Islam is breaking my marriage, is this right?

[AnotherRandom]

My husband and I have been together 10 years and married for 5. He was a Christian but converted to Islam about a year and a half ago. I am a Sikh.

He has told me recently that our marriage is not valid anymore (according to Islam) and that for us to stay together I would need to convert.

We love each other a lot but I feel uncomfortable with this. I feel like I'm being pushed into making a massive decision about my life to save my marriage. It doesn't feel right to change.

He said he doesn't expect me to convert over night but that I should consider the religion. It's all too much for me. I am happy with my belief and my faith in God but Islam is not a way of life that fits in with how I live my life and how I want to live my life.

I don't even know why I'm posting. Is there no way our marriage can continue to work? We have a child and the thought of separation is hurting me so bad.

He won't even share a bed with me anymore or be intimate with me anymore :(

AnotherRandom PS you may wish to remind your husband that Sikhism came along about 900 years after Islam, so it's not surprising that it is not mentioned in the Qur'an!

Since the Yezidis of Iraq, whose religion combines elements of Zoroastrianism, Christianity and Islam, are accepted as "people of scripture" (see the 'Open Letter to ISIS' at www.theoxfordfoundation.com/), Sikhs must be also, since Sikhism combines elements of Hinduism, Islam and other Indian religions. Add to that, the fact that this is well-known in India where the vast majority of moderate Hindus, Christians, Buddhists, Muslims and Sikhs live together in relatively harmonious coexistence.

I think the bottom line here is that it doesn't matter what religion the OP's husband converted to, be it Islam, Judaism, Christianity, or the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, he would still be demanding that she convert to that religion. It's not about faith, salvation, or unity within the family, it's about control.

In a few years, will he become disenchanted with Islam (as he apparently did with Christianity) and convert to another faith?

Once the shine co.es off his new toy, he will be onto the 'next', whatever that may be - extreme sports, tattoos, mad diets, flower arranging... It will be one manic fad after another. He sounds a bit controlling to say the least.

There is centuries old harmony (and centuries old conflict too unfortunately). I know you are trying to help the OP, as we all are, but I think we should be clear that what you said about sikhism is not fact. I have very close family friends who are Sikh and even I know that their founder was not from a muslim family. I'm pretty sure the OP knows that too, it's her religion after all.

Anyway the husband seems intractable. I don't believe any amount of links, quotes from the Koran etc. are going to convince him that his wife and daughter are more important than his new religion.

I really hope things work out for the best for you and your daughter. The more I think about your situation the more I feel you need to protect yourself and leave. As others have said what will be his next fad?
Take control and if he makes you out to be the bad one in all this, who cares? You know the truth and so does he.

OP, you say he says he will not make you wear a veil, but will encourage it. Presumably that also applies to your daughter. I do not know much about Islam, but it sounds as if his particular Mosque seem to be very traditional. How would you feel about your daughter having an arranged marriage, being unable to have any male friends of her own age, having to be modest etc?

You're all right. Ehric got it spot on. He never seems happy when i show him ways we can stay together because that would mean I wouldn't have to convert. Even if I said I want to be a Christian he wouldn't be happy.

I'm at my sister's tonight, I needed to get away because he keeps talking about everything and I can't handle anymore. It's just too much information to process and I'm getting fed up of it all.

I spoke to my husband about what you said and he was quick to dismiss it. He said Hindus and Sikhs are not people of the book and it's not written in the Quran either that we are people of the book

I am not a Muslim, OP, but as I have said my brother is. A convert of one year should be listening to those who are wiser and better than him, not being quick to dismiss things.

I don't think all Muslims would agree with usamahasan but he is still an Ulammah and his opinion should not be rejected out of hand by a virtual illiterate.

I think the husband is picking and choosing what he believes. Anyone has the right to do that I supose but at the expense of their family? No. usama has been enlightening yet rejected so quickly.

I have no love for islam, but it sounds like that's not the problem. he is. he's trying to control your thoughts - literally. that can't lead to good things.

I would also be very worried that some imam can convince him to act this way to you.

If it wasn't Islam, it would by trainspotting or anti vivisection. He sounds as if he has 'phases' when he throws himself headlong into something (stuff anyone else) to 'find himself'. A serial 'finder'. Sounds exhausting, and a bit teenage behaviour.

I find people like this selfish, arrogant and big headed (they always seem to know more/better than anyone else).

Random this really is all about control and bullying. He is showing absolutely zero concern or interest for you and it is all about what he wants.

Get yourself an appointment with a solicitor and have a chat with the CAB. Find out where you stand if you want to separate/divorce. Having information about your future will give you clarity and confidence in making the decision (whatever that decision is) about what is right for you and your DC.

From your posts I feel very concerned for you. I know what it is like to be put under constant pressure from someone you love. My 'someone' is now my Ex and I am much happier. But I understand that when you are in the thick of it you really cannot see the wood from the trees. So, if you can, I would urge you to get some space and some time away from his pressure so that you can begin to think more clearly.

WhereisMYJonathanSmith thank you. What is CAB? Would I need to book an appointment? Do I need to take any documents with me?

Also with regards to the solicitor, are they expensive? I don't have any spare funds to pay to see one :(

I think you're right that by arming myself with information, it will help me gain confidence in doing what is right for my daughter and myself.

It's all so scary. It's all so sad because I do love my husband.

Think about why you love him. His behaviour isn't loveable, and he isn't treating you with respect.

He needs to wake up and 'find' what is right in front of his eyes - a loving wife and child.

And for what its worth, you get bigots within religions - I know a married couple, both shia but according to her side, he is 'the wrong type'. Its more 'he isn't a nice boy from X country' but they tolerate him (after a hell of a lot of psychological melodrama from them at the beginning).

You should be able to book a free 30 minute consult with a solicitor. Go armed with financial information (incoming/outgoings/savings) and a list of questions regarding your home, child maintenance, etc.

Yes, solicitors can be expensive. But you may not need one if yours is a case of limited income and resources. Mediation can work out details. But a good solicitor is worth their weight in gold in cases of substantial income/resources or a person who will not cooperate in ending the marriage.

CAB=Citizens Advice Bureau.

OP how are you? Are you okay?

I know you've had a lot of good advice on here already OP and I would agree that it is your husband's personality that is the problem.

FWIW, There used to be a poster on Mumsnet who was a Muslim convert who converted after marriage, who was and AFAIK, still is, happily married to her atheist husband. People try to follow the teachings as as best as they can. Someone's best may not be the same as another person's best, but she was quite frankly, amazing and I would defy any person to judge her.

Brother Usama's opinion upthread may not be one every Muslim ever agrees with, but he's far from alone in holding it and there are indeed plenty of mixed Sikh/Muslim marriages in India. Were this the only issue in an otherwise happy marriage, there is plenty of advice we could give your husband and you about how to avoid "convertitis" and being swayed by random people in the mosque who don't know your life and circumstances, but his problems are elsewhere.

I hope you are ok, OP.

Morning all.

I'm okay. He's given me a deadline of a month to make my decision. 13th feb, day before valentines day :(

He's tried his best to inform me about he religion and really sway my thoughts but it still doesn't feel right. I feel sad for all I'm going to lose.

I've told his mum about it all who was upset to hear of what he is doing and told me the change should come from my heart and not him. She has recently told his dad and they want to sit down and talk with me. I have a feeling his dad might side with him but I'm not sure. I'm not looking forward to speaking to him really.

My husband has no idea I've told his family and they haven't said anything to him either, not until they've had a chat with me first.

I also know of a few people who are married to a Muslim partner and they themselves are atheist. People do make it work but he is really trying to live by Islam as best he can and that means at the expense of me and our daughter.

I was (still am technically) married to a Muslim. I'm an atheist. It didn't work out but that's nothing to do with religion. He never, ever pressured me to convert because he believes Islam is in the heart, not in external symbols like praying and wearing hijab convenient for him as he goes to mosque three times a year
Seriously though, your husband is wrong and your marriage is sadly over.

OP I am also if the view that your husband has some kind of predisposition to addiction/compulsive behaviour that has nothing to do with Islam fundamentally. I completely agree with pp who have said that if it's not this it may well be /have been something else. You can't make him go for the counselling he probably needs but I am wondering if you feel there were any triggers in his life that led him down this sort of path. I am worried about his overall stability and the risk to you and your daughter as a consequence. I have been moved and very impressed by some of the comments on here from posters with knowledge of Islam who have tried to help. But I think it's important to not go down the rabbit hole, so to speak,by thinking this can be resolved by enlightening him in doctrinal issues.

I think he's having a breakdown, and I think you need to divorce him.

You need to contact a solicitor ASAP and collect all the financial information you can.

Please be careful about honour. Please make contact with the police and let them know about you and the tree and the strange brainwashing your DH is having. This imman may put a thought in his head to preserve his honour and kill you and your dd if you don't convert....... This imman sounds very radical and extreme.

I am glad you are getting support from your family, and I wish you and your dd the very best.

I doubt your DH will make a recovery speedily, but you and your dd will have a better life without his turmoil, and it is all his- he seems to be having a mental identity collapse. Get out while you can, and while your dd still knows her freedoms. I'm worried about you.

Stay safe. Contact the police, contact a solicitor and contact women's aid.

Please keep us posted.

OP, how are you? What happened with his deadline?

Hope you are okay.

whereismy thank you for asking.

I've not been on in ages because of all the crap that has happened since.

Since my last post, I told his family who were distraught. They spoke to him and managed to get rid of the deadline. I agreed to read the Quran because it felt like I had to. Everyone made me feel this way especially his family. As though I have to read it to try and save our marriage. So I began doing so in order to prevent anyone telling me I didn't try.

Then he told me he is not allowed to sit in the same room as me alone because we are no longer married (in the eyes of his religion) and as I'm not related to him it would not be okay for him to sit with a woman alone like that. I therefore spent my evenings alone downstairs while he was upstairs. Again I told his family and he since started sitting with me again.

A few days ago he then told me he is not allowed to be in the same house as me, again for the same reasons listed above. We are not married or related so he can't live with a woman who isn't his wife or isn't related to him. He was extremely upset upon telling me this and cried like I've never seen before.

Again I told his family who have managed to speak to him, he is willing to stay until march 6th to give me a little more time to read the Quran but I need to make my mind up then or he is moving out.

I feel it highly unfair to give me a deadline to read such a vast text which could potentially change my whole life. There are over 1000 pages and I'm only on 100. I've also started my period and I'm not allowed to read it during this time as I'm not clean. So I'm fucked to be honest.

I've applied for a new teaching post which I'm crossing everything for. I need that job. Apart from that everything is a pile of shit and I hate how my life is at the moment.

Oh dear. That sounds like an absolute nightmare.

I have been thinking about you, wondering if things were improving.

My ex put me under a lot of pressure to do what he wanted so I sympathise with you.

I still find it hard to believe that this is about religion, I think it is more about control. Either that or he is having some kind of break down. I hope you are getting some RL support from people other than his family. In fact are you getting any support from members of your own religion?

And as for being 'unclean' sorry, but I don't buy that, its total rubbish, he has regressed 500 years.