Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Philosophy/religion

Join our Philosophy forum to discuss religion and spirituality.

Original poster

Islam is breaking my marriage, is this right?

157 replies

AnotherRandom · 22/12/2014 10:14

My husband and I have been together 10 years and married for 5. He was a Christian but converted to Islam about a year and a half ago. I am a Sikh.

He has told me recently that our marriage is not valid anymore (according to Islam) and that for us to stay together I would need to convert.

We love each other a lot but I feel uncomfortable with this. I feel like I'm being pushed into making a massive decision about my life to save my marriage. It doesn't feel right to change.

He said he doesn't expect me to convert over night but that I should consider the religion. It's all too much for me. I am happy with my belief and my faith in God but Islam is not a way of life that fits in with how I live my life and how I want to live my life.

I don't even know why I'm posting. Is there no way our marriage can continue to work? We have a child and the thought of separation is hurting me so bad.

He won't even share a bed with me anymore or be intimate with me anymore :(

OP posts:
ArgyMargy · 02/01/2015 17:14

Sorry if this has been said upthread but it seems as though this is what your husband wants and he is using the imam to strengthen his case. I understand that there are many shades of grey in the interpretation of the Quran, and another imam may well give slightly different advice. It strikes me that he is making you choose between your own faith and his, which is not nice at all.

slightlyworriednc · 02/01/2015 17:16

Coyoacan, the OP is going through helland you're berating her for semantics. Do you feel big?

GraysAnalogy · 02/01/2015 17:19

I'm so so sorry youre going through this.

I would leave him purely on the basis his religion is more important than you, a religion he only bloody converted to after meeting you.

GraysAnalogy · 02/01/2015 17:21

If you did convert he'd just want more from you.

Original poster
AnotherRandom · 02/01/2015 17:33

Coyacan how about you read the thread first before commenting? Hmm

Your comment is in no way shape or form of any use to me. You have made an assumption based on my previous thread and the thread title to this particular thread and assumed something which is not true.

Islam is the problem here. It is the reason our marriage is now failing. The reason we can no longer stay together.

OP posts:
EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 02/01/2015 17:47

Well yes anotherrandom apart from the fact that Islam is just the latest manifestation of his abusive and controlling behaviour towards you, so actually coyo isn't wrong entirely.

deadwitchproject · 02/01/2015 17:56

I need to give him reasons why I don't want to follow the religion.

You absolutely do NOT need to give him any reasons. Why doesn't he give you a list of reasons why his new religion is more important than his wife and daughter, more important than keeping his family together? Hmm

What is it about Islam that I don't like.

How about the fact that it is intolerant of you and your faith for starters?

GraysAnalogy · 02/01/2015 17:58

Islam is part of the problem though because if you interpret it to the book then the OPs faith isn't compatible apparently with Islam.

crescentmoon · 02/01/2015 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/01/2015 18:28

Islam is the problem here

I agree though - your husband is the issue, not Islam.

usamahasan · 03/01/2015 05:22

I have served as an Imam in London for over 30 years, and am also the author of the blog post that was kindly linked by the first commenter above.

AnotherRandom, sorry to hear about your predicament. You could tell your husband that Hindus and Sikhs are correctly classified as ahl al-kitab or "people of scripture" in Islam, and therefore your marriage is fully legitimate under Islamic law. In India, such marriages are quite common, and thousands of imams there are happy to validate them. Unfortunately in Europe, this tradition of coexistence in India for over a millenium is not known about.

You may wish to remind your husband that the founder of Sikhism, Guru Nanak, is said to have been a Muslim or from a Muslim background, that he is said to have visited Mecca, and that one or two verses from the Qur'an (esp. ayat al-kursi) are said to be part of the Guru Granth Sahib.

I am also willing to meet both of you and perhaps help you talk through these matters. If you'd like to accept this offer, please contact me via my blog. Many thanks!

HelloItsStillMeFell · 03/01/2015 05:40

Wow, usamahasan what a fantastic and helpful post. I really hope Another and her DH take you up on your offer, but I have a sneaky suspicion that he does not want to hear your solution, he wants to get his own way and control his wife. I'd love to be proven wrong though.

usamahasan · 03/01/2015 06:09

Thank you, HelloItsStillMeFell. I'd love for you to be proven wrong also :)

Original poster
AnotherRandom · 03/01/2015 09:17

usamahasan thank you so much for posting.

I spoke to my husband about what you said and he was quick to dismiss it. He said Hindus and Sikhs are not people of the book and it's not written in the Quran either that we are people of the book.

I'm struggling to find how I can contact you on your blog. Can I PM you on here and get your contact details?

It seems to me as though he doesn't want to find an option of us staying together unless I convert. He says he would love to find a way for us to stay together but every time I've shown him something he dismisses it.

OP posts:
EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 03/01/2015 09:23

Another I think you're getting to the heart of it
He wants you where he wants you. At the moment that is converting to islam. He doesn't want a reasonable explanation as to why you don't need to, because that's not what he wants. He's inflexible and controlling.

deadwitchproject · 03/01/2015 09:27

usamahasan it's great that you've pointed out that the OP's marriage is legitimate under Islamic law, however the OP's husband does not care about that and is still insisting she becomes a muslim. This is what the OP said:

Also, crescentmoon, I read that link and showed it to him but he said it is not relevant in our case. He dismissed it. I can't remember exactly what he said but he wasn't jumping for joy after reading it.

I don't think it's great, however, that you've said the founder of Sikhism is supposed to be muslim and that the sikh holy book has verses from the Koran. The OP has said she's happy with her faith so there's no need for anyone to try and appropriate it to make her feel better.

FunkyBoldRibena · 03/01/2015 09:57

he was quick to dismiss it

Yes - because it is him at the root of the issue.

He is doing this because he wants to - you do know that. He doesn't respect your religion, or your wishes or is even trying to find a way through. It's like he is trying to destroy you or the relationship. Once you have converted - there will be something else, no doubt.

HexBramble · 03/01/2015 09:58

deadwitch I think that's unfair. Usamahasan is highlighting where both faiths have common ground. Surely that's a good thing? Religion is so divisive, so conflicting at times, so isn't a gentle reminder that we have similarities a good thing, surely?

OP I wish you and your daughter well. I agree though, with posters who feel that your DH simply wants this one path to be followed and no amount of learning or reasoning will be listened too. As hard as it is, this isn't the life I would wish upon you or your daughter.

fakenamefornow · 03/01/2015 10:32

Why don't you offer to convert to Christianity, then you would be 'of the book' I'd put money on him not being happy with that either. Not a real suggestion BTW. Good luck

Spadequeen · 03/01/2015 10:37

Think you're right op, nothing will work for him unless you convert.

You know what needs to happen, I would now be getting legal advice, maybe some counselling too to help you deal with the breakup. And remember, you haven't ended this marriage, he has by being demanding and controlling, you have tried to find ways to stay together, he hasn't. He has ended the marriage, not you.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 03/01/2015 11:01

faken that would be a stroke of brllliance. Grin

deadwitchproject · 03/01/2015 11:33

HexBramble I agree that the faiths do have some common ground, notably they are both monotheistic. I believe an awful lot of belief systems have common ground and are essentially different paths to the same goal.

However, that's not really what usamahasan said. Saying that the founder of her faith was (incorrectly) a muslim is not common ground. The OP is happy with her faith, can't she just be allowed to get on with it without someone saying it's ok because he was a muslim anyway?

I agree religion is so divisive, I wouldn't normally comment but it just jarred with me.

usamahasan · 03/01/2015 14:55

AnotherRandom please leave a comment under the "About" section of my blog - unity1.wordpress.com, this will ask you for your email address, that only I will see (not other readers of the blog). Then I'll contact you directly. (Do DM me also, but I'm new to Mumsnet, so not sure how DMs work here.)

Btw your husband is plain wrong since he's new to Islam - I've been studying the Qur'an for almost 40 years (over 30 years since I completed memorising it in its entirety in the original Arabic, as many imams do). The Qur'anic term "people of scripture" is different to separate terms for Jews and Christians. "People of scripture" is general and includes anyone with a scripture - this was explicitly applied to Magians (Zoroastrians/Parsees) by the Prophet Muhammad himself, Caliphs Omar and Ali, and by Imam Shafi'i, the founder of one of the four main legal schools of Sunni Islam. You may wish to quote these authorities to him.

deadwitchproject Thank you for your feedback. The purpose of mentioning those facts was simply to point out that there are centuries-old links and harmonious coexistence between Islam and Sikhism, so that OP's husband should not be treating their faiths as worlds apart. I thought that would be helpful.

Chocolateteacake · 03/01/2015 15:03

I think if god almighty came down in a bolt of lightning and told the OPs other half that the marriage was legit, he would still argue the point.

He sounds like a man who has either by himself, or egged on mullah-knows-feck-all decided that his marriage is forbidden by gods law.

Either way, even if he does a complete turnaround tomorrow, I wouldn't trust him ever.

PitchWrapped · 03/01/2015 15:07

As fake said...tell him youre considering christianity...it wont be good enough