How to deal with conflict over visitor's pets?

[imb123]

My partner and I both have grown up children of our own, none together. We have just moved into a new home together a long distance from our children. My partner's daughter and her partner have a dog and they want to bring the dog when they visit. I've made it clear that I don't want dogs in my home. My partner says that in that case they won't visit (at least not often) and she is very upset about that and holds me responsible. She says that her other children won't visit if her daughter doesn't. I feel awful. She wants family get-togethers on her birthday and at Christmas and these are now at risk apparently. Before we moved here my partner allowed the dog in her home when I was living there for a short time before we bought somewhere together and I felt very stressed with the dog wandering around. I understand that people are close to their pets and regard them as part of the family, but I don’t want to share a home with one. How on earth can this be resolved?

Bizarre!
I am from a family of dog owners. When we visit each other, our dogs stay at home.

Thanks for diagnosis.
It nicely illustrates how some of the dog lovers aren't able to respect that someone doesn't want to have dogs at home as a fact - without probing, questioning, trying to lower their boundaries or at least giving it a label.

And thanks for your concern, but I don't see my life as being restricted. Thankfully, that dog owners I interact with in a real life are reasonable people who understand that not everyone likes dogs and don't try to change me for their convenience.

The OP specifically discussed no dogs before moving in with their DP. There must be some solution which doesn't require them to allow dogs into their home.
If not, it would mean that dog ownership makes people terribly anti-social.

Why do you expect the OP to change?

Would you allow a smoker to smoke in your non-smoking home just for a few days every here and there?

Adult children has to accept the situation and sort the dog out so they can come and visit their mum.

So, we could continue the unhelpful dog lover/ dog hater narrative or just ... maybe not. I'm a reasonable person and not totally obsessed with dogs. I just happen to have a different view to you, which is alright I think. Different strokes and all that...

The smoking analogy is not that useful, because people can smoke outside whereas most domesticated dogs would not be that thrilled to be left outside and might make a load of noise. Also, smoking is objectively bad for others' health, so bit of a false equivalence.

That said.... I'd happily have a smoker to stay for a few days, as long as they smoked outside or possibly in a contained room depending on how much I loved 'em/ wanted to see them. Same as I'd happily allow a meat-eater to stay and even cook meat in my kitchen because I'd be willing to do a bit of extra washing of pots if it meant I could see my nearest and dearest.

Two family members are very allergic to dog dander. It isn't anti dog to want to avoid a trip to hospital. It's pro human.

That's why dogs are banned in our home.

If the dog is crated / stays in the garden or utility / isn't allowed upstairs or on furniture what's the problem?
I understand there have to be ground rules but surely you value your relationship with your step daughter more than a rule of no dogs? It's like you're asking your partner to choose between having her daughter visit or not and if anyone give me that ultimatum.....I know who would win.

I have a dog and I never expect him to be welcome when I visit friends/ away He goes to stay with my dog Walker
Are you sure your partner agreed to this condition? Did she assume her DD dog would be left behind?
I just wondered if the reality has come as a shock?
YANBU, but I don't see a way to compromise other than DP visits alone

You don't want dogs in the house, your partner knew and agreed to having no dogs in the house before you bought it together so she is being unreasonable to now expect her daughter to be allowed to bring a dog.

Your OP says the daughter has a partner. Can't they just look after the dog while the daughter visits her Mum?

I am a dog owner and I would NOT expect to automatically bring a dog to someone else's house (family or not). I would respect their wishes not to have a dog in the house.

However, bearing in mind the cost of dog care and the logistics of it, it would realistically mean I wouldnt stay with that family member as much. Thats not playing games, or trying to punish them, its just the reality of the situation as it would cause me hassle and worry and cost (Ive had very poor experiences of dog care in the past). Therefore, not visiting as much would just be a natural consequence of that circumstance and I would expect them to respect my choice in the same vein.

Respect goes both ways in this scenario. You dont want a dog in the house- thats fine. They cant visit as much- also fine.

I've had dogs most of my adult life. When visiting siblings, I didn't take the dogs, I assume they weren't welcome. Now the siblings have dogs themselves, they expect it's all dogs welcome. Not only that, one sibling wasn't happy when I said dogs weren't allowed on the furniture! I'm standing firm on the furniture side, I fail to see why their dogs should cross boundaries set in place for my dogs. No it's not acceptable to force a pet on someone. I would suggest in your circumstances that you visit the family, rather than them visit you. They should then make some allowances for people who are not fond of dogs. As I did

Imagine valuing a pristine home over spending time with your family. I can’t imagine OPs partner will be OK with this rule for much longer. I know I wouldn’t put a man’s obsession with a clean home over spending time with my family. This dog is the daughters family member. What if she one day has a child who is destructive and wee’s on the floor. Guess they have to ban them from their new built home too.

I have a dog, and my dad lived over 4 hours away. He didn't want our dog to stay in his house. There was never any upset or drama, it's his house. We didn't go as often but we went for longer. So instead of several overnight stays each year we would do a couple of trips where we rented a holiday cottage for a week and went on day trips together, had lunches and dinners together. Sometimes we did go just for the night and then the dog stayed at home with our dog sitter. We would also meet half way for lunch. And Dad and his partner visited us at our house.

There are so many ways around this. I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. They discussed this before buying the house. It's not like the moved and then had the conversation. Time to look at other ways to get together as a family.

At Christmas my Dad would often rent a large house for us all to come to with our dogs and children. It was a way for us all to be together without worrying about the dogs in his house.

OP hasn't said they don't want the dogs because of having a pristine home. There are plenty of reasons why someone would not want dogs in their house.

So lķong as the dog is clean what's the problem? Are you allergic? I'm sorry but you sound very rigid and unbending. Im A cat person really but all are welcome in my home. My cousin visits every year with her enormous dog. My cats stay upstairs. I'm surprised your husband puts up with this.

You sound very uncompromising.
It is however your partners fault . She should have left you as would I .

The OP said they were uncomfortable around dogs (when previously staying in partner’s house) not that they had an allergy.

I’m sticking to my guns and saying that the OP said “no dogs” and their partner went “Oh yes, fine, yes, I agree, yes, no, smelly dogs yada yada” whilst secretly thinking OP would back down for her dd’s dog.

i’m not super-keen on other people’s dogs in my house (because my own is so pawfect ) but if one of my dcs wanted in the future to bring their dog it would be hell yeah! If some partner of mine (even the love of my life) instituted a ban it would be curtains for us as no way do partners trump a relationship with dcs.

You're projecting hugely with obsession over cleaning and pristine home.

Op didn't explain her reasons anyway, but any reason is perfectly valid in her own house!

I'm sure the three of them can work out a compromise.

What compromise do you suggest? Ideally one which doesn't mean the OP has to have dogs in their home, as that wouldn't really be a compromise.

These dog haters…. Would you seriously limit the visits of your own dc in the future rather than have a dog there - even if barricaded in the utility room?

We can all blithely say what we would stand against if it is an outlaw (eg partner’s dcs) or some unimaginable point in the future (eg if you have young dcs) but when it comes to it, close family relationships have attendant irritations and compromises, whether that be a hairy dog or an annoying son-in-law.

I'm not a dog hater. I quite like dogs I just don't expect owners to expect to bring them to my house, family or not. If I'd moved away and really wanted my adult child to come to me for whatever reason I'd probably offer to pay for a kennel. But I'd probably just go to them.

*I would argue the “evidence” that the Op isn’t too keen on her partner’s children is that she’s saying her partner can never ever have them at their home, despite them loving long distance and meaning the children have to put the dog in kennels or a dog sitter at considerable expense.

Im with the others. The OP doesn’t like dogs (fair enough) AND her partners children (fair enough but completely unreasonable to try to sabotage contact)*

This is only evidence if you completely discount the fact that it's normal and valid to just really not want dogs in your house - meaning there MUST be an ulterior motive. This is not the case, even on this thread there are loads of people who are strongly against dogs in their home.

This is not evidence of them disliking the children.

Stick to your guns OP but you will have to hold just as firm with your own children and accept the consequences.
We got a dog a year ago and a family member refused to join us for Christmas on that basis. We had no idea they hated dogs that much.

Why is everyone assuming that people have a utility room and a garden? Many, many people have neither.