another? And will obviously demonstrate his contempt for what you think, feel and say?

If you were a vegan eco-warrior would you want to marry a huntin', shootin', fishin' London-based hedge fund manager?

Learn to live independently and confidently, without a man, until you find one who shares your beliefs.

Bible verses for people questioning the bible regarding sexual immorality.

“Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭6:9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭7:2‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:27-28‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I hope this helps?

Yes I’m well aware that I’m not living my beliefs and that’s not helping. I want to get back into living the way I feel is right.