Islam is breaking my marriage, is this right?

[AnotherRandom]

My husband and I have been together 10 years and married for 5. He was a Christian but converted to Islam about a year and a half ago. I am a Sikh.

He has told me recently that our marriage is not valid anymore (according to Islam) and that for us to stay together I would need to convert.

We love each other a lot but I feel uncomfortable with this. I feel like I'm being pushed into making a massive decision about my life to save my marriage. It doesn't feel right to change.

He said he doesn't expect me to convert over night but that I should consider the religion. It's all too much for me. I am happy with my belief and my faith in God but Islam is not a way of life that fits in with how I live my life and how I want to live my life.

I don't even know why I'm posting. Is there no way our marriage can continue to work? We have a child and the thought of separation is hurting me so bad.

He won't even share a bed with me anymore or be intimate with me anymore :(

Islam isn't breaking your marriage; your husband's demands and his ignoring of your right of freedom of choice are. Don't be strong-armed into it because of its being labelled as "religion". Imagine this is a demand about something else, and he is behaving the same way. Would you accept it?

I thought a muslim man could marry a woman of any religion but a man marrying a muslim woman needs to convert.

So he's talking crap. And using religion to control you. I think he's just decided to abandon the marriage - won't be intimate with you - and using religion as an excuse.

If I were you I knew what I would do. I was married to a Muslim man many moons ago. Being a single mum is 100% better than being with a nasty man, whatever his religion, or none.

Start to get your ducks in a row. You are not doing your child any favours growing up in such a toxic atmosphere.

All the best.

Thanks for your replies.

He is genuinely distraught about the prospect of us not being together. He has spoken to the imam at the mosque who told him that he doesn't want the marriage to break up.

However he is the one who told my husband that we are not allowed to share a bed etc anymore.

As I don't know the ins and outs of Islam and it's rules on interfaith marriage I'm not sure what to make of this all. It's all so sudden and too much to consider.

Would your husband consider relationship counselling with a therapist who understands issues of faith and religion?
I think most religions can be interpreted in many different ways, so this imam's interpretation of Islam is only one way. If your husband is truly committed both to Islam and to your marriage, he should find out more about the different interpretations of Islam and what that means for marriage, until he finds one that feels right for him, instead of just ending his marriage based on what one bloke (even if he is an imam) says.

Hey OP.
I have a Muslim dh. According to islam, a Muslim man may marry either a Christian or Jewish woman besides a Muslim one. A Hindu woman wouldn't be a choice because Hinduism is not a monotheistic religion and prayers are said to many 'gods'. I'm not familiar with Sikhism so don't know the ins and outs but the Quran clearly states only women of 'the book' ie the old Gospel and the Torah, may be married.

Your husband sounds pretty much in turmoil with his beliefs and his situation at home. As others have said, it's not islam that is breaking your marriage, it is what happens if he personally decides to practise those parts of islam. I won't lie to you, this kind of thing is relatively common in new converts, I had a friend who made the decision to divorce her husband because he was so dismissive of her beliefs and was a hardline Christian himself. You and your husband need to sit down and talk about things ASAP. Be open minded to islam as a whole because despite the ignorance regularly spouted on mumsnet and by the media, there is little truth to it and is usually the doings of Muslims who aren't educated in the actual islam itself. That's what I've learnt from being married to dh and seeing his family/how the women are treated etc in the family. A long talk is needed to fully determine what you both want.

I can see that you being Sikh (or Hindu) would be considered incompatible with Islam in the imam's eyes. There's just too much history and bad blood and war and killing and politics involved - it isn't even about religion, really.

Your husband sounds brainwashed. If he's so distraught at being told your marriage cannot continue, then he needs to consider how his choices and behaviour have brought you to this point.

Presumably you didn have issues when he was a Christian? What brought him to Islam instead of Sikhism (or is it not possible to "convert" to Sikhism? I know it isn't possible to convert to Hinduism)?

If you're married legally in this country then you're married. Don't convert if you don't want to. I agree with getting an opinion from another Imam or a Muslim scholar.

Sikhism is not the same as Hinduism. We believe that there is only one god and we don't believe in idol worship.

We both are British born and married in the UK 5 years ago.

I have no issues with him being any religion tbh. I happily married him as a Christian and I'm happy to stay with him as a Muslim. He is the one who has decided it can't work anymore because of our different faiths.

He has only spoken to the imam at the local mosque. However he seems quite certain there are only two options for us: me converting or us having to separate.

Well, whatever you do, don't be blackmailed into converting to Islam just to save your marriage. I really struggle with the idea of being forced to convert to ANY religion. Can you really make yourself believe in a new faith at the behest of someone else?

And, sadly, I'm sure that even if you DID convert, there might be other things he forces you to do in the name of religion. Like wearing a hijab or a veil, or making your daughters do the same...

He has told me he doesn't expect me to wear a hijab and I never would.

However after talking to me so much about Islam, he has scared me about it. All this talk of the unbelievers and how their eyes will always be closed to it and their ears will be closed to it. He's making me feel bad that I am not even 1% drawn to the religion. He's made me nervous that I should perhaps be drawn to it and that because I'm not then god hasn't chosen me to be on this path and that I will remain closed off from the faith. I'm so confused.

He asked me to read the first chapter which says about Allah (god) being the all merciful etc and it didn't move me. They were just words on a page.

I strongly believe that you cannot just change your whole belief system like this unless it comes from a true desire to want to find an alternative path.

This situations sounds very odd to me but I am an athiest, the idea that you would break up a happy marriage with children when you love your partner because you've changed your religion is baffling to me.

Is this a mainstream muslim view (that a muslim man must have a muslim wife) or is it more at the hardcore end of things? Will some mosques / imams be comfortable with a non muslim spouse or is it standard to say convert or leave? That will assist somewhat as if it is a fairly hardcore veiw then finding & seeing if he will talk to a more moderate mosque/imam would probably help.

What a situation.

Is it possible he wants out and is putting this out there to justify a split?

You say he would never ask / force you to do other things like veil, but I don't believe that. If he is prepared to leave you and his child/ren over what he has been told then he's hardly going to push back when they make other pronouncements which could be seen as less major eg how you dress etc.

And no of course you can't change your belief system if it was that easy you could say to him OK come be a Sikh, or even just change back to Christianity, or maybe become an athiest, that will solve this problem, and he'd say Righto no problem and everyone would be happy.

I strongly believe that you cannot just change your whole belief system like this unless it comes from a true desire to want to find an alternative path.

Exactly.

So did you discuss this before his conversion or was it his decision alone? I feel that it should have been a joint decision because it is having a major effect on your life and I'm sure you wouldn't have gone along with this had you known what was down the line.

He doesn't expect you to wear a veil? Well that's big of him! How dare he even suggest it I'm not religious at all so can't imagine how it permeates and governs life, but it sounds horrendous. He's putting faith first which is something I can't comprehend. Stay strong and don't compromise your own beliefs, I hope it works out for you.

My husband is Muslim and it sounds as though your problem is a rogue Iman rather than Islam per se. As a PP said, a Muslim can marry a woman of a different monotheistic faith and he is actually required by the Koran to allow her space in the marital home to practise her religion.

I personally have zero interst in joining the Islamic faith (or any religion for that matter). However I think it would be a good idea to find a slightly more enlightened Iman or other senior person within the Muslim community who can put a different perspective on it for your husband.

Why did he convert in the first place?

Which sect of islam?

Don't get the mention of the hijab, its a cultural thing, there is no mention in the Koran about wearing a black cloak, its about dressing modestly (vague open to translation). People try and pass off Sunnah and Hadiths saying its Islam when its not strictly true.

Though ironically there is mention in the bible of women covering their heads.

Forgot to add when working in middle east, was as many posters mentioned, we met a few european women but they were under no pressure to convert to Islam after marrying a local.

he sounds to me as if he is being converted to a fundamentalist type of Islam and that would worry me with the world situation as it is..............

You can't be forced into believing in something you don't - how would you feel about living a lie, being untrue to yourself...and if there was a God - any god - who can look into your heart they are going to know so the whole thing is pointless...your husband should understand that.
Interesting about being able to marry into other faiths...I knew someone who married someone from Turkey(?) I think - and she converted to Islam she said in order to be able to marry (although having children was mentioned as well - and maybe it was to do with his family too).
Not only she did not wear a scarf/head covering when I was talking to her in summer she was wearing a low cut vest top, flashing serious cleavage and cropped shorts...hardly what I would call modesty dressed...

He came home and told me he wanted to become a Muslim, we discussed it, I did tell him I was unhappy at the time (with the thought of how his beliefs may impact our lives in the future) and needed time to adjust. Literally the next day he had been to the mosque and converted.

I don't know what sect of Islam he belongs to, if any at all? I have no idea how I could find someone who is more knowledgeable to talk with him. I wouldn't even know where to begin or who to ask.

He told me as a Muslim man he can be married to 'people of the book' so in other words, a Jewish lady, a Christian or a Muslim. I'm none of them so I don't have a leg to stand on.

He said the thought did cross his mind and he thought that because I believe in god, then we can work fine together. But having spoken to people at the mosque it got him thinking that he can't continue as we are.

He had been a Christian all of his life but after reading more and more of the bible, he found flaws in it and the teachings in the church didn't marry up with what was written in the bible. So he decided to read the Quran (having always said he would never look at it) and felt it was the right way of life for him.

He has also said that the religion makes him a better husband to me, he has previously been quite aggressive towards me but that has since calmed down.

Oh dear, aggressive doesn't sound good, in what way? Is this religion conversion or divorce threat just the latest in a long line of bullying and control?

Aren't you the poster who's husband chucked away your Christmas tree?

If so I think you should be filing for divorce rather than considering adopting his religion. Your husband is an abuser and it will only get worse

your husband is abusive.
He has no intention of leaving you

You need to stand up for yourself, or let him go.

There are as many flaws in the Koran as there are in the bible and in addition it is supposed to be the word of god and should be infallible. Where as the bible is many peoples observations and hence you could say more open to contradiction.

Assuming you believe, these show that perhaps it wasn't recorded properly and was changed by scholars in the past, there is the whole 'Abrogation' excuse that is trotted out.

I'll leave this gem for you - Verse 4:34 of the Quran as translated by Ali Quli Qara'i reads:

Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance - [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand.

OP I read your thread in Relationships recently. The issue here is far deeper than him asking you to convert, he is a bully and extremely controlling. I am worried for you.