How to deal with conflict over visitor's pets?

[imb123]

My partner and I both have grown up children of our own, none together. We have just moved into a new home together a long distance from our children. My partner's daughter and her partner have a dog and they want to bring the dog when they visit. I've made it clear that I don't want dogs in my home. My partner says that in that case they won't visit (at least not often) and she is very upset about that and holds me responsible. She says that her other children won't visit if her daughter doesn't. I feel awful. She wants family get-togethers on her birthday and at Christmas and these are now at risk apparently. Before we moved here my partner allowed the dog in her home when I was living there for a short time before we bought somewhere together and I felt very stressed with the dog wandering around. I understand that people are close to their pets and regard them as part of the family, but I don’t want to share a home with one. How on earth can this be resolved?

Stand your ground OP. I'm a no dogs house as well (except for my friends assistance dog which I reluctantly have to allow in).
You discussed it, had an agreement, the child is being childish here, they will need to find local kennels or a dog-sitter near you, then they can bring the dog and see it but it isn't in your house. That's perfectly ok.
I don't understand the current obsession with dogs and wanting them to be allowed everywhere. They are animals, they smell, and they can be aggressive. If you want one then fine, but don't demand everyone else accommodates them. It's ridiculously entitled.

This is not a you problem, this is a daughter problem. To say she won't visit because she can't bring her dog? Ridiculous. Does she bring her dog to work, out to a restaurant, to the theatre? And the other siblings won't come either? This sounds so unreal I can only imagine there's more to it.
Stick to your guns. I have two dogs and two cats and I don't bring them with me, even if visiting relatives with dogs. If overnight i arrange someone to look after them.

The only reasons I would not have a family members dog in my home would be if they were either not 100% reliably house trained and behaved (off furniture), or if they were a larger/powerful or bull breed.

I don't mind medium sized dogs, hate little yappy dogs, but would put up with them temporarily to see my dc. If I had young children I wouldn't have any strange dogs loose in my home as it is a safety risk.

It is your choice to define your boundaries knowing the consequences. Everyone needs to compromise sometimes.

How is the daughter at fault here??? Ffs it's the OP and his wife who have moved and banished the dog. The daughter had no say in it.
All that has been said is she won't be able to visit as often because a) they have moved and b) she can't bring the dog.

It's the OP who is offended by this. But he is the one who has chosen to make it harder for the the daughter to visit.

Wow you talk about your relationship as though it's a business arrangement

How is the daughter at fault here???

Its her dog!

You will have to compromise a bit, if you want a resolution. OP I think you should give your DP the benefit of the doubt and assume that when the topic was initially discussed, there was a miscommunication. She might not have realised that the boundary you were sitting, was so fixed.

There is nothing wrong with you expressing a strong preference for a dog not to be in your home. Your DP and her daughter should make every effort to put pet sitting in place to accommodate this, but if for whatever reason this genuinely isn’t possible, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your partner to expect some flexibility from you. Assuming that reasonable exemptions will result in your home being overrun by dogs is dramatic.

For example, if a pet sitter had to cancel last minute, it wouldn’t be unreasonable for her to expect you’d prioritise her daughter visiting.

If they are truly blanket refusing to visit their mother over this rule, then they are being a ridiculous. However, there’s nothing wrong with her daughter saying that it will mean she has to visit less. It’s okay that your DP is disappointed by this and it’s natural for it to cause resentment. If you’re unwilling to compromise, then that’s just something you’re gonna have to deal with.

There is no compromise here. Either the dogs are coming to the house or not. There is nothing like just half of a dog coming.

Some people enthusiastically consent to having dogs at their home and some don't. Easy as that.

I think you missed the bit where the OP points out that there'd been a discussion of a no dogs rule before they moved into the new house.

If course it would be unreasonable to expect that someone who doesn't want dogs in their home will put up with one.

There is no compromise in this topic. Dogs are so big imposition that free and enthusiastic consent or nothing.

And???

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a dog!!!

She's not demanding to bring the dog!! Just simply stating a fact that if she can't bring the dog she won't be able to visit as often!!!!

What's wrong with that? She is staring a simple obvious fact!

@ZiriForEver if the OP refuses to compromise then they need to accept that the consequence of that is that the daughter doesn't visit and the wife is unhappy.
He can't have it both ways. He is the one refusing to compromise. He can stop moaning about it

You are suggesting that some compromise around the dog exists. Having a dog at my home against my wishes isn't a compromise, it is a violation.

Compromise would be meeting outside, meeting half way, things like that.

It would be very very hard to keep the boundaries if they allow the dogs in "once".

It feels a bit unrealistic moving far away and planning to host regular all family gatherings anyway.

@ZiriForEver When the choice is a resentful full time DP or a few days with a dog, is the latter is the better option for OP. From what OP has said, it doesn’t seem that their partner is trying to be manipulative. As sacrifices go, not seeing your children, is a much larger than dealing with a dog very occasionally.

That being said OP’s DP really should try her best to mitigate OP worries as much as possible and it should only be if the date can’t be rearranged and if there’s no other alternative.

You might not be enthusiastic about having a dog in your home, but if it is the difference between seeing your dc more often then you make a decision about what is more important to you and compromise with some ground rules - dogs stay off furniture, they stay in kitchen/family room but not in lounge with cream carpet, are walked regularly so they don't toilet in the garden etc.

Life is only black and white without possibilities for compromise for the serious stuff in life, not things like this unless you choose to be rigid and accept the consequences of that.

@CwmYoy 😂 children are not important to me. Dogs are. I’d happily say no children in my house.

I find it fascinating that people are incapable of making provisions for their dog, an animal, for just one day.

As someone mentioned, what do you do when you need to work? Go on holiday? See a friend who doesn't like dogs? Or do almost anything?

My children can be left alone with other people yet dogs are too precious to just be organised for a day.

Easily solved; visitors can put their dog into kennels.

What's far more surprising is that you moved in with a partner before this issue ever arose or was discussed and now she's using it as an emotional weapon.

How many other direct conflicts will come out of the woodwork :-(

Not all dogs would cope in kennels. Mine wouldn't! It would be too traumatic for her because of her history.
Hell would freeze over before I let her go into kennels.

Yes I plan my life around her needs. She stays at home ok with my other dog ok for a few hours but not long enough to visit family 300miles away. If she couldn't come with me I wouldn't go. It is that simple.

I don't get holidays I cannot afford a holiday!

It's not just a day though it would be several days!
Have you any idea how t it is to find good pet sitters? Mine is booked up until the end of January now. It costs £100 for two dogs for the weekend. No way could I afford that ontop of fuel every time I wanted to visit family

@ZiriForEver if the op wasn't willing to compromise on having dogs in the house then why move in with his partner knowing that her daughter routinely brought the dog? It is entirely predictable that the daughter would want to bring the dog to the new house and that this conflict would occur.

Offer to pay for kennels or dog sitter? Rent an accommodation for all
the family for Christmas and birthday? Or a couple of smaller lets if you don’t want to be with the dog at all. Surely there’s some way around it, will the daughter not leave the dog at all?

Look, I get some people dislike dogs intently - that is their right and their home is their castle, their house, their rules etc.

But this is the partner’s daughter we are talking about. This ban is not going to go well. And moving far away? Was that a truly joint decision?

Maybe I’m wrong, but the dp may be the type to go along with things for a quiet life, thinking they can kick back a little later on. So in the case of the no dogs rule they hoped that the OP would not be so vehement about it.

Also, how do you not know that someone you are sharing a life with hates dogs? I would bin anyone who detested dogs per se, as they would have the right to run a mile from (covered in dog hair) me.

What stresses you?

Not sure what difference it makes regarding if op is male or female. 😵‍💫

Wondering why the other half agreed to the no dog rule too. Pressurised?