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Original poster

How to deal with conflict over visitor's pets?

273 replies

imb123 · 04/06/2023 11:12

My partner and I both have grown up children of our own, none together. We have just moved into a new home together a long distance from our children. My partner's daughter and her partner have a dog and they want to bring the dog when they visit. I've made it clear that I don't want dogs in my home. My partner says that in that case they won't visit (at least not often) and she is very upset about that and holds me responsible. She says that her other children won't visit if her daughter doesn't. I feel awful. She wants family get-togethers on her birthday and at Christmas and these are now at risk apparently. Before we moved here my partner allowed the dog in her home when I was living there for a short time before we bought somewhere together and I felt very stressed with the dog wandering around. I understand that people are close to their pets and regard them as part of the family, but I don’t want to share a home with one. How on earth can this be resolved?

OP posts:
gettingoldisshit · 04/06/2023 18:55

The daughter sounds like an entitled idiot! I would never presume that my dogs would be welcome in someone's house and refuse to visit if they weren't! Op's partner shouldn't have moved in with op if this was going to be a problem for her!

ZiriForEver · 04/06/2023 18:56

MCOut · 04/06/2023 18:24

@ZiriForEver When the choice is a resentful full time DP or a few days with a dog, is the latter is the better option for OP. From what OP has said, it doesn’t seem that their partner is trying to be manipulative. As sacrifices go, not seeing your children, is a much larger than dealing with a dog very occasionally.

That being said OP’s DP really should try her best to mitigate OP worries as much as possible and it should only be if the date can’t be rearranged and if there’s no other alternative.

I still don't see where is the compromise in your suggestion. It still means dogs at OP's home which is exactly against their wish.

If someone tried to impose their dogs onto my home and succeeded, it wouldn't feel like my home anymore.

Not everyone is a fan of drooling beasts and not respecting that is just vile.

CwmYoy · 04/06/2023 18:59

Nw22 · 04/06/2023 18:27

@CwmYoy 😂 children are not important to me. Dogs are. I’d happily say no children in my house.

I feel very sorry for you. Normal people don't think dogs matter that much - because they don't.

It's ok to like your pet but don't pretend it's as important as a person. It's just a dog.

I think it's so sad that you haven't had meaningful relationships with humans adult and child. I'm so sorry.

Nw22 · 04/06/2023 19:02

@CwmYoy I have plenty of meaningful relationships with adults. There are no children in my wider family.
you might be one of the rudest people I have come across

LadyMuckingabout · 04/06/2023 19:05

QED why I avoid anti-dog people. As demonstrated by @CwmYoy , they really aren’t very nice people.

Lots of people joke about loving their dog more than their dh or dcs. It’s just what you do.

In the case of the OP, I just suspect it’s a bit of wider control: moving away from dcs, not allowing (a previously allowed) dog to stay. It all sounds a bit “your dcs are grown up and it’s just us two now” which frankly it does not appear the dp is quite onboard with.

Bananananananananana · 04/06/2023 19:28

It costs £100 for two dogs for the weekend.

Meanwhile nursery for 8am - 6pm is £100 per day for just one child @justgettingthroughtheday

If you want a dog, it's your responsibility to sort and unfortunately there will be places dogs can't go, same as children.

justgettingthroughtheday · 04/06/2023 19:31

gettingoldisshit · 04/06/2023 18:55

The daughter sounds like an entitled idiot! I would never presume that my dogs would be welcome in someone's house and refuse to visit if they weren't! Op's partner shouldn't have moved in with op if this was going to be a problem for her!

How is she being entitled??? She's not demanding to bring the dog! She's just unable to visit if she can't!
It's the OP who is being funny about it!

It's a bit like not inviting kids to weddings. It's perfectly fine to not want them but you have to accept that by not doing so guests who have kids/ dogs may not be able to attend!

justgettingthroughtheday · 04/06/2023 19:36

Bananananananananana · 04/06/2023 19:28

It costs £100 for two dogs for the weekend.

Meanwhile nursery for 8am - 6pm is £100 per day for just one child @justgettingthroughtheday

If you want a dog, it's your responsibility to sort and unfortunately there will be places dogs can't go, same as children.

Have you actually bothered to read anything I have written?!!!

It is the OP who is being shitty about the daughter not visiting not the daughter!

Radiodread · 04/06/2023 19:52

aSofaNearYou · 04/06/2023 14:58

And you were the one who chose to get a dog, thereby putting everyone you know in the position where they need to be happy to have them in their house to prove how much they care about you. It's emotional manipulation, and it never happens with cat owners! They could as easily said that if you take it as a statement on how much they care about you, you're putting dog ownership above family.

There's nothing wrong with being "house proud" to the point where you don't want dog hair and potential damage in your house.

Show quote history

it's not "everyone I know". I don't ask anyone other than my parents to accommodate my dog, or even ask them to meet up at places because I can take my dog there. I frequently pony up for a sitter at £50 per 24 hours.

Being houseproud is ok, but some people value stuff, possessions, appearances too highly IMO. Is this really a hill to die on, is what I'm wondering? Obviously if OP is highly allergic to dander or was attacked by a dog and has a phobia that is different. If it's just "I don't like dogs" then.... Meh.

What did the point about cats mean? I'm a bit lost.

ZiriForEver · 04/06/2023 20:06

Radiodread · 04/06/2023 19:52

it's not "everyone I know". I don't ask anyone other than my parents to accommodate my dog, or even ask them to meet up at places because I can take my dog there. I frequently pony up for a sitter at £50 per 24 hours.

Being houseproud is ok, but some people value stuff, possessions, appearances too highly IMO. Is this really a hill to die on, is what I'm wondering? Obviously if OP is highly allergic to dander or was attacked by a dog and has a phobia that is different. If it's just "I don't like dogs" then.... Meh.

What did the point about cats mean? I'm a bit lost.

Show quote history

Why "just not liking dogs" is not enough? Home is a place where we should feel well. Dogs are everywhere now, and people who don't like them have to survive with them in public space. Asking them to have beast at home as well is a really big deal. It is like removing the last safe place, it is encroachment of the dog world on their home as well.

It is similar to smoker wanting to have a smoke at your home "just for once", "just because it rains outside today". Once is too many, it breaks boundaries, it marks the home as dog/smoke place.

Bluetrews25 · 04/06/2023 20:26

Choices:
1 No visiting
2 OP/DP go to visit them (and stay in Premier Inn if they cannot stand being in any house containing a dog)
3 Family visit OP/DP and doggos stay in a shed/with dogsitter/come in the house

Is it that you don't want a dog in your house or that you don't want to be anywhere near a dog, OP? Or both?
Is preserving family harmony worth some compromise? (Go visit but don't stay in their house)

Radiodread · 04/06/2023 20:28

Home is also where you meet your family and spend time with them so something's got to give, surely? Everyone's wants can't be met in this situation so something has to flex a bit.

Honestly, if you see home is your last safe refuge in a world given over to dogs, I really think you should try to sort your dog-related anxiety.not for th dog owners' benefit, but for your own. As for any other phobia that limits and what you can do or places you can go.

People have always had to share public space with beings and people they aren't keen on. That's life. You just have to get on with it, really.
Normally I would agree about home being a safe space but this particular issue is likely to mean a parent and child (albeit adult child) can't see each other às frequently as they otherwise might. A bit of give and take is needed unless allergies ar at issue. The OP could just make themselves scarce.

Radiodread · 04/06/2023 20:29

Sorry for the spelling errors - clunky phone, you get the gist.

Lacoeur · 04/06/2023 20:29

Op stick to your guns- if you don’t want dogs in your house then they will have to accept that. If they want to be petty and not visit then that’s on them.

rwalker · 04/06/2023 20:51

justgettingthroughtheday · 04/06/2023 18:01

@ZiriForEver if the OP refuses to compromise then they need to accept that the consequence of that is that the daughter doesn't visit and the wife is unhappy.
He can't have it both ways. He is the one refusing to compromise. He can stop moaning about it

Perhaps if entitled dog owners respected people’s choices not to have dogs in the house it wouldn’t be a problem

I don’t get why precious dog owners can’t understand that not everyone want smelly hairy dogs with there bare arse in there house

yes there hairy yes they smell but dog owners don’t notice that there used to it

you chose to have a dog good on you but for the love of god realise not everyone likes them wants them near them or in there home

enjoy your dog just don’t inflict it on everyone else

Nothingisblackandwhite · 04/06/2023 21:07

I think you are creating an issue that doesn’t need to be . It’s only for a few days and you risk your relationship or worse your partner relationship with his children for this ? Are you sure you are ready for a relationship?

justgettingthroughtheday · 04/06/2023 21:10

@rwalker how about stop being so bloody rude and actually read and comprehend what I have repeatedly said!
I DONT EXPECT ANYONE TO HAVE MY DOGS IN THEIR HOUSE!!!!
but when I can't take them with me yes it limits my availability to visit people! WHICH IS FINE WITH ME!!!!
What is not ok is when they (like the OP) then get cross or upset because I can't visit!

Do you understand now???

Nothingisblackandwhite · 04/06/2023 21:12

gettingoldisshit · 04/06/2023 18:55

The daughter sounds like an entitled idiot! I would never presume that my dogs would be welcome in someone's house and refuse to visit if they weren't! Op's partner shouldn't have moved in with op if this was going to be a problem for her!

Why ? She previously had the dog when visiting dad so the entitled here is the op

rwalker · 04/06/2023 21:28

justgettingthroughtheday · 04/06/2023 21:10

@rwalker how about stop being so bloody rude and actually read and comprehend what I have repeatedly said!
I DONT EXPECT ANYONE TO HAVE MY DOGS IN THEIR HOUSE!!!!
but when I can't take them with me yes it limits my availability to visit people! WHICH IS FINE WITH ME!!!!
What is not ok is when they (like the OP) then get cross or upset because I can't visit!

Do you understand now???

The point is the day is all I listed and saying have my dog in your house or I won’t come

its upto the daughter to compromise about bringing the dog

HamBone · 04/06/2023 21:41

We have a dog and never assume that we can bring him to anyone’s house, family included.

As your DP previously agreed that you wouldn’t have dogs in your house, she needs to sort this out with her DD and be honest that you both agreed to a no dogs policy so you’re sticking with it.

We’ve found lovely dog sitters who enjoy having our dog stay as he gets on really well with their dog. Much cheaper than kennels and our dog views it as a holiday, he’s usually abit grumpy when we pick him up. 🤣

CurlewKate · 04/06/2023 21:44

It can easily be resolved. You get over yourself and compromise.

literalviolence · 04/06/2023 22:06

justgettingthroughtheday · 04/06/2023 18:48

@ZiriForEver if the op wasn't willing to compromise on having dogs in the house then why move in with his partner knowing that her daughter routinely brought the dog? It is entirely predictable that the daughter would want to bring the dog to the new house and that this conflict would occur.

Because OP discussed with her DP first and DO said this was OK. It's on the lartnsr to be an adult and not agree to things which they don't actually agree to. This is not on the OP.

Buildingthefuture · 04/06/2023 22:10

I genuinely like dogs more than i like most people. I have a lot of dogs and they are fabulous. To ME. I wouldn’t dream of taking any of them to someone’s house who didn’t have a dog/didn’t like dogs (even though they are very well behaved and would do nothing wrong) That’s what dog sitters are for and I wouldn’t want to force my choices on other people. Stick to your guns op…your house, your rules.

aSofaNearYou · 04/06/2023 22:15

CurlewKate · 04/06/2023 21:44

It can easily be resolved. You get over yourself and compromise.

Or they do

Codlingmoths · 04/06/2023 22:40

You are obviously not willing to change. So you will have an unhappy partner being estranged from her daughter, or she will leave you as she realises she didn’t allow for how miserable she would be with you while estranged from her daughter. 2 poor options, but that’s what you have. Would a dog in your house for a couple of days every 6 months be worse than those options? You could set a limit on dog days.