Islam is breaking my marriage, is this right?

[AnotherRandom]

My husband and I have been together 10 years and married for 5. He was a Christian but converted to Islam about a year and a half ago. I am a Sikh.

He has told me recently that our marriage is not valid anymore (according to Islam) and that for us to stay together I would need to convert.

We love each other a lot but I feel uncomfortable with this. I feel like I'm being pushed into making a massive decision about my life to save my marriage. It doesn't feel right to change.

He said he doesn't expect me to convert over night but that I should consider the religion. It's all too much for me. I am happy with my belief and my faith in God but Islam is not a way of life that fits in with how I live my life and how I want to live my life.

I don't even know why I'm posting. Is there no way our marriage can continue to work? We have a child and the thought of separation is hurting me so bad.

He won't even share a bed with me anymore or be intimate with me anymore :(

OP, I would be making preparations to divorce. Not because your husband is a Muslim, but due to the fact he is a controlling bully.

Unfortunately he and his imam are also correct that Islam allows marriage between Muslim men and Christan, Jewish and Muslim women only. This is because Islam only recognises the three Abrahamic religions.

Well that's all very well if you are already a Muslim before you marry, but what kind of a man converts to a religion that does not allow him to stay with the wife and child he already has, and is supposed to love?

this ruling caused alot of anguish and broken families amongst western convert women where asides from the religion issue the couple were happily married.

so it's not only men who are sometimes this stupid and self-centred then?

I would just leave. He has converted to Islam with no consideration on the effect on you and your daughter. No talks with his other half. Just did it regardless of what you wanted. Nothing stopping him doing this again. He's acting like he has no control over these changes but he does! How can you be expected to sacrifice so much? I agree talk to another mosque etc but I would be worried about what he will do next. What will he decide he won't like next?
As much as you love and care for him, he's not the man you married.
I'm so glad you have the support of your parents. Being sikh myself, I understand how some sikh parents can be.
Hope it all works out in the best possible way for you and your daughter xx

I'm not sure what good speaking to an Imam will do anyway, as he is obviously always going to side with your husband and try to persuade you that as a good wife you should convert, without a second thought to what is right and fair for you.

I agree halo.

This has nothing to do with religion. It has to do with your husband being controlling.

You can explore all the theology you want in an attempt to find a "solution" that will salvage your marriage, but there is no cure for controlling twattery.

You love him, I get it, and it is a firm of heartbreak to accept that the person we love, loves to control and dominate us, rather than treat us with kindness and respect. We think: it would be so easy for him to treat me kindly,surely he can do it ? Maybe if I just find the right (theological) rationalisation, the right words, make the right effort...?

But this is a vain hope, OP. I'm sorry. You can keep searching for that magic solution, but ultimately it will always come down to this choice: do you want to remain with a person who WILL not treat you with respect and kindness, or leave?

Thanks for the replies everyone.

He told me to read Surat-al-bayinaah. I managed to find a transliteration of it online and i don't know what to make of it. Am I the worst of creatures because I follow a different religion?

We briefly talked about it this morning and he is really trying his best to convince me to change. He also tries to minimise what he is asking of me by saying he is not making me convert. However he is, I have no option but to convert if we are to stay together.

All of this is taking it's toll on his nice behaviour towards me. I've come to realise that this niceness act is what is making this all even more confusing and difficult for me. It keeps reminding me of what I've always loved about him and keeps me attached.

I'm meeting with my mum and sister tomorrow for a coffee, most likely my situation will be the topic of discussion. I've always kept my personal situation private and do find it extremely painful to have it all out in the open. But I am starting to feel the relief that people know and are supporting me.

iloveweetos you are right, this is not the man I've married. I understand people change sightly when growing older, but that is slightly. This is extreme. This is not what I had ever imagined.

I'm coming to the realisation that this is not going to work but I don't know what steps to take. We jointly own our house and he pays all the bills currently as I stayed at home to raise our daughter. I have been doing supply work but that is literally the odd day, it was only something to keep my foot in the door with regards to teaching. I've been looking for full time posts but there aren't any in my subject :(

Also, crescentmoon, I read that link and showed it to him but he said it is not relevant in our case. He dismissed it. I can't remember exactly what he said but he wasn't jumping for joy after reading it.

Problem is, you can read all of the Qu'ran you want, but you know you don't want to convert to Islam. And having read your other thread, I can see there are lots of reasons why you need to stop pandering to his controlling behaviour.

I know it's hard, but you owe it to yourself and your child.

I suspect the reason he keeps on at you to read this and read that is because he wants you to be the bad guy and the failure. You failed to understand Islam, failed to want to convert, and then if/when your marriage ends he can convince himself that he is blameless and pure and a good Muslim. I'm sure he'll get lots of praise at the mosque, and as a new convert he must be desperate to prove himself.

I haven't read the whole thread so I don't know if this has been already said. Muslim men can marry Jewish and Christian women so I don't think he is being misled by a 'rogue' imam. I think the real issue is a married man who decides to make such a fundamental change in his life without his wife. You don't need to have the same religion to have a successful marriage but you do need to share the same values. I just don't see how a marriage can survive in these circumstances. I am positive he will be getting a lot of pressure from his new Muslim friends to get you to convert. You can't trust him to look after your best interests. I am married to a lovely Muslim man btw so I'm not biased against the religion. If you were my friend I'd be helping you pack your bags.

I don't think this has anything to do with Islam as such. It seems to me much more to do with a controlling bully using religion as a new way to control & bully you.

A very dear family member of mine (now deceased) was a life long Christian and married a Muslim man. As time went on he became increasingly nasty & controlling and increasingly used his religion as a justification for this behaviour. I am of the firm opinion that he would have been a cunt whatever his religious belief.

How are things op?

Things are okay. I feel like I'm in limbo land at the moment.

He spoke to another imam at another mosque and he reiterated the same point. Basically our marriage is invalid and that for us to stay together I would need to become a Muslim.

When he talks to me about it I tell him I don't want to change but he wants to hear my justification. I need to give him reasons why I don't want to follow the religion. What is it about Islam that I don't like. This is where my mind goes blank and I struggle to give him reasons. All I know is in my heart I am happy with my faith, happy being a Sikh and have no reason to change.

He is trying to put me in the firing line and make it seem as though it's my fault for not trying.

I have been feeling stronger about having to part with him but then everytime we talk I get scared thinking im making the wrong decision.

All I know is in my heart I am happy with my faith, happy being a Sikh and have no reason to change.

And that is more than enough! You are what you are and if he doesn't like it - then jog on!

He married you a Sikh and it is his issue if he thinks the marriage is invalid. To be honest I think the quicker this ends and you get your life and self-esteem back the better.

You could tell him that you don't like his faith because of the way that its changed him, that you don't like his faith because it is making him choose between it and you, you faith hasn't and will never do that. He is the one to make the choice not you. Is his religion that he has recently converted to more important that you, his wife in the eyes of the law and his child?

You are not doing the wrong thing at all, you are being incredibly strong, this is not the man you married and it is incredibly selfish and manipulative of him to do this to you.

You can't believe what you don't believe. You don't need another justification.

I agree with funky that he married you as a sikh and it's his problem.
What do you want to do?
I'd be telling him to get lost if the marriage isn't valid.

Deep down I want to stay with him but this is not possible. My only option is to separate :(

I just cannot contemplate changing my whole belief system. He keeps saying as long as I believe in God and the prophet Mohammed then that's all that matters. I won't have to do anything else, that will come with time. He is really simplifying the whole thing. Then I think am I throwing away the marriage over this?

I did ask him if in a years time, would he be happy with me not conforming to the religion (dressing as I wish, eating as I wish, not praying 5 times a day, no hijab, not fasting at Ramadan etc) he said he would encourage me to follow the religion but can't force me.

I don't even know where to go to get outside help on our separation. What do I do? We both own the house and he pays all the bills. What would happen? I want our daughter to stay in this house and grow up here. This is our home. It's all overwhelming because I don't know how to get the ball rolling. Who could I get advice from on my rights and any next steps?

Thank you all again for taking the time to give me advice, there are not enough words to show my appreciation.

He is trying to put me in the firing line and make it seem as though it's my fault for not trying.
He is as happy with his religion as you are with yours, its not you not trying. He moved the goal posts, he could also try not following his religion as much as you not try follow yours.

I was thinking about you the other day op, i wondered how he would view your daughter as if your marriage is invalid where does that leave her status?

Im in a similar position that i just don't know where to start, being legally married though i would think puts you in good stead. Given his previous behaviour though i would be inclined to speak to a solicitor this coming week (without mentioning it) just to be forewarned with the information you may need. You don't have to do anything until you are ready, but it will answer a lot of questions you have.

I read the start of your other thread about the tree, OP, and I thought the same thing then: he's an arsehole.
People seem to be treading really carefully, and whether that's because they know some kind of backstory that I don't, or because religion is involved- so perhaps I'll be flamed here.
But honestly, he's just a controlling wanker. Islam is a red herring here (in my mind, possibly chosen because it's controversial) he is simply using it as a novel way to control you. You do not want to convert your religion, and he knows this. Deep down in your heart, you're a Sikh. He knows this. If you do this, you are showing him that you do not have a line in the sand. When he's bored of religion, what will he do to you? Hit you? Cheat on you? Because you will have proved that you will give up your entire sense of self and place him above all else. Oh, and have no doubt, you will be living like a 'good muslim wife' within 12 months, whatever he says now.

I must admit to being more worried too after reading the xmas tree thread.

It seems a bit cruel to say that I am glad to hear you want to seperate but it does sound like a relief. Maybe start a new thread in relationships for info on how to do this.

I think the standard advice is to go and see a solictor and you should get a free 30 min session

The bottom line is, a person's religious beliefs are completely personal and part of who they are. You can't just change what you believe barring a real spiritual change. You might possibly start following another religion's rites and laws, but that doesn't change what you believe. I'm a Protestant. Theoretically I could 'become' a Catholic by converting and start partaking of Catholic rites as many did years ago when they married Catholics and it was required/strongly encouraged. But, in my heart, I wouldn't really 'be' a Catholic because I don't hold with many of that church's doctrines. That, to me, is the grossest kind of hypocrisy. You shouldn't profess a religion unless you truly believe in it's tenets. And no amount of pressure would ever make me turn my back on my religious faith and embrace another one just to shut my husband up.

You are entitled to worship your God in the way you choose. So is your husband. If that's not compatible with your marriage, then you (or he) needs to leave the marriage. Remember that, in this case, YOU didn't change and YOU are not leaving the marriage of your own volition. HE is choosing to end the marriage but is forcing you to take action by giving you an unfair ultimatum. Rather like the inquisition, no? Convert or divorce, instead of convert or burn.

Set the religious issue aside. It's a red herring to the real issue, his controlling ways. If it wasn't his conversion to Islam, it would be another issue to control you. See a solicitor about the practicalities. I think you also need to think very carefully about how you want your daughter raised.

Ugh! 'its' tenets, not it's. I hate that!

Sorry, OP, I haven't read the entire thread, but I am a bit annoyed, having read your other thread, that now you are blaming Islam for the problems in your marriage. It was quite clear in your other thread that your problems have nothing to do with any religion, but you obviously don't want to accept that.